Open Heart

I just got back from visiting P's family with him this weekend. His mom won tickets to a hockey game so he and his papa went to it, while me and his mama stayed home, baked cookies and watched Gilmore Girls.

I had some very personal talks with her this time. She's the kind of person who's very interested in people and likes talking, so I can't help but eventually spill all my beans. This time though, I got some insight into her life and her marriage. She often says things like 'i'm not perfect' and 'everybody's got a story' but I never would have guessed to what extent she meant it. I appreciated the fact that she shared the difficulties she has had in her marriage. I often feel like I'm alone in my relationship struggles, when in fact, all relationships have struggles. She also said some things about her husband that rang true for P, which I thought was interesting.

The bulk of our discussion though was about following your creativity and putting yourself first. I told her I struggle to reconcile putting myself first with having a relationship. In a way, she didn't reassure me about anything : "Would P not go somewhere or do something because of you?" "no" "then neither should you!" But the conversation did go as far as discussing children. She said "P will want a family at some point in his life; he'll want all the things he had when he grew up. Besides, he loves holidays too much not to have a family."

I think she and P are very similar in their work ethic. She said to me, "you know, P will work a lot no matter what he's doing" and she's right. She also said something like 'you have to love the those things about him'. I think I know what she means by this, but I'm afraid I couldn't love someone wanting to be away from me, that seems destructive and hopeless.

All in all it was a lovely weekend. Lying around, eating, sleeping, watching GG. It was nice to spend three nights with P. At some points, I was excited to put myself first and get things going in my life. I need to keep that feeling.

I'm glad today I'm okay with life questions.

My stepdad will have open heart surgery. Fingers crossed to the max that everything goes well (and that he's able to turn his life around). What a second chance.