Happy Birthdays

Wow. Something amazing has happened and I feel proud.

Last night we celebrated P's birthday with a BBQ and some friends at his place. I was responsible for bringing meat and making desert, so I brought Beef/Bison meat for burgers (delicious!) and made a chocolate loaf with a scoop of ice cream and a raspberry coulis for desert. The whole night was great. We blew huge balloons, I made him a pennant, the house felt festive and the vibe was light between everybody. Everything was great until the moment I started handing the prepared desert plates to everybody. P said something about the desert without thinking (he had had several drinks by that point) that I found very hurtful . It wasn't shouted across the room or anything, just loud enough that my ears picked it up and sent me from zero to one hundred on the angry-o-meter. I stuck a candle on his cake, lit it, and plopped his plate in front of him before bolting to the bathroom.

I got in there and I was fuming. I had to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes just to calm down. I felt like he just crapped on all the effort i put into the desert, the concept of the desert, the presentation and everything. I told myself to calm down and not ruin the party for everyone else. So I went back to the group, but I was cold towards P for a good while after that. We went into the living room and talked and played a game. Finally, with enough laughter my anger subsided.

I soon felt snugly and affectionate towards him. Rustling his hair as I passed by, stopping to give him kisses.

After the party when we were cleaning up the kitchen he asked me if I had fun, I replied 'yes... all the time, except the moment when you made me really really mad.' He stopped and looked at em while I explained that his comment really felt like he didn't appreciate what I did. He apologized and apologized and apologized.

What I like about this situation and what I find amazing is that I told him straight away what bothered me, and I didn't sugar coat it. Normally, I would have said things evasively, but this time I was even somewhat crude: 'I felt like you shit all over my effort!' I said. He got the point. I also really like that I didn't cry. Usually I would think about this, sit with it, analyse it, and get myself all worked up, resulting in a tearful confession. I said what I had to say, we talked, and I didn't feel the weight of my anger anymore. It was great to go through all those feelings and emotions and leave them behind.

I do understand though, that this question of sometimes feeling taken for granted is recurring recently. Don't get me wrong. P is always affectionnate, doing sweet things for me, sending me sweet emails, and being patient and caring. There is lots and lots of good. I just see a trend when it comes to social gatherings. Possibly because he feels out of his comfort zone.. who knows.

Lots of balloons!



Currently I'm obsessed with caribbean, calypso and any song with 'coconut' in it. Summer is here!

Baby Mania!

I've got babies on the brain and I don't like it!

(I blame Joanna )

Everything is Great!

How can that be? I'm not sure, but something in me feels really balanced.

As I typed this, I've just had a conversation with P that made me want to cry.

I told him randomly in a chat that I felt really balanced and that I want to try expressing when I feel balanced as much as when I feel confused. He responded positively. Then I asked him how he's feeling these days -- something I would have done with great hesitation and anxiety, if at all, in the times I felt less balanced vis-a-vis our relationship. He responded 'happy. toi?' and I responded by saying I feel like this:



and he responded with this:



he sent the image instantly, which leads me to believe he saved it somewhere, because he knows i like cute fox pictures.

Okay, okay, can the sentimentalism.

Things are great lately. Probably partly because I've been eating really well, sleeping well, working a lot -- ie. less money worries, making it a point to go outside, taking walks with P instead of sitting around. I've noticed walks are a great way to have a conversation. We chat during our walks, about things we might otherwise not discuss. Probably because walking just created the opportunity. I really like it.

I think I've been eating slightly less sugar (she says with two packages of Pepperidge Farms cookies on her bed), but I'm working on eating more veggies and fruit. It's easy to eat healthy when I make it a point to go to Jean-Talon. Going there makes me want to be so healthy.

In other news, I resolved my jealousy issue. I talked with my mom, she made me realise it was okay to feel what I was feeling, that I just had to go through it, and I did. I even went as far as talking to the person I was jealous of. I spilled my whole beans and left the conversation feeling much better about it; feeling like I had grown up, actually.

I feel sad Vnss is leaving, but I also feel happy that she's embarking on a new part of her life. Hanging around with her these last few weeks made me realise how much I miss her. All we did before was hang out like that : downtown, involving food, often films, and always walking. But Ottawa isn't far, so it'll be alright.

Right now, nothing much is bothering me, and that's a really good feeling. I feel really happy. C'est pas plus compliqué que ça!

Short Love Quotes

Something inside me is good. Calm.

Maybe it's my refocus on home-cooking, a few new articles of clothing, a new perspective? Either way, I've been feeling really good lately.

In an unrelated topic, P was telling me about his friend Smn last night. Smn and his recent but significant girlfriend have been having the usual long-distance relationship troubles. It's too bad it's happening so soon, they've only been together since the Olympics (where they sort of met). My instant reaction was 'P you got to tell them to chill out!' which is funny, because it's a very mellow reaction, especially for me. But we kept talking about it and P said 'I told him that the reason it works so well between us is because we're just relax about everything. We have our own lives, we do what we want, we see each other when we want, we call each other when we want and that's that' (or something along these lines) and what's interesting is that I agreed with him. These days, along with feelings of wanting to marry him, are thoughts that everything is great between us, and the pressure is off.

I like feeling this calm certainty. Or maybe it's not certainty, but it's being okay with the unknown. I feel really present these days.

And besides that, I'm really becoming obsessed with chairs these days... this one makes me swoon.



and this one

A few hours later...

a few things made me feel better:

1. mom
1 b. her fabulous advice
2. this cuteness
3. this reminder blog
4. eating Jamie Oliver's broccoli tagliatelle (a simpler version)

Jealous of Grace

I feel like i'm revisiting previous themes in this post. I've been feeling verrry out of sorts these last few days. Part of that is due to my bike having a flat, me trying to fix it to no avail (rusted wheel!) and needing to spend money to get it fixed. Being unable to fix it frustrates me, and not having a bike to get around with makes me feel weird and lost.

Another part of this is the resurgence of my jealousy, something I'm not proud of at all and ultimately only eats away at me inside. I know it's somehow related to my insecurity, but I have no idea how to begin tackling this beast.

I'm jealous of some people around me. I'm jealous of people who get recognition for things they do (or that they did with me). I'm disappointed that nothing I did this year got recognition.

I'm beating myself up even more for feeling all these things, which I shouldn't.. but somehow I can't help it.



I don't know what to do with myself.

Crazy Thoughts

I have to write these down to get them out of my head!

I've been having these scenarios in my mind, what P and I's life would be like if we spent it together. About wanting to get married. About having kids. I feel really happy when I think about this stuff. I also imagine little (big) things like 'oh maybe P is so nice and patient when I'm having my random existential crises because he wants to be with me forever too!' All my design blogs aren't helping either... all they make me want to do it settle down.

Weird and crazy thoughts. They scare me a little. They are evidence of how invested I'm willing to be in this thing.. I wonder until what point..

I'm also very much aware of the fact that sometimes people break up after years of being together.. and that that could happen to us. But I hope it doesn't.

So Many Possibilities!

I'm excited! I'm geeky! I love it!

I'm super pumped to be doing this journal for Vnss's work. I watched Indesign tutorials today! It was great!

Weeeee!

Montreal Toronto and Back

I've spent the last few days thinking about this toronto-montreal question. The fact that I felt so urgently that I needed to find a way to get to toronto made me begin rethinking that urgency. I found myself thinking 'But if I stay in Montreal, it'll be two more years of this?!' That thought scared me, and made me feel like an asshole. Two more years of what? Awesome friends? Awesome boyfriend? Nice apartment? Reasonable rent? Good job? Good food? Familiarity? What was going on inside my head that made me sweep all that under the 'Toronto Rules' rug?!

Talking to everyone has made me know and feel all the great things I have around me. I don't feel desperate. The desperation I had related to the program has also dissipated. I check course by course what Toronto had vs. what McGill has, and come to find out, they are worded differently, but they are quite similar. I'm still worried that somehow I will miss opportunities by not going to Toronto (job-wise, or connection-wise), but I also think that it's important for me to consider where I want to live and make my life. I'm pretty sure it's not Toronto. Besides, I was thinking it could be cool to go there for a class or two, a workshop or two at some point in the next two years. I could create a link that way.

Another major factor influencing my decision is the fact that by saving all this money, I can have the flexibility to travel a little bit, save money to pay my debt, but more importantly, this money would alleviate some of the urgency I could feel after I graduate. The urgency to take a job, any job, to make my payments could trap me in something bad.

I do have a fear that staying here somehow means stagnating, but i'm not sure that's a fear I should indulge in.

I'm still on the fence. (Feedback from the peanut gallery would be appreciated)