it's about time

Wow... no posts for the past 20 days...

I even thought about retiring this little old blog.. it made me sad to think that I had reached a point that I wanted to avoid my thoughts. So I decided not to retire it, and somehow, here I am.

A lot has happened in the last 20 days. P and I are still together. We broke up temporarily for one night, but went back on our decision. There's something holding us together, i'm sort of struggling to figure out what it is, and sort of okay with not knowing.

All of my thoughts and feelings these days are dictated by this incredible stress i'm feeling about school...

So much stress I can't even really articulate thoughts anymore. So far it has just affected my brain, not my attitude.

More on this.. in small doses.

I found it

I had been looking for my compassion for a few days now, and i finally found it.

I realized everything that's going on with P is putting a lot of pressure on me. I've decided to stop thinking about it for a few days and let the answer come to me when i'm ready.

We had dinner last night and everything felt fine. Not superb, obviously, but generally good.

There's also part of me which wants to at least enjoy a little bit of the fact that he's now day-shift, and what it would be like to have a relationship on a normal schedule.

I deserve that. I want to know what it feels like. And I want to stop pressuring myself to make a decision because it's not making it any easier on me.

Just go with the flow. New mantra.