boys just want to have fun

I've got too many thoughts in my head to write out something that makes sense.

P and I were on a break this week. We came back this weekend and I asked him what he thought about this week. He said 'it's simple, I just want to have fun'.

Too much confusion ensued for me to make sense of it here. I've never come so close to saying 'I can't do this'.

We're speaking two different languages and i'm scared that i'm going to end this because something gets lost in translation.

I say I have no expectations, I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me, I want to take it one day at a time, I want to be in this 100% until it lasts -- for however long that may be.

He says I want to have fun.

Are we saying the same thing in different words?

I have so many questions. I feel like i'm floating. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I've been talking like I know what it's like to be in a relationship... and now i'm rethinking the whole thing. Where we ever in a relationship?

I don't know what to do... this situation has become so complicated I can't even find my compassion.

after a quiet week...

outcomes

I don't like that i've stopped writing here. Sometimes I worry about documenting things as they happen because it makes them feel too real.

P and I are on a break this week.

It was brought on by my asking him what i'm supposed to do with the thing he said in december about him not seeing me in his future. I've been feeling something about his position in the relationship for months, and it was confirmed on saturday when he said he didn't know what he wanted. His internal conflict is also related to his own idea of what love is..

I asked him to sleep on it, and told him I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

I know my limits. I know what answer I need to move forward with him. We'll see what happens on saturday. I'm ready for any outcome.

bouch-bée

Mad Men season four makes me a little bit sad...

The middle!

Two days away from having 3/8ths of my master's done.

One paper to go.

Nice.

Backing Off

Things are going remarkably well these days, I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due by friday and i just started my research tonight. Normally, a major crisis would be happening right now, but instead, I'm only having mild panic attacks.

I've decided I'm going to write my papers my way, about what I care about: compassion, doing good, bringing positivity to the most people possible. Taking it this way makes me feel genuinely excited about these things.

In other news, I had a minor internal tension towards P the other day. I got all rattled up because he doesn't eat as well as I think he should. I know, I know.. "i think he should" is very dangerous territory to trek and I'm trying my hardest to stay away.

I should say though, that he has come around to Jamie Oliver. He has made a number of recipes on his own and really liked them.

I know it's not up to me to feed him, and I don't want to do anything that resembles being a mother, but it makes me sad when he only eats once per day and doesn't take the time to get groceries to eat better. He says it's because he's busy, but... are adults less busy? are adults with full time jobs less busy? are adults with full time jobs and kids less busy? The answer is no, you have to make time to take care of yourself. It makes me sad because I know he enjoys cooking, but I guess he enjoys sleeping and working more than cooking.. for now anyway.

He'll be switching to day shift next week. A whole year of night shift is now coming to an end. Suddenly he's seeing all the benefits of working nights.

I don't like all the negativity I'm hearing in this post, but I had to get it off my chest. I care about him a lot, but he is his own person, and I know he does not like to be told what to do, so I have to back off... and I think that might not be as easy for me as I think.

I suppose I have my own control issues here...

Advice to myself:

Choo-Choo!

That's the sound of a train. I was that train today, happily, and more importantly, productively, chugging along an endless list of work.

Why do I know how good I feel when I do my schoolwork, yet I spend, hours upon hours wasting time not doing that schoolwork? Is it because I like the pressure of getting everything done close to the wire? I never thought I was one of those people, since I shudder at the thought of improvisation. I need to be prepared for school stuff to feel good and satisfied, and happy in some sense.

Today was a great day. I hope I can kick myself into gear tomorrow to have another one.

New Blog!

I've started a design blog. Somewhere for me to expand my ideas about design and keep track of my development.

I haven't worked out the kinks, but I like it minimalist.

This blog will still go on, cause i'm still going to need a place to vent and be neurotic, but the other blog might be a little more put-together. Or at least I hope it will be.

Check it out.

http://adeleflannery.tumblr.com/

Baby Posters!

Posters are really awesomely fun to make, especially when they're in a series. Series are awesome. It's really fun and tricky to make something different but cohesive.

For Bummis I tried to stay in primary colors but make it a little grown up. The posters they had in the past have been... atrocious. I think these are an improvement.



Baby-land is seriously lacking some smart design. Strollers, highchairs, clothes, toys, most of them are kind of offensive to look at with all their colors and strange shapes. It seems like no thought whatsoever has gone behind it. Of course, there are some exceptions, but in general, it's a pretty sad state of affairs.

I should really be working on the assignments that are due and not thinking about the bad design of baby-land..

Food!

At first glance, I have trouble swallowing art that relates to food, and more specifically wasting food. This woman's art (and profession) is pretty interesting. I also like her candidness. When she says at the end that she's forty, I'm like 'waaaa?'. People like that make me excited to get older.

I like this place called Eataly in New York. Superstar chef Mario Batalli is involved. I had never heard of it until now, but it looks very cool.

Jennifer Rubell - An Artist Who Uses Food as Her Canvas from Gestalten on Vimeo.