Strange Fruit

I had a strange feeling last night. The word that came to mind was Compassion. I realized I didn't know what it meant anymore. And that meant I wasn't applying it as a guiding principle of my life anymore. This was not a fun realization.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go around being zen or anything and calling it compassion, but there is a sense of inner peace that I usually have that has somehow escaped me. The direct result of this is drama in my head.

I realized I had so many expectations for this year, for this school, for me in school, and they've all promptly blown up in my face. I'm also confronting how I cope with these disappointments. I think there's part of me that doesn't like to admit how much I rely on the people around me. And now I just feel like an island, in the middle of nowhere, lost, unsure and disappointed in myself for having had so many expectations, from my school, from the people around me, and from myself.

I'm not living up to the ones I set for myself, and what's happening is that I'm relocalising that disappointment to other places in my life... notably with P, lately anyway.

I've been feeling like he's very distant. I've had this feeling for a few weeks. I think it's the feeling of the novelty wearing off. He just doesn't seem as enthusiastic as before and I don't know if it's related to me or something else. I just feel that there isn't the same level of effort as before, in the sense that, previously, every email I sent, no matter how aimless, got a response. I feel he's not as affectionate as usually -- and he was extremely affectionate, so any decrease is instantly noticeable. I sort of confronted the issue last night in a strange conversation I didn't want to have for a while. Somehow we were talking about moving. He asked me, not seriously, if I wanted to move in with him. I answered no, because his room is too small, and suggested, not seriously, that he move in with me, because I have two closets. He said, no and that he needed his own space and didn't see himself in this appartment, and that he didn't feel he was at a point in his life when he thought he wanted to move in with me, and then said, not seriously, it'll never work. Something in that touched a nerve. I immediatly turned away, and while he was making sweet sounds to lure me back, I said 'you're always pushing me away'. Then he asked for some examples (not in those words, but that was the general idea) and I couldn't find any. I said it was a feeling. I said I felt like I was always making things happen. Then he started listing things... New York - my idea, South Caroline - his parents idea, the cocktail party - my idea, etc. I think he saw that I made a point. Today we went out for breakfast at Beauty's before I had to get to school. He said 'are you going to the Maritimes this summer?' I said yes. He said 'do you want to go by car?' (implying that he would come too) and then he talked about wanting to go to Halifax and saying that I could pick where I wanted to go. The conversation felt like he was trying to make up for something. I don't know if I should be happy about that.. or what.

I feel like good relationships take some kind of effort to keep them awesome. And I feel like right now I'm carrying most of the load. I accept that people go through things and sometimes they need their partner to carry their load for a little bit, but.. there's something in that that makes me feel like i'm not a partner.. i'm just there.. carrying something.

I just don't feel connected. To anyone. Or anything. So I don't know if this distance is actually in him, or if it's just my perspective that is skewed.

I feel like I need people around me because I can't get everything from him, nor do I want to.. but there's no-one around (for their own good reasons, no doubt).

For the first time in my life, I feel like people at school don't want to be friends with me. That makes me go on the defensive and think 'well i don't want to be friends with you anyway!'.

I don't like that feeling.

I'm not being compassionate. I'm disappointed in myself for being able to be. I'm disappointed that I had so many expectations.

I'm trying to accept all this with an open heart. Being compassionate towards myself is the first step and I know it... but somehow I'm blocked and everything is dramatic.

Okay, That's It!

I just want this semester to be over!

aaaaaaaaah

Why can't I focus for more than 8 seconds?! Why do I suddenly care about people from high school on facebook?

aaaaaaaaah

Over. Now!

Baby Crazy

Lately, every time I get really stressed, my mind goes automatically into baby-mode. I don't know why my brain is wired like this, but I keep thinking "If I had a baby, none of this stuff would matter and I would be able to push every aside and devote myself completely to this little life". But the hard, cold reality is that would no happen. I would have all the same stresses, but a baby on top of it!

I really want these baby cravings to go away. Having a baby at my age, and in my situation would not be awesome. I would want my partner to be happy and excited about it -- and this would not be the case, I think. Or, I mean maybe, but probably not.

Go away baby thoughts! go away!

Out of Breath

P made an observation the other day when we were sitting around chatting with his parents. I had just spent the day at TEDxMcGill and was feeling a little quiet after all the presentations of the day. I felt like I didn't really want to talk, I just wanted to be with my thoughts. But with parents around, you've always got to be polite, and for some reason, perky. So I talked a bit about my day and the running themes of the presentations. We moved on to some more tense conversations about P's sister, and how she's dealing with the stress of being far away while starting her PhD. Then P's mother revealed some serious details about her own mother. All in all I felt a little uncomfortable, and I guess a little reticent to say much.

What he noticed was that when I was speaking I wasn't breathing. My whole upper body was constricted. It's something i've noticed in yoga. That when i'm doing hard positions I forget to breathe. The teacher often makes a joke of it asking us if we are still breathing. It's a habit that many people have, to forget about breathing through stress. To forget about breathing through every day.

I've noticed I do that every time I start talking about something school-related, and when I talk to my schoolmates. I use every breath to cram so many ideas in my sentence that I end up out of breath at my last word. It's a very strange feeling. I've always reveled in the moments between thoughts... and now i'm choking myself to get every word out -- words that are, frankly, kind of meaningless.

I did the same thing when talking to him about a paper a few days ago.

I find this very strange, and a little bit worrisome. I've never been one of those people who wanted to talk all the time, but I find at school, everyone is like that. They're all chatty, and some can go on and on for hours. So, it's hard to get a word in.

I'm not sure what to do about it... maybe just think more about it, and talk less.

Maturity

On my way home from school today, biking up the Park hill, I realized my previous post was a complete and utter lie. I have not cut my sugar consumption, I've been eating one Camino chocolate bar per day for the last 4 days! Funny how one little good deed (in my case, eating a carrot and drinking ginger tea) erases all the bad little things.

I've been thinking a lot about the way I eat lately. I think I've pretty much kicked the habit of eating out. I've been on this home-cooking thing for a while now, but it's only in the last few months that i've really gone at it, making meals every day that are nutritious and different. Jamie Oliver's got lots to do with that. And now i've discovered Nigella. Domestic Goddess. Something about these English ways makes everything seem so easy-peasy.

The things that have been falling into place are my attitudes I've carried with me on the backburner since my adolescence. I've finally found a place to shelve those body-image worries. Funnily enough, for the first time, ever, in my life I thought 'Geez -- I hope I don't get too thin!' Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near 'too thin', but it's really funny that all these teen worries have finally been mellowed. This is something of a revelation. For those who knew me when I was in my teens, I had as many issues with my body-image as the next girl. Always worried. Always self-deprecating.

I don't want to play the 'blame the parents' card, but really, if they would have pushed me into exercise a little bit more, I think things would have been totally different.

It's funny and a little bit sad that most of the things that I felt so sharply in my teens have had the wind taken out of them. The older I get, the more prespective I have, the more I think about my former self with gentleness and that old 'everybody goes through it' kind of attitude.

I wish we understood that more when we were young. I remember people saying that it would pass, but never really believing them.

So things fall into place as time goes on... how about that?

Falling Into Place

My previous post will be elaborated later. Today I realized the simple joys of ginger. Of course I always new it was delicious, but sometimes we forget these things.

I've been trying and trying and trying to kick my sugar cravings to the curb, and I think today I am a step closer to being okay with be sugar-free. It's amazing how much sugar is in all the things we consume.

Nigella and Jamie are making me appreciate the tangyness of ginger tea, and the sweet crunch of a carrot.

Back to basics baby.

Youth

It's funny how everything falls into place.

Purging

What am I afraid of?

I've been having these meltdowns more frequently lately. I know it's because i'm stressed, about school, but I feel like they're beginning to get out of hand.

What am I afraid of?

Not doing well in school. Being mediocre. Being rejected (especially by scholarship foundations). Being so full of debt that I can't relate to the people around me anymore. Not finding a job I like. Not being strong enough to be proactive about being happy. Losing myself in my stress and fear. Not having ideas about interesting things. Not being curious. Not being ambitious. Losing touch with myself. Losing the people I care about. Being so scared of losing the people I care about that I push them away from me.

Not being able to overcome my fear of expressing my feelings and needs.

I'm afraid that I will be the only source to my unhappiness.

I'm afraid that I silence myself.

--

True fearlessness is not a reduction of fear, but moving beyond it. And discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart.

--

Fears, I acknowledge you. Now let's get on with the show.

Hello Winter

I feel like summer was yesterday, but this morning's snow-covered roofs I saw outside confirmed it was not.

I was talking with Vnss and I told her I felt like being a mom and being paid to blog. All I want to do right now are crafts, cleaning, cooking, rearranging things in the apartment, making things pretty. I had this thought about having a little girl and making dresses for her. Easy ones, since, I can barely stitch.

I didn't work all weekend. I surfed blogs looking for easy d-i-y projects. I made a fabric flower à la Carrie Bradshaw, except mine is made from dark purple velvet (which was not the right fabric for this project). Oh well, next time.

I've been having lots of ideas for projects and things I want to do that are sort of "professional skills" building, but I can't seem to put my finger on any of them. Do I want to start a lecture series? A publication? A one-time event? I'm not 100% sure about any of these like I was about starting the cinema journal last year. I need somewhere to channel this stuff!

P is coming back tomorrow!! I'm so excited!! I almost can't handle it!!

There are too many beautiful things in this world! So many things to share!

Spazzing out 24/7

I put my finger on a few things in the last few days.

I've been feeling generally overwhelmed since I started this program. It's a very powerful feeling. A mixture of fear, doubt, irrational, and some positive things but I can't remember now. That's what I mean. I'm in a constant state of forgetfulness and, as i like to call it, spazzing out. 24. 7.

I don't feel like myself in all this. I'm the one who remembers details. I'm the one who's always on time. I'm the one who makes plans. Not anymore. I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't like this feeling.

And another thing. I'm feeling very strange about communication these days. Most of my good friends are gone from this town, and I find most of the conversations I have in my day-to-day are kind of shallow. I mean, I suppose there's hope with a few people that something will come out of it.. but really, it's just one person, and she has lots of friends, so who knows if i'll fit it.

I feel sad that many of my favourite people are no longer around me, and that i'm not aware of their daily lives. More and more I'm beginning to feel that the only thing you can really be rooted into is yourself, because people come and go, and you have no control over that. And the happiness you get out of life shouldn't necessarily be totally invested in the people around you.

This is a very hard thing for me to say, because i've always believed and known that in life, it didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, as long as the people I loved were around me. Now I don't know what to think anymore... but maybe that's just the grad-school talking.

One thing I do like, is how all this graduate stuff if making me really excited about having a normal life. Cleaning. Cooking. Canning. Being healthy. Being happy with the simple pleasures of life. (Am I turning into a mom already!? uh-oh)

I've been thinking about going to yoga twice per week... that would be super intense for me. Since i've started, i've been walking around more, because my knees don't hurt instantly! I feel like my sanity is always restored when I do yoga. I could use more of that.

I could also use more P. He's in Peru. And although we wouldn't necessarily be spending time together right now, we would be having our little daily chats.

This bed is nice. I like how they prop up their pillows with those big decorative ones.



I really love beds in general. So comfy.

Cheese Please

Did you know fondue is delicious AND fun?

Here I am on P's front steps, ready to go to the market.



The boys walked at a brisk pace -- who wouldn't!? when cheese is involved.



A very serious search began and soon we found...



Cheese!



Definitely worth smiling about.



And voila! Delicious and fun!



Then there was chocolate fondue, what a life!

This week P is in Peru with some friends. It doesn't change much, I suppose it just means my next weekend will be free. Free for me to wrestle with the fourteen-hundred papers I have to write on topics I barely understand.

I should stop wishing time away... I did that a lot during the undergrad and it mostly left me with feelings of unsatisfaction.

I did however make a delicious baked-beef stew today; 3 hours of baking time and totally worth it.

Be here now. Mantra of the week.

He Calls me 'Puppy'

I just had an intense yoga class tonight -- stretching all kinds of legs muscles that should not be stretched. And during the final relaxation, I got a little misty-eyed. I have no idea why or what caused it, I just know that it felt special.

I've reached a point in my life: the point where I feel happy. Actually happy. The kind of happiness that made me have tears of joy (!?) for no apparent reason when I got home.

I spent most of my youth crying for different reasons. I remember having these 'I don't know why' conversations and feeling all the weight of those question marks. I spent that time trying to figure out why I was sad, why I couldn't feel happy, why, why, why.. Today a similar feeling of not knowing the sources of my feelings washed over me, but it was radically different. It didn't have all those other questions attached to it. It just felt beautiful. It felt like I could feel all the wonderful things in the world.

The only thing different about this yoga session from the other ones is that we made the corny 'Ohm' sound. The teacher said we could find some things to dedicate our 'ohms' (which are representative of our practice) to something or someone, so that we hold the tradition closer to our heart. The first thing I thought of when I thought of the dedication were three people in my life, then when I let the thought sit in my mind, I felt like the thing I really wanted to dedicate my practice to was myself, my well-being and my mother. The last time we did the 'ohm' I dedicated them to my well-being, my mother and life in general. I'm not usually into this esoteric stuff, but it felt like the only thing I could dedicate it to. Life. Why not?

It hit me how far i've come. This time last year I was having meltdown after meltdown about my relationship with P, because of my insecurities, and many more other reasons. I'm not ready yet to go re-read those posts, because i'm still not ready to accept that I was that person at some point in life. That I was desperate, that I didn't have perspective, that I asked so much of other people (my friends included), that I was holding everything so tightly I wanted to squeeze all the life out of it.

I've gone back and read a few posts about Vncnt -- the height of my desperation before last September. I look at those with a little more kindness. Sometimes they even make me laugh a little. For better or worse, Vncnt really taught me a lot about who i wanted to be (and who I didn't want to be). I don't think I could have ever dreamed of being here if I didn't live that experience with him.

P called me 'Puppy' this weekend. Affectionately, of course. We have lots of little names for each other, most of them he conjures up, but this one felt particularly right. I do feel like a little puppy around him! Happy and excited and giggly and smiley and a little bit too hyper.

It's really nice.

I'd be the one on the right.

When I grow up..

I still want to be interested in food, I still want to take the time to make healthy meals, I want to be active and in touch with nature, I don't want to think I know everything about anything, I still want to listen, I want to speak and mean what I say, I don't want to be a complainer, I want to make the time to take care of myself.

These are some things I've been thinking about this weekend. I've also been thinking a lot about how i'm becoming more and more like my mother. I remember when I was younger she would make cleaning up our closets and dresser drawers a weekend activity. She would move the furniture in our rooms to make them seem fresh and different. She took care to make the bed with 10, 000 pillows and put baby powder between the clean sheets.

I've noticed I've get great satisfaction from cleaning up the pile of clothes sitting in my closet, rethinking how to optimize my storage. I make my bed with the same care my mother took to smooth out all the wrinkles and make the sheets tight.

I know that I have no idea how children will change my life, but I really, really hope that I will still be able to do things with care for them and when they are around. I don't want to go to quick fixes most of the time. I want to connect with them through these activities.

The older I get, the more old-timey I'm becoming - wanting to make things homemade as much as possible. I don't think this is bad thing, but I'm still unsure of how I will be able to negotiate this with a full-time job later on.

Another thing is friends. The more time passes, the more I see how relationships become the center of people's lives. It seems like nowadays when I have free time, it's almost always spent with P. I love spending time with him, but it also makes me wonder: where my girls at? I want to keep my friendships even when I'm old and have a family, but this seems next to impossible when everyone is busy and far away.

I'm not saying I'm giving up hope, i'm just saying, I miss you!

Next Year

I just had a radical idea. There's part of me that wants to propose to P that we move together to Vancouver after I'm done my MA.

He has expressed interest in going back, since he was born there.

Right now I'm in the mood for an adventure!

There's a first time for everything

I just spent the whole day studying -- from 11am until 10pm with only a few breaks to eat.

It's the strangest thing I've ever done. Writing notes, making flashcards, checking to make sure I know something and if I don't making a note of it. Using our nifty blackboard (that was the best part)!

I feel very stressed and a little bit not stressed about these upcomings midterms. Everybody keeps saying: don't worry about it! But when I went to a study session last week and didn't know a fraction of what the other girls knew, I got worried.

I really wonder how much of this is useful.

Going with the flow either way though, and it kind of feels good.

I want to post!

I want to write something meaningful here so badly, but i'm barely staying afloat in school and too many lovely things are happening around me for me to keep track of!

This is pretty cool.



Slow down world!

(one breath at a time)

I've Finally Done It

I started talking to people. Randomly. Asking them questions. Starting to talk to them assuming they know who I am. One girl I wanted to talk to, she seemed nice and cool and interesting. I did it today. And I asked her name.

This is big for me. I'm breaking the ice, getting a little more comfortable, and it feels kinda good.

Furthermore, I'm really starting to like McGill. There was a protest outside today about the closure of this café called Arch café, which I think is the equivalent of Concordia's café-x (student-run, alternative goodies, organic coffee), so I hope that gets up and running again. Also, the libraries and all the quiet sitting space. Love it. And all the services are really fast! I finally found the farmer's market! Cute!

Things are looking up.

Except for this one thing: one of my profs hasn't gotten back to me about a reference letter I asked him if he would write many months ago... I'm going to freak out if this doesn't work out.

My mom keeps saying : okay, i'm going to ask the universe for this for you. And then she does, and usually it happens. So with her on my side, I'm going to do my own universe-asking and hopefully this stuff will get solidified soon.

In other news, yoga is awesome. Really much harder than I thought. I never realized how much tension I had in my legs. I'm working on stretching that out.

Love chairs

Adl (in email) : boo boop bee doo

(you see it?)



P (in email response) : I see it in you every day!

Wooo!

---

Heart -> melt.

Left-field

I just had a really strange thought. It's kind of a fear, but a very small one, and probably an irrational one. I just had the thought: 'sometimes P wants to do things that I can't do, that are beyond my abilities (eg. frisbee, team sports in general)' and 'I often want to do simple things (eg. take a walk outside) and after a few walks, his enthusiasm about them dwindles'.

The thought is about his search for adventurous and exciting things, and my preference for quiet, calm activities (which to me are never really the same, or boring, because I really like the idea that no moment is the same as the next).

Like I said, small fear, but I wanted to write it out anyway.

In other news, information science rules!

I stand corrected

There are cute/interesting pictures from the net to post.

Baby in an Eames chair -- Dream!

Four Day Weekend

I was walking from P's place to the metro with a hypersensitivity to sound and smell. The city is so smelly and noisy! Even here, in my bedroom in a quiet neighbourhood, is the sound of some electrical tool brrrr-ing from the alley.

I just spent the most wonderful weekend with P. After a few weeks of feeling mildly disconnected this weekend fixed all that. It also helped that I divulged my insecurities to him last friday. I said I felt a little alone lately. This is obviously not only related to him. I'm trying to be less 'dependant' on friends too.. which means I talk to them less, and see them less, which is hard, to say the least. But I have to stop making them be my safety net and my security blanket all the time (sometimes is okay, of course). After I told him, he immediately called me and we talked about it. I think the issue is more that i'm stressed about school, loans, and all that stuff (still no answer). In reality, I just want someone to sweep all this stuff off my hands and tell me everything will be okay, but I know things don't work that way.

I also have a lingering feeling that being at Mcgill now, and getting 20 emails per day, i'm going to miss something, the key to my future success. I used to check my email obsessively -- now I avoid it at all cost.

I'm looking into a yoga class and I love not having class on tuesdays.

I haven't been spending so much time on blogs, so no interesting pictures...

Snap!

This makes me want to keep my long hair, straighten it, ponytail it, and search for that bag day and night until I find it.

Introducing...

A little hint:

another little hint?

That's right! You guessed it! I'm starting my own graphic design business (for real!)! And what's the best part? The name: flâneriedesign ! How funny and awesome is that!?

The first image is the back of my new business card, and here's the front:



(it looks like the writing is too small to appear on screen - it just says my name, designer, email, telephone).

Here's what my invoices will look like:



I just spent a couple (too many to remember) hours making all this. I'm serious about starting this. I'm done with putting my passion on hold. I'm going to be PRO-ACTIVE!

Woohoo! I started putting together all the electronic files I have of past issues of magazines I've worked on, posters i've made, new things i'm making, all kinds of fun stuff! I'm really happy and excited. And thrilled at the fact that when making this stuff, I could just keep going and going and going and going... like the Energizer Bunny!

I've posted the sign for cards at Bummis, so for now the target audience is mainly babies, but hopefully that's going to grow into something awesome. Being creative is so awesome!

Woo-hoo x 2!!

Rarara

Okay, I've put my finger on something that really bugs me, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's irritation mixed with jealousy towards P's mom. It was prompted by an article in Vanity Fair I was reading during our SC trip. It was Angelina Jolie waxing poetic about motherhood and parenting. I passed the magazine to his mom and she read the article. She didn't really comment on anything except one phrase where Jolie says something like 'when they become teenagers and they start closing the door, don't talk to them, listen. Because there's nothing you could say' and she responds: 'Angelina Jolie knows nothing about parenting if that's what she thinks'. The whole thing struck me because when I read the article and that sentence I thought 'yeah, that's awesome, listen to your child'. I didn't respond anything to her, but the irritation stayed with me.

She has very strong views on what makes a happy marriage, a happy childhood and a happy home, and who am I to judge? She's got all three. I mean, yes, her children are kind of exceptional and they all adore each other, but fuck, she had the luxury to stay home and raise them for a long time, with a husband making enough income to support them. I don't know if she realizes that that is not the case for most people. I don't know if I should feel flattered that she thinks I fit in that kind of profile, or angry that she has mistaken me for fitting in that profile.

I get rattled up whenever she talks about child rearing because although she has raised two well-balanced, successful, kind, loving children, I don't think there's only one way of getting those results. I feel like she's blind to their faults, but I guess all mothers are.

All this came about this weekend because I went to spend two days there with P and to see Eat, Pray, Love with his sister and mom. Her sister's friend was getting married on saturday so it sparked lots of discussion about weddings and how they should or shouldn't be. His sister was disappointed at the lack of traditional aspects in the ceremony.

I know I shouldn't, but I almost feel like telling people who think traditional weddings are the only way to go that they are crazy! There are SO many ways of getting married today. I would rather have a small and sincere wedding than a showy one where you don't feel like yourself, you're surrounded by people you don't really know, and you feel like you need to make a performance out of the whole thing. Today, my ideal wedding would be small enough to fit everyone on one big old wooden table (or two), lots of pictures, and lots of smiles.

I wonder if people hide themselves behind traditional weddings. If you follow the rituals, you avoid having to reveal anything about your personality, playing it safe... is that really the way to start the rest of your life?

Perhaps I'm judging all this too critically. Perhaps I'm letting my alternative views get the best of me. The only thing I hope is that if ever that day comes, I'll be able to compromise.

Another thing that kind of bugged me was her interpretation of Eat, Pray, Love. I think she's got it all wrong, focusing on the relationships (ex-husband, ex-lover, current boyfriend) instead of Liz's journey. What really burns my butt is when she insists on the fact that Liz is an extremely controlling person: I think 'should you really be the person commenting on another's control issues?'.

Rarara!

I know the best thing to do is let it go. And for the most part I can. My only worry is if this relationship with P grows into a long-term, family thing. Will she be invasive? Will I have to have awkward conversations with P about it? Will I be able to stand my ground? Will I be able to build a life different from the one she built with her husband if P is mine?

I know it's too early to think about this, but it seemed like the perfect occasion to do so.. wedding and all.

Think positive. Believe in yourself. Let go.



Love this coat-hanger.

Mad Men

On the plane back from South Carolina I picked up one of those airplane magazines which had a feature on two characters from Mad Men. I've only watched a couple of episodes from the first season, and if I had enough time, I would probably watch more, but all this to say, it gave me a vague idea about who these people were in the magazine -- enough to make me read the article. In the piece there was a pop-out quote, the ones that are in bigger font size outside the actual article. It was a quote from Don Draper saying something like : sometimes when you achieve your goals, you realize you didn't make them high enough. It resonated with me immediately, because I have very modest goals, I'm very cautious, and I don't dream big like some people do. It got me thinking about what my biggest goal would be. Do I want to be rich and famous and get recognized in the streets? No. Do I want to make a breakthrough in some kind of field? Not really? Do I want to have huge design contracts like re-designing the New York City Subway signage? No (because it's already perfect!).

I think I have found what I want to do. I want to design small personal projects for people or small companies. To work independently, or with a small team. And to have another job which is enough to pay the bills but not eat up all my time if it's not related in some way to this goal.

P just installed Indesign on my computer. I'm going crayzay!

How about that?

"Only in the love of those who do not serve a purpose, love begins to unfold."

This sentence hits the mark for me. This idea that your love partner is not someone who fulfills any need in you in one that I read about in Eat, Pray, Love and have put into practice ever since. She said something like 'I don't need Felipe for money, I don't need him for entertainment, I don't need him to travel, I don't need him for making babies (because she didn't want any), etc.' She concluded that the only thing she got out of her relationship with Felipe was companionship and love (but that would be later on). Now, am I crazy? Or doesn't this sound like a better way of going about loving someone?

It's easier to think about it in reversed terms: do I want P to love me because I'm smart? No. Do I want P to love me because I'm interesting? No. Do I want P to love me because I make him dinner? No. Because I pay for things? No. Because of my friends? No. Because I fulfill some kind of need in him? No. Because I make him feel good? No.

Basically all these things can suddenly change without notice, and do i want someone who will stop loving me if enough of these things stop being there? No. I want him to love me for reasons that can't really be expressed. That's how I feel about him. I do love him for reasons similar to the ones listed above, but the overarching thing is that I just do. I think this is were the 'loving someone who does not serve a purpose' is great, because things in life change a lot, needs and purposes included. So I think what ends up mattering is how much integrity each person in the relationship feels while being strongly connected to the other.

I'm not suggesting the old 'you mean like when Woody Allen waved across the park to Mia Farrow' scenario mentioned (with disdain) in Sex and the city, but I'm not sure I see something wrong with two people sharing only parts of themselves (ever changing) for the rest of their lives (ideally).

For example, at the beginning of our relationship, I felt I needed to know all of P's deepest thoughts and insecurities, because that's what intimacy is. Boy, was I wrong -- at that time, it only pushed him away a little bit. But now, I can have all the discussions I want, but I don't really feel the need to. So, if I expect to have a weekly dispensing of thoughts and feelings for the rest of my life, I'll probably be disappointed. P shares those parts with me sometimes. Other times he shares anecdotes, other times he shares other things, so eventually, I'll get to see every side of him, it's just going to take time. And if I want to spend my life with this person, what's the rush!?

I don't understand why we're programmed to want to know everything about someone in the shortest amount of time possible; to cram our noses so close to the window that we can't actually see the person, or much else either.

I'm open to other ideas about this, but right now, this one makes the most sense to me.

I love these pictures.

Clean Sheets

I've been reading this book, The Art of Loving. I like that it's a book that agrees with a lot of things that I think about (for the most part). It has some interesting ideas about human motivations behind love, different kinds of relationships, and the author considers to be the best, or more mature, kind of love. One nice phrase that stands out is :

Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

This rings a lot of bells in me. Especially since the time I came across that great quote by Katharine Hepburn (Love has nothing to do with what you're expecting to get, only what you're expecting to give -- which is everything). In keeping with this quote, the author writes: 'love is an action, the practice of human power, which can be practice only in freedom and never as the result of a compulsion."

I appreciate that he recognizes the act of giving as the expression of aliveness. I think our society views giving as 'giving up' something, when it fact, we all know how much better is feel to give than to receive. What are we so afraid of losing? In a sort of indirect way, I was always ambivalent about sharing things with people: friends, ideas, interesting articles, more recently interesting blogs, interesting artists, interesting films. I was afraid other people would like them! Why would I be afraid of connecting with someone on these things? Well, for friends it's clear, I didn't want them to want to be friends with my friends, or my friends to want to be friends with them. Clear case of insecurity. As for interests, I think it's because I wanted to hoard the things I thought were cool, to maybe feel some sense of separation from others, to feel like I knew about something special and they didn't.

Now when I think about it, I don't mind so much sharing ideas and interests. And I think i'm ready to go out of my way to share them with people (ie. follow-up on a 'yeah, i'll send you the link' conversation that happens in the wee hours between me and someone I barely know). Besides, there's too much stuff on the internet for me to know about.

Better to release it into the universe.

(and write certain things on paper... I had a great idea for an article title about archives... forgotten...)

No wait! It was State of the Archive, an article i'm thinking of writing in the future about archives and how they're high tech now (which I have no idea if they are, that'll be resolved in September!) But I like the play on state of the art, and the state of archives.

Yes, saved in the blogosphere. Like so many other thoughts.

Best Birthday, Ever

This year my birthday was low-profile, no muss, no fuss. I made a vague suggestion to P that there were some people I wanted to see, he made an attempt at a rencontre, but since there were so many things happening this weekend (Osheaga, farewell parties, other birthdays, etc) I didn't hold my breath for anything.

But boy, did I get swept off my feet. First, we spent a lovely friday night at our dear friend Arl's going away party. I caught up with Lé, whom I hadn't seen in many weeks, and saw some friends away for the summer. We went home and I went to work the next day. I come home, get dolled up according to his instructions (blue polka-dot 40s style Banana Republic dress to the rescue, with coral sandals), he met me at 6pm and delivered a bag of surprises. A new Strand bag! Mine was looking pretty shabby, so I was very pleased to get this nifty new one. In it P packed a few more items, a teeny box of chocolates, Elizabeth Gilbert's first book Stern Men, a sweet card, and the most incredible gift ever: a Bamboo drawing tablet like this



He said when he saw me having so much fun with his tablet, he thought it would be a good idea for me to have one to jump start my graphic design career. He also said he found an old version of Indesign that my (poor, little, weak) computer could handle.

I'm so excited and motivated! It's awesome. It reminds me of the story his mom told me about how she became a writer. She said: 'I wanted to stay home and raise the children, but I had always been interested in writing. Alain bought me our first computer so that I could write.' And the rest is history (she has almost a million books in print, actually). Anyway, getting this design tool from P kind of boosts my confidence. He said, 'see! now you're a real designer!' which was really sweet.

I think I'm going to contact Moment Factory again soon to see if I could intern there. I want to get my foot in the door of some design studios. I watched a documentary on Annie Leibovitz, that was really motivating too. It reminded me how much I loved Susan Sontag's On Photography so I bought it used right away. That a Barthes' photography book. I remember how it made me feel so connected to creative work.

I want to paint, and photograph, and arrange, and blog, and surf, and look, and bike around. Life is awesome. I want to remove all the pictures from my room, paint my walls a light shade of grey and make an assemblage of pictures in the living room. I also want this lamp.

I should stop wanting material things though... :s

First thing's first

Okay, I'm going to admit straight out that i've been censoring myself on this blog for a while now. Some kind of fear came over me that someone who shouldn't be reading this would be reading it and then all hell would break loose. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will say a few things I've been holding back (i'm waiting until tomorrow because it's late and I have an 8am appointment in the morning).

The internet, glorious and life-sucking internet. I saw this and it made me realise I had to come to my senses.



The internet's always on my side.

Southern Love

The trip to South Carolina was amazing. It was cool to make so many memories in such a short amount of time: loudly whistling with P to songs I had never heard before by Gilbert Bécaud (L'important c'est la rose)in the back of the car at 11 pm, getting lost on a boat with 5 kids under 9 years old in a place called 'Alligator Alley', being ridden around on a sea-doo and giving new meaning to 'hold tight', visiting the a plantation, bouncing in really strong waves with butt scratches to prove it, sweating like i've never sweated before, and spending a 5 hour delay at the Minneapolis airport happy as clams.

This week has been the longest time P and I have ever spent together consecutively. It was great! We are great travelling partners. It was interesting travelling with his family (Mom, Dad and younger sister) in a car, together, crammed, for 20 hours. There isn't too much to say except, their personalities came out pretty vividly. I've always imagined them as a perfect family. Cool-calm-collected at all times. But in this particular case of 6-days together 24/7, I saw some tensions rise and some tempers flare. This was reassuring to me because it made them all a little more human. The examples are too minute to elaborate, but all in all it was an interesting experience of a real family.

I've (almost) never been on road trips with my family, and never for more than couple of hours in the car until our destination. I'm beginning to think that the success of a family depends more on the idea of 'your' family as a whole, rather than the individual parts. That family is more an idea than anything else. Someone in the parenting article I read the other week said something to that effect.

The whole experience of the vacation (seeing P with his family, seeing him interact with little kids) solidified something in me. It didn't evoke specific images of a family with him, but it reaffirmed the presence of a future together. It feels vague, but I know it's there. That's a nice feeling.

A few favourites:

lalalalove

Expectations 2.0

I'm not much of a purse gal, but this one is beautiful!



I've been wanting to craft a lot lately. Wanting to make posters, paint, and reorganize our apartment (we found an old-new couch on the street the other day, and now our living room finally makes sense!). I'm also mildly obsessed with the idea of having a family. Or more precisely, of being young while starting a family. I guess young doesn't mean the same thing it did a couple decades ago.. but I always keep thinking 'before thirty'. I'd like to have my life on track.

As I typed this post I received an email about yesterday's post (see comments) with the link to an NYMag article. As I began reading it I wondered about the situation of parents today. So many of us are used to getting things done fast and conveniently and went it comes to child rearing that leaves us with buying formula, pre-made purées, using disposable diapers, buying toys (or worse, tv shows) to entertain them at an extremely young age, sending them to daycare. Of course I'm being extreme here, but I think there is something to be said for the culture we're growing up in and how it affects our choices vis-a-vis building our family and raising our children.

What if we stopped and lowered our expectations? What if we let go of our egos and tried connecting with our partners and children? instead of plugging them (or ourselves) to the latest gadget? What if we spent time connecting with them quietly (not with the tv on in the background)? What if we spent time with the baking in the kitchen when they're older? What if we gave them more imagination time? What if we weren't afraid of letting them play alone?

Recently I've been interested in what they call elimination communication, which you could think of as an early potty-training where the parent cues into the babies needs to know when they need to pee or poo and can do so in a potty instead of a diaper. This leads to being potty trained earlier, using less diapers, less resources, etc. The main idea is to be so tuned into your baby that you can almost anticipate their needs. This is interesting too, because i'm not sure how much i've been taught (not having been around baby's that much, save my younger brother) to actually listen to the baby's needs and respond to them accordingly. I was raised on the 'let them cry it out' school of thought. But what if we tuned into the fact that parenting is incredibly hard, instead of thinking 'my kids won't be like that', and what if we realize keeping a family together can also be incredibly challenging?

I wonder if we aren't programmed with exceedingly high expectations about these two facets of life.. or if we're programmed to overestimate our abilities to deal with them?

Death by Blogs

Mama-baby blogs are the death of me. They're so dangerous! It makes me all excited about having babies, because there are all kinds of new things (and old-new things) that are so darn cute! and make having babies look fun!

For example, this blog.

I'm going to sign up for yoga classes!

A key!

P left me my very own key to his house today. Keys and personal spaces are not a huge deal for us, I gave him a key a few months ago, but it's still fun!

Long Overdue

Lots of thing have been happening in the last weeks. Lots of ice cream, hanging out with friends, Xavier Dolan's new film, parents arriving, graduating, having fits, laughing them off, working, not working, taking driving courses and reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book.

I've been coping with all these things relatively well. One strange thing that happened after my graduation supper is me having a total fit on the corner of Prince-Arthur and St-Urbain. It was me going from zero to 500 in a fraction of a second. It was a moment that has probably been building up for years. Me, walking with my mom and P, making a comment on how bratty my half-brother had been during the post-graduation family supper, them responding with 'but he's only twelve' and my reaction exploding out of nowhere. I threw the roses I had received on the ground and yelled 'I hate this kid!' storming of on St-Urbain and not looking behind, but not before I ripped my arm away from P who was trying to calm me down. I wondered if he would come running for me during a split second, but it's better that he didn't. My mom might've gotten lost, and I would have channelled my physical reaction onto him.

Like I said, this didn't happen from one isolated moment and honestly it's too long and complicated to explain here, but to summarize, it's largely about the lack of respect that this spoiled kid shows towards his parents, and the fact that he takes them so much for granted even though he's so lucky to have them both around. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but a few friends have remarked that this anger is probably a transference of anger that I have towards my parents, and not actually anger towards my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that hypothesis.. since I feel very aware of my emotions towards my dad, and they never manifest themselves so violently.

Either way, I got home. My mom was there. I didn't see P's shoes so I thought for a second maybe he left instead of staying over that night. He had gone to try to find me. I called him, he came back. I hashed out some ideas with my mom and by the time he got back I was feeling better. He made me talk about it a little, but eventually just made me giggle. All in all, i'm somewhat glad the outburst happened.. though I wish it would've happened at another time. Now i'm intrigued by this side of me i've never seen before.

My mom was lovely and awesome to be around, and it was nice to have everybody come together around a happy occasion. It feels fun to have graduated. To be done with that chapter of life. I have a feeling of endless possibility right now, which is nice.

I feel like letting out a big 'ahhhhh'.

The Filmmaker and the Librarian Kiss

The other night after my mom told me about her July operation we chatted for a bit and then hung up. Not 10 minutes later, P calls. I'm busy researching the abnormal cells and as soon as he asks me how I am, I fall silent. Holding back gulps, I tell him the news. He consoles me and says he'll be there later. He calls after work and shows up around 1am. He lightens the mood by talking about our mutual friend who recently got a girlfriend (a first it seems). He mentions something about his 'list'. The new girl isn't quite bilingual, he says, and that was one of the things on his list. I ask him what else is on it, he says: bilingual, sporty, and silly. It seems I fit the profile. We talk and giggle about it some more and then it hits me: oh my god, we're talking, really talking, he's being open, honest and lovely. We talk about love more than we ever have before. He says for him, love is something you have inside of you. It's yours. Your love doesn't necessarily die when a relationship ends because it's yours. Obviously, if a relationship does end, there's a point when you have to move on, and you can because you still have your love, it's not shattered and you're not shattered by this person's absence. This is an interesting theory, and I kind of like it. It sort of flows with the Buddhist stuff I've been reading.

Everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship is now here, right in front of me. Patience. Wow -- it creates miracles. Letting this happen, I like this.

We spend the next day together - have breakfast at Le Zigoto, walk around looking for garage sales (unsuccessfully), then go home hang out and split for our separate social engagements.

We come back together that night after my dinner/movie and his wrap party. We talk some more, about my lack of tact (my words, not his) and he consoles me some more. It's not the first time he's been there for me, he was really there for me when my grandmother passed away, but it's the first time I felt him really there in the moment as it was happening. It's an incredible feeling.

Our other mutual friend Arl is leaving at the beginning of August. He's moving to Mexico to launch his career. His departure is earlier than we thought.. so their plans to make a film together are going to be put aside, and his absence is something i'll have to get used to sooner than later. He invited us to go visit him when he gets to Mexico. P asks 'you want to go to Mexico someday?' pausing, like he's asking a real question and waiting for a real answer, and I answer 'yeah, of course'. Looking into the future (with someone). Pretty nice.

Vow of silence

Fuck communication. It's nothing but trouble.

New Mantra

"You already are everything you could possibly want to be. You already have everything you could possibly want."

My mom told me she's having some pre-cancerous cells removed in July. This hurts to the core of my being, but she's in good spirits, so I will be too.

Be supportive.

Don't Give Drugs to a Pregnant Woman

Apparently, the use of some drug called Pitocin is extremely common. When mama's contractions (which are normally dictated by the natural hormones of the body) are not "fast" enough for the hospital, they pump this drug through her IV to get things rolling. This causes longer and more intense contractions; very painful. Oh, pain? You don't want to feel that, let's stick a needle in your spine to make everything better. This Epidural slows down labor, so of course, more Pitocin is needed and the contractions brought on by this dose is not felt, because the Epidural has got you so strung out you don't feel anything. All these drugs and amplified contractions can cause problems for your baby, so it has nothing more to do but than to go into distress, ultimately leading to a cesarean.

If hospitals weren't on a schedule, if the medical system wasn't a business. This would not happen.

Tampering with a woman's natural hormones has critical results. The natural release of oxytocin can't happen. The love-high people describe, the one that makes everything worthwhile, the one that bonds the mother and the baby doesn't happen. As one doctor put it: the mother doesn't have the same kind of love for her child, the same level of interest. The way the world is going, can we survive without love?

I just watched an incredibly moving documentary called "The Business of Being Born". After seeing this, and hearing the experiences of women who come to Bummis, I would never want to give birth in a hospital. Watching women have painful, but also somehow serene home births brought me to tears.

The lack of information that is out there is appalling. Absolutely appalling. Considering all the women giving birth everyday, I'm shocked at what kind of hospital procedures are the norm. Of course, sometimes they are necessary, but I think the rate of unecessary interventions should be seriously considered problematic.

More and more i'm becoming interested in the stories of women, less and less about their stories in relation to the men in their life (not completly of course!). I'm becoming fascinated with how they experience the world, how they feel the world, how they think the world.

Why does society hinder our ability to trust our bodies, and to have others trust our bodies? Why should doubt always be pointed in our direction?

I don't understand why people aren't allowed to feel that they already are everything they want to be: able to give life, able to feel love, able to nurture and more.

Happy Birthdays

Wow. Something amazing has happened and I feel proud.

Last night we celebrated P's birthday with a BBQ and some friends at his place. I was responsible for bringing meat and making desert, so I brought Beef/Bison meat for burgers (delicious!) and made a chocolate loaf with a scoop of ice cream and a raspberry coulis for desert. The whole night was great. We blew huge balloons, I made him a pennant, the house felt festive and the vibe was light between everybody. Everything was great until the moment I started handing the prepared desert plates to everybody. P said something about the desert without thinking (he had had several drinks by that point) that I found very hurtful . It wasn't shouted across the room or anything, just loud enough that my ears picked it up and sent me from zero to one hundred on the angry-o-meter. I stuck a candle on his cake, lit it, and plopped his plate in front of him before bolting to the bathroom.

I got in there and I was fuming. I had to breathe in and out for a couple of minutes just to calm down. I felt like he just crapped on all the effort i put into the desert, the concept of the desert, the presentation and everything. I told myself to calm down and not ruin the party for everyone else. So I went back to the group, but I was cold towards P for a good while after that. We went into the living room and talked and played a game. Finally, with enough laughter my anger subsided.

I soon felt snugly and affectionate towards him. Rustling his hair as I passed by, stopping to give him kisses.

After the party when we were cleaning up the kitchen he asked me if I had fun, I replied 'yes... all the time, except the moment when you made me really really mad.' He stopped and looked at em while I explained that his comment really felt like he didn't appreciate what I did. He apologized and apologized and apologized.

What I like about this situation and what I find amazing is that I told him straight away what bothered me, and I didn't sugar coat it. Normally, I would have said things evasively, but this time I was even somewhat crude: 'I felt like you shit all over my effort!' I said. He got the point. I also really like that I didn't cry. Usually I would think about this, sit with it, analyse it, and get myself all worked up, resulting in a tearful confession. I said what I had to say, we talked, and I didn't feel the weight of my anger anymore. It was great to go through all those feelings and emotions and leave them behind.

I do understand though, that this question of sometimes feeling taken for granted is recurring recently. Don't get me wrong. P is always affectionnate, doing sweet things for me, sending me sweet emails, and being patient and caring. There is lots and lots of good. I just see a trend when it comes to social gatherings. Possibly because he feels out of his comfort zone.. who knows.

Lots of balloons!



Currently I'm obsessed with caribbean, calypso and any song with 'coconut' in it. Summer is here!

Baby Mania!

I've got babies on the brain and I don't like it!

(I blame Joanna )

Everything is Great!

How can that be? I'm not sure, but something in me feels really balanced.

As I typed this, I've just had a conversation with P that made me want to cry.

I told him randomly in a chat that I felt really balanced and that I want to try expressing when I feel balanced as much as when I feel confused. He responded positively. Then I asked him how he's feeling these days -- something I would have done with great hesitation and anxiety, if at all, in the times I felt less balanced vis-a-vis our relationship. He responded 'happy. toi?' and I responded by saying I feel like this:



and he responded with this:



he sent the image instantly, which leads me to believe he saved it somewhere, because he knows i like cute fox pictures.

Okay, okay, can the sentimentalism.

Things are great lately. Probably partly because I've been eating really well, sleeping well, working a lot -- ie. less money worries, making it a point to go outside, taking walks with P instead of sitting around. I've noticed walks are a great way to have a conversation. We chat during our walks, about things we might otherwise not discuss. Probably because walking just created the opportunity. I really like it.

I think I've been eating slightly less sugar (she says with two packages of Pepperidge Farms cookies on her bed), but I'm working on eating more veggies and fruit. It's easy to eat healthy when I make it a point to go to Jean-Talon. Going there makes me want to be so healthy.

In other news, I resolved my jealousy issue. I talked with my mom, she made me realise it was okay to feel what I was feeling, that I just had to go through it, and I did. I even went as far as talking to the person I was jealous of. I spilled my whole beans and left the conversation feeling much better about it; feeling like I had grown up, actually.

I feel sad Vnss is leaving, but I also feel happy that she's embarking on a new part of her life. Hanging around with her these last few weeks made me realise how much I miss her. All we did before was hang out like that : downtown, involving food, often films, and always walking. But Ottawa isn't far, so it'll be alright.

Right now, nothing much is bothering me, and that's a really good feeling. I feel really happy. C'est pas plus compliqué que ça!

Short Love Quotes

Something inside me is good. Calm.

Maybe it's my refocus on home-cooking, a few new articles of clothing, a new perspective? Either way, I've been feeling really good lately.

In an unrelated topic, P was telling me about his friend Smn last night. Smn and his recent but significant girlfriend have been having the usual long-distance relationship troubles. It's too bad it's happening so soon, they've only been together since the Olympics (where they sort of met). My instant reaction was 'P you got to tell them to chill out!' which is funny, because it's a very mellow reaction, especially for me. But we kept talking about it and P said 'I told him that the reason it works so well between us is because we're just relax about everything. We have our own lives, we do what we want, we see each other when we want, we call each other when we want and that's that' (or something along these lines) and what's interesting is that I agreed with him. These days, along with feelings of wanting to marry him, are thoughts that everything is great between us, and the pressure is off.

I like feeling this calm certainty. Or maybe it's not certainty, but it's being okay with the unknown. I feel really present these days.

And besides that, I'm really becoming obsessed with chairs these days... this one makes me swoon.



and this one

A few hours later...

a few things made me feel better:

1. mom
1 b. her fabulous advice
2. this cuteness
3. this reminder blog
4. eating Jamie Oliver's broccoli tagliatelle (a simpler version)

Jealous of Grace

I feel like i'm revisiting previous themes in this post. I've been feeling verrry out of sorts these last few days. Part of that is due to my bike having a flat, me trying to fix it to no avail (rusted wheel!) and needing to spend money to get it fixed. Being unable to fix it frustrates me, and not having a bike to get around with makes me feel weird and lost.

Another part of this is the resurgence of my jealousy, something I'm not proud of at all and ultimately only eats away at me inside. I know it's somehow related to my insecurity, but I have no idea how to begin tackling this beast.

I'm jealous of some people around me. I'm jealous of people who get recognition for things they do (or that they did with me). I'm disappointed that nothing I did this year got recognition.

I'm beating myself up even more for feeling all these things, which I shouldn't.. but somehow I can't help it.



I don't know what to do with myself.

Crazy Thoughts

I have to write these down to get them out of my head!

I've been having these scenarios in my mind, what P and I's life would be like if we spent it together. About wanting to get married. About having kids. I feel really happy when I think about this stuff. I also imagine little (big) things like 'oh maybe P is so nice and patient when I'm having my random existential crises because he wants to be with me forever too!' All my design blogs aren't helping either... all they make me want to do it settle down.

Weird and crazy thoughts. They scare me a little. They are evidence of how invested I'm willing to be in this thing.. I wonder until what point..

I'm also very much aware of the fact that sometimes people break up after years of being together.. and that that could happen to us. But I hope it doesn't.

So Many Possibilities!

I'm excited! I'm geeky! I love it!

I'm super pumped to be doing this journal for Vnss's work. I watched Indesign tutorials today! It was great!

Weeeee!

Montreal Toronto and Back

I've spent the last few days thinking about this toronto-montreal question. The fact that I felt so urgently that I needed to find a way to get to toronto made me begin rethinking that urgency. I found myself thinking 'But if I stay in Montreal, it'll be two more years of this?!' That thought scared me, and made me feel like an asshole. Two more years of what? Awesome friends? Awesome boyfriend? Nice apartment? Reasonable rent? Good job? Good food? Familiarity? What was going on inside my head that made me sweep all that under the 'Toronto Rules' rug?!

Talking to everyone has made me know and feel all the great things I have around me. I don't feel desperate. The desperation I had related to the program has also dissipated. I check course by course what Toronto had vs. what McGill has, and come to find out, they are worded differently, but they are quite similar. I'm still worried that somehow I will miss opportunities by not going to Toronto (job-wise, or connection-wise), but I also think that it's important for me to consider where I want to live and make my life. I'm pretty sure it's not Toronto. Besides, I was thinking it could be cool to go there for a class or two, a workshop or two at some point in the next two years. I could create a link that way.

Another major factor influencing my decision is the fact that by saving all this money, I can have the flexibility to travel a little bit, save money to pay my debt, but more importantly, this money would alleviate some of the urgency I could feel after I graduate. The urgency to take a job, any job, to make my payments could trap me in something bad.

I do have a fear that staying here somehow means stagnating, but i'm not sure that's a fear I should indulge in.

I'm still on the fence. (Feedback from the peanut gallery would be appreciated)

Not Really Sure

A lot has happened in the last few days. I went home saturday night until monday for my grandmother's funeral. The trip was lovely, under the circumstances. I feel like I learned a lot about life. I think now I understand why people are scared of love, because I saw how much it hurts to lose someone you've loved for 30 years.

My grandmother was quite ill towards the end, now I can imagine with more accuracy what it's like to see your parent die. I feel more calm about this situation than I expected, but most of my strong emotions are related to my dad, grampa, and uncles. They all seemed fine on the surface, telling funny anecdotes about the past, but once I hugged them (which I couldn't help but do), and held on for a little bit longer than them, I felt them melt completely. I could feel the tense emotion in their arms and backs and chests loosen. Those were some of the most overwhelming moments I've ever experienced. I think it resulted in a subtle reconnection between me and my family. Particularly in the case of my dad, I feel like most of my heavy baggage has been lifted. I feel it's okay that things are the way they are, because at least he's alive.

This situation has given me perspective on what really matters to me. The bursary I was complaining about not getting last week seems insignificant now.

I also just found out that I am not going to be receiving the Ontario Graduate Scholarship I was counting on to go to UofT. I'm not sad I didn't get the bursary, but I am very disappointed I won't be able to do that program. I'm not sure how much I feel like scrounging around looking for money I may or may not get... when it comes to money on this scale, it arouses nothing but the most acute stress. I'm not sure what to do yet, because I still see many good things about staying in Montreal. Being able to stay in the city where my friends and love are, that is not too far from my family in the east, staying in my pretty and affordable apartment with my roomies, paying next to nothing for school fees, being able to continue working at Bummis part-time, possibly taking courses in the design department at Concordia, developing my design things, and probably more things too. I think part of me wanted 'something different', 'and adventure' and maybe a little 'struggle' (because new things are always a struggle for me), but staying here would also give me a chance to do new things. Saving all this money would allow me to travel more, and sooner. I could always go to Toronto for work later.

My friend Arl told me I should stop playing this 'better-worse' 'first-choice/second-choice' game. Just accept Mcgill, be happy and make something out of it. In a way I think he's right, but when I look at the course selection at that school, it tosses everything in the air.

I'm not really sure how I feel about all this.