I'm beginning to feel my brain space open up, lighten up, and be more like it was in Cuba.
I'm too happy to post about anything that's not lame.
I'm thinking a lot about making a house one's own. Maybe building a shelf with my roommate. Simplifying. Living grounded, being grounded. We moved the furniture around in the living room and already it feels homey-er.
I just want to lie in bed and feel the breeze coming in from the window.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
"It's Real Love"
Last night was the Film Prod III class screening. P and L's films were playing. P called me the night before asking if I wanted to meet him before or make plans or something. I was working on my last paper (finally -- it's over!) so the next day we didn't speak until he called me. He was saying how he was transferring his film and how it was taking longer than expected. He sounded nervous, but calm too. I said I would go ahead and save him a seat.
Sm came with me to the screening. We sat down and settled in for the first 2/3 of the screening. The schedule for the evening was : everyone else's films / entr'acte / L's film / P's film / Ann's film (a nice girl I met a the film people party). Almost all the films were great. As the films went on, people started wondering where P was. people were asking me where he was, it was really funny and strange. At the entr'acte, I checked my phone and he had called. His film transfer was running late. The prof informed everyone there would be a switch in the order.
L's film was exceptional. It was exactly my kind of film. So beautiful and subtle, it was really impressive. After the last film P called me. He asked me to tell someone, so I told L. The prof told everyone it would be about a 15 minute wait. I felt so nervous and stressed for P, even though I knew everything would work out, and I sort of liked the drama and the anticipation that was being created. Most people stayed, which was probably largely due to L's shouting: "You should stay, it's a really great film". Finally he arrived, and then people swarmed around him at the back of the auditorium. I was sitting in the middle, hoping he would see me, but in the confusion (he told me later) he sat alone in the front.
The lights dimmed, and the film started. My muscles ached from being tense and nervous for him. As soon as it started, my mouth cracked into a huge smile and remained that way for the whole film. It was beautiful. For some reason the quality of his projection was significantly better than most of the other ones. The sound was great, the image was gorgeous, it was so fluid and seamless, I was in awe. I wished he was sitting next to me so I could squeeeze his hand.
The film ended and everyone got up and started congratulating him. I didn't know where he was sitting, so I couldn't go over and give him a hug, until I got to the back of the room, and saw that he was sitting at the front. I tried to make my way to the front, and eventually I did. Gave him a kiss and a hug, but was almost as quickly pushed to the side by crazy fans (by crazy fans, I mean nice, supportive film students). I hung around with Jrdn and Sm and Erc mostly, while P was getting showered with compliments. It was really nice to see. I felt really happy for him.
(Sidenote: as with the party, I knew this sort of thing would happen, him getting lauded and being chatty and our conversations being interrupted by people, and it doesn't bother me, i'm extremely happy for him. The only thing I was bothered by was when in the moments when we were together people would come and interrupt. That, I was not a huge fan of.. but anyway)
I had my paper to write, so I wasn't planning on going to the bar, even though I wanted to, because he seemed sort of flushed and excited but in a tired way. I wanted to be supportive, but he was also going with Jrdn and Erc, so I thought he could share the moment with them. I headed back to the library, got down to business (hoping I would write enough to justify going to the bar), and about an hour into it, P calls me. "Hey, were you sleeping?" he says, "No I'm still at school" I answer. "You're still at schooool? I'm standing in the spot were we met" he says. "Awwww that totally justifies me leaving my paper and going to find you, babe" I answer and tell him I'll be there in 15 minutes.
I see Jrdn and Erc at a table near the door and settle down with them. They make funny jokes about how P only talk to them when he wants beer, and how they're sick of talking to each other. Eventually P sees me and comes over. He starts kissing me and hugging me and being all touchy, which is really sweet and kind of funny. He doesn't seem like it, but his instant cuddliness gives him away as mildly drunk. He spent the night between talking with his friends, and coming over and fondling me in front of his other friends. It must have been annoying for them, but he was so cute I didn't care.
His friends would say goodbye to me, and they were all so nice. I soon dropped the idea of finishing my paper, and decided to go sleep over at his house.
This morning was sort of lazy, we listened to the beatles, walked around in our underpants and ate cheerios. He made me listen to this song by the beatles which I had never heard before. It's quite beautiful. Tonight while I was at school and finishing my paper, the song popped into my head. I found the video and sent it to him on gchat. He loved the video and he suggested this be "our song" if only temporarily. I agreed. It's funny how I love these things about him, and how he says things that are in my brain.
I feel so happy and in love. And right now, a little tired because it's 2:04AM.
Sm came with me to the screening. We sat down and settled in for the first 2/3 of the screening. The schedule for the evening was : everyone else's films / entr'acte / L's film / P's film / Ann's film (a nice girl I met a the film people party). Almost all the films were great. As the films went on, people started wondering where P was. people were asking me where he was, it was really funny and strange. At the entr'acte, I checked my phone and he had called. His film transfer was running late. The prof informed everyone there would be a switch in the order.
L's film was exceptional. It was exactly my kind of film. So beautiful and subtle, it was really impressive. After the last film P called me. He asked me to tell someone, so I told L. The prof told everyone it would be about a 15 minute wait. I felt so nervous and stressed for P, even though I knew everything would work out, and I sort of liked the drama and the anticipation that was being created. Most people stayed, which was probably largely due to L's shouting: "You should stay, it's a really great film". Finally he arrived, and then people swarmed around him at the back of the auditorium. I was sitting in the middle, hoping he would see me, but in the confusion (he told me later) he sat alone in the front.
The lights dimmed, and the film started. My muscles ached from being tense and nervous for him. As soon as it started, my mouth cracked into a huge smile and remained that way for the whole film. It was beautiful. For some reason the quality of his projection was significantly better than most of the other ones. The sound was great, the image was gorgeous, it was so fluid and seamless, I was in awe. I wished he was sitting next to me so I could squeeeze his hand.
The film ended and everyone got up and started congratulating him. I didn't know where he was sitting, so I couldn't go over and give him a hug, until I got to the back of the room, and saw that he was sitting at the front. I tried to make my way to the front, and eventually I did. Gave him a kiss and a hug, but was almost as quickly pushed to the side by crazy fans (by crazy fans, I mean nice, supportive film students). I hung around with Jrdn and Sm and Erc mostly, while P was getting showered with compliments. It was really nice to see. I felt really happy for him.
(Sidenote: as with the party, I knew this sort of thing would happen, him getting lauded and being chatty and our conversations being interrupted by people, and it doesn't bother me, i'm extremely happy for him. The only thing I was bothered by was when in the moments when we were together people would come and interrupt. That, I was not a huge fan of.. but anyway)
I had my paper to write, so I wasn't planning on going to the bar, even though I wanted to, because he seemed sort of flushed and excited but in a tired way. I wanted to be supportive, but he was also going with Jrdn and Erc, so I thought he could share the moment with them. I headed back to the library, got down to business (hoping I would write enough to justify going to the bar), and about an hour into it, P calls me. "Hey, were you sleeping?" he says, "No I'm still at school" I answer. "You're still at schooool? I'm standing in the spot were we met" he says. "Awwww that totally justifies me leaving my paper and going to find you, babe" I answer and tell him I'll be there in 15 minutes.
I see Jrdn and Erc at a table near the door and settle down with them. They make funny jokes about how P only talk to them when he wants beer, and how they're sick of talking to each other. Eventually P sees me and comes over. He starts kissing me and hugging me and being all touchy, which is really sweet and kind of funny. He doesn't seem like it, but his instant cuddliness gives him away as mildly drunk. He spent the night between talking with his friends, and coming over and fondling me in front of his other friends. It must have been annoying for them, but he was so cute I didn't care.
His friends would say goodbye to me, and they were all so nice. I soon dropped the idea of finishing my paper, and decided to go sleep over at his house.
This morning was sort of lazy, we listened to the beatles, walked around in our underpants and ate cheerios. He made me listen to this song by the beatles which I had never heard before. It's quite beautiful. Tonight while I was at school and finishing my paper, the song popped into my head. I found the video and sent it to him on gchat. He loved the video and he suggested this be "our song" if only temporarily. I agreed. It's funny how I love these things about him, and how he says things that are in my brain.
I feel so happy and in love. And right now, a little tired because it's 2:04AM.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
"Hot and Bothered"
and "hot to trot" are funny expressions. I may start dropping them in regular conversations.
I'm eating M&Ms, reading about (and falling in love with) David Lynch, and not panicking about the paper that I haven't started and is due Wednesday. I just can't bring myself to experience that level of stress right now, it's too counter-productive.
I've been seeing more of P lately, which is really nice. Last night we went to a film-people party with Jrdn (his roommate) and L. It was really fun. Not long after we arrived, P sort of broke off and started talking tech with some of the people he knew there. I was only mildly interested in the conversations I was having with strangers, so I was happier to talk to L and Jrdn. At some point, Jrdn and I found ourselves in the corner talking about how we found parties a little annoying because of the unavoidable superficial chit-chat. We started talking about social interaction, perception, consciousness, language and meaning, and all these cool concepts that he understands on a more concrete level that I do because he studies psychology (the hard stuff, no pop-psychology for this guy). It was really awesome to connect with someone like that. I'm not saying it was a unique experience, but it was nice to feel it at the same time. I also really appreciated it when he said, 'It's easy talking to you'. He's very good (and polite) when it comes to socializing with new people, but I think most of the time he's not that interested in the new people he's interacting with.
I wish I had a single girl friend for him. He's so great. He reminds me of a certain someone who wore rose-colored glasses when I met her. I think being intimate with someone would do him a lot of good, but then again, he's pretty damn good already. I enjoy the fact that Sm liked him and that he liked Sm.
To go back to the party: P spent most of the night talking to other people. I half expected that to happen, so I wasn't surprised or bothered by it at all. He would come by once in a while check up on me and Jrdn and give me kisses. Being in that situation really made me understand what it is he's getting into. He's going to be a filmmaker. They talk to people, talk about their projects, learn from those around them, get excited about ideas, and create buzz for their films. He's fucking good at these things. It's amazing how he thrives on the energy of his film. He's the kind of person who wants to create hype about his film. It's something that I could never do (I mean, I can barely tolerate the imaginary pressure I put on myself -- real pressure? Pff!) and I'm totally amazed by it. I felt a quiet pride about being his girl.
One thing I worry about a little bit is about people placing me as this authority on him and his work. Like people asking me what I think about his film, expecting I've seen and analysed and loved everything. The truth is, I've seen some of his films, I haven't seen the latest one in its entirety, and to be perfectly honest his film are excellent, but they are more classical than films I usually watch, so I don't feel like I'm the right person to judge them.
At the end of the night, I was pleasantly surprised that he was coming to my house, since I thought he would go home again to finish his film. The original plan was to go for one hour and then head home to our respective homework, but four hours later it was 3 am and those plans went out the window. On the walk home he said, "hey i'm sorry if you felt like.. you know I was talking to people a lot" (or something to that effect) and I was like, "Noooo, please. I know you gotta do what you gotta do and besides I had fun with Jrdn, so it's all cool." I really appreciated the fact that he brought it up, and sort of understood that it could have been an uncomfortable situation for me, and I told him Jrdn's presence helped me avoid that.
Anyway, I feel like going to New Orleans with him, but I don't think I'll be able to (work, money, etc).
I'm really starting to get into necklaces. I don't have any, but I'm open to accepting them into my life. Especially cool sciency ones like these:
School is almost over. It can't happen soon enough.
I'm eating M&Ms, reading about (and falling in love with) David Lynch, and not panicking about the paper that I haven't started and is due Wednesday. I just can't bring myself to experience that level of stress right now, it's too counter-productive.
I've been seeing more of P lately, which is really nice. Last night we went to a film-people party with Jrdn (his roommate) and L. It was really fun. Not long after we arrived, P sort of broke off and started talking tech with some of the people he knew there. I was only mildly interested in the conversations I was having with strangers, so I was happier to talk to L and Jrdn. At some point, Jrdn and I found ourselves in the corner talking about how we found parties a little annoying because of the unavoidable superficial chit-chat. We started talking about social interaction, perception, consciousness, language and meaning, and all these cool concepts that he understands on a more concrete level that I do because he studies psychology (the hard stuff, no pop-psychology for this guy). It was really awesome to connect with someone like that. I'm not saying it was a unique experience, but it was nice to feel it at the same time. I also really appreciated it when he said, 'It's easy talking to you'. He's very good (and polite) when it comes to socializing with new people, but I think most of the time he's not that interested in the new people he's interacting with.
I wish I had a single girl friend for him. He's so great. He reminds me of a certain someone who wore rose-colored glasses when I met her. I think being intimate with someone would do him a lot of good, but then again, he's pretty damn good already. I enjoy the fact that Sm liked him and that he liked Sm.
To go back to the party: P spent most of the night talking to other people. I half expected that to happen, so I wasn't surprised or bothered by it at all. He would come by once in a while check up on me and Jrdn and give me kisses. Being in that situation really made me understand what it is he's getting into. He's going to be a filmmaker. They talk to people, talk about their projects, learn from those around them, get excited about ideas, and create buzz for their films. He's fucking good at these things. It's amazing how he thrives on the energy of his film. He's the kind of person who wants to create hype about his film. It's something that I could never do (I mean, I can barely tolerate the imaginary pressure I put on myself -- real pressure? Pff!) and I'm totally amazed by it. I felt a quiet pride about being his girl.
One thing I worry about a little bit is about people placing me as this authority on him and his work. Like people asking me what I think about his film, expecting I've seen and analysed and loved everything. The truth is, I've seen some of his films, I haven't seen the latest one in its entirety, and to be perfectly honest his film are excellent, but they are more classical than films I usually watch, so I don't feel like I'm the right person to judge them.
At the end of the night, I was pleasantly surprised that he was coming to my house, since I thought he would go home again to finish his film. The original plan was to go for one hour and then head home to our respective homework, but four hours later it was 3 am and those plans went out the window. On the walk home he said, "hey i'm sorry if you felt like.. you know I was talking to people a lot" (or something to that effect) and I was like, "Noooo, please. I know you gotta do what you gotta do and besides I had fun with Jrdn, so it's all cool." I really appreciated the fact that he brought it up, and sort of understood that it could have been an uncomfortable situation for me, and I told him Jrdn's presence helped me avoid that.
Anyway, I feel like going to New Orleans with him, but I don't think I'll be able to (work, money, etc).
I'm really starting to get into necklaces. I don't have any, but I'm open to accepting them into my life. Especially cool sciency ones like these:
School is almost over. It can't happen soon enough.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Filmmaker and The Librarian
Got back from spending the weekend at P's parent's place. His family is amazing. His parents are so wonderful, warm, funny and in love. They're quite inspiring, which makes me insecure about my family upbringing. I talked about this with Al last night, and she made me understand that sharing my past with P is more about trust than anything else. She said he is likely to feel better about me sharing it with him, than judgemental about what I tell him. This morning I really feel like she's right.
I'm feeling very calm today (and most days) even though I've got two papers due in the next week and a half. I feel disappointed that I didn't try hard enough during the school year, but I feel optimistic about all the learning I will do on my own this summer. P is very inspiring that way, he's always reading about film.
I'm still having these grad school debates. To be interdisciplinary, or not to be interdisciplinary? I feel deadlines looming and I worry I will just let everything drop and end up going somewhere I'm not super excited about. Although.. I must admit I'm pretty sure I would be happy being a regular librarian, helping people research things, helping to find cinema books for the library. As long as I can occasionally travel to New York.
I saw Jcqs the other day. He came to the house. It's hard to connect with him when there are other people around, so I didn't make any progress in that way. But it made me realize I wasn't quite ready to see him.
I'm thinking a lot about New Brunswick. Somehow I feel desperate to go back there for a long period of time. I don't know if it's me wanting to escape the reality of graduating, or deciding what my future will be, or if it's the remnants of my Cuban 'in-the-big-picture-none-of-this-really-matters' attitude. Or maybe it's because I feel like going back and resolving some family issues.
"Homeward Bound. I wish I was homeward bound.. " Simon & Garfunkle are the best. I wish P and I would go to New York this summer. It would be so awesome to re-experience that with him.
Vncnt is leaving soon. I dropped by his place the other day with cupcakes. I miss how in sync we used to be, but I know this distance is not a bad thing. Another girl dropped by while I was there. I hoped she wasn't feeling the way I felt for him. I didn't feel awkward or panicked the way I used to when other girls were around.
It's funny what a little perspective will do.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Communication of Information, Otherwise Known as Talking
Roger Ebert is a genius. His blog is amazing and enlightening.
In other news, I should be writing a many papers right now.
This looks good:
In other news, I should be writing a many papers right now.
This looks good:
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