Hug You Hug Me

Today was one of those 'Ouff' days. 'Ouff' I've got a lot of work to do. 'Ouff' I feel tired. 'Ouff' putting this off is only making it worst.

I'm lacking the right word, but I declared today a pity day. I felt dumb. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I wouldn't be able to get my act together and pull some solid work out of myself. Compounded by the fact that I have no theses for my 3 upcoming projects, I see stress beginning to rear its ugly head.

I'm considering skipping a class or two. Today would have been the day to do it, but I couldn't bring myself to. I was on g-chat at some point, and Vncnt was too. He said 'hey' and asked how I was. I related to him the second paragraph of this post and his response surprised me. It was sweet encouragement: "pobre tita" which translates to "pauvre petite (in a sympathic manner)". I was surprised. It was the gchat equivalent of a hug (in the world of Adl).

He is (more and more) becoming an Adl kind of friend, meaning, details, details, details. The kind who explains why they called you back late, or who gives me the rundown of their whole day (including times, people and places). I become an open book with friends, and often expect the same. Details are crucial for me. They are often the only way I can really understand what they're telling me.

He said he had fencing practice, but that we could bike home together after my class. Those (biking home together) are the things I do with friends. I think he may have found them silly before, but he seems to be opening up to these small gestures now.

He's being really nice. I mean, as we were biking up he asked: "How did your day end up?" I said: 'Better" to which he responded, "good." I'm watching him growing into a beautiful friend.

I feel really good about this situation. I've let go of so much of my neuroses about this. When we hang out and have fun, I usually leave the situation thinking: 'Gee, that was fun!' and 'I wish I could tell you I love you, but it's okay that I can't, right now.' I was thinking about asking him if it would be okay to hug him sometimes.

I'm trying to force myself to connect with people. I don't touch people. Ever. The only person who touches me (hugs and stuff) regularly is Vnss. It's so nice to hug people. Hugging Jl's friend Nk after our first meeting was the best thing I could have ever done. Because I meant it. I shouldn't be afraid of meaningful hugs.

I'm really scared about this hugging thing. This probably scares me more than anything else right now..

Adèle, age 6

I always thought I grew up too fast. I was told I was an old soul at a young age, or at least, a cynical soul and cynicism is seldom associated with children (even though it seems to be more commonly said in sitcoms -- Arrested Development, Maebe?).

Why is it that with certain people or in certain situations we find ourselves thrown back into childlike emotions?

I’m referring to a specific Port incident: illegally consumed by Sm, Vncnt and myself on a faithful Friday night. It belonged to Jcq. I’m not one to tamper with the goods of my fellow roommates, but for some reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time. (I should say, we had about 2 oz. each)

When I came home late from school and got the cold shoulder (for no apparent reason), I began wondering what was up. Then Sm told me he told Jcq, I felt the pangs of guilt. Not because it was consumed by me or Sm, but because now he knew Vncnt was in on the action.

The cowardly thing to do was to avoid the situation. I wasn’t there – as far as I knew, nothing had been said, nobody knew anything. But then I thought: ‘What’s the mature way of dealing with this?’ Answer: straight on.

I went up to Jcq in his room. Said: “Jcq.. sorry we drank some of your Port the other night... I’ll get you some more. It wasn’t my idea but.. I participated in it.” He said: “It’s.. okay...” then I said: “well.. okay.. but, I know you always say that to people but you stay mad at them..” To which he responded how he didn’t like us eating his fancy stuff, and we could have just called him to ask instead. A reasonable response.

The thing was. When I went up to him, and the few minutes leading up to it. I felt shame. The shame of a child. The word that came to mind was: orgueilleuse. But then I really put my finger on it when I read: honte. I had that twisted stomach feeling. And for what? Nothing important (in the grand scheme of things).

I was disappointed that it was so hard for me (still) to apologize for things done wrong. I was surprised at how my instinct was to revert to a childlike cowardess. The worst is blaming someone else. I did that a little bit: I turned my (semi-) anger towards Sm. “WHY did you do that!!??”, I said to him. I shouldn’t have.

It’s strange how I need to remind myself to take responsibility for my actions or my words. One of my worst fears is to be(come) a coward.

I'm So Hungry I Could Die

Mighty Mchl's presence prompted a supper at Vncnt's last night. It was really, really fun. Comfortable and light.

I've been feeling like this most of the time I spend with V lately. Much of my fear has faded, which means, I can function as my normal self with him now.

I felt like I could listen to Mchl, Gnvr and Vncnt talk and laugh all night. Agns' call made it even better. It reminded me of the summer...

"That Guy? -- He's Not My Boyfriend"

I think I have reached a zen state (vis à vis V) that has yet to be paralleled.




Okay okay... this is the story: Last night he and I went to a party of one of Vnss's friends from school. It was a 'The Office' themed party. At first I hesitated, but then thought, why not?! There should be lots of cuties there.

I had already made plans to make supper for Vncnt (it turned out sub-par) but then I thought 'Hey, why not invite him, and see what happens'. So I did, and he (suprisingly) agreed. I got in my pretty BR dress with heels! I was lookin' pretty cute, so there was no way I could feel bad. V raced to his house to change into his suit and bowtie (so cute), and we walked over. It was really nice walking around with him like that.. having people think we're a couple.

We get to the party, go in and start mingling (mostly with Vnss, but whatever, it stills counts). I felt fine.. calm for some reason.. he seemed calm too. So we chatted with some percussionists, I talked with Vnss's friend and we all had a jolly time.

Towards the end of the night (we probably spent about an hour there), Vncnt was itching to leave. He came over to the couch and sat beside me after we moved over to make space. It was really nice.. just to be next to him. At some point he had his arm behind me. Not on me or anything, but just behind.. (I realized later this was definetly to be sitting more comfortably but still!)..

At some point, Vnss's friend said something to me like: "Is your boyfriend is library science?" and I said: "Who? That guy?! He's not my boyfriend.. hehe although, I love him.. but.. he doesn't love me back.. so here we are!" I found it really humorous. It felt like I was someone else. Someone with confidence.

It was a lovely party, but I'm glad we left when we did. We walked home. I was feeling really romantic. The only thing missing was hand-holding. But it's okay.

Most of the time, lately, I really feel like he wants to be in a relationship. But he doesn't want to say it out loud or something. I feel good about the time we spend together. It doesn't sting as much as before. I feel like I'm not afraid of saying anything anymore.

I know I'm biased, but, he's actually being really wonderful lately. He gives me compliments frequently, he makes me feel like I am important in his life, he listens more and asks questions.. It's nice.

I still feel like I'm at this place now where I want to share. I know that right now he can't in the ways that I need him to. I've still got my eyes open. In fact, I'm planning on checking out two guys from my classes at the CSA party. I've decided that it's okay if I randomly interact with people. So I'll try.

I've been craving.. a winter coat.. and a comfy bed (see above).

The Cool Kidz

I am so going to have kids that dress in black and white avant-garde eco-friendly clothes. They're going to be cooler than me.

I Meant to Report on this a Few Days Ago

This is very cool.

I'm off to Loyola!

All Play and No Work

Makes Adl a dull girl.

As this title indicates, I haven’t been giving my geeky 127% at school. I’ve been feeling stressed, but I realized the best thing to do when one is stressed is to work. Things pile up too easily. Also swimming helps. I had noticed a reduction of happy thoughts recently, but when I went swimming (it took two or three times) I felt a renewed jolly feeling.

I must say, there’s not much going on. I haven’t had so much time to find cool things online. Or maybe my fascination has worn off (slightly). Although when I saw these, I couldn’t resist:




Vnss and I will (likely) be attending an "office party" themed party tomorrow night. It should be packed with cuties. I will be cute in my Banana Republic dress and heels, but (as always) my awkwardness will shine through.

I've been feeling okay about my recent Vncnt revelation (see previous posts). I am able to be in his presence and speak honestly. Something I appreciate tremendously. He's still pretty wonderful. I've been feeling somewhat sad that my logic (ie. deciding that masochism doesn't suit me for extended periods of time) has overrun my passion. That's the thing with me: I've got to talk about things to get over them.

I feel like going to New York, or Philadelphia, or Chicago or Atlanta. Or Paris.. Or Spain.. I feel like it's possible too.



I've been listening to The Velvet Underground a lot.

It's cold here. So cold I can't accept it. I wasn't ready for it. I made a hearty soup to prepare myself. Soups are the best. So easy and delicious.

ImissYouandSometimesIfeelsillyAboutIt.

The Birds of a Feather

I hope we all stay friends for 87 years.

HOLT! In the Name of Love

We went to Nocochi on Mckay and Sherbrooke for delicious teas. They were so good they made me want to give up coffee. Vanessa had Tropical Green Tea, and I had Caramel Green Tea. Simply divine! It was a very chic morning.

Followed by a chic shopping spree at Holt Renfrew. We unexpectedly found two lovely dresses. Vnss's is a yellow 50's style piece of gorgeousness. Mine is a 40's style cocktail dress. It's TopShop by Kate Moss. It's navy blue and looks like this:



Well minus the Kate. But, you know. It's pretty sexy for something I own. Vnss suggested I wear it at the next CCA (Canadian Centre for Architecture) party. This is beautiful people central. They all beautifully dressed, smart and attractive. It's a little bit surreal.

After my epiphany, having this pretty dress makes me feel like a million bucks.

Silly Little Monkey

Whoa, today I had an epiphany. Well.. today and yesterday, in fact. It was during my specialization seminar. We had profs come in to talk about academic publishing: The Canadian Journal of Film Studies and Intermedialités, to name a few. This class always motivates me to be awesome. It gives me a sense of clarity. It reminds me how much I love what I’m studying.

In the same way, I went to talk to my prof today: the renowned Carole Zucker. I talked about a text I’m teaching to the class with a partner. Then I went on to ask her about her graduate studies at NYU. She said it was good at the time she was there, but that things have changed a lot. I told her about my film preservation angle, and she encouraged me to look at schools in England. She said the teaching style is different there and that I could probably get a grant if money was an issue. It was really nice; she said “you’re made for graduate school”. Then she said something like, “come see me more often about this graduate school thing”.. this is so awesome.

At this point, I’m totally confused about graduate school, but in such a lovely way.

Oh yeah! This is totally unrelated to my epiphany. Well.. let’s say, feeling good about school led me there. I realized, I think I can handle being Vncnt’s friend. I had the following feeling today: everything’s going to be ok. I’m not going to be broken because of him. (The big epiphany was this: ) He’s not good for me! I’M not good for me when he’s in the picture. I’m always bending for him. I want to be good to me, because there are certain things in life that are more important to me than him. Graduate school being one.

I think I’m going to tell him. I think I’ll say something like: I’m going to be ok. You don’t need to worry about this. We can be grand old friends.

I mean, I’ll secretly be thinking: ‘Man, look at what you’re missin’!’ and ‘Dude, in 15 years, you’re going to be in love with me.. but hey, I might not want you then. So there!”



Unrelated: My love of NY has again been restored. Fuck I love that city.

That's a wrap!

The campaign is over. Little V racked up around 2390 votes.

I continue to be a little distressed by our current arrangement. My boss told me 'love's not about the person, it's about timing.' As much as I wanted to argue this statement, I think there's some truth to it.

That being said, I have yet to resign from my post as V-devotee. (Man, writing that makes me feel really dumb and pathetic: this is good, since it is likely the only way I will get over him).

Today, post-semi-disastrous-presentation, I went to the FOFA gallery in the EV building. I was killing time waiting for Vnss for us to go to Mickey Dee's. As I'm walking down the hall towards the exist, I spot a familiar face in the crowd. I look for a split second before turning my head to the wall next to me (it had art on it). It's Nantucket! We hadn't spoken in real life since the first time we met. But then there was the recent facebook msg exchange and the vernissage invitation. Anyway, I'm too shy to initiate an interaction, so I keep walking along listening to my ipod. I'm cool with it, I'm just walking. He's walking towards me, then he stops, turns around, and walks next to me for one second before I notice he is. Then he taps me on the shoulder with his papers. I say 'Oh hi! How are you?' he says: good, you (or something). I'm thinking.. oh shit, what to say? what to say!!!? Then I say: 'I went to the plant thing' he says: oh yeah.. (discouraged) I say: "it was cool, but not as cool as the other one". He says: "well actually, I didn't like it, it didn't work". I say: "well.. I didn't notice". He says: "yeah (or soemthing).." I say: "so got any other projects?" Then he talks about the same thing in a square in Shanghai. He says it's sort of big. I say : "Shanghai, wow, cool". Then I feel my phone vibrating in my hand (I was waiting for Vnss's call). It rings once.. I'm about two seconds from awkardness. I look at my phone as he's saying something, I say: 'oh sorry, I really have to take this' he says: 'oh yeah cool, i've got a midterm' I say: 'oh ok, good luck' he says bye I say bye.

It was fun. He has a very calm demeanor. He speaks sort of slowly and thoughtfully. I was feeling pretty good about it. Then to top it off, I got to my film class a while later, and who sits next to me? None other than this other guy I noticed two years ago. I noticed him in my class, and last time at the CSA party. If he's at the next CSA party, I will try to talk to him.

I feel like being an artist and having an art show. I want to have a libraries and archives related art show. I was thinking it could be fun to go buy old school textbooks and pile them up. They would be interlocked into each other though, so it would be a bit of a balancing act. I also wouldn't mind doing something relating to letters, typography, numbers, formulas, systems of organization, and stuff like that. This idea is growing out of my previous mathy-art idea. I've come to the conclusion that although I know there is lots of beauty to be found there, it's just not something I can wrap my head around. And besides, I don't have any mathy boyfriends to help me, so...

It's gonna be for me!

Here's some nice pictures I found

Also, the more Dan Stefik talks about Antonioni, the more I'm convinced he's the best director of all time. Monica Vitti is my idol:

Bye Bye Boysies!

The boys'll be outta town this weekend. Sweet freedom!

I did the interview with the guy at 24 Images. I really don't like interviewing. Not even a little bit. Even though, hearing people talk is kind of interesting. I guess I just don't like the responsibility of steering the conversation. This is kind of weird too, since, in life.. I'm always interrupting..

I was at Mcgill this morning. I love that campus. I called Vncnt earlier because I was having a print card crisis, he was, simultaneously having a mini-crisis, so we didn't talk in the moment. But I called back after my interview to see if he survived his crisis, he did, and he was sitting around the corner eating. So I joined him for about 20 minutes. It was really great. (I hear you Ll! -- don't say it) ; ) We talked a bit. It was light and fun.

Vnss suggested I go forth agressively. I think I will. I'm just going to pretend that the g-chat conversation never happenned, and keep seeing him until I get sick of myself and get over it. I think this makes sense. I've got to get my heart out of it, and that will happen when I'm ready for it to happen.

I'm feeling very zen about it.

He's like an imaginary boyfriend.

Enough is enough

Pow Pow Pow!

Okay, I've read the previous post enough times.. too many times. I cry every time, so I'm going to stop reading it.

I'm in a surprisingly cheery mood at the moment. After a somewhat stressful school day, things are coming together. I was worried I wouldn't be able to get an interviewee for a magazine revue I need to do (next wednesday -- eek!), but thankfully, the graphic artist responded to me. I actually think this is way more interesting than any old regular contributor. Although, some have been writing for over a decade, and would probably have some good insight into the world of film criticism.

We had some ex-Concordians come by today to tell us what they've been doing since they graduated. It was pretty interesting. I'm wondering if relocating to a smaller town would be a good idea.. Although, I'm thinking I've got a whole lot of education I want to pursue before that which wouldn't be possible there.

I've been proud of myself lately for talking to people -- in class, in the hall, at meetings. I'm trying to get 'with it'. Even though I would like to be that quiet, brilliant girl in the corner, I have been finding it interesting getting people's views on film stuff. I think I've differentiated myself enough with my interest in archives, so I suppose I don't feel threatened as much. But I tell ya, if there was another film archives student around, it would be mad competition.

I'm pretty pumped about writing essays again. This time it's going to be Antonioni. I'm thinking something about vision, perception, and other stuff that needs to be ironed out. I forget that this class is essentially about Author theory. I love (!) Author theory. I've gotta prove it.

fucken sweet. http://imca.concordia.ca/schedule.html

If I was a typeface, I would be Max Kerning.




A little burdy once called me Robin.

Oh Otis...

The following is the g-chat conversation I had with Vncnt tonight. I blame it on Otis.

1:04 AM you gotta listen to it all, for the full effect

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91x2muKM_k&feature=related

I was never a believer..

Sm echoed a comment Agns made at the end of the summer about how we see some men as gods.

Sm made the comment that I see V as some sort of God, in this case, because he corrected a little french blurb I had to write. It's really annoying, because I agree with him. In many ways, I do see V as this ultimate being of perfection. Rationally, I have no idea why... but, if you think about it, he is pretty impressive. I mean, I think he has spent time working on himself to be impressive. He's good at lots intellectual pursuits, he's good at most sports, he's charismatic, he's pretty, he's got the mysterious-unavailable thing going for him..


(I hate myself so much for writing a post about how great I think he is.. I'm hoping in doing so, some negative qualities will surface.)

I mean, in some sense, it's kind of impressive that someone can know how to manipulate people so well. Case and point: me. There's this ugly part of me that lets myself be treated like a puppet. My only attempt to justify this is that, in the past, I've never been much of a subordinate player, the job was shared. That was the first requirement. I suppose because these past players respected me more? I've been told (and have seen how) my behavior can turn into abusive (the word is perhaps a tad strong) relationships. I don't want to be like that, but I'm totally deluding myself into the idea that we've got something equal going on. It's not. That's the bottom line. I give everything. I get nothing. I'm left depressed because he suddenly leaves, in tears because of the sight (or thought) of any girl in his vicinity.

I've never been this pathetic (and insecure). I don't understand how I got here.. although, I feel like it had something to do with the asshole (Mtt) last year (who keeps sending me annoying mass emails!). I don't understand how one guy, one date, could throw EVERYTHING out of wack. I'm probably giving him too much power this way, and V too. Maybe I'm just caught up in self-pity.

I look around me (in reality and otherwise) and a lot of the time, I see women broken.. women struggling to be strong. I'm tired for them. It's unbelievable the crap these wonderful women are put through.. and most of the time, for nothing.

I've got to get some old-school feminist anger back! Even though, I have a hard time swallowing that stuff sometimes. I suppose what I mean by feminist anger is strength. I could never be angry to the same point.. it just doesn't suit me. I need to be affirmative. I need to not give a shit. I need to stop bending backwards. I need to stop believing bullshit. I need to believe that I deserve something better than that.

The thing I think about V is, as much as I feel like I'm in love with him, I feel sad about the idea of having put myself through all of this 'for' him. I wish it could have been equal. I wish I didn't have to badger someone into liking me.

Although, as discussed with another V, nice guys -- they sort of finish last.

Why the fuck are we such masochists!?

Fuck this shit.

J'ai un Petit Secret..

Ah! Comme J'aime Les Français..

Just watched Broken English (again). It's like therapy. So is this blog. I'm aware that I'm repetitive here. I suppose that's the point. It's a bit of a monologue.

Let it go. Just let it go. Everything's going to be fine. Let it go. Just let him go.

I just had a sudden burst of appreciation for life... and space suits.

Agns is comin' to town! Yipee!

In all seriousness

I'm teeterring between wanting to say 'I hate you! I hate all of you (men)!' and 'I'm sad, and hurt, and confused, and wish I had the will-power to push you away and get a hold of myself.'

I need to let it go. Focus on me. I've got lots of cool studying to do this weekend, a good meal to prepare for Monday, many things need to be done. I'm just not going to think about his sudden departure, and how it pierced my heart with a fiery dagger.

I've got to think about the fun that I had with Vnss, the sweeet twenty dollar bill we found on the floor, and the wonderful tipsy haze that currently envelops my brain.

There are good things in this world. Not everything needs to be complicated. Not everything needs to mean something. There might ne more meaning in what I snack on right now that anything else that has happenned to me over the last month.

Prioritize. Prioritize. Prioritize.