Hiatus

It seems not only us amateur bloggers are taking a break from blogs during the holidays. My trusty design blogs have been slowing to a crawl.

I haven't been surfing them much anyway.. not only because the Internet is virtually non-existent at my folks' place, but also because I'm getting a media overdose at my dad's place. TV, Internet, Wii, and whatever other tech-gadget you couldn't possibly need.

On xmas day, I was at my mom's with my step-dad and aunt. We were waiting to make the supper and the power goes out. They live in a small house with a wood stove so heat was not an issue, but the turkey in the oven was. We left it in there to ultra-slow cook and spent our time talking and listening to the radio (which you have to crank to get working). It was really great.

My aunt and I left for civilization a while later since the power was still out. I went to my dad's and became overwhelmed by this sense of awkwardness. I'm having a weird time here.. walking around, feeling like a stranger, like I'm intruding on something.. I'm totally disconnected from them and I feel no attempt to bridge the gap. I'm not extremely bothered by this situation, but I feel like the effects will come out in a few weeks.

Generally, I'm feeling really calm.. 'at peace', if you will. Really happy about my life in montreal and the people I have the privilege to be around.

The New Guy, who will henceforth be known as P, called me the day I was arriving at my mom's place. I was a bit tired so I texted him back asking if I could call him the next day. In his message, he left me his parents' phone number -- I had a mini-dilemma about whether to call his cell, or the parent's place. I called the land-line. I called and said "Es-ce que je peux parler a P SVP?' and the motherly voice answered 'un instant svp' with a heavy English accent. Then I heard her yell 'P. Pp-p! Phone. I think it's Adl, it's a 506 number'. I smiled uncontrollably.

He answered the phone and calmness washed over me. We talked for a while, maybe 15-18 minutes. He said he played hockey and talked about how his holiday is usually spent with his nuclear family. There was maybe one or two silent moments, but they felt ok. I'm the one who ended the conversation (which is somewhat uncommon -- me always so eager to talk and all). I told him I'd call him later to see what his plans are for going back to the city.

On xmas day, I checked my email and to my surprise, there was one from him! He's so good with titles ('Un petit mot doux' and 'Late night letters'). This was sent before we had spoken, so some of it was repetitive, but interesting nonetheless. He finished the email with 'Je pense a ton joli sourire, xox P'

Why is it that all his sweet stuff doesn't gross me out like Sml's sweet stuff did? It's strange.. I feel like with P, I don't have the upper hand even though he is openly expressing his interest and I am a little more slow about it. With Sml, I felt like I had all the power and that made me sort of look down on his openness (whoa.. I just realized how mean that is of me..) and eventually lose interest.

I had a mini-drama in my head the other day when I was thinking of what this thing with P means when we go to school. Do I have to sit with him in class all the time? Spend the break with him? Have lunch with him everyday? What? My initial reaction was: I don't want to sit with him. I don't want anyone to know! I don't want to meet his schoolmates.

Then I thought about how he puts me at ease, and that could be nice at school. Although.. I'm still leaning towards taking it slow at school (but then again.. I said the same thing about sleeping with him and look how that ended up!) I'm worried I will settling into some sort of couple-y behavior and that everything will go to shit after that.

Then again, I feel pretty pumped about school again. I got my grades back, and I got what I deserved in Film Script Analysis (B+). I'm anxious to see my profs comments on my paper. I think she and I will become friends. I'm going to talk to her about graduate school. I'm also going to talk to the head archivist of the Concordia Archives about various archiving programs.

I'm trying to get a head-start. We'll see how this goes. I've got Tarkovsky waiting for me when I get back.

Tall Boots!

(** This is an old post I didn't publish right away)

Still nothing in the grades department. This is particularly irritating.

I'm pretty worried about my Film Script Analysis paper.. I almost feel like saying: "Can you just give me the credits but not a grade..." I don't know if that's possible, but I wish it would be. I know it shouldn't have an effect, but bombing this class has made me think I might not be suited for graduate studies. I had a golden opportunity to do something really cool in her class, and I'm not sure I will have succeeded. It's not a good feeling.

In other news, Vncnt is in the middle of reconsidering his 3 year PhD at Oxford. He's thinking 1.5 years in Lay instead. We had a long gchat conversation about our current situation, and it turns out, he's more jealous than I thought. I feel good and bad simultaneoulsy. I didn't see him for the few weeks preceding his departure, and won't see him until my arrival. But.. I miss him.. a lot.

I suppose if there's nothing much to report, I shouldn't force any posts. I've been really busy, but with things that aren't extremely close to me (saying goodbye to old roommates, etc.).

I feel lucky though, that I have so many wonderful people around me right now.

Wow³

I'm done. School is done. My final paper was a bust, but it's over and I can be happy about that.

I have a wicked cough scrapping my throat. The ginger tea Jol prepared me is soothing it.

So, I called the New Guy on Tuesday night, we made plans for Wednesday night after work. He was somewhere with his friends (so there was some noise in the background), but he said, 'I'll send you the google maps if you need directions', so I quickly said, 'oh my email's my first name dot my last name at gmail' and the next day, not only did I have an email, but I had an email with a google map link from the nearest metro stop to my house (which was only mentioned in passing) to his house, with additional details. I thought that was so sweet. I wrote his back that I would be there with bells on.

So, I got out of work a little later than hoped, and walked over to his house (25 minutes). Went up to his place to find this beautiful cozy apartment with pictures on the walls and old cameras in a display alcove. It was really put together, and I told him so. He said it was his aspiring-interior-decorator mother who was responsible.

So he had the food ready to go, he made his favourite thing to eat: stuffed coquille with cheese and tomatoes and salad. Then to my surprise, he also planned for brownies (!), which I don't even remember mentioning in any serious way. Needless to say, I was impressed. We talked and laughed about films for the most part. Then I brought my light meter to ask him if it worked. We got on the couch near the light and then he explained how it worked. I met his best friend, Jrdn, who seems really nice.

He has this very young way of behaving sometimes. Like.. sitting on the couch right next to me, putting his arm around me, stuff that I would think would repulse me I found sweet.

How is it possible for such nice people to exist? When I look out of my cocoon, I almost always find people who are genuinely nice.

Anyway, he showed me some of his early films and they were good. He also showed me some bits of his last film which looks impressive. My eyes are opening to filmmaking in a way that couldn't be done in class. Maybe it's all the technical jargon, but either way, it's fascinating.

I really like him. I feel calm about it. It's so simple. (Watch me complicate the hell out of this one.) He seems really smart and funny and I want to see him again.

I can't wait to go home, do nothing but watch movies and lie around on the couch. (Sidenote: This cough is killing me.)

I told Vncnt I went on a date and that it went really well. We had a good conversation about our friendship, where we are now, the fact that I'm scared that seeing V, or what he may say will have an effect on how I am with the New Guy. He confessed that he was scared I won't have time for him anymore.

This is going to be quite a balancing act.

Ravioli Alla Napolitana

That's what I ate for supper with the New Guy. After waiting an hour for the metro (only to find out I was 15 minutes away by foot) I was kind of pissed, and kind of worried that things wouldn't go well. But I called him an hour late, saying I would call him when I was ready to leave.

We met up in the center of Berri-Uqam metro. I got there 5 minutes early (thanks http://www.stm.info/) and he got there right on time. We gave each other la bise and went on our way to St-Denis. We walked and talked, it was easy conversation. He suggested this place on St-Denis, I think it was Napolito something, a few doors north of de Maisonneuve. The decor was christmas kitsch. It was really funny. At some point he said something like 'So, your name, it's germanic. It's funny, I never met an Adl before, but now it's popping up all the time: yesterday I went to go see Synecdoque, NY and the lead character is called Adl. Then as I was cleaning my apartment, I picked up the pamphlet from the awards last year, and I was looking through it and there you were!' I thought that super sweet and so awesome that he told me that. The food was surprisingly good! I had Ravioli alla Napolitana, really really good. We ate and talked. I was trying to be polite (i.e. not talk with my mouth full -- i think i did ok, but i also think i should be more conscious about stuff like that.) then we were sort of waiting. At some point I thought, 'i have no more water left, i'm not going to eat the rest of this, I feel like going somewhere else' so I said 'should we go?' and then we talked and waited for the people to bring the check. He said 'j'vais prendre la facture' and I said 'ah non non' and he said, 'yeah' and then i said 'ok, I won't insist too much'.

It was somewhat strange. Everything felt natural but I felt sort of polished. I was nervous, but not to the point where I lose my words and ramble on aimlessly. I could say smart things, use nice words (like ambivalent and discerning), and felt like he got what I was saying. We went to the exhibit, which was outside, what a great surprise! It was actually really cool. He introduced me to his friend. It was sweet; he would nudge me sometimes, like an accomplice. His friend was really nice too. The show was about interactive art. His friend created an instrument, a big thing with pipes. When you stood in front of it would send a signal to some thing that compressed air and then released it and a little ball would hit the pipes, which were cut at different lengths, making different sounds. It was really cool, but I was freezing my ass off. (I wore my Christian Dior tights with the weird pattern, the beige wool skirt Vnss gave me, and my soft black sweater and sneakers.)

Then from the art show, I was like, 'I need something warm in me quick, cause I'm freezing' so we went to the Scnd Cp on the corner. We went in, found a table and I was like: 'I'll get this'. It was also really sweet, I said: what do you want? and he said something like, 'I think.. I want a hot chocolate.. I mean, it might make me look like a kid but..' and it was funny because, that's what I wanted. So we both got hot chocolates and some cranberry pastry thing. Went to the table, continued talking. I forget about what, but film stuff a lot of the time.

At some point, I had my hand on my lap under the table, and I was sort of leaning over. Then I felt his hand and it was magical. I was in the middle of a sentence, and then, I just couldn't talk. I was completely and utterly at a loss for words. It was a really nice surprise. So we (insert funny hand motion here) for like 20 minutes.

There was lots of looking in the eyes. Not in a corny way, but maybe.. yeah, in a corny way. Then, we stopped the under the table business. At some point I made him touch my legs of steel, which was funny. Then the (insert funny hand motion here) continued, but now on the table. There more talking, laughing, and gazing. Towards the end, we weren't really talking, but it was nice to just be there.

Then we looked at the time and it was 12.07. Four hours, gone! just like that. We got on the metro. I took the green line to Place des arts, but that left us with only two stops... there were a few 'so..' moments, which were cute. As we were talking on the metro he said: 'so.. i'll see you next week, when you're done?' and I said: 'yeah.' I was thinking 'I really want you to come home with me.. but i really don't want to sleep with you (for responsibility's sake)' so I decided I wouldn't say anything, but I was like, 'is he gonna kiss me? What’s going on?' (but I was also sort of avoiding his face..) Then as we were approaching the station, I was like, 'fuck it, i want to kiss him' so i did! I did, I did! He kissed me back and then, pouf! I was gone (luckily I turned the corner before he --in the metro -- passed by, so it was a perfect moment).

I'm thinking the ball's in my court, which doesn't stress me somehow. This dude is just so easy to be around. It's strange. Maybe it's because he shows some pretty clear interest... Which puts me at ease, but not so much that I feel like I have all the power.

Nice. Reallllly nice.

We also came up with an idea for a children's book based on his childhood fear.

This is pretty much how I feel.

New Obsession

For the past few weeks now, I've become obsessed with wanting to hang things on walls for very long lengths of time. See picture below.

Maybe it's the time I spend on design and apartment blogs that makes me want to settle down. Or at least, have a place to call 'my' home.

Also, I was never into this mustache business, but this picture and article are funny:

The eyebrows are also funny.

The New Guy called me tonight (at 10pm, a little late for my taste, but hey, it may actually be the best time to reach me, so...) we talked for 20 minutes or so. It was easy conversation. I'm really feeling the difference of talking to a prospect who has similar background versus talking to a prospect with interest but not the same knowledge. It's cool. (Although I should clarify that some people I know who are not in the 'field' know as much or more than i do about many things). Anyway, he remembered some stuff from yesterday which was sort of nice. Then he was like 'my friend's show.. Uqam.. tomorrow' and I was like 'work.. yeah.. library.. i'll call you tomorrow'. He gave me his number.

So tomorrow we're supposed to meet at some point, maybe grab a bite before, go to the library (which we won't go to, because it closes at five on stupid saturdays! -- I wanted to go get some Nina Simone CDs for my trip to moncton), go to the show, go get a coffee or something after, and then what?

I'm not sure if it's not okay to talk about this on blogs, but.. I'm not sure how I feel about sleeping with him yet. I'm pretty sure I don't want to rush into it though. Things get ruined like that (by that I mean: I get bored in those cases).

I'm going to think about this, but also, I think it's the responsible thing to do to not sleep with him. I don't wanna be that girl. It's going to be awkward in class.

Oh jeez, I just had a flashback. Ok, I have to stop thinking about this.

Shivers

I still have his smell lingering on me somewhere. My face? His hair? -- I don't think so. Too strong for laundry. He was wearing a dress shirt and soft pants. Ah -- it's under my nose. A clean smell, that I can't quite place. I was coming from my second drink and some socializing. The initial encounter ENTIRELY ORCHESTRATED BY VNSS (so 'caj', so 'i like your shirt', so genius!).

So, we talked about film studies, film production, his film, his meeting of Spielberg. I was pretty on the ball, though occasionally falling back on cliché questions (which directors inspire you? that's when the truth came out -- he loves Spielberg hehe Although I should confess that I have a soft spot for Whoopi Goldberg pre-The View, so I can't judge). At some point he said, 'I'm going to go to the bathroom' at which point I went to find Sm. I didn't feel super pumped to push this guy, but Sm and a CSA girl Mm kept telling me he was checking me out. I had a hard time believing it was happenning, so I had another drink and let a little looser. I eyed him a few times more, and then engaged in conversation with other people. At some point, I was talking to this guy who seemed flirty, but I didn't return the feeling, I was looking for a way out so I said: 'However inappropriate this may be to say.. I'm gonna go to the bathroom' and proceeded on my way in my guy's direction (i.e. the bathroom) I coolly chatted with another girl I had briefly met earlier in the evening, we were making jokes, trying to get ahead of the line (i.e. trying to get him to notice me) and when I got there, he did. Several people went to the bathroom before us, but neither of us seemed to notice.

We were talking.. I'm not sure what about, but I did feel inclined to tell him a strange thing that had just occurred to me an Mm. I tolf him: "two guys came up to us and said: so hey.. we uhh.. noticed you checkin' us out, you ahh.. wanna.. you know" to which Mm promptly replied: 'ey! C'est poche comme approche ca!' and they scuttled away. I said: 'although I appreciate the honesty, I think there's a better, more subtle way of going about it' and he said: 'aha.. so.. you noticed I was checking you out?' I paused (what do I say? 'me too?' 'yes?' fuck!) and replied.. (trying to take Lv's advice: be yourself, be yourself, be yourself which to me means, be honest!) ... 'It might be creepy to say, but... I noticed you before... uhmm.. two years ago in the library.' He said: 'really? what was I doing in the library!?' then we laughed and he said: 'well... I noticed you in Film Directors class' to which I responded: 'I sit in front of you!' and he said: 'well.. I did!' Then I was like.. ok, adèle, i'm not sure how much more clear than that it can be, he's into it, the cat is in the bag, you can get what you want, don't fuck it up!

After a few minutes of (somewhat needed awkward) silence he says: 'so, you wanna try some funny dance moves?' (because we were sort of giggling at Sm and the silly dancers, and saying how we are also very silly dancers ourselves.) So we "danced" for about... 1.15 minutes. Then his hand brushed.. touched mine.. then he held it. We swayed with the hip-hop funk (or whatever it was). Then the other hand.. same thing. We were still talking, the whole: so where're you from bit, but we were both fumbling for words a little (I was serious.. because I was pretty tipsy at this point). Then I don't know how it happened, as I usually don't in these cases, but we started making out. For like 20 minutes, hard, like sluts, on the dance floor. I think there were some people staring at some point.

I think I lost a major chunk, if not all, my street geek cred tonight. (goddammit! -- I was proud of that)

Anyway, we danced, made out, he's hot, why the fuck not?

I decided I didn't want to sleep with him. I'm pretty sure I could have.. but, I felt slightly uncool about it. It would be complicated anyway, working the next day, being tired, it was late, etc.

At some point I said: 'okay.. I should go' and repeated it a bunch of time until Sm got his act together. My guy was hangin' around.. He said things like 'man, I reaaally didn't think I would meet someone as cool as you'. He asked for my number, said there was something about his friend's show this weekend. I said I would be free friday and saturday night (which isn't really true.. paper deadline looming and all), but whatever. I didn't take his number. I felt too ambivalent to commit to that, in the sense that, in my mind, getting his number would justify obsessing about him and why he didn't call (-- which he will, be positive!) So I'm gonna play it cool in an Adl way. I already confessed I knew him two years ago.. it can't get any weirder than that.

He seems cool. I'm impressed that I haven't gone running for the hills yet.

I wonder what I'm going to say to Vincent.. if anything at all, that is. I will say something.. obsess about what I'm going to say.. and all the rest.

In the meantime, I should go to bed, it's 5.15 am. I can still smell him under my nose.

N-n-n-nothing to SAY!

Today, except: my brain hurts
and I love NYC

because it looks like a hot dog.

The Ice Storm

Went to Em Cafe with Sm for some good food. Good food to feed my mind. Had a productive day today, even though I wasted half of it sleeping in until 10.15.. (I fell asleep at 11 the night before).

It's cold outside. The kind of cold you feel in your thighs, but not the kind of cold that burns your face. A crazy blanket of snow just covered the city over the last two days. Everything is covered with 5 inches of snow. The trees have that iced-rain covered thing happennin'. When you walk down the street you hear them crack as you pass under them. And you hope they won't come crashing down on you. Like that parking lot that came crashing on an unsuspecting tenant a few weeks ago.. surreal.

I'm feeling lighter. Happier. Maybe it's because I bought twelve dollars worth of bus tickets.. Am giving up on snow-cycling already? That remains undecided.

I did go swimming tonight. Second day in a row. It felt good tonight. No dizzyness.

These dark-chocolate covered almond are really good. I can't wait to go home. Maybe I won't care about being shy anymore.

What Do You Do With the Pieces of a Broken Heart?

You talk about them on gchat and decide to be friends forever.



I'll store my love in a box, and save it for a rainy day.
Less anxiety, more M. Ward..

The University of Awesomness

A whole new world of possibilities opened itself up to me today. Talking with Vncnt about Grad school and scholarships. It all started when I asked him what he knew about the Fullbright Scholarship, then he suggested the Commonwealth Scholarship.

I did some quick research and found some very interesting programs in the UK. It's very exciting, but also somewhat stressful and confusing.

(Sidenote: everything's fine with Vncnt, we still talk on gchat occasionally. Me = Numb)

Lack of Originality (Title-Wise)

I have never seen this photographof Audrey Hepburn by Erwin Blumenfeld. Verrrry nice.

Trying to wrap this up this take-home exam, but I'm finding too many nice photos not to post. Like, this one:



This is a picture I saw that made me want to cry:



and this is how I felt afterwards:



It would be fun to write stories with images only, but it would probably be complicated copyright-wise.

"Are You Hyper?"

"A little bit... yes."

New discovery, thanks to Vnss and my need to be as cool as Lv. All images on this blog will pretty much always be taken from this website from now on... I kid, I kid, I couldn't let go of my own trusty design/food/fashion blogs.



This picture makes me happy. This one too:



This one is Article b.) of my mantra:

I (Heart) UCP

University of California Press sends me emails from time to time about books it thinks I might like. I've glanced at some of them in the past, but today, oooh today, UCP hit the nail on the head: New Media in the White Cube and Beyond:Curatorial Models for Digital Art Edited by Christiane Paul. This book looks very interesting.

My faith and motivation have been restored today. There is a futur. A futur that can be happy and fulfilling. Filled with birdies. Beautiful birdies.

I may attempt a little de-technoligization (sidenote: there's gotta be a better word for that) in the next few weeks. It'll be easy when I go home (dial-up only, baby).

I'm going to try to go swimming tonight. Gotta hit those waves.

The Conversation We Will Never Have

Yesterday, I thought: 'I need you to tell me you will never give me what I want.'

Today, I thought: 'You don't have to tell me. You tell me everytime you don't.'

Now I think: I shouldn't have to settle for you. I shouldn't have to settle for you. I shouldn't have to settle for you. I shouldn't have to settle for you.

I've found my new mantra.

Spontaneous Heart Combustion

I don't know what it feels like for real, but every time I read these conversations, or even some of my more désespéré past posts, it feels close to heart failure. I feel like I lose the rhythm of the sentences. The words break off and lose their meaning. I find myself unable to understand them or to use them to communicate. Maybe it's closer to being in a foreign country and not knowing the language.

Either way, this is the conversation I had with Vncnt that made me say: "I can't do this anymore"

The reason I didn't respond is because I was unable to muster anything. What I really wanted to say was: "I wish you would just tell me to fuck off", but that's precisely why I couldn't type it.

So, I'm not sure if it's as simple as this, but I don't want to talk about him, hear about him, or write about him anymore.

I'm done.

Andy Williams is my last consolation.. but really, he's only making things worse right now.

From Anderson to Zucker

My prof is awesome. I sent her this email:

"Hi Carole,

what's up? I'm sitting in the mcgill library, making notes in my script (I'm trying to draw pictures in it to help you - and me - follow my train of thought).

I was thinking about this deadline, and how it's looming. I was thinking about how awesome it is that I get to do a paper on The Tenenbaums, but I was also thinking that it would be awesommer if it wasn't due to be handed in so soon. I'm not one to ask for extensions, but I thought that I would ask you if you thought it would be a wise decision to ask for one, so that my paper could be awesommer. (I promise I won't use the word 'awesommer' in it)

I'm really plugging away at it, and it's going well, but things could always go better, no? I understand deadlines exist for a reason, and I never thought I would be "one of those students" who asks for deadline adjustments.

I thought I would ask you what you thought about it. So, whaddaya think?

how does one end such an email?

Who knows,
adele"


and she sent me this reply:

"Hi Adele,

Giving you an extension is not a problem if you feel you need it. I will be leaving for Florida to visit me old dad on December 8th ( a Monday), so if you'd like until Dec. 16th to finish the paper (I will return on the 15th), that is doable.How does that sound?

Best,
CZ"

I didn't want to ask for an extension. I debated it for a few days, but I thought, 'better suffer the embarrassment of asking, than suffer the embarrassment of a sub-par essay'. Besides, this baby is worth 75% of my grade. Killer.

So I'm now going through the grueling process of comparing, line by line, the script to the film. I hope it turns out to be a good essay. I found this interesting article on patriarchy in Wes Anderson's films, but since this is a case study, I'm not sure if I'll be able to work it into my angle (which I have yet to figure out).

School rules. Profs are amazing. I just better not make a habit of this... I love Concordia.

Eric Chase Anderson seems like a pretty cool dude.

In the meantime, I'm going to walk home and consume ridiculous amounts of chocolate, sugar and butter in the form of a flourless cake, frozen deliciousness.

'Vivre Sa Vie' and 'Me as Jealous Julie'

I'm in the middle of writing a short essay on Vivre sa vie by Godard. I hope this one is more successful than my last attempt at explaining Godard. This is one of the more pleasant of his films I've seen. My essay is going relatively well. This is the film with this beautiful shot of Anna Karina.



Went over to Vncnt's briefly, while he was having tea and oranges with Gnvr. We talked about some things, jealousy among them. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I could be jealous of the people who hang out with my friends. He said it means that one is possessive of their friends, and that to possess someone is impossible. I mean, I am sort of possessive, I guess... but I'm not sure how that's a bad thing. I brushed it off by saying it was a matter of personality, and maybe it is, but I think what I meant was, it's a matter of how much you care for your friends to begin with. It's also a matter of security. I'm coming to terms with my insecurity and it somewhat worries me that I can be insecure with friends too. Although, I know I shouldn't be, then, that becomes my problem: getting over myself and my insecurity.

I had another flash of 'I don't want to be friends with Vncnt any more...' ...because 'I want him to be my boyfriend'. I don't understand my inability to shake him off..

Anna Karina is my friend, so is Monica Vitti, in my heart...

Un Peu Occupée, mais...

je trouverai le temps de vous écrire un petit mot.

Two classes are done. One paper is done. Two papers left. Two classes to go. The semester is wrapping up. It feels amazing. Satisfying, stressful, and many other things.

I've been accepted to go to Cuba for the experimental cinema course for two weeks in February. That's pretty neat. I'm happy and excited, I just hope I can buy the ticket for my flight.

Everybody's busy.. nobody's blogging. That's okay. I haven't had nearly enough time to surf the web to find pictures interesting enough to post.

In other news, I bought Vncnt a 'Congratulations You're Going to Oxford -- You Better Go -- Bow tie!' He liked it a lot (I got a cheek-cheek kiss out of it). We spent about 45 minutes tying the bow tie, I did the best one, but he eventually got the hang of it. He said he was debating about whether or not to go to Oxford. He said he'd almost rather go to Mcgill Law. I'm not sure whether to encourage or discourage this possibility.

He's now been featured in a number of articles at Mcgill and in Le Soleil. He looks so cute in his picture!




I wonder if he would be mad that I put that picture up... (tee hee)

Oh yes, gchatting with Vnss made me think of a great moment during our supper. He pulled out some oranges and grapefruit and was cutting them into pieces. He was putting them in his mouth sort of sucking all the juice out and leaving the flesh. Then I took a grapefruit piece and put it in my mouth like a mouthguard and that's when the laughing started. I kept trying to stop laughing and close my mouth, but I would just laugh more. Then I motioned to him to do it and he did. Then we laughed some more, I motioned to him to go look at himself in the mirror and he did and we laughed until he took it out, and I followed suit.

Tomorrow, no work, but schoolwork and laundry.

I'm in a very chippy mood. This guy is amazing, not only because he's twenty (you know how I love the young ones) or because he reminds me of Vncnt, but because he's a brilliant musician.

Café Myriad on MacKay

Had a great cappuccino and muffin with Sam for breakfast. I shouldn't be posting, but I had a burst of happiness and energy this morning after g-chatting with Vncnt for a few minutes. Just the idea of biking home with him at the end of the day makes me bubbly.

For those who have not heard, our Little Vinny is now an official Rhodes scholar. It's been a long process and the guy totally deserves it. I'm really happy for him, and proud too. I'm especially happy that I was "with him" (via gchat) while he was waiting for the call. He called me first (!), but I missed it by a few minutes. I love that he's (one of) my best friend(s). I used to think he resisted this idea of 'friends' and 'groups' because I thought he thought that they waste time and energy or something. But the truth is, 'friends' and 'groups of friends' are the best. They're comforting (see The Birds of a Feather post).

Obviously, I'm a little bit conflicted about his departure next october, but I feel way more zen that I would have a few weeks ago. For some reason, I feel really sad that he won't be here, but I trust that we'll be alright. I think I might skip the option of going to Cuba (which I don't think I'll get anymore -- thanks to my lazyness in filling out some form) and save up to go to England.

This sort of throws my post-grad plans in a loop too... Maybe I'll seriously consider East Anglia (which is in England)... although, the way things are going, Mcgill still seems like the likeliest option.

En tout cas, I'm writing an essay about The Royal Tenenbaums which I am super pumped about. It makes me feel very cool.. which is weird but fun too.

Paper Progess Graph (That's Not a Graph)

Here's where I'm at:



Notice how the cloud has become more dense: this is meant to reflect the depth of my thoughts. The size of the word IMAGE reflects the paper's focus until now, but NARRATIVE, being located almost apart from the rest, is the bridge to my second set of pseudo-intellectual mumblings.

Just_start_writing[1].doc

I desperately want to post -- for poor Procrastination's sake, but this paper is due Wednesday.



Word clouds rule.

Pictures at Première Moisson

Another lovely day..

Photo/Booth at Figaro's

What a lovely day..

I Carry You In My Heart

I stayed in the library until very late last night. I was found by a little bird who goes by the name Gnvr.. who lent me her identity so that I could take out books.

At some point Vncnt and I were chatting. I was reading a Philip Larkin book Gnvr had and was reminded of a poem Mchl sent me a while back. I remember surfing the site and finding a poem that made my heart melt a little bit. I thought: Geez, I really didn't have the words today, when called upon by V to express my love for him. I thought: this poem says it better than I can. In the late hours of the night, I sent it to V with the message : this is what I meant to say today.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- ee cummings

(Side note: blgspt won't let the poem be formatted in it's original layout. This is very un-cool. For the real deal, see here)

He responded: hum, nice but I'm not sure about the parenthesis. I said: Dudie! He's all about the punctuation!

It was friendly and funny. I later asked him if all my declarations were annoying him. He said: 'not at all'.

Today was also funny. We talked about his cat who had run away, but came back. And how now after seeing the world, he's 'metrosexual to the core' because all he does is lick himself all the time. Then I told him he should have a blog where he could post all these anecdotes with pictures and drawings. He suggested it would be a blog about him 'talking to the cat and playing chess.' Then he said he didn't have enough time and that 'every minute of spare time I possess I give it to you' 'either in g-chat or in supper'. I said: 'really?' with a big smiley face and he said 'yeah, in fact, from now on, I'll disregard whether you're online or not. Whenever you're not there you'll just act as a Psycho-Analyst.' I said: 'Will I be getting paid handsomely?' he responded: 'dream on.' Then I told him to 'ROLL TROLL!' and he did.

Holding in Atchooos

It's not a good idea, but I'm not a very discreet atchoo-er. I'm one of those loud, body half-bent, arms-flailing kind of atchoo-ers. In a library, this is not acceptable.

I'm currently having mini-crises every three hours. Deadlines are looming, papers need to be written.. but the wheels aren't turning in the right direction. I shouldn't be writing this post but... after a little surfing, some too-good-not-to-post images were discovered. And a too-good-not-to-post conversation was had earlier today, but I'll recap the last few days too.

Agns arrived on Thursday afternoon. I met up with her and Vncnt at Mcgill. We went shopping for several hours (and it was super fun!) but the lady didn't find a dress to her liking. She ended up (most appropriately) wearing my Kate Moss bird dress and looked fabulous for her graduation.

Vncnt on the other hand found a sweet, sleek black ensemble at Tristan. He looked like a million bucks. So hopefully this will influence the Rhoades judges. I met up with Vnss later on. We searched Holt Renfrew (Love it!), Harry Rosen, Club Monaco (Loove it!) for bow-ties, but didn't find anything fashionable that wasn't over our budgets. Bow-tie hunting is surprisingly fun!

I went home feeling sick and weak, I never found out why.. but I thought I should go to the pool (since I hadn't been in a number of weeks) to make myself feel better. It was pretty funny. I got in the pool, did one lap, and was totally exhausted. The more laps I did, the more flail-y I looked. Apparently, I've lost all style and technique. Agns reassured me it was because I was tired... I hope she's right.

Friday we went to the graduation, and had supper with Agns' parents and two people from Moncton that I know vaguely, but Agns knows slightly better. It was really fun. Mostly, having the parents there was really fun. We went to the Cafe du Nouveau Monde downtown. It was really good.

Saturday we had a supper planned. The usual birdies were there: Agns, Mchl, Gnvr, Vncnt and myself. It was really fun and tasty! At a few moment, I found myself thinking: 'this is what it would be like if V and I were a couple, and we were entertaining friends.' I was finishing his sentences, and rolling my eyes while saying: 'I've heard this story a million times'. It felt really comfortable, but also slightly frustrating. Vnss put her finger on it the other day: I feel somewhat hurt that he has let us get to this level, with no chance of advancing to the next. She also nailed it when she said: 'you sound fed up'. No words could better describe how I felt.

This was the feeling I was carrying around with me today. Fed up. Fed up of the situation, fed up with my thoughts, fed up with myself. Then Vncnt came on g-chat today and we started talking. he said he thought his cat was in a 'peine d'amour' after venturing outside and meeting a catess. I empathized and said "the cat and I have lots in common, we should start a support group." He asked: 'are you in peine d'amour?' to which I responded my usual muddled confusion (yes.. no.. maybe.. what does that really mean?). I told him about being fed up about my thoughts, the repetition of the same ones in my head all the time. I told him I was fed up with the situation I was in; the situation being me unable to connect with someone and it occupying too much brain space. He said: 'Is there anything I can do?' I thought.. hmmm.. what to respond? what do I feel about such a question? So I said: 'You could if you could love me the way I needed you to. But we've talked about this'... (Side note: I was totally not stressed while writing that line. I was actually smiling. I told him I was smiling. I wasn't angry or trying to jab him in any way, it was just really how I felt, and I mostly felt happy that I was comfortable telling him so.)

He responded: 'You sound like you're flirting with old ideas of not seeing me anymore' to which I responded: 'mais non, pas du tout, besides it doesn't work. We're beyond that stage." Him: "Yipee".

Then I told him about the couple feeling I had on Saturday and how I'm slightly hurt because we can go to the next level. He said he didn't really know what to say, I said he didn't have to say anything because I wasn't sad about it. He said he wasn't sure he understood the part about the levels. I reiterated the friendship vs. relationship thing and how we attribute different importance to them. I said I wasn't sure anymore which one I found more valuable. I told him Vnss and I talked about whether or not I could deal with a 'non-sexual but affectionate' relationship. He said: 'and?' and I told him the truth: that I didn't know if I could be satisfied with that, but maybe in the long-term. Like if it's going to be like strictly affectionate in the long run, why bother with the initial passion stuff? but I still think I need the initial passion stuff.. Then I said: 'so I guess I just end up confused and annoyed by myself' He asked: 'Why do you want to be with me? (I'm thinking: yeahhh let's get on the direct-questions wagon. I'm still feeling capable of honesty so) I say: 'the short answer is: because I love you -- why do I love you?, that's a difficult thing to put in words' ... I warn him I'm going to paint a corny picture (because I just can't find any eloquent words to express the right sentiment) so I say: because you're funny, and nice, and interesting. Sometimes you're a little bit difficult. You're charming and stimulating. The more I get to know the details, the more I love what I see.. You're like a strong cheese -- an acquired taste, but soo good when you like it.. and you can be really sweet without knowing it ...or while knowing it. There's just something about you. Maybe it's because you haven't run away from me.' Then I send him this picture (Vnss found it, but it coincidentally landed on one of my followed blogs too!):

and I said: 'this comes close to how I feel' to which he responded: 'it's all the more pertinent that you can't close your hands.' I didn't really understand him, and I said 'ouch?' because I thought he was saying 'no matter how you feel, you won't be able to close your hands -- you won't be able to have me' which, I think my mind made up independently of what he actually said but, the conversation sort of ended in confusion and me having to leave to go meet someone for a project.

All I know is that I feel better about our friendship. I'm trying to be less scared. I'm trying to hug people (Mchl was my guinea-pig on Sunday) and at the end of the day, I want to feel like this:

... but I'm okay with waiting for it (despite what all my neurotic-paranoid-discouraged outbursts may lead you -- and me -- to believe).

Because I Love my Boy's Bow-Ties

Ok, so he's not technically my boy.. but just forget about that for a second.

Tonight we're watching The Piano (Jane Campion) in my Film Director's class. I remember loving this movie. It's going to be good.

I feel really good right now. I have my presentation tomorrow. I don't feel ready, but I'm feeling okay about school.

I have an idea for one of my two papers. I'm able to think about it all day long..

In my specialization seminar, my prof said he would invite 4-6 students for a two-week class in Cuba. The class would be experimental cinema class. This could potentially be an awesome experience..I need to do shit like this. I know Cuba has a unique film past and present.. Maybe they have some cool archives or something. I need to remember how much I want this. My anxiety makes me forget. But I can do this shit. I can be good at it. I'm not a total idiot..

Although.. I did get this question wrong: 5*(2+3(2+4*5))

I said 660, but the answer was 640. I'm going to need some tutoring for GREs.

That being said, I should really prepare this presentation stuff.

I should be more nervous.. but I guess this is what happens when you stop caring a little bit.

//love // love // love // love //

Agns is coming tomorrow!

I Turn to Dust

What a difference a few days can make.

I don't have time to post a whole lot, because I have a presentation on Thursday and I am not feeling prepared for it.

I spent friday night crying. I was woken up saturday morning by Vnss, asking me if we could push our breakfast date to a bit later. That was alright with me. I ended up getting up anyway (for a change)..
We we're supposed to go to the diner on Milton, but when I got there it was packed with weird Mcgill types. I felt like being far away from everything and everyone I usually see, so we decided to go to a place Vnss knew in Pointe-St-Charles. The bike ride was short and pleasant. The Pointe is a real hidden gem. So is Verdun. They have music playing in the streets. You can dance in the streets!

Alors, we had a good breakfast at Art Café (I think that's the name). The food was good, the service was bad, but in a funny way. The guy seemed so bitter. If you saw the interior of this place, you would think: 'You work here! How can you possibly be bitter?' The breakfast was followed up with about 3 hours of shopping in a consignment shop. I had forgotten how awesome vintage stores can be. It really lifted my heart and changed my thoughts.

We went to Vnss's, hung around the house, ate brownies (that were good -- for greasy ones) and tried to read about masculinity from the feminist perspective. We went to bed early and woke up late.

I had made plans with Vncnt to have breakfast, but wasn't feeling very peppy about it. I felt like he might be doing it more out of obligation or something. I raced to his place for 10.30 am. I waited a bit, and he arrived (he was out getting a tube). I thought we would go to Figaro across the street. He was being weird and funny and he didn't feel like going. I suggested we go to Caffe Della Posta on Bernard and insisted on buying him breakfast.

I felt a little bit shy. I felt like he now knew a new side of me (I had told him about Nantucket). I kept trying to steer the conversation away from that. I didn't feel like reliving it. We went to the place, ate breakfast, talked and laughed. I brought up what I deem to be the condition of the modern woman: loving men who don't love them back. I was including myself in this category, of course. This blog wouldn't exist if I didn't. He says to me: "I'm not indifferent towards you!" to which I reply: "Don't go there. Let's not go there". He insisted. I tried to find a way of explaining that it's different: loving and caring for friends, and loving and caring for a romantic partner. I was unable to make him understand my position, but he kept saying "I'm not indifferent!".

I left the breakfast feeling energized. I didn't do any work all day, but I cleaned the house. I was allocating myself a weekend of recuperation.

Later that night (last night -- sunday november 9th, 2008), we began chatting on gchat. I said I was working on clarifying my 'contemporary woman's plight' argument. We started talking about the difference between friends and lovers. He essentially said that for him, friendships are more valuable than romance. I say I can understand that. Additionally, I say, 'not being indifferent towards someone - that's the minimum requirement (to borrow G's words): there's a difference between 'not being indifferent' and actively loving someone". To which he responds: "For all that counts, I would consider that I'm actively loving you" (me thinking: whaa? uhhh.. gulp.. oh.. gee.. RESPOND!) I say: "I can say that I do in the same way but am I crazy for thinking that intimacy plays a part in this love business?" Then it becomes an issue of defining 'intimacy' I eventually spell it out: 'physical intimacy'. We talked about it. Our views are vastly different. I tried to understand his position, but felt like I was crossing into territory I wasn't meant to explore yet.

I apologized for insisting, he said 'you have nothing to apologize for' and 'stop being so scared of me' to which I responded: I'm less scared than before! He said, I guess.. except when it comes to 'issues'.

I've been feeling like I hold back many things from him. Sometimes what I want to say comes to the surface like a rush of anxiety. As we were saying bye I said: "I don't really want to say this, but I think I should say it because I don't want to say it" he says 'What?' I say: "sometimes I want to hug you, but I don't really, because I'm scared of touching people and being touched, but I feel like with friends I really care about, I hug them, or let them hug me.. so I'm confused and I didn't want to say it, but I did." 'You did' he says. Then we talk about the two or three hugs he's given me before. I explain that they weren't real because there was space between us (the hug gap) and he patted me on the back and besides, I was scared of being hugged by him. He asks why and I say : "I was scared I would shatter into a thousand pieces" to which he responds: "That would be terrible. I didn't know my hug could be so powerful." I joke about his arms of steel (because I always talk about my legs of steel).

He says 'thanks for sharing that with me'. I say 'It was scary, but I'm trying to be less scared.'

He says: "I'll hug you from behind one day, and see you turn to dust."

Poof (!)

I feel like our friendship is growing beautifully. He's so wonderful. I feel very much in love, but much more secure and much less neurotic. I don't know that things will change between us. But I am satisfied with the thought of having him around for the next 87 years.

I feel full.

L'Unique Boutique, Verdun

Two brown leather belts

One pair of grey Banana Republic pants

One oatmeal colored sweater

Two pairs of Christian Dior tights (one yellow and one black patterned)

One pair of imitation Ray Bans for 5 bucks

Friends are the best.

Feeling much better.

Oh Morning..

I should probably have waited until demain matin to write this, but I found the perfect image for the post, had a little talk with Jl, and it pepped me up.

Today's rendez-vous. I arrived about 7 minutes early. Not wanting to be the first one there, I went to the library to check my emails. Since the night before, I had been having these thoughts, worries about this meeting. I kept thinking he would send me an email to cancel. It made me think of the second rendez-vous I was supposed to have with Mtt: the time he called me 30 minutes before, to cancel.

So I checked my email. Nothing. Okay. I go to the gallery, which was closed. I wait. I walk. I pace. I look at the time.. it's roughly 11 minutes past 11. I decide there must have been a misunderstanding. I go to the other gallery mentioned in our email exchange. Nothing. I call Vnss. 'When do you know when you've been stood up?' She kindly reassures me there's no worry, people are late, it happens. I wait.

My phone indicates 27 minutes. I call back. Sbn (Vnss's amiga) answers. Again, reassures me, things will be fine. It's the city, things are crazy. But, maybe I should consider calling him. I go back to the other gallery and ask: 'has a tall dark haired boy with a messenger bag been here?' Apparently not.

Call back. Ask if they can check my facebook for his number. I decide to text him. Voice to voice is too intense -- I give everything away. My text: 'Hey! Tu m'as oublié ou quoi?' I'm walking into the elevator when I see my phone ring; it's his number. I answer, but am cut off by the elevator's lack of reception. I got to a chair and sit. I receive a text: 'Shit. Be there in twenty" to which I reply: "I'll be in the cda lab, aight?' he texts: 'K'.

I decide to be productive. I found a good book on my Sternberg paper topic. Vnss calls me. She near my building with brownies. She says she's coming to see me with Sbn. I say ok. We meet on the fifth floor. As we're discussing various brownie textures, Nantucket arrives. I felt strange. He didn't really look at me.

Everyone was introduced. We talked about brownies and chicken, then proceeded to the elevators. He seemed confused and scattered. 'Is this a group thing?' he asked, which was funny.

We went our separate ways, he was still confused. He decided he was hungry, and suggested Kaffeine, but changed his mind and settled on Burritoville. Either one was fine by me. I was distracted.

We sat down. He ate a meal. I ate soup. We talked about his studies, his recent crisis (to school, or not to school? Montreal or USA? Computer science or Liberal Arts?), we talked about film studies and libraries. The changing nature of information. The book he was reading. Australia. Graduate school. Research. I kept bringing things back to film, or filmic examples. I felt like I wasn't being myself. I think in films a lot, but not to the extent that I was making myself seem.

Towards the end, I was noticing him yawn (two or three times), and that was making me uncomfortable, and want to leave. I was also thinking: 'dude, you wasted an hour of my time, I better not be late for work because of you..' I checked my clock, and the time was up. I said: 'oh I have to go' and we picked up our stuff and left.

He walked me to my bike. I forget what we were talking about.. at some point he said: 'we should do this again sometime' which made me extremely angry. I said: 'ok' while looking at my shoes. I was angry because I felt like he was saying this out of duty. He had just spent an hour talking to me about how behind he is in his schoolwork, how he's a 'one or two person guy' and forgot me for crying out loud. I felt like that was the thing people said at the end of such encounters, and I felt angry that he fell into that cliché. If he really wanted to do it, he should have said: 'we should go see the Tim Clark exhibit sometime' or something concrete.

What got to me the most was the fact that he forgot. This may be a pity party, but all I can do is say (honestly) what was going through my head at the time.

'You leave no impressions on people.'

'You are forgettable.'
'Why do you bother?'

'You not worth being around'

Along with these were thoughts like: you're not interesting enough, you'll be alone forever because you don't try hard enough, you're too picky, you're worthless, you don't deserve anybody.. I can't handle this right now.

The thing is, I honestly did not go into this situation with my (default) high expectations. I was totally fine. But having half an hour to pace around and have my time wasted.. I don't know what happened to me.

I feel completely ridiculous.

I spoke about this briefly with Vncnt. I told him I got half stood up by someone (who remained nameless). He said he was sorry my day sucked. He asked me who was my date? I said 'someone I met once, had some email exchange with... nobody really. I don't really know why we're meeting' to which he responded: 'maybe that's at the heart of the meeting thing'. I say : 'what do you mean?', he says: 'well if there was no purpose to your meeting! :D' to which I respond: 'that's a very logical way of looking at it'.

Mchl, Gnvr and Vnss were more encouraging. Although I suppose Vncnt was too, in his own way.

What i'm thinking is: This was my attempt at breaking away from Vncnt. Trying to get out there, in the world, making new friends. Look how that ended up. Nobody wants me. Vncnt just wants me around. I don't matter enough to be loved.

Confession: This whole situation, and the last two weeks have more to do with my dad than anyone else.

I just want to be alone. I've got to decide to get out of this state-of-mind. I'm going to decide.. Tomorrow morning.

Take One

I've been thinking about this post for the last few hours. I'm too tired and dizzy to think about it any more.

Maybe I'm dehydrated.

To bed.

Rendez-Vous

with Nantucket in 36 minutes. I'm wearing my Kate Moss dress as a skirt, purple tights and a black sweater. Soft.

I've got to work at two.

I'm feeling, nervous, un peu.. but pretty indifferent overall.

But not indifferent enough to not care what my hair looks like.

I'm off!

The End of the Affair

That is a wonderful book. It makes me think of conversations I've had with Vncnt, but mostly conversations I've had in my head.

I've set up a meeting with Nantucket. This Friday, 11am, at the Fofa Gallery. I think i'll keep it brief (30-40 minutes). I don't feel like getting into cliché chit-chat.

In other news, I feel full of love.

(See Vnss's recent post including something about the next '10 or 15 meetings' -- this makes me very happy, even though it's probably as likely to happen as me making a move on the object of my affection).

I remember a while ago

Vnss sent me flowers after my confession to V. That was really heartwarming.

We had a Halloween supper friday night. Vnss, Vncnt, Mchl, Gnvr, Lv and myself. I'm enjoying being put in new situations with new people. Lv was great. I was surprised. I expected to feel more awkward.. but, it was good. He's a good blender -- he just blends in.

It felt wonderful to have Vncnt there, I touched him a few times. Shoulder, arm, shoulder, hair. He's into giving me hugs lately. It's a bit strange. Good! but strange because when he hugs me, he leaves space between us. I'm working on closing this gap.

In other news, I sent a msg. to Nantucket. Making a special request for a particular photograph of his. I said something like: I'll compensate with coffee or tea. Anyway, he said: "Pick a time Thursday or Friday and make me stick to it. Blah blah I'm in a "I don't have time for anything" state of mind." BUT he is fitting me in. Although, honestly, I don't actually feel like seeing him or anyone at the moment.. this is due to stress more than anything else.

I watched Sex and the City: The Movie. Good. Good. Great! I took the night off tonight. From what? Who knows (probably from my neuroticism), but tomorrow it's serious work time.

Hug You Hug Me

Today was one of those 'Ouff' days. 'Ouff' I've got a lot of work to do. 'Ouff' I feel tired. 'Ouff' putting this off is only making it worst.

I'm lacking the right word, but I declared today a pity day. I felt dumb. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I wouldn't be able to get my act together and pull some solid work out of myself. Compounded by the fact that I have no theses for my 3 upcoming projects, I see stress beginning to rear its ugly head.

I'm considering skipping a class or two. Today would have been the day to do it, but I couldn't bring myself to. I was on g-chat at some point, and Vncnt was too. He said 'hey' and asked how I was. I related to him the second paragraph of this post and his response surprised me. It was sweet encouragement: "pobre tita" which translates to "pauvre petite (in a sympathic manner)". I was surprised. It was the gchat equivalent of a hug (in the world of Adl).

He is (more and more) becoming an Adl kind of friend, meaning, details, details, details. The kind who explains why they called you back late, or who gives me the rundown of their whole day (including times, people and places). I become an open book with friends, and often expect the same. Details are crucial for me. They are often the only way I can really understand what they're telling me.

He said he had fencing practice, but that we could bike home together after my class. Those (biking home together) are the things I do with friends. I think he may have found them silly before, but he seems to be opening up to these small gestures now.

He's being really nice. I mean, as we were biking up he asked: "How did your day end up?" I said: 'Better" to which he responded, "good." I'm watching him growing into a beautiful friend.

I feel really good about this situation. I've let go of so much of my neuroses about this. When we hang out and have fun, I usually leave the situation thinking: 'Gee, that was fun!' and 'I wish I could tell you I love you, but it's okay that I can't, right now.' I was thinking about asking him if it would be okay to hug him sometimes.

I'm trying to force myself to connect with people. I don't touch people. Ever. The only person who touches me (hugs and stuff) regularly is Vnss. It's so nice to hug people. Hugging Jl's friend Nk after our first meeting was the best thing I could have ever done. Because I meant it. I shouldn't be afraid of meaningful hugs.

I'm really scared about this hugging thing. This probably scares me more than anything else right now..

Adèle, age 6

I always thought I grew up too fast. I was told I was an old soul at a young age, or at least, a cynical soul and cynicism is seldom associated with children (even though it seems to be more commonly said in sitcoms -- Arrested Development, Maebe?).

Why is it that with certain people or in certain situations we find ourselves thrown back into childlike emotions?

I’m referring to a specific Port incident: illegally consumed by Sm, Vncnt and myself on a faithful Friday night. It belonged to Jcq. I’m not one to tamper with the goods of my fellow roommates, but for some reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time. (I should say, we had about 2 oz. each)

When I came home late from school and got the cold shoulder (for no apparent reason), I began wondering what was up. Then Sm told me he told Jcq, I felt the pangs of guilt. Not because it was consumed by me or Sm, but because now he knew Vncnt was in on the action.

The cowardly thing to do was to avoid the situation. I wasn’t there – as far as I knew, nothing had been said, nobody knew anything. But then I thought: ‘What’s the mature way of dealing with this?’ Answer: straight on.

I went up to Jcq in his room. Said: “Jcq.. sorry we drank some of your Port the other night... I’ll get you some more. It wasn’t my idea but.. I participated in it.” He said: “It’s.. okay...” then I said: “well.. okay.. but, I know you always say that to people but you stay mad at them..” To which he responded how he didn’t like us eating his fancy stuff, and we could have just called him to ask instead. A reasonable response.

The thing was. When I went up to him, and the few minutes leading up to it. I felt shame. The shame of a child. The word that came to mind was: orgueilleuse. But then I really put my finger on it when I read: honte. I had that twisted stomach feeling. And for what? Nothing important (in the grand scheme of things).

I was disappointed that it was so hard for me (still) to apologize for things done wrong. I was surprised at how my instinct was to revert to a childlike cowardess. The worst is blaming someone else. I did that a little bit: I turned my (semi-) anger towards Sm. “WHY did you do that!!??”, I said to him. I shouldn’t have.

It’s strange how I need to remind myself to take responsibility for my actions or my words. One of my worst fears is to be(come) a coward.

I'm So Hungry I Could Die

Mighty Mchl's presence prompted a supper at Vncnt's last night. It was really, really fun. Comfortable and light.

I've been feeling like this most of the time I spend with V lately. Much of my fear has faded, which means, I can function as my normal self with him now.

I felt like I could listen to Mchl, Gnvr and Vncnt talk and laugh all night. Agns' call made it even better. It reminded me of the summer...

"That Guy? -- He's Not My Boyfriend"

I think I have reached a zen state (vis à vis V) that has yet to be paralleled.




Okay okay... this is the story: Last night he and I went to a party of one of Vnss's friends from school. It was a 'The Office' themed party. At first I hesitated, but then thought, why not?! There should be lots of cuties there.

I had already made plans to make supper for Vncnt (it turned out sub-par) but then I thought 'Hey, why not invite him, and see what happens'. So I did, and he (suprisingly) agreed. I got in my pretty BR dress with heels! I was lookin' pretty cute, so there was no way I could feel bad. V raced to his house to change into his suit and bowtie (so cute), and we walked over. It was really nice walking around with him like that.. having people think we're a couple.

We get to the party, go in and start mingling (mostly with Vnss, but whatever, it stills counts). I felt fine.. calm for some reason.. he seemed calm too. So we chatted with some percussionists, I talked with Vnss's friend and we all had a jolly time.

Towards the end of the night (we probably spent about an hour there), Vncnt was itching to leave. He came over to the couch and sat beside me after we moved over to make space. It was really nice.. just to be next to him. At some point he had his arm behind me. Not on me or anything, but just behind.. (I realized later this was definetly to be sitting more comfortably but still!)..

At some point, Vnss's friend said something to me like: "Is your boyfriend is library science?" and I said: "Who? That guy?! He's not my boyfriend.. hehe although, I love him.. but.. he doesn't love me back.. so here we are!" I found it really humorous. It felt like I was someone else. Someone with confidence.

It was a lovely party, but I'm glad we left when we did. We walked home. I was feeling really romantic. The only thing missing was hand-holding. But it's okay.

Most of the time, lately, I really feel like he wants to be in a relationship. But he doesn't want to say it out loud or something. I feel good about the time we spend together. It doesn't sting as much as before. I feel like I'm not afraid of saying anything anymore.

I know I'm biased, but, he's actually being really wonderful lately. He gives me compliments frequently, he makes me feel like I am important in his life, he listens more and asks questions.. It's nice.

I still feel like I'm at this place now where I want to share. I know that right now he can't in the ways that I need him to. I've still got my eyes open. In fact, I'm planning on checking out two guys from my classes at the CSA party. I've decided that it's okay if I randomly interact with people. So I'll try.

I've been craving.. a winter coat.. and a comfy bed (see above).