Boeuf Bourguignon, Here I Come!

So i've turned totally domestic. Julia Child is my new idol. Anyone who can master the mysteries of cooking, I am in awe of them.

In a continued effort to save money, I've become very aware of what I eat and where. I was spending too much money on restaurants and coffee shops, but now, I've reduced my daily intake of coffee and I'm trying to make more things from scratch. It turns out, some things are surprisingly easy! Like biscuits!

I had my first fully relaxing weekend of the summer. I woke up when I felt like it on saturday (9.30am -- not bad, I'm a notoriously late sleeper), hopped on to my favourite food blog and proceeded to unknowingly pick out several recipes I wanted to make in the near future. I ended up planning my whole meals for the week. I tried to think a little bit in advance to be able to use as much as I would buy in as many meals as possible and it totally worked! I went to Jean Talon Market, bought a whole bunch of fresh vegetables and spent under 20$.

I came home, made french onion soup, improvised a lasagna for the next day, and made some chocolate mousse (which was my third attempt that week! -- turns out, egg whites are crucial!).

What I've noticed coming out of this culinary adventure is a great sense of accomplishment, and a little bit of self confidence. I'm still struggling to find the right level of confidence in myself. Trying to be a little softer, take off a little pressure.. so far, the only place I've managed to get anywhere near those things is in the kitchen.

I don't usually cook for people. I'm a solo eater for the most part. The occasional time P will come over and I'll make something, but we'll usually make it together.

When i'm cooking by myself, knowing no one else will be eating the food, I feel great. I feel like I can throw anything in that tomato sauce and it will be delicious. It is also the place where i'm not afraid to fail and try again. The mousse. I looked up countless recipes, watched numerous videos, read too many how-tos, and what I ended up doing was mixing elements of all of them together and trusting my instincts. It turned out delicious. Probably one of the best desserts I've ever made.

Trusting my instincts is something I find very difficult, especially when it comes to personal matters. I tell people to trust their instincts all the time, but fail to do so myself... I'm not sure why i'm like this.. I have a hunch it's related to my childhood, but what isn't!?

Swimming is the same thing. When I was re-learning to swim last summer, Ag told me 'swim the way you are most comfortable, you'll find your groove', and I did. We went with Vncnt to the pool on Laurier for the first time this summer. After the initial shock of the cold water, we swam like fishies and had a blast. She told me I improved.

I went to see Julie and Julia today with L and her friend D, it wasn't a great cinematic work, but learning about Julia Child's story was fascinating and inspiring. We were discussing after the film and I suggested I was less sympathetic to the Julie character, whose blog was turned into a book and then a film within only a few years, because her success was relatively quick but ultimately nothing substantial, nothing that will last years and years. Whereas Julia Child's passion (and struggle to get her book published) spans years of highs and lows. Julia Child's determination was inspiring.

Totally inspiring.



Besides, she was a spy!

Here's my chocolate mousse recipe for anyone feeling like they want a little something sweet.

2 squares of baker's chocolate semi-sweet
1 teaspoon of butter
200 mL of whipping cream (about a fifth of a small carton)
3 egg whites
1 egg yoke
1 tablespoon of sugar

Melt the chocolate over a double boiler and add butter. Take off heat and gently add egg yolk. Mix together and let it cool to room temperature. In the meantime, whip your whipping cream in one bowl and whip your egg whites in another. A few seconds after your eggs whites have begun thickening, add the sugar. (Egg whites are really hard to make with a whisk, a mixer is very helpful, but if you're feeling ambitious, whisk away!) Whisk until they form peeks.

When your chocolate has gotten to room temperature, take a little bit of the whites and mix into it into the chocolate to loosen it up a little bit. Then gradually fold in the rest of the whites in small portions (about 1/3 of the quantity you have in each addition). Once the whites are incorporated, gently fold in the whipping cream. Fold until you have no more left. Then stick your finger in it and smile. It'll be so good, I promise.

Conversations (or Lack Thereof)

I've noticed I hold many things back from P. I know this is the worse thing to do in a relationship, because people always talk about how 'communication is key!', but I haven't figured out what that means yet...

Sometimes I feel like P avoids certain conversations. Not out of any negative sentiment, but probably because he's uncomfortable talking about them. Like the me wanting to see him more thing. I think he doesn't like risky topics. Risky in the sense that someone could get upset or hurt.

Whenever I feel like i'm holding back, I have a tendency to shut down a little bit. I retreat to my thoughts and try to figure out 'what went wrong'. A lot of the time I think the problem is mine, and that I created it on my own, instead of trying to deal with it with the person in question. This is not a great strategy since, I usually end up caving or blowing up a little bit.

I'm in a weird place right now... I'm unsure how to get out of it.

Modern Love

Funny how when we're sad, the kind of sadness that weighs in your belly, the first thing that goes is our desire to eat. I'm full on sadness.

I'm being over dramatic, but the thing is I have a little ache in my heart to see P and he's too busy. Not only is he too busy, he's happy being busy. He said he misses me, but he's okay with having seen me for 6 hours total last week. He doesn't see that as a crappy situation.

What's also crappy is that I leave the conversation feeling demanding for wanting to see him twice per week.

He worked on a film set from friday to monday. I'm super happy that he was able to, given that he hasn't had the chance all summer. I'm happy to see him so enthusiastic and energetic. I guess I just didn't realize I would become second potatoe so soon.

I know filmmaking is his passion. I love that it is. I know he's not the type to let anything step in the way of his dream. I think I may not have realized what that meant...

You Are What You Eat

I've been thinking a lot about food these days. In an attempt to save money, I've discovered the joys of freezing things in one-meal portions. In the last two days I've made two versions of sheppard's pie, tomato-garlic-olive sauce for pasta with chicken and beet-carrot salad. Tonight I was cooking, while I was cooking. I felt present in and pleased with my actions. Preparing food, thinking ahead, being creative, not putting pressure on myself to make anything perfect. The last point might be the most important.

I've been putting too much pressure on myself (and others) to be perfect in the last while. I know it's not right, or productive, to be that way, but I often find myself forgetting that people are human and their imperfections make them special and wonderful.

I found this film at La Boite Noire: "How to Cook Your Life". It's a documentary about a zen chef Edward Espe Brown and (mostly western) culture's attitude towards food. I didn't know what to expect when I rented it. I simply hoped it would be visually interesting.

It turns out to be more about the philosophy of food, and in turn, of life. He says at some point something like "making sincere effort means the blemishes show", it's not pretending to be perfect and it shouldn't have to be. This should be my motto from now on.

I also need to eat less sugar. L is on a mission to cut back, and she being the only other person with a similarly sized sweet tooth... I believe I should also make an effort. So far, it's been very difficult.

I bought honey though. It's really wonderfully tasty.

"The Moon is Reaching For Me"

I've reached a point now where I feel exhausted and exhilarated. I remember a few months ago, we went to Toqué, the most expensive restaurant in the city, for a friend's birthday. For a moment, I stepped outside my body and found myself surrounded by these great people. I saw myself with them and felt jealous. I felt jealous of myself. It was a strange but wonderful feeling.

I feel like I've been patient, and I've built something beautiful with the people around me. I feel like I have everything I wanted. It's a strange but wonderful feeling.

My job is good and challenging (dealing with different kinds of people), my internship is fun, the journal is really picking up steam and I've somehow managed to get my need to consume under control. All in all, this was a summer of hard work. Work, work, and more work. Very rewarding, but also tiring.

I tried to go swimming last night for the first time in a few weeks. I only managed to swim for half the time I usually do. I felt overwhelmed and stressed. I wasn't able to relax, feel the water, and clear my head. My brain is unable to shut off these days... I fear that it will become worse during school.

I've decided what to do about grad schools. I'm going to apply to McGill for library studies, and Carleton for film studies. I'm keeping the PhD on the back burner for the moment, because I don't think I'm ready to leave the city and all the wonderful people here.

I can't believe I'm living the life I've always wanted.

Tonight, it's a Hepburn trilogy (Audrey for Funny Face and Sabrina, and Katherine for Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?).

I've got old movies on the brain and it feels great.