New York State of Mind

Just got back from a 4 day trip to NYC with P. Five consecutive nights, four consecutive days, 24 hours per day -- the longest amount of time we've ever spent together. It was absolutely wonderful. Everything about the trip -- except my shoes -- was wonderful. The weather was nice, we did so much stuff! : MoMA, kebabs in Grand Central Station, lounging on the Top of the Rockefeller, hot dogs in Battery Park, Staten Island Ferry for the Statue of Liberty, Staten Island, Wall street, Dakota Building, Central Park, Upper West Side, Greek Restaurant, Lincoln Performing Arts center for coffee, The 39 Steps on Broadway, Union Square, delicious pizza on 14th street, finally finding a greek cup I've been looking for for years, IFC for The Art of the Steal, street food on an alley in Greenwich village, chocolate cake and cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery, burgers and fries at Dumont in Brooklyn, bed, sleep, an 8 hour car ride back to the city with P singing songs and me giggling or sleeping, a brief goodbye and (poof!) here I am.

They say when you travel with someone you get to see another side of this person, the "new" side I saw of P (which wasn't really new, but only more pronounced) was his bottomless patience. When we got to Manhattan and the GPS conked out on us because of the sky scrappers he stayed cool, calm and collected despite all the chaos going on around us. When we finally made it to Brooklyn and we missed turn after turn, he just said "so what's the next street?" in a sweet voice and kept singing.

We didn't get lost for the most part, but on the first night, I was somewhat delirious from hunger and we were not in the right neighborhood for food, but he never got pushy or irritated despite the fact that we walked three (big) blocks in the wrong direction (and despite the fact that the resto I was looking for was closed by that time). He was as happy as a clam the whole time and so was I. It was incredibly easy to be happy around him. We made funny noises and held hands as we walked briskly around town. Both our feet killing us.

Overall, I think i've learned a lot more about P's rhythm in life. Although he's a go-getter when it comes to his work, he's really more a savourer when it comes to life. He inspired calm in me the whole time. It was quite wonderful and now I feel really centered, calm, undramatic. As we parted he said "see you soon" and I thought "it's okay, i'll see you when I see you (and I love you)". I know I shouldn't be projecting into the future too much, but now I really believe that if a long distance relationship is in the cards for us, we'll get through it.

I will put up pictures as soon as I can. I took my camera, so it takes a bit of time to get the film developed. He liked NY, which I'm happy about, considering I've been in love with that city ever since I can remember -- though I think now I'm more of a Brooklyn kind of gal. Oh to renovate a beautiful brownstone.. oh to dream..

Mixed Feelings News

I get home and my roommates asks me if I received his text. I say no. He says, 'you got a letter', I look over to my bed, and there it is, a white 8.5 by 11 envelope sitting on my bed. I walk over to it. It's from the University of Toronto. Something in me says, 'I can't open it'. I wait a few minutes then I do. I got accepted to the program. It doesn't really feel like anything, though I know it should be an exhilarating moment. All I can think in my head is 'it doesn't matter if I get accepted or not, I need that scholarship to be able to go'. That thought takes the wind out of the moment. I call P, he's excited, he congratulates me, I call my mom, she does the same, and reassures me that everything financial will fall into place.

I hope she's right. I know around this time the Ontario Graduate Scholarship awards are supposed to be announced. I figure it's not a bad idea to go on their website to check the status of my application. Something I forbade myself to do before because I knew it would just turn into an obsession. I get on the website, go through the random usernames and passwords I never remember and get to a page where i'm asked to select an option. My eyes look around the page lightning fast and I select the first option I see starting with an 'O', because my application is the OGS. It informs me that 'You currently have no 2009-2010 files online'. My mind is sent into the most intense tailspin i've felt in a long time. Suddenly, the acceptance I got from Toronto was no longer an option, it was forbidden to think about, my whole future was ripped apart in two seconds.

I decide to write a post about the absurdity of life, and it's unfairness, and my disappointment. I want to quote the line that sent me into shock correctly, so I go back to the site (after having done so several times before, as if in disbelief) and for some reason, my eyes aren't so quick to scan the page. I see 4 options, one of which is the OGS option, my option. I click on it and it brings me to a page informing me that my application has been received and is complete. I will find out the results after april 14th.

I cry from the shock of the whole situation. I had no idea I had so much pent-up anxiety about this. I thought my anxiety was all out in the open. Turns out, when everything collapses in one instant, my anxiety is infinitely more acute. Now my eyes are burning, my nose is stuffed and my heart is finally slowing down from the whole thing.

I can't believe this world, in all it's greatness and disastrousness.

Oh Mom

Twice this week, I almost died. Once I went to heaven. It was after smelling my clothesline dried towels. So lovely. The time I almost died, though, that was a few minutes after I get a call from a nice sounding lady called Rose. She informs me that I am, in fact, six credits short of graduation. Then waterfalls came rushing out of my eyeballs. How can this be? How is this possible? I'm so organized! I've been planning this since my first semester! I saw advisers twice last year! This CAN'T BE HAPPENING! Indeed it was, and would be for another three days, since nobody in academia works on fridays.

Basically what I think has happened is a huge misunderstanding. I was told twice that I could graduate in december. I don't know what these profs were thinking when they told me this, but I always left those meetings feeling great, feeling ahead of the game. Why rush things? Why not spread it out over two semesters? Sure enough I did, but then in january I thought: why waste the money on three classes, when I really only need one? All this to say that they didn't realize until last friday that something was wrong with my file, sending me in a panic with not much hope. I'm so over undergraduate studies. I need to get out of here. I can't spend any more time and money here.

This whole thing has sucked the romanticism out of graduation in such huge proportions.

In other news, the week passed by really quickly, which is nice for a change. I was busy trying to console my friend Lé. Trying to tell her that things happen for a reason, even breakups. I think she needs to spend some time alone. I sure did, and I'm pretty sure it helped me mellow out (what does that say!?).

I've got a presentation tomorrow, in french. I've got my lecture notes and everything, but I don't feel ready to say all these things. To formulate sentences.. to express ideas.. in french.. in front of a whole room of.. frenchies. When it's done though, it'll be done and I won't have to think about it. Off to NYC I will go with my sweet P. Four consecutive days together, 24 hours per day, I can't wait!

I really want to find one of those greek coffee cups. And get some Magnolia cupcakes. And run into SJP in the street. I'm bringing my camera for sure this time!

My mom says she wants us to go when I graduate from my MA. I think I would rather go to India or Turkey with her. I wish I had more pictures of her when she was young.

Sweet Suppers

I really feel like having a small gathering with a table dressed like this, except there would be another table with sweets on it, and another table with things to make mini snadwiches with.

Epiphanies and Pompons

Today was a great day! I woke up, took it easy until I went to work at 11, wore a cute outfit, had a coffee date with P and our friend Arl, talked about film, and then had a wonderful epiphany. I've been thinking a lot lately about what my passion is, what I can do with my interests, my talents and my time, and I think I've found a direction. For some reason, the word 'design' was in my mind when I visualized my (ideal) future but I couldn't put my finger on anything satisfactory. I've dabbled in graphic design for about 4 years now, but I've never felt the urge to change career directions for this. Now I think I've found something that makes sense: art direction/production design!

This thought just occurred to me tonight, so of course I haven't thought out the nuances of the job, but I think there is something there, something I can do with my hands, and my heart, and my creativity. I don't want to change direction in my MA, I still really want to do archiving, but perhaps I could give it a try as a hobby. I feel like I'm good at putting things together (this is what I do as a layout editor and editor of the cinema journal). There's something about art direction that I think would touch my emotional side, rather than my thinking side, which I really like. When I was discussing this with Arl he told me to look into art history and color theory. I can just collect images in my mind and call them up when I need them. This is very exciting. I love it when things make sense.

Today we made pompons at work. I made a mini one and put it in my hair.

Open Heart

I just got back from visiting P's family with him this weekend. His mom won tickets to a hockey game so he and his papa went to it, while me and his mama stayed home, baked cookies and watched Gilmore Girls.

I had some very personal talks with her this time. She's the kind of person who's very interested in people and likes talking, so I can't help but eventually spill all my beans. This time though, I got some insight into her life and her marriage. She often says things like 'i'm not perfect' and 'everybody's got a story' but I never would have guessed to what extent she meant it. I appreciated the fact that she shared the difficulties she has had in her marriage. I often feel like I'm alone in my relationship struggles, when in fact, all relationships have struggles. She also said some things about her husband that rang true for P, which I thought was interesting.

The bulk of our discussion though was about following your creativity and putting yourself first. I told her I struggle to reconcile putting myself first with having a relationship. In a way, she didn't reassure me about anything : "Would P not go somewhere or do something because of you?" "no" "then neither should you!" But the conversation did go as far as discussing children. She said "P will want a family at some point in his life; he'll want all the things he had when he grew up. Besides, he loves holidays too much not to have a family."

I think she and P are very similar in their work ethic. She said to me, "you know, P will work a lot no matter what he's doing" and she's right. She also said something like 'you have to love the those things about him'. I think I know what she means by this, but I'm afraid I couldn't love someone wanting to be away from me, that seems destructive and hopeless.

All in all it was a lovely weekend. Lying around, eating, sleeping, watching GG. It was nice to spend three nights with P. At some points, I was excited to put myself first and get things going in my life. I need to keep that feeling.

I'm glad today I'm okay with life questions.

My stepdad will have open heart surgery. Fingers crossed to the max that everything goes well (and that he's able to turn his life around). What a second chance.