I've reached a point in my life: the point where I feel happy. Actually happy. The kind of happiness that made me have tears of joy (!?) for no apparent reason when I got home.
I spent most of my youth crying for different reasons. I remember having these 'I don't know why' conversations and feeling all the weight of those question marks. I spent that time trying to figure out why I was sad, why I couldn't feel happy, why, why, why.. Today a similar feeling of not knowing the sources of my feelings washed over me, but it was radically different. It didn't have all those other questions attached to it. It just felt beautiful. It felt like I could feel all the wonderful things in the world.
The only thing different about this yoga session from the other ones is that we made the corny 'Ohm' sound. The teacher said we could find some things to dedicate our 'ohms' (which are representative of our practice) to something or someone, so that we hold the tradition closer to our heart. The first thing I thought of when I thought of the dedication were three people in my life, then when I let the thought sit in my mind, I felt like the thing I really wanted to dedicate my practice to was myself, my well-being and my mother. The last time we did the 'ohm' I dedicated them to my well-being, my mother and life in general. I'm not usually into this esoteric stuff, but it felt like the only thing I could dedicate it to. Life. Why not?
It hit me how far i've come. This time last year I was having meltdown after meltdown about my relationship with P, because of my insecurities, and many more other reasons. I'm not ready yet to go re-read those posts, because i'm still not ready to accept that I was that person at some point in life. That I was desperate, that I didn't have perspective, that I asked so much of other people (my friends included), that I was holding everything so tightly I wanted to squeeze all the life out of it.
I've gone back and read a few posts about Vncnt -- the height of my desperation before last September. I look at those with a little more kindness. Sometimes they even make me laugh a little. For better or worse, Vncnt really taught me a lot about who i wanted to be (and who I didn't want to be). I don't think I could have ever dreamed of being here if I didn't live that experience with him.
P called me 'Puppy' this weekend. Affectionately, of course. We have lots of little names for each other, most of them he conjures up, but this one felt particularly right. I do feel like a little puppy around him! Happy and excited and giggly and smiley and a little bit too hyper.
It's really nice.
I'd be the one on the right.
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