Theory = Proven

Too many blogolicious things happened today.

1. You know how life is a little funny and a little unfair? Well, today, I just participated in proving something about life: When a girl is taken and happy, all her ex-prospects pop up again, unexpectedly.

Case and point: Mtt Brtt. A guy I went on 1.5 dates with, and who promptly blew me off with neither style, nor class. I pined and sighed over him for a number of months; regretting my eagerness, regretting who I was a little bit. I reacted this way because, I didn't see him coming, and I wasn't prepared for his reaction to me. The thing that got me out of that funk was Vncnt.

Today while I was at the 15 minute computers going to print something, I spot him from the corner of my eye while going in his direction. I avoided eye contact, fumbled with my scarf to make it less obvious that I was trying to avoid him, but eventually, he blocked my path, and forced conversation. I was a little uncomfortable. I didn't feel like talking to him at all. I didn't feel like updating him on life, recommending good movies, asking what he was up to. I sort of did, but he pretty much has to rip it out of me. I felt aloof, but annoyed. All I wanted to do was brush him off.

It's funny. I left the conversation ("Yeah, I'm sure we'll bump into each other again!") called Vnss. I felt so relieved nothing developed with this guy. What a square! and not in an interesting way.

Later in the day I went to my class. P was working with his editor so we met up there. Although I didn't really express it, I was really happy to see him (I get so serious in class). He scratched my leg, I smiled and scratched his arm. During the movie (Tarkovsky's Stalker) he took my hand. I like how he likes hands. I gave him some chocolates, he gave me some fruit, all I wanted to do was hug him.

He has begun introducing me to his friends. Today, he introduced me to Mxm and Stphn (the nice guy from a previous post). I felt a little awkward, but good too. His friends seem really nice, smart and interesting. I am sort of continually shocked, amazed and delighted that I am 'with', 'next to', 'around', 'seen with' P. It feels like magic.

We left class with his friends, Mxm and Stphn. When we got to the metro, he went to his bus and Mxm and I went to the metro. I was like 'eeeee' in my head, 'oh no! I have to make conversation', but I did. It was relatively smooth, I guess. When we were waiting for the metro, who shows up but none other than Ex-Prospect-of-Late-2008: Nantucket. He taps my shoulder while I'm not looking, and I turn around and do the same. I introduce the boys to each other and we hop on the metro. (I know I'm getting off in two stops, so I'm not super concerned about making conversation -- I could deal with standing around quietly/awkwardly in the metro with these two guys) We talk about this thing at school, Hexagram, because there's an add for it. We make jokes and laugh, and then Nantucket tells me he's editing a picture of me and Mchl (I asked him for a copy) for a grant application. Then we get to my stop and I say: "this is me, see ya" and hop off.

I felt funny and good about leaving these two interesting strangers together for the remainder of their metro ride.

I get home, go on g-chat and this is how it went down. (I post this conversation because it's one of the sweetest I've ever had. Furthermore, I'm trying to stop only talking/posting about negative things to reduce my negative thoughts/energy.)

A little dilemma: What is an acceptable term of endearment for a guy? Is it too early for that? As you'll notice, he says nice things like: 'ma belle' and 'ma chère' which I find totally acceptable. I called him Sweet P once, because his name is P, and I called him 'P' once. But suddenly I feel like Sweet P is too much. I think I will come back to that one, because that's the one I conjured up instinctively, but I'm open to suggestions.

It's Wednesday!

Time flies regardless of whether or not one is having fun.

Gee -- that's seems like a pessimistic (if only ambiguously) start to a post. This one will be optimistic!

I bought 60$ worth of awesome cinema books (3 on Canadian cinema, 1 on French new wave). It felt good to buy something useful. Speaking of useful, I've started using my agenda a lot. I used to use agendas religiously before, then I switched to notebooks, now I'm back on agendas. It's so cute and green and awesome.

Anyway, that's weird stuff to talk about.

I spoke to the head of archives at Concordia about graduate programs in film archiving and preservation. Her info was very useful, but also pretty discouraging (ie. school is expensive, jobs are hard to come by). I think it's up to me to decide how discouraging it is though. Maybe I'll stick around Mtl. for my MA after all. I will cross that bridge when I get to it though, no use stressing now.

Had a little meltdown in front of Vncnt today. Sm and I found a roommate, thereby terminating the possibility of Vncnt moving in. I felt bad about the whole thing, but I just wanted this thing to be over with. I didn't want anyone to be mad. I ended up feeling like I betrayed him somehow, and I felt cold and awkward with him this morning. He picked up on it right away, probed a little bit, I teared up, he said I had nothing to be sorry about, I said I knew but would go on feeling sorry for a little while. He changed the subject, and ended up making me feel better.

It's funny how much trouble I have being and behaving like an adult, which to me means confronting things straightforwardly and honestly. I always feel like I'm regressing when I find myself in these stressful situations. I push the panic button (as my mother would say) too quickly. It drives me crazy in my head, but in a way, I let myself be driven crazy.

I feel like I've lost a little bit of my post-holiday zen-ness. I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been exercising, I post less, I schoolwork less, I don't know what my problem is. I just have to DO IT!

Like right now: less internet, more paper (ie. reading).

Cuba in 2.5 weeks. Awesomeness!

Hearts Aflutter

I went to P's last night after work. He called me during the day because he was bored at work. I don't know why, but that made me feel really good. I'm a phone person, and I like people who like to talk on the phone. It redeemed him for the not-answering-the-g-chat-hello -- Not that he needed to be redeemed, but I needed some sort of confirmation of interest for myself.

I need to get off the drama! I'm pretty sure he likes me, and that should be enough. Agns told me: 'You were happy before you met him, you can still be happy now'. I think she's right. I had reached a level of independent happyness that was healthy and I'm strong enough to maintain that now.

Mostly, I think it was the roommate situation that tipped me overboard a little bit. It's a temporary, and/but unecessary stress. It put everything out of perspective. I feel better about it now. I found out about this side of myself that, when in highly stressful situations, shuts down, becomes very secrety, and doesn't like to discuss things. I talked about it with Vnss. Her non-judgemental attitude about my behavior made me think it was possible to change it. I'm on my way to fixing it.

In other news, my brain is still fuzzy due to inactivity. I realized I haven't been very stressed this semester, and it's because I don't let my schoolwork penetrate me so as to avoid feeling stressed about it. It also makes for boring essays.

I wish I was able to communicate my ideas on film with people at school. I tried introducing Brakhage to P, but I don't think I was very convincing. I kind of like that he knows a lot about film. I'm not sure if he knows more than I do, or he just knows different stuff than I do (I'm leaning towards this possibility), but I like feeling his intelligence.

We had supper with his roommate Jrdn, who is very nice, charming, calm, studious and likes classical music (!). It was such great fun being with them. You feel their bond so strongly. P was playing songs (Simon and Garfunkle, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Flight of the Concords) in the kitchen while I was doing the dishes and when he couldn't remember the lyrics, Jrdn would pick up where he left off. He was standing in the other room though, which was funny from my perspective, because they could see each other, but I could only see Jrdn's feet. It was really fun. I felt like having him around.

I really like how I've transitionned from a strictly one-on-one gal to a the-more-the-merrier gal. I feel that it's a big step in my development as a mature/secure person.

So we watched Brakhage, played Super Nintendo, watched one of his early films (a melodrama) which was really funny. I never knew melodramas were funny. This morning I had the best cantaloupe I've had in many months, orange juice, cereal, and half an english muffin with Nutella.

He's so great to be with. It continually amazes me. For example, he touched my hand at the dinner table even though Jrdn was there. Sometimes, guys don't do sweet stuff in front of their friends. I liked that he did that.

Then today after my Film History class, I was waiting for Sm to come so we could go eat and I saw P from a distance in the Library Building Atrium setting up the sound for a photo installation. He waved at me, and I shot him a fake gun. When Sm got there he came up to test the mic and said hello. He was so cute. I really liked seeing him at school. It made me feel like our worlds were close.

I just thought of something: am I rambling aimlessly about all the cute/good things he does/happen? Gee -- that could be boring.

I would go into detail about sexy stuff, but I feel like that's crossing some sort of line.. I'm going to have to consult the jury on that one.

Last corny thing: I can't wait to get to that part where the possibility of saying I L Y makes you all nervous inside. It might be too early to say, but I feel like it is a possibility.

Cuteness.

Real Love.

Sleep + Excercise + Eat Well + Do your work + Let go of stress.

Be happy + Thank friends for always being there.

Follow-Up

I feel like that previous post gives me little room for my usual posts, because anything other than a post exalting good feelings and love and hugs and kisses will seem like a major downer next to it.

I'll have to put juxtaposition rules to the side in this case, because I feel sort of like a major downer. Firstly, because of this discourageing roommate search.. Secondly, because P just snubbed? didn't notice? my 'hey!' to him on gchat. He was green, then he was yellow, then he was gone. His facebook was updated around the same time, so he couldn't have missed it.. but...

I'm trying to avoid being depressed and discouraged for fear that it will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's becoming increasingly difficult.

I guess its futile to list all the things that I'm disappointed about in myself. It's just negative energy. But fuck (!) I don't understand why I can't shake this off.

I just gotta shake it off. Sleep. Eat. Excercise and shake this feeling off.

JUST DO IT.
JUST DO IT.
JUST DO IT.
JUST DO IT.

A Few Reasons Why This is Something

You know how I'm always caught up on details? How I amplify them to super important life changing signals? I'm going to list all the details that, to me, make my relationship with P outta this world (or better yet totally of my world) because it continues to shock me in a good way. Here goes:

1. I spotted him in the library two years ago, and totally noticed him. He was reading the 7th edition of Bordwell/Thompson's Film Art and I thought to myself: "How cool would it be to study film?" (because at this time I was still studying English). Over the next two years I would see him sporadically at school, 2 times I remember specifically, including one time this year when I walked behind him in the EV building.

2. He's in my Film Directors class. I was shocked and delighted to see him there, so I would sit in front of him and his friends, or behind them. I would listen in whenever he would talk, which wasn't often. He sat next to me once, I noticed he wasn't really taking notes and checked his phone at some point. I was sort of irritated, but mostly, I was sad when he didn't come back after the break.

3. Saw him at the first CSA party. Did some mildly stalker-y research and went to the third CSA party precisely because he was going. (See post to know how that turned out.)

4. At the CSA party, I told him I spotted him two years ago and he didn't go running for the hills. I didn't tell him about the stalker-y research, but who needs to know?

5. Our first date he brought me to a super awesome art show that was totally my taste. When we went to the coffee shop after, he wanted hot chocolate when I wanted hot chocolate.

6. He responds to my weird nicknames. I've called him 'bub' a few times, and he has called me 'bub' a few times.

7. He does instant research (like I do) on things we g-chat about: I mentioned a film (Nobody Waved Goodbye) and he found the whole thing online!

8. He makes funny sounds (like I do) online and in person: meep moop, blee blohblah, etc.

9. I ask his questions and he asks my questions before we ask them.

10. He said: 'later gator' which I say all the time, and have for years.

11. He called me 'silly goose' which Irn calls me at work.

12. He's sweet and didn't react weirdly to my weird 'I-feel-bad-about-not-sitting-with-his-friends' thing.

13. The day we were going to have the picnic we were talking on the phone and he was saying he was talking to someone about places to eat or go or something and he said we should go to the 11th floor of the EV building, and that's where I was thinking of going!

14. Tonight before our class we were going to hang out, he called me from a café, none other than Presse Café on St-Cat, the café I was thinking of inviting him to, and the café I used to go to everyday last year.

That's it for now, but geez, being with him is a little intense.. in a good way. That being said, I have a sort of funny story, which i hesitate to post, fearing that he will ever see this blog.. but whatever.

So we get to class, we sit together one seat away from one of his friends (I was glad, it was one of his friends who looked really nice). During the movie I smelled an orange being peeled. I was like 'Dammit.. I wish I had an orange' a few minutes later, P nudges my hand. I smile and peek at him through the corner of my eye. He nudges again, I go to take his hand, and feel a soft thing in his fingers, an orange! It was so sweet (his gesture and the orange). This wasn't enough to curb my appetite though.. then I started thinking, 'I wonder if he's going to invite me to his house after class?' then I thought, 'man... I could really go for some big mac right now'. For the rest of the film, my thoughts oscillated between 'wow! The Mirror is awesome!' and 'Oh geez.. I really want a big mac'.

I'm a little bit embarrassed about my love of big macs, so inviting him to come with me was not really an option.

Then we walk to the metro and I'm like 'So...' and he's like 'so...' and I say 'So.. I'll see you Sunday' and he said 'Sunday. Yeah' -- I invited him to Phl's jazz show sunday.

There was a weird moment when his friends walked by, in three separate groups. They all said 'byyyye Pppp' like 'oooh he's talking to a giiiirl' or something. I have mixed feelings about this position I'm currently occupying: the gf nobody knows. Am I really his gf then? Anyway, this is a whole other post in and of itself.

We said bye and I slowly walked down the stairs as he crossed the room to go catch his bus. I went into the metro, stood around for about 20 seconds, then slowly walked up the stairs again, and sneaked off to McDnld's. I felt like I was in a movie. I was afraid I would turn a corner and he would be there, or his friends would see me and tell him or something. It was pretty funny in my head.

I find it weird to say this about P, because I feel like he's more honestly unique than any guy I've met in a long time, but... he's totally LIKE me(!) which suits me, because I'm so narcissistic.

En Route

I found this in Blogsville:



You know me so well. :)

Sealing my Fate

I woke up this morning at 9.05. Aquafit starts at 9.00. I've shown up late before, it's not a big deal. I don't understand why I am unable to get my ass out of bed to go do some fun excercise when I know not doing it will just discourage me and make me feel guilty.

Before (upon my return from the Maritimes), I was sleeping so well. I decided to take the pressure out of waking up and falling asleep by not using an alarm (except when really needed). Last night and the few nights before I did not sleep well, and woke up tired. Compounded by the fact that now I have these walking commitments with Vncnt -- I feel like the pressure's back. Don't get me wrong, these are some of the nicest, more honest moments I've had with Vncnt since the beginning of our friendship. But knowing that I have to be somewhere at a specific time is jumbling my sleep. I may have to bring this up.

Right now, I'm watching this animated video on the the history of the internet. Interesting.

Oh Mediocrity...

I've been feeling like my brain has stopped thinking. Like its elasticity is gone and all that's left are the same thoughts being repeated and going nowhere. I feel en route for Mediocrityville and will be setting up shop any day now. I also feel like the more I repeat that, the more true it becomes. Sm suggested I've become too specialized, doing and thinking about nothing but film, and in a way I think he's right. I'm not sure if it's a symptom of my lazyness, or the lack of awesome stuff going on around school (see Remedios Terrarium from last winter). Another part of my brain thinks: "well Adl, you should MAKE things happen" and that's where the conversation ends. I've some ideas kicking around and I'm too scared to do anything with them.

I went to Vncnt's place the other day for breakfast before walking to school. We talked about these things, mediocrity, school and fear of rejection. He said he did things because he thought he might get rejected, learned a lot in the process or got accepted. He gave me a bug that made me want to try something, something I would surely get rejected from. I decided my project would be to find a cinema-related job. I have yet to attempt it, because I'm a little distracted with school.. (whoa whoa whoa.. Excuses Alert! -- I'm making excuses.. damn me!)

Anyway, today when I was picking up books from the library at school, the librarian smiled at me when he looked at my books: Films and Dreams: Tarkovsky, Bergman, Sokurov, Kubrick and Wong Kar-Wai and Deleuze and The Schizoanalysis of Cinema. I wonder what he was thinking. In that very instant I wondered: "Could I be happy being a regular librarian (checking out books, glancing at titles and smiling at students) and designing book covers on the side?" In my head, I felt like throwing everything away. I also feel like I'm in serious need of some career advising and mentoring (that being said, I just sent an email to the Head Archivist of Concordia who agreed to give me some graduate studies advice).

I need a new motto. I need motivation. I need to stop being discouraged. I remember during the xmas break I was watching Oprah (we only have four channels!), there was this guy who came from a poor, broken family and he worked his way into Harvard and lived his dream of being a pro-NFL-er. As cheesy as Oprah is, this guy had a good motto, it was: "Let no one out work you today." Maybe that'll be my new motto. It used to be (without me knowing it was -- oh first year ambition, where did you go?)

I think I'm waiting for something to go wrong.

Everything is going great with P. He continues to be sweet and interesting. He came over to our house for supper this weekend. It was really nice to have him there with Sm and an old high school friend. I would have liked to have Jcq around a little more, but hey, what can you do? P slept in my tiny bed. It's so tiny. I was worried he wouldn't sleep. I didn't ask if he did or not, but he sent me an email today saying how I was warm and comfortable and he didn't want to leave but had to.

I haven't been swimming lately, so I don't feel awesome. I am the only one with the power to do anything about that, I'm not sure why I don't. Tomorrow, I'm gong to Aquafit, no matter what.

I've been biting my nails again... stress is starting to rear its ugly head. I need to keep my sense of perspective, not let it get clouded by worry, which at the moment, it is.

A Friend Who Is A Boy

He called himself my boyfriend! He's my boyfriend! I have a boyfriend!

(Sidenote: The conversation was, him: 'tell your landlord to fix your heating, or your boyfriend will beat him up.' I made a stupid remark about it, I said: 'my... boyfriend? Did you just call yourself my boyfriend?' then he said: 'uhoh... Your friend who is a boy?' I said: 'my man-friend?' he replied, 'My man-friend will beat you up?' I said: 'well.. you raise a valid point. Boyfriend is better.' and then I said goodnight.)

(I won't dwell on this lack of smoothness on my part. The bottom line is: I think he's my boyfriend).

(Sidenote: I'm not sure what boyfriend means.. but whatever it means, it's means something super respectful and positive.)

Mini Curve-ball

So far, I've been calm like a cucumber. The past few days have been throwing me some mini-curve balls.

First, a few days ago, chatting with Vncnt. We're discussing the possibility of him moving in because the others are moving out. (I should have known better than to entertain this idea, because his behavior matched my expectations.) Then he starts with this: 'hypothetically, how would you react if I brought a girl home?', 'you don't think my presence will be hard on you?', 'you feel confident you won't return to your previous sentiments?' etc. I assure him several times, that I understand and appreciate our current situation (platonic friendship) and that I don't forsee that changing in the near future. Then the 'even if, hypothetically, I decided to come back on this decision, you would have the firmness to maintain it?' comes out. I stay cool as a cucumber in the moment and throw him a 'yes, besides, we could never work as a romantic unit'. then he proceeds to back out of the moving thing and the conversations pretty much ends there.

In the moment I was fine, but now, I'm sort of pissed off. His immaturity is astounding. The moment his ego is bruised, he turns around and backs out of plans HE initiated. He starts this stupid game of push and pull and it's just because he needs drama around him or something.

Anyway, I shouldn't even let this get under my skin. That's precisely what he intended to do (albeit, unconsciously). I won't give it another thought, because it's just bringing me down.

In other news, I had the picnic with P. It was very quiet and calm. I felt nervous he wouldn't like what I made, but he said he did, so I guess I passed the cooking test. We were somewhat affectionate, which is nice, but I felt weird a little bit. We went to class (I still feel awkward about him sitting with me. I want him to sit with his friends, but I don't know how to say so... It's just awkward for me, I feel like I'm stealing him away from them.) and sat together. He touched my hand, knee, back a few times and I did the same.

I mean, I sort of expected I would go over to his place after class, but when he told me about his last two days, it became clear that he was tired, and would continue to be ridiculously busy for the next week. The whole movie all I can think about is sleeping with him, waking up with him, his bed, his hair, whatever. Then on our way towards our respective transit methods I say: 'So what are we doing?' and he moves back and forth and replies 'well... I need to sleep' and I say 'yes you do' (because, he really does). He kisses me, and I tell him to scuttle off. Then I can't help but feel a little disappointed that he didn't invite me over. I have a little bit of paranoia now, sort of, me waiting for something to go wrong, but I think I'm reading too much into it.

I came home a little stressed and disappointed. I saw that P was on gchat. I wanted to talk to him, about something and about nothing. I asked him what his middle name was because it's part of his g-address. He said it was Glls (if you can guess that). Then I told him: 'I have something weird to say and I don't want you to be offended' and he says 'go, shoot'. I tell him 'I feel bad that you don't sit with your friends in class anymore' he says: 'lol. I never sit with my friends' I say : 'yes you did!' and he says 'i like sitting with you...' 'me too! I say' and he replies 'don't feel bad, I should say 'hey guys, this is Adl, she is nice and sweet' but I suck at that, sorry'. I respond: 'I would burst into a million pieces if you did.. shyness kills'.

Then I tell him I'm thinking about doing this acting workshop with my Film Script prof to kick my shyness to the curb.

Then back to the friends conversation, he says 'I just say hi to them enthusiastically, it makes people feel good' then I say: 'ok, whatever you prefer, but I just had to say it.. these are the kinds of insignificant things I get a little stressed about' and he responded 'don't. just don't :)'

Gosh darnit. He is so sweet. He's like a fucking ray of sunshine.

"Having My Cake...

...and eating it too" as Vnss and Lv would say.

So far, everything with P has been going really well. He continues to surprise me in wonderful ways every time we see each other.

The issue with Vncnt has pretty much been resolved.. I guess. I don't think about it too much, which is probably for the best, and we continue to see each other and chat. The only thing I'm worried about is neglecting him. My worry subsides when I remember that P's got a bunch of stuff going on in his life, so mine doesn't get boulversé completely. This juggling act worries me, but I'm also busy enough with school to not let it blow out of proportion.

So far, school is awesome. I got my Film History Take-Home exam back and I got an A on the part that mattered the most to me (the Brakhage bit). Now when I introduce Brakhage to P this weekend, I'll be confident in what I'm saying. My Chinese Cinema class with P. Rist will also be awesome. School is just awesome in general.

I'm having a picnic with P on wednesday before class. I was thinking about how often we should see each other in a week ie. what's an acceptable/realistic minimum, and now that I think about his and my schedule it seems we'll only be able to see each other twice per week (three at best) if he agrees. This seems good for me. I worry that things will get ruined if things go too fast. Right now I'm just enjoying getting to know him, I'm not ready to let the past and the future intrude on our present.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed when I'm tired, waking up when I'm not, and feeling good in general.

"Je t'embrasse, bonne nuit"

Holy crap. This guy's for real. This is gonna be real. Holy crap.

Never felt better (or calmer).

My Kind of Alphabet

Got in this morning and had a wonderful, funny, filling breakfast with Vncnt at Fig's.

I was trying to juggle seeing everyone and having meaningful encounters with these special people. I wasn't doing to well.. I thought I had to push P to Wednesday, but Vnss suggested he come to the movie with us. With us? What an idea! I called him back after a semi-awkward conversation (only awkward because I felt like I blew it a little bit) and he agreed to come.

We saw two features: The Reader -- Kate Winslet is hot; The Wrestler -- Marissa Tomei is hot; other than the lovely ladies, both these films were pretty mediocre. I've still got my fingers crossed that Revolution Road won't disappoint.

At some point while we were waiting for the film to start we were talking about P's classmates' films: narrative vs. experiemental. I asked if there were any really good experimental people in his classes (Stan Brakhage-esque) and he responded that he didn't know who SB was. After trying to catch my breath, he joked: "I don't know who SB is.. does that mean this thing is over?" Vnss brought this to my attention tonight.

We're in a 'thing'! I've never felt so good about a 'thing'. A thiing!

Good way to end the break, good way to start the new year.