Three Little Words

I feel so overwhelmed with thoughts these days that I am having trouble deciding what to talk about at any given moment. Most days I sit around at home, read my book, flip through magazines and talk to my mom about every difficult thought I'm having, or have had. She listens to me with such an open heart, I feel like she's lifting weights off my shoulders for me.

She gave me a book I had seen once or twice and disregarded. It's called 'Eat Pray Love'. This book is my obsessive, neurotic brain pattern on paper, but the nice thing is that this woman is trying to find God. Or at least trying to figure out what this means to her. I think in many ways, the mantra i used two years ago and the 'letting go' of today are my small steps in this direction. One of the many things I've taken from this book is that finding inner peace is a constant struggle -- it's like exercising. Exercising is difficult when you start, but gradually you feel good and it gets easier. I think this is a worthy endeavor. I know I need inner peace.

I know my greatest challenges are guilt and worry. These two things cause me so much unnecessary stress I feel like i've wasted months of my life because of them. I need to restructure my thoughts, weed out the bad, but not be so hard on myself for thinking them.

This book has put words to so many of my thoughts, it's really quite reassuring. For example, why are there some people who are genuinely happy, uncomplicated, and never question their worth in this world? Why is P the way he is -- so confident and ambitious and by result, talented and motivated -- and i'm the way i am -- paralysed by guilt, constantly worrying, and questioning myself at every turn? I'm not only relaying this to me and P -- the more people I meet, the more of the confident go-getters I see.

I know everyone has their own struggle, but why is it that it seems to me these confident go-getters are often doing brilliant things, or getting brilliant opportunities? Or even, how did they overcome their struggle to go on to make wonderful things?

I think the root of it is love. I think they do their great things out of love. P can stay up for hours, prepare for days, and be the awesomest person to work with because he loves doing these things. He does them with love. But I think this is also related to how the experienced love throughout their lives too -- i think upbringing has something to do with it. Or maybe that's just me making excuses. In any case, I've decided that I will only do things I want to do out of love this year -- whether it's love for myself or love for the project.

First, and most importantly, I need to put myself first again. Swimming and cooking are too things I do out of love for myself. I need to cover those bases and thanks to the two Julia Child books I got, I think this will be possible. Then I need to refocus my energies at school: concentrate and be present. It's my last class in film studies, possibly ever. That's kind of sad, but I should make something good out of it.

I need to start being myself, going with my gut, and quit trying to fit into this stupid intellectual box I've regarded so highly for such a long time.

This year, my main ambition is to decrease my stress and with it, my worrying. Zen, here I come!

--

In other news, i find it really interesting to be having this revelation at this particular moment in my life. My grandmother is dying, I'm seeing my parents get older, I'm seeing older people unable to accept they're getting older, and I'm seeing my mom accept it all with grace which is utterly inspiring. If I make my mom and Julia Child my mentors, I think i'll be alright.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I'm trying hard not to care about grades right now. I've gotten back 2 out of 4 and I feel a little disappointed. I got a B- and all I can see if my future going down the toilet. I'm trying to convince myself it's not going to be like that, but the drama bone in me is going strong.

Friday morning before taking the bus P went to an FX studio to drop off his cv for a junior compositor job. He got the job in under 15 minutes. I'm so happy for him, and a little bit jealous at the same time. I'm not jealous he got the job, I'm jealous that he's so skilled and driven and motivated and that he got an awesome job one week after graduating. He'll be working nights, from 6-midnight, which should be interesting for our relationship. Right now I don't feel like it's a big deal, but I wonder how i'll feel in a few months. Especially since I'll more free time in the new year, I think.

I went to P's parents' house this weekend. It was simply lovely. I didn't feel phony or anything, but perhaps that due to the fact that halfway through I started getting sick and I slept for most of the other half.

I've been realizing lately that I'm not totally putting myself first these days - in the sense of eating and exercising. I haven't cooked myself good meals in several weeks, and I bike less because of the snow so I don't feel good when I get tired from walking up the stairs in the metro. I'm convinced the metro makes people less healthy. There's something about it that I just don't like -- the air, the heat, the noises -- it's all too thick or something. Not that inhaling gas exhaust from cars is any better, but somehow it doesn't feel so bad.

I've got some laundry and packing to do, heading home tonight! Youpi!

Tinsel Town

I've been totally indulging in the xmas spirit this year, listening to the Nutcracker like crazy and also funny 80s xmas music I associate with my most vivid memories of xmas.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to P's family's place for the weekend. The week has built it up as a kind of stressful experience, but I should just remember to be in the moment, be with P, and have fun.

Easier said than done? We'll see...

The most exciting thing about this time of year: buying a new agenda for next 2010. I settled on a moleskine monthly. I've never really used moleskines consistently, we'll see how this goes.

"I Like Your Shirt"

I also like going to dinner with P to celebrate the end of school, to celebrate snow, to celebrate our one year anniversary, and to celebrate love. We went to a party at Phl's afterwards. It was really nice, we talked and laughed and giggled and snuggled each other. We were there 'as a couple' and we didn't really socialize with strangers, but we talked a little bit about that. About how it's awkward for Patrick to strick up a conversation with Joe Stranger when he's Phl's friend's boyfriend. I feel the same way when I hang around in his circles. I figure people have to make more direct links with the main person in question; they have to bond on something.

I'm really glad I got the reality check I did many weeks ago. The reality check to chill out, put myself first, and realize how wonderful it is to accept and love people for who they are. These things seem really obvious, but when you think about it, they're not so.

P gently opens up to me about lots of things and I don't push him anymore. I've realized that some times it's me who is actually a bit closed. More than I would like to admit. He was talking to me about his family's christmas traditions, and he asked me what I was looking forward to the most. I told him I wasn't big on christmas, when what I meant was 'I have too many memories of drunk, fighting christmases, where I just wanted to unwrap gifts and get as far away from everyone as possible.' I feel a little bit like I'm omitting something important, but I also don't want to over-emphasize something (which still hurts me) but I don't identify with.. I don't feel a huge amount of pressure about this, but I did feel a tinge of something when I didn't bring it up.

Things are great.

Fireworks!

This Friday, P and I will have been together for one year, 365 days, lots of laughs, many films, a few disagreements, tears for better or worse, and a big dose of growing up. I feel really proud and happy with this year. I feel like I've matured and gained a better understanding of myself. One that I don't think I could have necessarily gained on my own. I had about 6 years of life 'theory' before I met P and being with him put everything into practice. It's really about trial and error, but most importantly it's about patience and understanding.

I feel like I want to give props to all the people who went through this with me in some shape or form. I don't know that I could have done it without you.

This is your one-year too!

Here's where we'll meet to celebrate:



(in our minds and hearts). xox

John Cassavetes

Life is fucking fascinating. Watch a Cassavetes film and you'll feel it.

Where Do You Go to My Lovely?

Rude Awakening

I've been crossing paths with some serious feminist issues these last weeks. First it was the porn film, now it's kitchen design!

I'm doing a project for my documentary class on cooking shows and their faux-realism. I'm trying to present an evolution in cooking shows concurrent with the evolution of feminist theory. Julia Child = good, Martha Rosler's Semiotics of the Kitchen = angry, Martha Stewart = bad. The point is, I'm reading an article in a book about 'The Making of a Modern Kitchen'. Sexism goes so far back and is rooted so deeply that we can point to it in the design of kitchens in the 1920-30s. This is fascinating. The idea of the 'fitted kitchen' to make everything easier, to make a woman better at staying IN the home.This is very disheartening, but it makes perfect sense.

Who have (for the most part until recently) been designers? Men. What did the men of the period want? Women to be in the home, taking care of kids, and making meals. The kitchen was reconceived in the periods when men wanted women back into the home, but this new innovation was presented under the premise of 'bettering the function of the kitchen'. I'm surprised I had never entered kitchen design into the equation of sexism and oppression until now.

I feel slightly weighed down by all this feminist awareness.. and admittedly, a bit annoyed/frustrated/disappointed in people's reactions this reality. I guess I can't expect every man around me to be passionate about the cause of women... but some kind of sign of wanting to understand, or acknowledging their lack of understand would be nice.

Why do I want that? Why does it matter to me what other people feel about feminism, especially when my own feelings about it are mixed?

I need to find satisfaction in introducing people to ideas, not of convincing them of anything.

Just because I was cynical at 13, doesn't mean everyone else was... :)

"This Is Not A Love Story"

Yesterday was the worse day since last year around this time. One of those days were you lose hope in the world and humanity.

We watched a documentary in my class called "Not A Love Story: A Film About Pornography" and it shook me like I've never been shaken before. It has almost nothing to do with pornography or the sex industry (I say almost because I admit, sometimes I find some sexually explicit imagery offensive). It had everything to do with feelings.

As the film started I thought, 'Oh a film on pornography - interesting', a third of the way through my thoughts changed to, 'women who are offended by porn are just insecure, and that's okay, but they should just be aware of their own insecurities and let others go about their business', but about halfway into the film, I was holding back sobs. It was hearing men talk about their feelings, hearing the ignorance of a magazine publisher, hearing Margaret Atwood's poem on women's issues (genital mutilation particularly) and realizing how women can internalize and perpetuate men's hatred towards them. I know the film is dated, I know it has its own ethical problems, I know documentary's potential to manipulate its audience, but my impression isn't about that.

It's about the fact that people's feelings and complexity are often dismissed by society (evidenced by our class discussion where most people laughed off the film's message). It's my worry that as a woman I'll always be held back, or that I'll always be trying to get ahead, it's a fear that i'll end up a single mother and that society will forget me. It's a fear of being 'irrational or too sensitive'.

I know things are different now, I know most (if not all) the men around me have been raised by strong women, but somehow I can't let go of the possibility that if we forget this past, it'll repeat itself. If people stop feeling things... then we're in trouble.

e.e. cummings

I remember that I posted a poem a long time ago, back in the days of Vncnt. It was a poem by e.e. cummings. It's a very lovely poem and I sent it to P once in an email telling him I wish I had written it for him. He responded saying that clearly I carried people in my heart wherever I go. He transcribed part of it in my birthday card this year, I didn't recognize it at first, but some tears were shed when I put two and two together.

All this to say, I wonder if love expresses itself through ourselves similarly in all relationships. I wonder how its possible that I could feel like this poem was an apt expression for what I thought I felt for Vncnt and for what I know I feel for P. I suppose a lovely poem is a lovely poem (is a lovely poem is a lovely poem), and can be applied to many situations. I suppose that's what makes this poem good... it could be about love, or about friendship too.

I wish I took more pictures.

Time Heals All

I've been doing stretches lately, because it hurts my muscles when I bike to hard in the morning because I'm always rushing to get somewhere. So now I stretch at night, soon I'll do it in the morning, when I learn to slow down. I found a video online that is a relaxation excercise. When I did the acting workshop this summer, we would always start by doing this kind of centering excercise and it really works when you want it to.

A few months ago I freaked out at the thought of only seeing P once in a week, now, I am totally calm and satisfied with the amount of time we spend together. This week, we've seen each other for a lunch break and a quick supper at school, that's it so far and I feel totally okay with it.

Only thing I'm disappointed with these days is the fact that I waited until there are two weeks of school to start doing any schoolwork... in a few days, it's gonna be meltdown time.

But in the meantime, it's fun time.

Indulging (and happy)

I should remember all the sweet things P says to me and does for me. Like when he calls and says: 'hi pretty!' and when he says: 'thanks for making my day better!'

I bought him an awesome sweater at the Salvation Army the other day. A little on the hip side, but still, made in Italy, wool, sweet 50s style, perfection. He seemed like 'uhhh' when he opened it, but he was like 'i'll wear it because you bought it for me'. Then again, I would do the same for him.

I feel happy-happy, like a little bird, tweetin' about.

This is how I feel

TIGER HUG!

I wish I was Bruce Spingsteen.

He is the coolest.

Corny Blog Alert!

Okay okay, I know it sounds corny, but I landed on Gwyneth Paltrow's blog and it's really really good.

Lately (for the last 6 months), I've been thinking a lot about relationships and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's interesting to think about how we can begin to be more generous with ourselves for others and how this can make relationships less selfish, which I think they may often be for me.

Gwyneth has two very insightful Q&As on relationships which are good food for thought and in tune with what i've been thinking these past months.

"Instead of wasting time with the ego's version of love, return to the place of love. To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego. You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self." - Deepak Chopra

I have been feeling generally more fulfilled. Things are great with P. I'm still putting myself first, going with the flow, being productive. I've got to work on the better eating and better exercising though... Maybe I'll get a metro pass and start swimming instead of biking... I feel like biking rattles me up a lot. Swimming is more calming.

I want to be zen!

!!!

My brain is exploding with stimulation!

Design and the elastic mind! I wish I would have been there! But it has changed everything!

ahhhh!!!

(procrastinating)

Hmmm...

http://www.natthefatrat.com/2009/10/in-defense-of-small-things.html

it seems this lady's on to something...

I'm My Own Distraction

It's funny how I can get so many other things done when I should be doing something else. Last week I hit (what I felt was) the halfway mark in my semester. Everything up to that point seemed like a giant pile of stuff I had to do through. Now I feel like a new thing comes on my plate every day and I can deal with it right away. This whole 'putting myself first' business has really helped with feeling productive and healthy.

I feel like I've re-programmed my habits a little bit, especially when thinking about eating out, buying unecessary food (who needs a Twix every day?), so it makes me feel more responsible about my health and my money. Being seriously broke for one month really put things into perspective. I haven't been freezing meals in advance as much anymore, but I do try to use what I have instead of buying one-off things. Although.. Coaticook Maple Sugar ice cream is to die for.

Things are great with P. We're nicely balanced these days. I'm go with the flow, but asserting myself more. Being busy with all kinds of projects I care about is also very rewarding.

I'm a little worried that too few women are putting themselves first. Not like half-first, I mean First-first! Being satisfied with what we do is so tightly linked with every other facet of life.. I'm amazed.

I really, really, really, really want to go to New York and eat it all up!

Strong Reactions: Honest or Rude?

Is it possible to have a strong reaction to something you don't care about?

P reacted with disgust and almost insult when he saw that L sent me an email an Ex-in-the-making wrote to her. Basically this guy was playing the hot and cold card with her, and she wanted some advice about how to handle it. He said something like 'ahhhrg stupid, fuc -- silence -- girls' followed by 'i love you'. I said, 'fine, I'm won't tell you about it' and he responded sharply 'I don't want to hear about it'. I shrugged it off and continued my email to her.

I know I shouldn't expect him to understand how girls think... much less about how sometimes they need support, another perspective, about how being heartbroken hurts and having someone talk about how hard it is for them to have dumped you hurts even more. But I think he should have some decency about how he reacts to it. He said 'don't do that with my emails!' I said, 'I don't!' I felt like it was personal.I felt like he was thinking something negative towards girls who need their girlfriend's advice.

I feel like I want to bring this up again... as some kind of solidarity act, but part of me is afraid to bring the topic up (fear of rocking the boat, of course)...

At the same time, I think I should just let it go. I can't blame him for not understanding.

I think it would be wise if I let this go. I have to remember that Ermerson quote...

The Future

So after a series of complications (and panics) with rides and departure times, I left friday morning to go visit the University of Toronto. I arrived about 5 minutes before my meeting, and thankfully Ll was there to drive me to the door.

I walk in, ring the bell, and a pretty older lady guides me to the assistant Dean's office. I walk in, a beautiful grey-haired, bobbed, pearl wearing lady greets me with her smile. I sit down, we talk about the school, the city, my background, we discuss funding and she encourages me to apply to the SSHRC (worth 17 500$) and then she shows me through the school. We go to the top, look at the view, she tells me 'this is where we have tea every thursday', we meet other friendly profs in the halls, everything is wonderful. The building itself is very 70s inside, but it felt like walking through some kind of prestigious building where smart, nice people study.

I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I felt it.

I spend a lovely 14 hours in the city with my Mount Allison friend Lr. Hung out with some great ex-Mount A students. The whole thing made me realize what nice people there are in the world.

I also realized how if you really want something, you can get it.

I had been researching grants and funding options since last fall, but knowing Information is considered a professional MA, it limits my eligibility for certain grants. I thought the SSHRC wouldn't work, but when the assistant Dean told me I should, I thought I would. Long-story-short: I panicked (since the deadline is friday), sent a bunch of emails to profs late last night, and hoped somehow everything would magically fall into place this morning. Of course they all want to write letters for me, I thought. The reality is not that they don't want to, it's that they don't have time. One prof told me just that. Another told me she didn't know me well enough. After the second rejection, I re-emailed the other two profs and told them to forget about it and pretend it never happened.

I feel like a fool. I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the only professors I really knew. I feel like I've tarnished the idea they had of me in their minds.

I think, 'do it once and do it right', but this panic about the future got me in a frenzie. I know it's not the end of the world, but this morning I felt like I fucked my future, hard.

Now I think, 'what the fuck?' I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway, and there are other options to consider. Now i've got to rock all my classes to get killer grades to get funding from the university.

I need to chill the fuck out. Besides, I'm not in a rush to leave this city - I just got my bed situation figured out!

In other news, things are great with P. Although, now I sort of feel like I let him down by fucking up this application thing.. Why does it matter to me if I screw up in front of him anyway?

Sheets! and Treats!

I bought sheets this week. Finally, a bed, nice sheets, things are coming together! I daydreamed about my bed today... it was really funny. (They don't look like the ones in the picture -- I wish! -- but I find this bed so pretty!)

I realized something this weekend. I went to a Cinema students party with P and Lé on friday. P slept over and earlier he had told me he had lots of work to do over the weekend. I was going to be busy myself, working the whole weekend (which I usually don't) and various schoolwork needed to be done. I had a lovely saturday working at Bummis and reserved that night to spend with Vnss. We went to a restaurant I like a lot, despite its terrible service, Les Enfants Terribles, and had dessert and a cocktail. It was really fucking fantastic. I had forgotten what it was to spend time with my girlfriend under non-distress circumstances. We hadn't done anything like this in a while, given that we were both broke, and it was really refreshing. I spent the next sunday at home mostly, doing schoolwork, preparing for a presentation, not really thinking of P.

The times I spoke to him on Sunday and Monday were a little bit rushed -- me being the first to say 'okay well...' (like the wrap up of a phone conversation) and him going on a little more about something that happened in the day. I felt a little bit like I was playing a game, the 'I'm too busy to talk to you' game. It was like a guard or something. I didn't like that feeling. I thought, hell, if I've gotten to the point of playing games with him, that's not a good sign, and maybe it would be better to seriously consider what is really best for the both of us.

Quickly after though, I realized what I was really doing was putting myself first, focusing on my activities, doing things I like doing, doing things that make me feel productive. The whole thing made me realize what 'putting myself first' meant. I had totally forgotten. Not forgotten, I didn't understand what it meant anymore! So now I thought, well, if that's what he's doing, that's okay. And if that's what I have to do to make this relationship work, then, what's so bad about that!?

I had this whole dramatic scenario in my head that pictured 'putting myself first' as the first step towards estrangement. Like two people riding bikes on the same path but not talking to each other. But it doesn't have to be like that.

Besides, I really need to step up my game in this last semester... I haven't been giving it my 100% and I don't feel good about that.

I'm going to Toronto tomorrow to visit the University of Toronto's Faculty of Information science. I'm pretty nervous, but also very excited. On my own in the big city for a day... I'll have to try and picture myself there. I hope it's a good picture.

What else? I feel like I had so many things to say! Oh well... I'll just crawl into my soft comfy bed...

I feel a little bit like this girl.

Allan King

"Reality -- one finds that it's full of contradictions and all the values in it are human. And therefore, being human, they tend to be full of tensions between various notions of what is good and what is valuable. Life is about working out resolutions between those tensions and those conflicts so that you can live longer, hurt people less, get more pleasure and do all the things people want to do."

I know I'll be okay if this ends. I'm just not ready to give up yet. 

Expectations

'Would it be easier on you if we did break up?'

that's what I really want to ask him.

One Day at a Time

Why do I spend my time thinking about the future? Why do I sabbotage my present happiness by overthinking the possibilities of the unknown?

I had an email exchange with P's mother after last weekend's brunch. It was merely a 'have a good trip' email, but it turned into a minor discussion about the future. She reiterated how she and her husband spent 3 years apart before coming together. She said her daughter (also graduating) and I need to go off and spread our wings so that we can lead fulfilling lives.

I'm really, really scared by this reality.

I know she's right. I know I need to get out of my box -- even though it's a beautiful box, filled with wonderful people -- and go experience something else. I haven't even begun applying to graduate schools, but I'm in tears just thinking about getting accepted to the ones that are far away.

I know Toronto isn't far. I would hope that it might become a logical next step for P, but there's part of me that is saddened by the idea that for the rest of our lives our time will be spent mostly apart. In the email, his mother said 'P will be away on film shoots for many months at a time and being away from the people he loves will be a fact of life for him.' I want to be the strong girl who believes everything will fall into place, and if I can just be in the present I won't waste time thinking about 'what might happen if...'

Be here now. Be here now. I need to be here now.

Polytechnique - Denis Villeneuve

We went to see Polytechnique on saturday. Watching that was like getting the wind knocked out of me. Those are the only words I can use to express how I felt watching it. The event itself is horrifying, the fact that women still deal with some of the issues they were facing in this film is depressing. I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to leave. I'm not one to leave when there are tough issues to see or deal with, but this, this touched me deep inside, inside where my sense of security lies. I want to say 'Don't see this film,' it's too sad to see.

It was so well made, i'm at a loss for words.

P reacted similarly. He said what he took out of the film is that it's really scary to be a woman. He also said, 'What's the point of living if you're never going to stand up for something?' referring to the men who left the women helpless starring down the barrel of the guy's M16.

He hugged me and touched me and kissed me more than he usually does for the next 24 hours.

I Got It.

Finally. I get it. After weeks of thoughts, emotions, ups and downs, I finally got it.

You can't get everything you want out of the same person. Different people offer different things. That is what makes them wonderful and fascinating.

---

About a week ago, I initiated an email discussion with P. Somewhere where I could get all my thoughts and feelings off my chest, and hopefully, provide a starting point for him to share his. My first email got a response, my second was left lingering for a few days. I wasn't bothered by this because a day or so after I sent the email I had a complete turnaround. Vnss made me realize I had only been focusing on the negative, that I should remember that he could have broken up with me but he didn't, that he is attached to me for a reason I may never know, and that I should see the bright side of the situation.

Her advice stuck. Stuck like crazy glue! I felt way better all week, I felt like it was everything was good and that we would see each other whenever we had time, and that he loved me and everything was great. We spent the weekend together, my thoughts occasionally went back to my unanswered email, and then I thought, why not just tell him that I feel a bit left in the dark?

Not one minute after I sent the email my phone rings. It's P! He asks me how I am and what I'm doing, I tell him about my paper -- which I should be writing at this very moment instead of blogging -- and he says 'I got your email'. Then he says, 'You're stressin' me out baybay!' and I say 'ooh no, that's not what I meant to do... but! It's good! I'm glad you're telling me this!' We proceed to talk about how I need to have emotional discussions way more than he is willing, and that this is causing him some stress. I'm left with mixed feelings and then Sm comes into my room.

I tell him what I discussed with P. Explain how P doesn't like to trust emotions, but rather think through emotions, and Sm agrees with P's strategy. He explains that relationships need to be compartmentalized; you get different things from different relationships and although I am usually a more deeply involved friend, it's not necessarily to be such a deeply involved girlfriend.

It clicks! P is not one of my girlfriends. I don't need to share everything with him. In fact, it's probably better if things come out over time. Besides, P's not telling me I can't share things with him, he's just asking that I don't push him for his own opinions.

I called him to tell him I got it. He reacted funnily, a little stunned, but sweet. He said that even though I may feel like I don't know him right now, these things get known over time. He said there is friendship and a mutual understanding between us that separates our relationship from strictly friendship. From this I deduce that I need to have faith that I will learn more things about him over time.

He did however say I could ask him two questions about any topic that he would answer fully. I couldn't think of any on the spot... but I will definitely think about them carefully.

Overall, good conversation. My confidence needs a little boost still, but this was a good help.

H-C B

I'm not sure what to say, but I think things are sort of okay.

Patience and faith.

Be Calm and Carry On.

I need patience. I need faith. I'm in a state of needing at the moment. Needing to be reassured, needing to be needed.

P and I talked while we were at the Botanical Gardens. It was not the conversation I was hoping for. It left me unsatisfied and slightly more confused. I'm a little unnerved that I am so set on sticking this through. I feel like i'm entering unhealthy relationship territory. I feel like i'm swimming so hard, just to keep my head afloat.

I sent him an email; an initiation to discussion. Though he doesn't acknowledge it, P is a toug nut to crack. He's got his emotions in check at all times. This is very frustrating for me. Even more frustrating is the feelings I have to carry around vis-a-vis this situation. I'm spending too much time thinking about it, it's absorbing me, like my thoughts were absorbed by Vncnt last year. Very unhealthy. I guess the difference is, I'm really, truly in love with P, so it hurts much more.

I want him to open the door. Or at least, I want him to want to open the door.

They say 'men never change', i'm very discouraged by this statement.

Other than that, I'm too busy with school and work. I don't know how much longer this can go on.

Better.

We talked a few times from the moment he requested a break to the time we planned to 'discuss things'. I always felt a bit awkward and skeptical, but I quickly realized there was nothing to be alarmed of. 

I was unusually calm during those days of waiting. It helped that I was kept busy. When he came to my house on Thursday so that we could talk, he came up the stairs slowly and his behind the corner. A box popped out and it had a red ribbon on it. I said 'Is that box floating by itself?' and I heard him giggle behind the wall. I said, 'Am I supposed to go get it?', he shakes the box to lure me and I bit. As I walk down the three steps, he comes out from behind the corner and hugs me. One of those I-missed-you hugs. I hug him back. 

We ate, talked about our day and lounged around. We didn't get around to talking about 'things' because there was a part of me that wanted to forget it ever happened, and a part that couldn't bear the thought of bringing it up and prompting our demise. 

I know this is a step in the wrong direction, the direction of non-communication, something we've been struggling with... but I'm just so happy he has reconnected with me for the time being. 

Lifted.

Yesterday was a 24 hour panic attack. I've yet to divulge the details, because I simply can't think about them again. Basically, P and I are on a break, suggested by him, and we're meeting on thursday to discuss things.

Yes, I slept in the shirt I wore the last time I saw him. No, I haven't showered since the last time we showered together. I'm grabbing on to the last things I can right now, not knowing what the future holds.

I couldn't find an image that adequately portrayed how I feel, or the feelings that have been captured in photos I have of you, but you can do your best to imagine it.

I feel so lifted by you all. I feel so special to have you all in my life. I literally feel lifted a few centimeters from the ground knowing you are a part of my life.

Best. Friends. Ever.

Sick to My Stomach

I can't talk about it yet.

Flying Solo

Lately I've been feeling strange, as if I'm alone, working on P and I's relationship. I know he's going through a really tough time lately: his film wasn't picked up by a festival, he's graduating, he didn't get the job he was counting on for post-graduation because he's 6 credits shy of having a degree, and I think he's generally unsatisfied by not working on his own projects. He's probably terrified about the future, as I would be. From this comes his tendency to shut me out a little bit when it relates to his feelings.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and talking about 'relationships'. One of my favorite blogs has been posting about 'the secrets of successful relationships'. I read them all and find what may apply to me. Many of them say talking things out, no matter how difficult the topic, is a crucial part of being happy. I'm struggling with this like I've never struggled with anything else.

I have all these thoughts like 'Why do I feel like I'm the only one working at this?', 'I feel undesired', 'I feel guilty for wanting to talk about some things', 'I feel worried bringing these things up will prompt him to end the relationship'. Most, if not all these thoughts are totally irrational, I know, but I can't help feeling them.

I feel like I need to be really reassured. I need him to reassure me that he's there. I want him to be connected to me, even though he told me he feels disconnected from everything.

This feels dramatic. I don't like it.

Makin' Faces

I had a strange realization this evening while walking back from the store with Sm. He was talking as he usually does, and suddenly I had to say: 'You just don't stop talking, do you?' Not in a mean way, I was just stating the fact of the situation. I think I've felt like P hasn't been listening to me lately. Like most of what we talk about revolves around his work and events. We're not sharing ideas. I have a strange feeling that the two people I see and talk to the most (P and Sm) are having conversations with themselves with me as a spectator. It's a bizarre feeling.

For some reason this thought makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I'm also uncomfortable in this mental state I've been inhabiting for the last few weeks. It's either a state of calm and zen, or a frustration with the world so intense I've reverted back into my head. These two states are worlds apart, which would seem to make my identifying it easy, but I'm totally confused.

This confusion, compounded by the transition into school-life, the instability of class schedules makes me slightly depressed. I think I've got to cut some dead weight (difficult classes) and try to find somewhere comfortable to be. It's my last year, I don't want to overbuden myself with classes and projects. I want this one to go smoothly.



P, me and our sweet rides.

Emerson

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day; Wisdom is when you let something go everyday"

New motto.

Sometimes Bikes Hurt

I crashed into someone today. Or he crashed into me. We crashed into each other in front of Mcgill's Roddick gates. I was coming from campus, maybe a little faster than I should have been going and when I went to turn on Sherbrooke, there was a guy with his friend riding in my direction. I tried to stop as much as possible but the momentum sent me flying chest forward while my legs got tangled in my falling bike. The bikes broke my fall but I feel a bump on my knee and a bruise on my arm. Thankfully, I was able to ride away rather quickly, whereas the guy was left with a bent front wheel. He was nice and apologising profusely, while I was focused on getting up.

Angry. Sad. Guilty.

Those are the things I feel about this situation. Angry - so angry - at the situation because it was avoidable, at the guy because it was stupid of him to ride against traffic (even though we all do it one time or another), at myself for not slowing down when I was coming out of the gates.

I feel sad because situations like these scare me. They make me afraid of cycling. They make me afraid that at any moment a car door will swing open and I will slam into it just before being thrown in front of a car. I rode off from the scene, but I was shaking in the knees a little bit. I felt them weakened. I wear a helmet, but realistically, it will do little to save me from serious injury, if it happened. I know I have to slow down, I'm scared by how fast I go and how careless I can be. I don't know where this drive to be reckless comes from. Sometimes I wonder if i'm hoping for an accident.

I feel guilty because I left the situation so quickly. I muttered a few 'I'm sorry's while looking at the guy's wheel. I feel guilty that my first thoughts afterwards were 'yeah, it better have been your wheel and not mine'. I feel guilty I didn't offer to give my name or to take off my sunglasses and deal with the situation more thoroughly. I feel guilty that the guy knew it was his fault, and I was thinking 'yeah it was your fault'. I feel guilty because I know i'm being a hypocrite.

I don't like that this event ruined my whole day. Or rather, that I let it ruin my whole day. I should be glad it wasn't worse, and that my bike in intact.

I don't understand why I focus on the negative.

Boeuf Bourguignon, Here I Come!

So i've turned totally domestic. Julia Child is my new idol. Anyone who can master the mysteries of cooking, I am in awe of them.

In a continued effort to save money, I've become very aware of what I eat and where. I was spending too much money on restaurants and coffee shops, but now, I've reduced my daily intake of coffee and I'm trying to make more things from scratch. It turns out, some things are surprisingly easy! Like biscuits!

I had my first fully relaxing weekend of the summer. I woke up when I felt like it on saturday (9.30am -- not bad, I'm a notoriously late sleeper), hopped on to my favourite food blog and proceeded to unknowingly pick out several recipes I wanted to make in the near future. I ended up planning my whole meals for the week. I tried to think a little bit in advance to be able to use as much as I would buy in as many meals as possible and it totally worked! I went to Jean Talon Market, bought a whole bunch of fresh vegetables and spent under 20$.

I came home, made french onion soup, improvised a lasagna for the next day, and made some chocolate mousse (which was my third attempt that week! -- turns out, egg whites are crucial!).

What I've noticed coming out of this culinary adventure is a great sense of accomplishment, and a little bit of self confidence. I'm still struggling to find the right level of confidence in myself. Trying to be a little softer, take off a little pressure.. so far, the only place I've managed to get anywhere near those things is in the kitchen.

I don't usually cook for people. I'm a solo eater for the most part. The occasional time P will come over and I'll make something, but we'll usually make it together.

When i'm cooking by myself, knowing no one else will be eating the food, I feel great. I feel like I can throw anything in that tomato sauce and it will be delicious. It is also the place where i'm not afraid to fail and try again. The mousse. I looked up countless recipes, watched numerous videos, read too many how-tos, and what I ended up doing was mixing elements of all of them together and trusting my instincts. It turned out delicious. Probably one of the best desserts I've ever made.

Trusting my instincts is something I find very difficult, especially when it comes to personal matters. I tell people to trust their instincts all the time, but fail to do so myself... I'm not sure why i'm like this.. I have a hunch it's related to my childhood, but what isn't!?

Swimming is the same thing. When I was re-learning to swim last summer, Ag told me 'swim the way you are most comfortable, you'll find your groove', and I did. We went with Vncnt to the pool on Laurier for the first time this summer. After the initial shock of the cold water, we swam like fishies and had a blast. She told me I improved.

I went to see Julie and Julia today with L and her friend D, it wasn't a great cinematic work, but learning about Julia Child's story was fascinating and inspiring. We were discussing after the film and I suggested I was less sympathetic to the Julie character, whose blog was turned into a book and then a film within only a few years, because her success was relatively quick but ultimately nothing substantial, nothing that will last years and years. Whereas Julia Child's passion (and struggle to get her book published) spans years of highs and lows. Julia Child's determination was inspiring.

Totally inspiring.



Besides, she was a spy!

Here's my chocolate mousse recipe for anyone feeling like they want a little something sweet.

2 squares of baker's chocolate semi-sweet
1 teaspoon of butter
200 mL of whipping cream (about a fifth of a small carton)
3 egg whites
1 egg yoke
1 tablespoon of sugar

Melt the chocolate over a double boiler and add butter. Take off heat and gently add egg yolk. Mix together and let it cool to room temperature. In the meantime, whip your whipping cream in one bowl and whip your egg whites in another. A few seconds after your eggs whites have begun thickening, add the sugar. (Egg whites are really hard to make with a whisk, a mixer is very helpful, but if you're feeling ambitious, whisk away!) Whisk until they form peeks.

When your chocolate has gotten to room temperature, take a little bit of the whites and mix into it into the chocolate to loosen it up a little bit. Then gradually fold in the rest of the whites in small portions (about 1/3 of the quantity you have in each addition). Once the whites are incorporated, gently fold in the whipping cream. Fold until you have no more left. Then stick your finger in it and smile. It'll be so good, I promise.

Conversations (or Lack Thereof)

I've noticed I hold many things back from P. I know this is the worse thing to do in a relationship, because people always talk about how 'communication is key!', but I haven't figured out what that means yet...

Sometimes I feel like P avoids certain conversations. Not out of any negative sentiment, but probably because he's uncomfortable talking about them. Like the me wanting to see him more thing. I think he doesn't like risky topics. Risky in the sense that someone could get upset or hurt.

Whenever I feel like i'm holding back, I have a tendency to shut down a little bit. I retreat to my thoughts and try to figure out 'what went wrong'. A lot of the time I think the problem is mine, and that I created it on my own, instead of trying to deal with it with the person in question. This is not a great strategy since, I usually end up caving or blowing up a little bit.

I'm in a weird place right now... I'm unsure how to get out of it.

Modern Love

Funny how when we're sad, the kind of sadness that weighs in your belly, the first thing that goes is our desire to eat. I'm full on sadness.

I'm being over dramatic, but the thing is I have a little ache in my heart to see P and he's too busy. Not only is he too busy, he's happy being busy. He said he misses me, but he's okay with having seen me for 6 hours total last week. He doesn't see that as a crappy situation.

What's also crappy is that I leave the conversation feeling demanding for wanting to see him twice per week.

He worked on a film set from friday to monday. I'm super happy that he was able to, given that he hasn't had the chance all summer. I'm happy to see him so enthusiastic and energetic. I guess I just didn't realize I would become second potatoe so soon.

I know filmmaking is his passion. I love that it is. I know he's not the type to let anything step in the way of his dream. I think I may not have realized what that meant...

You Are What You Eat

I've been thinking a lot about food these days. In an attempt to save money, I've discovered the joys of freezing things in one-meal portions. In the last two days I've made two versions of sheppard's pie, tomato-garlic-olive sauce for pasta with chicken and beet-carrot salad. Tonight I was cooking, while I was cooking. I felt present in and pleased with my actions. Preparing food, thinking ahead, being creative, not putting pressure on myself to make anything perfect. The last point might be the most important.

I've been putting too much pressure on myself (and others) to be perfect in the last while. I know it's not right, or productive, to be that way, but I often find myself forgetting that people are human and their imperfections make them special and wonderful.

I found this film at La Boite Noire: "How to Cook Your Life". It's a documentary about a zen chef Edward Espe Brown and (mostly western) culture's attitude towards food. I didn't know what to expect when I rented it. I simply hoped it would be visually interesting.

It turns out to be more about the philosophy of food, and in turn, of life. He says at some point something like "making sincere effort means the blemishes show", it's not pretending to be perfect and it shouldn't have to be. This should be my motto from now on.

I also need to eat less sugar. L is on a mission to cut back, and she being the only other person with a similarly sized sweet tooth... I believe I should also make an effort. So far, it's been very difficult.

I bought honey though. It's really wonderfully tasty.

"The Moon is Reaching For Me"

I've reached a point now where I feel exhausted and exhilarated. I remember a few months ago, we went to Toqué, the most expensive restaurant in the city, for a friend's birthday. For a moment, I stepped outside my body and found myself surrounded by these great people. I saw myself with them and felt jealous. I felt jealous of myself. It was a strange but wonderful feeling.

I feel like I've been patient, and I've built something beautiful with the people around me. I feel like I have everything I wanted. It's a strange but wonderful feeling.

My job is good and challenging (dealing with different kinds of people), my internship is fun, the journal is really picking up steam and I've somehow managed to get my need to consume under control. All in all, this was a summer of hard work. Work, work, and more work. Very rewarding, but also tiring.

I tried to go swimming last night for the first time in a few weeks. I only managed to swim for half the time I usually do. I felt overwhelmed and stressed. I wasn't able to relax, feel the water, and clear my head. My brain is unable to shut off these days... I fear that it will become worse during school.

I've decided what to do about grad schools. I'm going to apply to McGill for library studies, and Carleton for film studies. I'm keeping the PhD on the back burner for the moment, because I don't think I'm ready to leave the city and all the wonderful people here.

I can't believe I'm living the life I've always wanted.

Tonight, it's a Hepburn trilogy (Audrey for Funny Face and Sabrina, and Katherine for Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?).

I've got old movies on the brain and it feels great.

I Know, I Know, I Know

I haven't posted in too long.

The skies are a beautiful shade of pink, and life is happening all around me. It's amazing and terrifying simultaneously.

The journal I'm starting up with L at school is taking on some momentum. I interviewed a new prof at school tonight. It was awesome to talk to someone with similar interests, but more knowledge. The kind of knowledge I hope I will gain.

I've been discovering the joys of talking to people. My investigation into the meaning of friendship yielded surprising and rewarding results. Asking them questions and listening to their answers without necessarily providing my own insight. This interview was another sort of investigation, maybe an investigation into my future.

I've started the heavy-duty research into graduate programs. I'm still hesitating about everything, but I'm anxious to be decided.

New job at Bummis. New internship around the corner for Vice magazine, which will be the first time I'm doing something even remotely related to my field (and getting paid -- not bad). I think although it's not perfect, it's a smart move towards my 'career'.

I haven't been reading my design blogs too carefully, instead I've been reading books, which is a nice change. I guess I just needed to find the right one, and that was "On Photography" by Susan Sontag. It's the kind of book that focuses on this great art theory, but also, the theory is totally applicable to life. For example, she said

"In contrast to the amorous relation, which is based on how something looks, understanding is based on how it functions. And functionning takes place over time, and must be explained in time."

I think this is a great and comforting quote. It makes me worry less about not understanding things, or not being able to express my thoughts on things, because if I understand that this will take time I understand that there is no need to put that kind of pressure on myself.

My next book will be Barthes "Camera Lucida", another photography book. I guess i'm seeing these photography books as different sorts of entries into cinema. In a way, expanding my scope of knowledge. There's an intro to Art History I would love to take next year, but my schedule does not permit it. I guess I'll have to learn myself, which is not such a bad thing.

(I will blog more.)

Semi-successful Investigation

I've been thinking a lot about relationships: friendly ones, blood ones, and romantic ones. I find it interesting how some people are very hesitant to think about them, to think about how they are formed, what makes them work, what makes them last.

How do we define 'friend'? Is it defined by the frequency of their presence? Geographic proximity? I think part of it is about being on the same page at the same time. Not necessarily close in terms of daily life, but connected through their interpretation of their experiences. Their ability to empathize, maybe. Often this is related to comforting someone, given them advice, which ultimately boils down to 'listening'. Listening with their open heart.

What sort of expectations to we have of our friends? I suppose I'm stating that they should listen with their heart. But one interesting thing my mom proposed to me when I was having some difficulty adapting to Jcqs and I's changed friendship, she said: 'he does not owe you anything'. I had difficulty wrapping my head around this because I had a hurt-feelings residue, but later I came to realize that she's right. Friends don't owe us anything. We shouldn't be friends with people because we think that somehow they owe us their time, their attention, their respect because we give ours to them. Being someone's friend should be a selfless thing (or as much as possible, because we all know how doing good to others makes us feel great too).

Now, I perfectly understand it when someone argues, 'but people are friends because the other person gives them something, there is a mutual exchange that happens', and I can agree that an energy exchange can occur, but expecting this exchange is where it becomes problematic. Expecting anything is problematic, because that creates certain limits in which this friend fits. Then how are we supposed to deal with unforeseen changes? When we become frustrated, disappointed, feel forgotten or replaced? When one of the pair begins feeling these things, it means there are some kind of expectation established. I can understand how expectations are related to a sense of 'caring': if someone never expects anything of you and you can be here or there, and everything is the same, then how do you know that the other person has any sense of you, what you do, what you care about, where you are and how you feel.

The other problem with expectations is that they are so arbitrary. For this, I use an extreme example in a slightly different interpersonal dynamic (a romantic relationship): I expect my partner never to hit me, under any circumstances. This, which seems so black and white is not when you consider that for some women, being hit can (probably unconsciously) be justified. Now, in a friendship the example should probably be milder, but my point is simply that expectations create a 'lose-lose' situation, because they are different for every person. Then, if we don't expect anything out of anyone, it's win-win, because we'll constantly be surprised.

Now, I must emphasize that I am not convinced that the issue is so clear cut, or that it will ever be. But, I think it's important to think about it because when we become disappointed we should think about what is really disappointing us.

I see so many holes in all the possible variations of these arguments, I'm not sure what to make of them. What I have noticed in my subtle investigations of people and their relationships is that it seems most people are reticent about discussing friends, love and family. Then I wondered why? Is it because these elements of life should be felt, and not thought?

I'm not sure I can do that. I love thinking about the people around me too much. They're my point of reference.

Feel it.

I haven't blogged in many days, updates will come. I just caught up with Notes. I felt your happiness. I felt it like goosebumps.

It's amazing how people with such distance between them can feel so close.

Tied at the Hip

I just spent the last four days straight with P. It was amazingly fun and relaxing. We don't usually spend so much consecutive time together, probably because some part of me was a little bit afraid of the tension that can go along with being with someone 24 hours per day, but mostly because we're both kind of busy. We've been painting his new place and it's all coming together quite nicely.

I love how we can be in the same room, painting and not talking. I love not talking with him. I love how he lets me be in my head a little, but he always makes contact with me: a brush on the back here, a kiss on the forehead there. We're constantly touching each other, which is something I never really thought I would do. Fear was always holding me back, but now, contact is warmth and love.

I must admit, I was a little bit worried about our 'not talking'. I worried that our relationship was not communicative enough and that I was holding back or avoiding debatable topics to keep everything smooth. Last night we went to see a great film, 'J'ai tué ma mère', and we proceeded to have a great post-film discussion with L and her friends about our impressions of the film. P was saying that the most important part of a great film, and often what makes it a 'classic', is the seed of the film, the idea, or the story. I was arguing that although the nucleus of the film is important, what matters most is the way in which this idea is executed, the visuals, the style, the merging of form and content. We sort of agreed, but we were mostly disagreeing, all the while laughing and giving each other googly eyes. Later that evening he said, 'bebe, you're such a hard arguer', and it sort of made me happy. I was happy that we were having a discussion, a debate, about something we really believed in but we were still totally listening and trying to understand the other without getting defensive. He doesn't inspire defensiveness in me at all, which is really refreshing.

It's cool how, with P, my instinct is to go with the flow, not spill all my beans at once (which used to be my style: 'bombard them with information and see if they'll stick around') and deal with each neurotic drama one at a time. It feels really good to have one's natural instincts 'accepted' (that seems like the wrong word, but you know what I mean).



On Sunday after the movie, we bought ice cream as a snack. In the van, on our way home, P decided to surprise me and bring me to the top of the mountain. The lights, the view, ah! It was so romantic... Okay, okay, I'll stop before I start gushing.

"June, she'll change her tune..."

It seems many of us are in the same boat, be it the 'patching, sanding and painting' boat, the 'living financial stress' boat or the 'looking for a job' boat. I've been stressed lately; feeling ill-equipped to face life's surprises (job ending, fridge breaking down, not managing my money correctly).

Yesterday I helped P fix up his new place. We arrived at 10 am and his other roommate was nowhere to be found. He put me to work, patching and sanding. I tried to do it as best as I could, not really knowing what I was doing. He assured me I was doing good. He expressed some frustration with his roommates' lack of work ethic. It made me realise how responsible and organized he is. He has a very clear picture of what he wants and he knows how to get there, this became increasingly clear when his roommate and I were just sort of sitting watching P do things. I mean, it helps that he's tall, so some things are just easier for him to reach, but overall, he's a damn hard worker and all I wanted to do was keep up with him to make him proud. I felt a little lost at times, but I think that goes with the renovation territory.

Doing that with him was probably the best thing I could do to take my mind of the fact that I am completely broke and jobless. Having no work and looking for some is a huge blow to my self confidence, which I know is ridiculous, but I feel it all the same. It's the first time in my life that I'm not ahead of the game. Last year, I had a job before exams were over. I feel aimless and floaty. I want to take advantage of this "break" to really look for something I like, think seriously about what I want to do, not stress about finding a job, trusting that something will happen, but it's difficult. It's also too easy to sit at home, watch old episodes of sex and the city and wait for the hours to pass.

I'm trying to read, to get in touch with other aspects of my mind. My imagination went wild when I started reading stories again. I'm reading 'The Life of Pi', which was a suggestion from P.

I've realised I've misplaced many books and films.. and that this is somewhat disappointing. But then I think, 'maybe I should let these material things float in the universe and touch other people. They're just things.' I need to get away from my materialism... especially when I have no budget.

Another lovely discovery: Jean Talon Market. This place makes me so happy. Things are so inexpensive, you can get so much of them, and the atmosphere is simply lovely. It made me fall in love with Montreal a little bit more.

I wonder if we will ever feel still and satisfied?

Stop Overthinking!

This is my new motto. That and 'just let it go'.

I've started repeating these things while cylcing.. a pseudo-therapy I guess.

Trying to be calm is difficult, but I'm really trying. That and being happy.

Take A Deep Breath. It Calms The Mind.

I think I take myself too seriously. I'm pretty sure I set out to be this way when I was 13 and my parents didn't take my growing pains seriously. Now it's biting me in the ass.

I had my meltdown in the Meisner workshop. It started from the meditation. I had tears in my eyes even though they were closed. In my head I was reliving everything that I felt last night. Me and P spending time together, after our initial plan for a special date fell through (I thought I had people to meet at 5.30, but they never showed, so my non-appointment put a wrench in P's romantic gesture).

He came over after his supper, and we hung around for a bit. Then we made plans to go to Provigo on St-Urbain and Mont Royal for ice cream sandwiches. In my mind, I was like 'finally, a good, old-fashioned ice cream sandwich' (you know the kind of skinny ones with the soft cookie exterior), but all we could find were these fake ice cream ones (Breyers -- it's not real). So we go to PA, then a dep, then another dep. After PA, I was like 'I don't even want one, you can get one, I don't want one anymore'. Now I know that this was sort of a shitty attitude to have... like 'It's about the ice cream sandwich, it's not about eating it with you, it's about the thing itself'. So P was getting annoyed and he started making jokes I didn't appreciate. I was getting frustrated with the tension I had created and was holding inside. I was also thinking about how ridiculous the whole situation was (so... our first fight will be about ice cream sandwiches?). We tried to release the tension with hand-holding, and kisses, but somehow I wasn't letting go.

When we got home we lied around talking and then he said something (I don't remember what) and it just triggered some sort of reaction in me. I felt stone faced. I just looked at him without saying anything, feeling the tears well up and then I buried my face in my bed without a word. Then my face began to grimace, the tension was building, I was trying to push it down, I began feeling confused about why I was wanted to cry, about why this situation was provoking this reaction, about how I didn't like this irrational part of myself, then feeling disappointment in myself.

He was touching my hand, and he would squeeze a little bit, like 'are you okay?' Then with my hand on his back, I would rub it a little bit, like 'I'm here, but I don't know what's going on'. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore and I cried in my bed. He was rubbing my back and saying 'it's okay, it's okay'. My face was all hot and moist and my hair was stuck everywhere, but eventually I looked at him. His eyes were so filled with concern and warmth that I hid my face in my hands and cried again. He kept rubbing my back as I tried to catch my breath.

I began feeling like I wasn't myself. I felt horrible for dragging out this ridiculous thing. I told him.Then he said to me 'You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself' and I almost started crying again, but I felt more open at this point. He covered me with his body and gave me a little squeeze once I could breath again. He got up and went to get our toothbrushes, and then we brushed our teeth and then we fell asleep.

Drunk on Love and Happiness

Sometimes that happens when you stop and realize how wonderful life really is, or when you're multi-tasking (talking to friends on the phone while trying to engage in some mildly flirtatious conversations with your beau on gchat) and you forget what you're doing.

i've been doing this Meisner Acting workshop for the past two weekends. As I told Vnss, without really realizing it this workshop is everything I've been thinking about in my brain put into practice. The reason i'm doing this workshop is to kick my shyness to the curb -- mostly when it comes to speaking in class and doing presentations, and it is in fact very liberating. It reaffirms that people are worth trusting and believing in and how they can believe in you without you even realizing it.

Somehow, I have this great confidence in the world these days. Whereas before I would always anticipate the worse, now I believe 'good things come to those who wait' and 'everything's going to work out' (but you have to be open to it). Being open -- really open -- is very difficult. More difficult than I ever realized. It's not something that just happens, it's like we have to continually demand it from ourselves.

Serendipitously, I just found this website with resolutions. Some corny, some thought-provoking. I like 'Discover who you are before you find the person you need to be'...

Oh geez.. I'm so corny these days. But it feels pretty great.

A few things that have been put on the back burner though: my internet/email addiction (.. still going strong), my lack of school-work and my lack of cooking.

I'm trying to swim more, which is good. I can't wait to go back to the Laurier pool.

It's cold here. Not like spring. Not like anything I've felt in a long time, but it still makes me happy.



Speaking of drunk and love... I really wish I still had my 'Punch Drunk Love' DVD... but it disappeared.

All My Friends...

I used to be very possessive about my friends; always wanting to keep them hidden like my own personal, precious gems. NOW all I want to do is introduce them, have them get to know each other independent of me, build something different from what I have with them so that we can all come together under a beautiful, friendly umbrella.

I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday after I blogged, I wrote an email to P apologizing for being needy and lazy. I reiterated how we both know needy relationships are not awesome. I felt a bit worried about how he would respond. I had no need to worry. He encouraged me to put myself first, doing the things that make me feel good, so that we can then spend time together in full spirits. He is so sweet and reassuring. I don't know why I'm scared of being open with him.

I'm in the midst of coming to terms with my old-fashionism. By that I mean, I don't think I'm as much as a strong, communicative, independent, 21st century woman as I thought I was. My insecurities get the better of me and I find myself thinking: 'If a man were to cheat on me, there's a big possibility I might never know; because some people can say 'I love you' and not mean it'.

I'm realizing now what it's like to feel vulnerable, to feel like you are placing your raw, bloody, beating heart in someone else's hand. It's kind of frightening. Maybe it's not frightening, maybe it's frightening that I feel so incapable of letting my guard down. Maybe it's frightening that I feel like a cliché.

Then there's part of me that feels guilty for feeling these things. Sort of how women feel guilty for not wanting to have families. Maybe if accept how I feel, it will be easier to move on...

I wish it wasn't so hard to talk about these things. I wish life was like a blog ... or not. I should read a book.

In the meantime, friends lift my spirits, and so does this movie:

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

Whoa No More

I hit an ultime high on the bad-mood barometer today and I'm confused as to what has prompted this sour mood. I spent the last two days with P and had a wonderful time, but today I left his house, rode home under the dense grey sky, and got home only to be pretty bitchy with Sm. The nice thing about him is that we can discuss my bitchyness, and he doesn't usually take it personally. But seriously, I have to stop doing that.

I've been feeling a little desperate and needy these days. 'Why hasn't he responded to my email?' 'Why isn't he on gchat?' and thinking about him a lot when I should be thinking about other things. I feel like my head is full of air and I have no interesting conversations left in me. It's almost like I enjoy talking about the weather, the usual 'what's new?' but not much more.

I may be over analyzing this.

Today I felt needy and I didn't like it. I also felt like the only thing that would make me feel better was to buy something I didn't need. Right now, that's the worse attitude I could have, given my current financial situation. I keep finding these cool things online, or in stores that are very 'nesting' things. I'm still on this 'hanging things up on walls for very long periods of time' kick.. but it has expanded into table lamps and tshirts -- two things I definetly don't need.

I need more structure, or else I will end up confused and penniless.

So here's my To Do list:

no more restaurants.
learn to cook (better, healthier).
learn to plan.
read (books, not blogs).
sleep (being asleep at 11 is like heaven).
swim (more than once per week).
appreciate friends (every day).
take time for self (every day).
call mom (without putting it off).
simple things.
Think more.
Feel more.
Breathe more.

Here's hoping.

I Want to Build Something

The weirdest thing happened today. I'm at work, working/gchatting with P about his two potential apartments (he's moving in July). One is located approx. 8 houses down from my place, and the other is on the west side of the mountain next to Monkland. For some reason as we were discussing this, I felt the sudden urge to cry. My eyes welled up a little bit, and my heart felt sad. Logically, I know that from the metro, it will be faster for him to get to my house, it's only 2 kilometers more than his current place, but it still made me want to cry. I told him this, and he reassured me that the decision was not made, that either way it would be okay, and that he too was sad to potentially be moving further away.

After this conversation, I began worrying about my 'desperation'. I felt a little bit of 'Adl, this is not a big deal, it does not merit drama', and then for some reason I felt relief at the thought of seeing him tonight. This worries me a little bit. I don't want to feel like that. I should be happy that he is in my life, I should be happy when I see him, but I should not be brought down by minor things like where he lives, or how often I see him. With our schedules, twice a week is great, anything more than that is a bonus.

The story on The Ex has been coming out bit by bit. This also freaks me out. I don't understand why. My curiosity about this is incredible, and I don't understand why I'm pumping it up to be this big thing, when in reality, it will likely be very conventional.

I now have this desire to build things out of wood. A desk, a shelf, a bureau, a bed, whatever. P offered his help which was very sweet. It would be cool to build something together (like a double bed... despite how great sleeping in singles is).

(Dream)

Toothbrushes

I've dropped the idea of crafting a post. Everything that has been going on for the past few weeks has been much of the same: great great fun. We've been socializing alot (the Mel Hoppenheim Awards Night, Festival screenings, birthday suppers, closing parties, family suppers, acandian fiestas), all experiences that make me learn more about P. It's nothing drastic, but it also teaches me about me and how I am around him. I was always very comfortable around him, and I still am. Every time he looks at me it's like a vote of confidence. It's really nice.

I'm going to take a mini break from all this socializing. I'm taking this class on Bunuel and Mexican Cinema and I think it's going to be very interesting. I did not realize he was more than Un Chien Andalou. I'm already behind (because the book is expensive and ridiculously hard to find), but I'm feeling hopeful. The prof is from the school in Cuba, so having him teach just reminds me how calm I felt when I was there. I still feel pretty calm. Although I am having a semi-dramatic crisis about grad school, but hopefully that will work itself out.

I'm trying to get my sleep and swim schedule back on track so I can feel good and productive. Fatigue makes me unable to relax and let my mind be open. My attempt at getting unaddicted to the internet is going ok, but I guess I should have specified 'emails' and 'blogs'. Less emails and blogs, and more books.

More Nina Simone.

Happiness Is A Warm Iron

I'm beginning to feel my brain space open up, lighten up, and be more like it was in Cuba.

I'm too happy to post about anything that's not lame.

I'm thinking a lot about making a house one's own. Maybe building a shelf with my roommate. Simplifying. Living grounded, being grounded. We moved the furniture around in the living room and already it feels homey-er.

I just want to lie in bed and feel the breeze coming in from the window.

"It's Real Love"

Last night was the Film Prod III class screening. P and L's films were playing. P called me the night before asking if I wanted to meet him before or make plans or something. I was working on my last paper (finally -- it's over!) so the next day we didn't speak until he called me. He was saying how he was transferring his film and how it was taking longer than expected. He sounded nervous, but calm too. I said I would go ahead and save him a seat.

Sm came with me to the screening. We sat down and settled in for the first 2/3 of the screening. The schedule for the evening was : everyone else's films / entr'acte / L's film / P's film / Ann's film (a nice girl I met a the film people party). Almost all the films were great. As the films went on, people started wondering where P was. people were asking me where he was, it was really funny and strange. At the entr'acte, I checked my phone and he had called. His film transfer was running late. The prof informed everyone there would be a switch in the order.

L's film was exceptional. It was exactly my kind of film. So beautiful and subtle, it was really impressive. After the last film P called me. He asked me to tell someone, so I told L. The prof told everyone it would be about a 15 minute wait. I felt so nervous and stressed for P, even though I knew everything would work out, and I sort of liked the drama and the anticipation that was being created. Most people stayed, which was probably largely due to L's shouting: "You should stay, it's a really great film". Finally he arrived, and then people swarmed around him at the back of the auditorium. I was sitting in the middle, hoping he would see me, but in the confusion (he told me later) he sat alone in the front.

The lights dimmed, and the film started. My muscles ached from being tense and nervous for him. As soon as it started, my mouth cracked into a huge smile and remained that way for the whole film. It was beautiful. For some reason the quality of his projection was significantly better than most of the other ones. The sound was great, the image was gorgeous, it was so fluid and seamless, I was in awe. I wished he was sitting next to me so I could squeeeze his hand.

The film ended and everyone got up and started congratulating him. I didn't know where he was sitting, so I couldn't go over and give him a hug, until I got to the back of the room, and saw that he was sitting at the front. I tried to make my way to the front, and eventually I did. Gave him a kiss and a hug, but was almost as quickly pushed to the side by crazy fans (by crazy fans, I mean nice, supportive film students). I hung around with Jrdn and Sm and Erc mostly, while P was getting showered with compliments. It was really nice to see. I felt really happy for him.

(Sidenote: as with the party, I knew this sort of thing would happen, him getting lauded and being chatty and our conversations being interrupted by people, and it doesn't bother me, i'm extremely happy for him. The only thing I was bothered by was when in the moments when we were together people would come and interrupt. That, I was not a huge fan of.. but anyway)

I had my paper to write, so I wasn't planning on going to the bar, even though I wanted to, because he seemed sort of flushed and excited but in a tired way. I wanted to be supportive, but he was also going with Jrdn and Erc, so I thought he could share the moment with them. I headed back to the library, got down to business (hoping I would write enough to justify going to the bar), and about an hour into it, P calls me. "Hey, were you sleeping?" he says, "No I'm still at school" I answer. "You're still at schooool? I'm standing in the spot were we met" he says. "Awwww that totally justifies me leaving my paper and going to find you, babe" I answer and tell him I'll be there in 15 minutes.

I see Jrdn and Erc at a table near the door and settle down with them. They make funny jokes about how P only talk to them when he wants beer, and how they're sick of talking to each other. Eventually P sees me and comes over. He starts kissing me and hugging me and being all touchy, which is really sweet and kind of funny. He doesn't seem like it, but his instant cuddliness gives him away as mildly drunk. He spent the night between talking with his friends, and coming over and fondling me in front of his other friends. It must have been annoying for them, but he was so cute I didn't care.

His friends would say goodbye to me, and they were all so nice. I soon dropped the idea of finishing my paper, and decided to go sleep over at his house.

This morning was sort of lazy, we listened to the beatles, walked around in our underpants and ate cheerios. He made me listen to this song by the beatles which I had never heard before. It's quite beautiful. Tonight while I was at school and finishing my paper, the song popped into my head. I found the video and sent it to him on gchat. He loved the video and he suggested this be "our song" if only temporarily. I agreed. It's funny how I love these things about him, and how he says things that are in my brain.

I feel so happy and in love. And right now, a little tired because it's 2:04AM.