Spontaneous Heart Combustion

I don't know what it feels like for real, but every time I read these conversations, or even some of my more désespéré past posts, it feels close to heart failure. I feel like I lose the rhythm of the sentences. The words break off and lose their meaning. I find myself unable to understand them or to use them to communicate. Maybe it's closer to being in a foreign country and not knowing the language.

Either way, this is the conversation I had with Vncnt that made me say: "I can't do this anymore"

The reason I didn't respond is because I was unable to muster anything. What I really wanted to say was: "I wish you would just tell me to fuck off", but that's precisely why I couldn't type it.

So, I'm not sure if it's as simple as this, but I don't want to talk about him, hear about him, or write about him anymore.

I'm done.

Andy Williams is my last consolation.. but really, he's only making things worse right now.

From Anderson to Zucker

My prof is awesome. I sent her this email:

"Hi Carole,

what's up? I'm sitting in the mcgill library, making notes in my script (I'm trying to draw pictures in it to help you - and me - follow my train of thought).

I was thinking about this deadline, and how it's looming. I was thinking about how awesome it is that I get to do a paper on The Tenenbaums, but I was also thinking that it would be awesommer if it wasn't due to be handed in so soon. I'm not one to ask for extensions, but I thought that I would ask you if you thought it would be a wise decision to ask for one, so that my paper could be awesommer. (I promise I won't use the word 'awesommer' in it)

I'm really plugging away at it, and it's going well, but things could always go better, no? I understand deadlines exist for a reason, and I never thought I would be "one of those students" who asks for deadline adjustments.

I thought I would ask you what you thought about it. So, whaddaya think?

how does one end such an email?

Who knows,
adele"


and she sent me this reply:

"Hi Adele,

Giving you an extension is not a problem if you feel you need it. I will be leaving for Florida to visit me old dad on December 8th ( a Monday), so if you'd like until Dec. 16th to finish the paper (I will return on the 15th), that is doable.How does that sound?

Best,
CZ"

I didn't want to ask for an extension. I debated it for a few days, but I thought, 'better suffer the embarrassment of asking, than suffer the embarrassment of a sub-par essay'. Besides, this baby is worth 75% of my grade. Killer.

So I'm now going through the grueling process of comparing, line by line, the script to the film. I hope it turns out to be a good essay. I found this interesting article on patriarchy in Wes Anderson's films, but since this is a case study, I'm not sure if I'll be able to work it into my angle (which I have yet to figure out).

School rules. Profs are amazing. I just better not make a habit of this... I love Concordia.

Eric Chase Anderson seems like a pretty cool dude.

In the meantime, I'm going to walk home and consume ridiculous amounts of chocolate, sugar and butter in the form of a flourless cake, frozen deliciousness.

'Vivre Sa Vie' and 'Me as Jealous Julie'

I'm in the middle of writing a short essay on Vivre sa vie by Godard. I hope this one is more successful than my last attempt at explaining Godard. This is one of the more pleasant of his films I've seen. My essay is going relatively well. This is the film with this beautiful shot of Anna Karina.



Went over to Vncnt's briefly, while he was having tea and oranges with Gnvr. We talked about some things, jealousy among them. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I could be jealous of the people who hang out with my friends. He said it means that one is possessive of their friends, and that to possess someone is impossible. I mean, I am sort of possessive, I guess... but I'm not sure how that's a bad thing. I brushed it off by saying it was a matter of personality, and maybe it is, but I think what I meant was, it's a matter of how much you care for your friends to begin with. It's also a matter of security. I'm coming to terms with my insecurity and it somewhat worries me that I can be insecure with friends too. Although, I know I shouldn't be, then, that becomes my problem: getting over myself and my insecurity.

I had another flash of 'I don't want to be friends with Vncnt any more...' ...because 'I want him to be my boyfriend'. I don't understand my inability to shake him off..

Anna Karina is my friend, so is Monica Vitti, in my heart...

Un Peu Occupée, mais...

je trouverai le temps de vous écrire un petit mot.

Two classes are done. One paper is done. Two papers left. Two classes to go. The semester is wrapping up. It feels amazing. Satisfying, stressful, and many other things.

I've been accepted to go to Cuba for the experimental cinema course for two weeks in February. That's pretty neat. I'm happy and excited, I just hope I can buy the ticket for my flight.

Everybody's busy.. nobody's blogging. That's okay. I haven't had nearly enough time to surf the web to find pictures interesting enough to post.

In other news, I bought Vncnt a 'Congratulations You're Going to Oxford -- You Better Go -- Bow tie!' He liked it a lot (I got a cheek-cheek kiss out of it). We spent about 45 minutes tying the bow tie, I did the best one, but he eventually got the hang of it. He said he was debating about whether or not to go to Oxford. He said he'd almost rather go to Mcgill Law. I'm not sure whether to encourage or discourage this possibility.

He's now been featured in a number of articles at Mcgill and in Le Soleil. He looks so cute in his picture!




I wonder if he would be mad that I put that picture up... (tee hee)

Oh yes, gchatting with Vnss made me think of a great moment during our supper. He pulled out some oranges and grapefruit and was cutting them into pieces. He was putting them in his mouth sort of sucking all the juice out and leaving the flesh. Then I took a grapefruit piece and put it in my mouth like a mouthguard and that's when the laughing started. I kept trying to stop laughing and close my mouth, but I would just laugh more. Then I motioned to him to do it and he did. Then we laughed some more, I motioned to him to go look at himself in the mirror and he did and we laughed until he took it out, and I followed suit.

Tomorrow, no work, but schoolwork and laundry.

I'm in a very chippy mood. This guy is amazing, not only because he's twenty (you know how I love the young ones) or because he reminds me of Vncnt, but because he's a brilliant musician.

Café Myriad on MacKay

Had a great cappuccino and muffin with Sam for breakfast. I shouldn't be posting, but I had a burst of happiness and energy this morning after g-chatting with Vncnt for a few minutes. Just the idea of biking home with him at the end of the day makes me bubbly.

For those who have not heard, our Little Vinny is now an official Rhodes scholar. It's been a long process and the guy totally deserves it. I'm really happy for him, and proud too. I'm especially happy that I was "with him" (via gchat) while he was waiting for the call. He called me first (!), but I missed it by a few minutes. I love that he's (one of) my best friend(s). I used to think he resisted this idea of 'friends' and 'groups' because I thought he thought that they waste time and energy or something. But the truth is, 'friends' and 'groups of friends' are the best. They're comforting (see The Birds of a Feather post).

Obviously, I'm a little bit conflicted about his departure next october, but I feel way more zen that I would have a few weeks ago. For some reason, I feel really sad that he won't be here, but I trust that we'll be alright. I think I might skip the option of going to Cuba (which I don't think I'll get anymore -- thanks to my lazyness in filling out some form) and save up to go to England.

This sort of throws my post-grad plans in a loop too... Maybe I'll seriously consider East Anglia (which is in England)... although, the way things are going, Mcgill still seems like the likeliest option.

En tout cas, I'm writing an essay about The Royal Tenenbaums which I am super pumped about. It makes me feel very cool.. which is weird but fun too.

Paper Progess Graph (That's Not a Graph)

Here's where I'm at:



Notice how the cloud has become more dense: this is meant to reflect the depth of my thoughts. The size of the word IMAGE reflects the paper's focus until now, but NARRATIVE, being located almost apart from the rest, is the bridge to my second set of pseudo-intellectual mumblings.

Just_start_writing[1].doc

I desperately want to post -- for poor Procrastination's sake, but this paper is due Wednesday.



Word clouds rule.

Pictures at Première Moisson

Another lovely day..

Photo/Booth at Figaro's

What a lovely day..

I Carry You In My Heart

I stayed in the library until very late last night. I was found by a little bird who goes by the name Gnvr.. who lent me her identity so that I could take out books.

At some point Vncnt and I were chatting. I was reading a Philip Larkin book Gnvr had and was reminded of a poem Mchl sent me a while back. I remember surfing the site and finding a poem that made my heart melt a little bit. I thought: Geez, I really didn't have the words today, when called upon by V to express my love for him. I thought: this poem says it better than I can. In the late hours of the night, I sent it to V with the message : this is what I meant to say today.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- ee cummings

(Side note: blgspt won't let the poem be formatted in it's original layout. This is very un-cool. For the real deal, see here)

He responded: hum, nice but I'm not sure about the parenthesis. I said: Dudie! He's all about the punctuation!

It was friendly and funny. I later asked him if all my declarations were annoying him. He said: 'not at all'.

Today was also funny. We talked about his cat who had run away, but came back. And how now after seeing the world, he's 'metrosexual to the core' because all he does is lick himself all the time. Then I told him he should have a blog where he could post all these anecdotes with pictures and drawings. He suggested it would be a blog about him 'talking to the cat and playing chess.' Then he said he didn't have enough time and that 'every minute of spare time I possess I give it to you' 'either in g-chat or in supper'. I said: 'really?' with a big smiley face and he said 'yeah, in fact, from now on, I'll disregard whether you're online or not. Whenever you're not there you'll just act as a Psycho-Analyst.' I said: 'Will I be getting paid handsomely?' he responded: 'dream on.' Then I told him to 'ROLL TROLL!' and he did.

Holding in Atchooos

It's not a good idea, but I'm not a very discreet atchoo-er. I'm one of those loud, body half-bent, arms-flailing kind of atchoo-ers. In a library, this is not acceptable.

I'm currently having mini-crises every three hours. Deadlines are looming, papers need to be written.. but the wheels aren't turning in the right direction. I shouldn't be writing this post but... after a little surfing, some too-good-not-to-post images were discovered. And a too-good-not-to-post conversation was had earlier today, but I'll recap the last few days too.

Agns arrived on Thursday afternoon. I met up with her and Vncnt at Mcgill. We went shopping for several hours (and it was super fun!) but the lady didn't find a dress to her liking. She ended up (most appropriately) wearing my Kate Moss bird dress and looked fabulous for her graduation.

Vncnt on the other hand found a sweet, sleek black ensemble at Tristan. He looked like a million bucks. So hopefully this will influence the Rhoades judges. I met up with Vnss later on. We searched Holt Renfrew (Love it!), Harry Rosen, Club Monaco (Loove it!) for bow-ties, but didn't find anything fashionable that wasn't over our budgets. Bow-tie hunting is surprisingly fun!

I went home feeling sick and weak, I never found out why.. but I thought I should go to the pool (since I hadn't been in a number of weeks) to make myself feel better. It was pretty funny. I got in the pool, did one lap, and was totally exhausted. The more laps I did, the more flail-y I looked. Apparently, I've lost all style and technique. Agns reassured me it was because I was tired... I hope she's right.

Friday we went to the graduation, and had supper with Agns' parents and two people from Moncton that I know vaguely, but Agns knows slightly better. It was really fun. Mostly, having the parents there was really fun. We went to the Cafe du Nouveau Monde downtown. It was really good.

Saturday we had a supper planned. The usual birdies were there: Agns, Mchl, Gnvr, Vncnt and myself. It was really fun and tasty! At a few moment, I found myself thinking: 'this is what it would be like if V and I were a couple, and we were entertaining friends.' I was finishing his sentences, and rolling my eyes while saying: 'I've heard this story a million times'. It felt really comfortable, but also slightly frustrating. Vnss put her finger on it the other day: I feel somewhat hurt that he has let us get to this level, with no chance of advancing to the next. She also nailed it when she said: 'you sound fed up'. No words could better describe how I felt.

This was the feeling I was carrying around with me today. Fed up. Fed up of the situation, fed up with my thoughts, fed up with myself. Then Vncnt came on g-chat today and we started talking. he said he thought his cat was in a 'peine d'amour' after venturing outside and meeting a catess. I empathized and said "the cat and I have lots in common, we should start a support group." He asked: 'are you in peine d'amour?' to which I responded my usual muddled confusion (yes.. no.. maybe.. what does that really mean?). I told him about being fed up about my thoughts, the repetition of the same ones in my head all the time. I told him I was fed up with the situation I was in; the situation being me unable to connect with someone and it occupying too much brain space. He said: 'Is there anything I can do?' I thought.. hmmm.. what to respond? what do I feel about such a question? So I said: 'You could if you could love me the way I needed you to. But we've talked about this'... (Side note: I was totally not stressed while writing that line. I was actually smiling. I told him I was smiling. I wasn't angry or trying to jab him in any way, it was just really how I felt, and I mostly felt happy that I was comfortable telling him so.)

He responded: 'You sound like you're flirting with old ideas of not seeing me anymore' to which I responded: 'mais non, pas du tout, besides it doesn't work. We're beyond that stage." Him: "Yipee".

Then I told him about the couple feeling I had on Saturday and how I'm slightly hurt because we can go to the next level. He said he didn't really know what to say, I said he didn't have to say anything because I wasn't sad about it. He said he wasn't sure he understood the part about the levels. I reiterated the friendship vs. relationship thing and how we attribute different importance to them. I said I wasn't sure anymore which one I found more valuable. I told him Vnss and I talked about whether or not I could deal with a 'non-sexual but affectionate' relationship. He said: 'and?' and I told him the truth: that I didn't know if I could be satisfied with that, but maybe in the long-term. Like if it's going to be like strictly affectionate in the long run, why bother with the initial passion stuff? but I still think I need the initial passion stuff.. Then I said: 'so I guess I just end up confused and annoyed by myself' He asked: 'Why do you want to be with me? (I'm thinking: yeahhh let's get on the direct-questions wagon. I'm still feeling capable of honesty so) I say: 'the short answer is: because I love you -- why do I love you?, that's a difficult thing to put in words' ... I warn him I'm going to paint a corny picture (because I just can't find any eloquent words to express the right sentiment) so I say: because you're funny, and nice, and interesting. Sometimes you're a little bit difficult. You're charming and stimulating. The more I get to know the details, the more I love what I see.. You're like a strong cheese -- an acquired taste, but soo good when you like it.. and you can be really sweet without knowing it ...or while knowing it. There's just something about you. Maybe it's because you haven't run away from me.' Then I send him this picture (Vnss found it, but it coincidentally landed on one of my followed blogs too!):

and I said: 'this comes close to how I feel' to which he responded: 'it's all the more pertinent that you can't close your hands.' I didn't really understand him, and I said 'ouch?' because I thought he was saying 'no matter how you feel, you won't be able to close your hands -- you won't be able to have me' which, I think my mind made up independently of what he actually said but, the conversation sort of ended in confusion and me having to leave to go meet someone for a project.

All I know is that I feel better about our friendship. I'm trying to be less scared. I'm trying to hug people (Mchl was my guinea-pig on Sunday) and at the end of the day, I want to feel like this:

... but I'm okay with waiting for it (despite what all my neurotic-paranoid-discouraged outbursts may lead you -- and me -- to believe).

Because I Love my Boy's Bow-Ties

Ok, so he's not technically my boy.. but just forget about that for a second.

Tonight we're watching The Piano (Jane Campion) in my Film Director's class. I remember loving this movie. It's going to be good.

I feel really good right now. I have my presentation tomorrow. I don't feel ready, but I'm feeling okay about school.

I have an idea for one of my two papers. I'm able to think about it all day long..

In my specialization seminar, my prof said he would invite 4-6 students for a two-week class in Cuba. The class would be experimental cinema class. This could potentially be an awesome experience..I need to do shit like this. I know Cuba has a unique film past and present.. Maybe they have some cool archives or something. I need to remember how much I want this. My anxiety makes me forget. But I can do this shit. I can be good at it. I'm not a total idiot..

Although.. I did get this question wrong: 5*(2+3(2+4*5))

I said 660, but the answer was 640. I'm going to need some tutoring for GREs.

That being said, I should really prepare this presentation stuff.

I should be more nervous.. but I guess this is what happens when you stop caring a little bit.

//love // love // love // love //

Agns is coming tomorrow!

I Turn to Dust

What a difference a few days can make.

I don't have time to post a whole lot, because I have a presentation on Thursday and I am not feeling prepared for it.

I spent friday night crying. I was woken up saturday morning by Vnss, asking me if we could push our breakfast date to a bit later. That was alright with me. I ended up getting up anyway (for a change)..
We we're supposed to go to the diner on Milton, but when I got there it was packed with weird Mcgill types. I felt like being far away from everything and everyone I usually see, so we decided to go to a place Vnss knew in Pointe-St-Charles. The bike ride was short and pleasant. The Pointe is a real hidden gem. So is Verdun. They have music playing in the streets. You can dance in the streets!

Alors, we had a good breakfast at Art Café (I think that's the name). The food was good, the service was bad, but in a funny way. The guy seemed so bitter. If you saw the interior of this place, you would think: 'You work here! How can you possibly be bitter?' The breakfast was followed up with about 3 hours of shopping in a consignment shop. I had forgotten how awesome vintage stores can be. It really lifted my heart and changed my thoughts.

We went to Vnss's, hung around the house, ate brownies (that were good -- for greasy ones) and tried to read about masculinity from the feminist perspective. We went to bed early and woke up late.

I had made plans with Vncnt to have breakfast, but wasn't feeling very peppy about it. I felt like he might be doing it more out of obligation or something. I raced to his place for 10.30 am. I waited a bit, and he arrived (he was out getting a tube). I thought we would go to Figaro across the street. He was being weird and funny and he didn't feel like going. I suggested we go to Caffe Della Posta on Bernard and insisted on buying him breakfast.

I felt a little bit shy. I felt like he now knew a new side of me (I had told him about Nantucket). I kept trying to steer the conversation away from that. I didn't feel like reliving it. We went to the place, ate breakfast, talked and laughed. I brought up what I deem to be the condition of the modern woman: loving men who don't love them back. I was including myself in this category, of course. This blog wouldn't exist if I didn't. He says to me: "I'm not indifferent towards you!" to which I reply: "Don't go there. Let's not go there". He insisted. I tried to find a way of explaining that it's different: loving and caring for friends, and loving and caring for a romantic partner. I was unable to make him understand my position, but he kept saying "I'm not indifferent!".

I left the breakfast feeling energized. I didn't do any work all day, but I cleaned the house. I was allocating myself a weekend of recuperation.

Later that night (last night -- sunday november 9th, 2008), we began chatting on gchat. I said I was working on clarifying my 'contemporary woman's plight' argument. We started talking about the difference between friends and lovers. He essentially said that for him, friendships are more valuable than romance. I say I can understand that. Additionally, I say, 'not being indifferent towards someone - that's the minimum requirement (to borrow G's words): there's a difference between 'not being indifferent' and actively loving someone". To which he responds: "For all that counts, I would consider that I'm actively loving you" (me thinking: whaa? uhhh.. gulp.. oh.. gee.. RESPOND!) I say: "I can say that I do in the same way but am I crazy for thinking that intimacy plays a part in this love business?" Then it becomes an issue of defining 'intimacy' I eventually spell it out: 'physical intimacy'. We talked about it. Our views are vastly different. I tried to understand his position, but felt like I was crossing into territory I wasn't meant to explore yet.

I apologized for insisting, he said 'you have nothing to apologize for' and 'stop being so scared of me' to which I responded: I'm less scared than before! He said, I guess.. except when it comes to 'issues'.

I've been feeling like I hold back many things from him. Sometimes what I want to say comes to the surface like a rush of anxiety. As we were saying bye I said: "I don't really want to say this, but I think I should say it because I don't want to say it" he says 'What?' I say: "sometimes I want to hug you, but I don't really, because I'm scared of touching people and being touched, but I feel like with friends I really care about, I hug them, or let them hug me.. so I'm confused and I didn't want to say it, but I did." 'You did' he says. Then we talk about the two or three hugs he's given me before. I explain that they weren't real because there was space between us (the hug gap) and he patted me on the back and besides, I was scared of being hugged by him. He asks why and I say : "I was scared I would shatter into a thousand pieces" to which he responds: "That would be terrible. I didn't know my hug could be so powerful." I joke about his arms of steel (because I always talk about my legs of steel).

He says 'thanks for sharing that with me'. I say 'It was scary, but I'm trying to be less scared.'

He says: "I'll hug you from behind one day, and see you turn to dust."

Poof (!)

I feel like our friendship is growing beautifully. He's so wonderful. I feel very much in love, but much more secure and much less neurotic. I don't know that things will change between us. But I am satisfied with the thought of having him around for the next 87 years.

I feel full.

L'Unique Boutique, Verdun

Two brown leather belts

One pair of grey Banana Republic pants

One oatmeal colored sweater

Two pairs of Christian Dior tights (one yellow and one black patterned)

One pair of imitation Ray Bans for 5 bucks

Friends are the best.

Feeling much better.

Oh Morning..

I should probably have waited until demain matin to write this, but I found the perfect image for the post, had a little talk with Jl, and it pepped me up.

Today's rendez-vous. I arrived about 7 minutes early. Not wanting to be the first one there, I went to the library to check my emails. Since the night before, I had been having these thoughts, worries about this meeting. I kept thinking he would send me an email to cancel. It made me think of the second rendez-vous I was supposed to have with Mtt: the time he called me 30 minutes before, to cancel.

So I checked my email. Nothing. Okay. I go to the gallery, which was closed. I wait. I walk. I pace. I look at the time.. it's roughly 11 minutes past 11. I decide there must have been a misunderstanding. I go to the other gallery mentioned in our email exchange. Nothing. I call Vnss. 'When do you know when you've been stood up?' She kindly reassures me there's no worry, people are late, it happens. I wait.

My phone indicates 27 minutes. I call back. Sbn (Vnss's amiga) answers. Again, reassures me, things will be fine. It's the city, things are crazy. But, maybe I should consider calling him. I go back to the other gallery and ask: 'has a tall dark haired boy with a messenger bag been here?' Apparently not.

Call back. Ask if they can check my facebook for his number. I decide to text him. Voice to voice is too intense -- I give everything away. My text: 'Hey! Tu m'as oublié ou quoi?' I'm walking into the elevator when I see my phone ring; it's his number. I answer, but am cut off by the elevator's lack of reception. I got to a chair and sit. I receive a text: 'Shit. Be there in twenty" to which I reply: "I'll be in the cda lab, aight?' he texts: 'K'.

I decide to be productive. I found a good book on my Sternberg paper topic. Vnss calls me. She near my building with brownies. She says she's coming to see me with Sbn. I say ok. We meet on the fifth floor. As we're discussing various brownie textures, Nantucket arrives. I felt strange. He didn't really look at me.

Everyone was introduced. We talked about brownies and chicken, then proceeded to the elevators. He seemed confused and scattered. 'Is this a group thing?' he asked, which was funny.

We went our separate ways, he was still confused. He decided he was hungry, and suggested Kaffeine, but changed his mind and settled on Burritoville. Either one was fine by me. I was distracted.

We sat down. He ate a meal. I ate soup. We talked about his studies, his recent crisis (to school, or not to school? Montreal or USA? Computer science or Liberal Arts?), we talked about film studies and libraries. The changing nature of information. The book he was reading. Australia. Graduate school. Research. I kept bringing things back to film, or filmic examples. I felt like I wasn't being myself. I think in films a lot, but not to the extent that I was making myself seem.

Towards the end, I was noticing him yawn (two or three times), and that was making me uncomfortable, and want to leave. I was also thinking: 'dude, you wasted an hour of my time, I better not be late for work because of you..' I checked my clock, and the time was up. I said: 'oh I have to go' and we picked up our stuff and left.

He walked me to my bike. I forget what we were talking about.. at some point he said: 'we should do this again sometime' which made me extremely angry. I said: 'ok' while looking at my shoes. I was angry because I felt like he was saying this out of duty. He had just spent an hour talking to me about how behind he is in his schoolwork, how he's a 'one or two person guy' and forgot me for crying out loud. I felt like that was the thing people said at the end of such encounters, and I felt angry that he fell into that cliché. If he really wanted to do it, he should have said: 'we should go see the Tim Clark exhibit sometime' or something concrete.

What got to me the most was the fact that he forgot. This may be a pity party, but all I can do is say (honestly) what was going through my head at the time.

'You leave no impressions on people.'

'You are forgettable.'
'Why do you bother?'

'You not worth being around'

Along with these were thoughts like: you're not interesting enough, you'll be alone forever because you don't try hard enough, you're too picky, you're worthless, you don't deserve anybody.. I can't handle this right now.

The thing is, I honestly did not go into this situation with my (default) high expectations. I was totally fine. But having half an hour to pace around and have my time wasted.. I don't know what happened to me.

I feel completely ridiculous.

I spoke about this briefly with Vncnt. I told him I got half stood up by someone (who remained nameless). He said he was sorry my day sucked. He asked me who was my date? I said 'someone I met once, had some email exchange with... nobody really. I don't really know why we're meeting' to which he responded: 'maybe that's at the heart of the meeting thing'. I say : 'what do you mean?', he says: 'well if there was no purpose to your meeting! :D' to which I respond: 'that's a very logical way of looking at it'.

Mchl, Gnvr and Vnss were more encouraging. Although I suppose Vncnt was too, in his own way.

What i'm thinking is: This was my attempt at breaking away from Vncnt. Trying to get out there, in the world, making new friends. Look how that ended up. Nobody wants me. Vncnt just wants me around. I don't matter enough to be loved.

Confession: This whole situation, and the last two weeks have more to do with my dad than anyone else.

I just want to be alone. I've got to decide to get out of this state-of-mind. I'm going to decide.. Tomorrow morning.

Take One

I've been thinking about this post for the last few hours. I'm too tired and dizzy to think about it any more.

Maybe I'm dehydrated.

To bed.

Rendez-Vous

with Nantucket in 36 minutes. I'm wearing my Kate Moss dress as a skirt, purple tights and a black sweater. Soft.

I've got to work at two.

I'm feeling, nervous, un peu.. but pretty indifferent overall.

But not indifferent enough to not care what my hair looks like.

I'm off!

The End of the Affair

That is a wonderful book. It makes me think of conversations I've had with Vncnt, but mostly conversations I've had in my head.

I've set up a meeting with Nantucket. This Friday, 11am, at the Fofa Gallery. I think i'll keep it brief (30-40 minutes). I don't feel like getting into cliché chit-chat.

In other news, I feel full of love.

(See Vnss's recent post including something about the next '10 or 15 meetings' -- this makes me very happy, even though it's probably as likely to happen as me making a move on the object of my affection).

I remember a while ago

Vnss sent me flowers after my confession to V. That was really heartwarming.

We had a Halloween supper friday night. Vnss, Vncnt, Mchl, Gnvr, Lv and myself. I'm enjoying being put in new situations with new people. Lv was great. I was surprised. I expected to feel more awkward.. but, it was good. He's a good blender -- he just blends in.

It felt wonderful to have Vncnt there, I touched him a few times. Shoulder, arm, shoulder, hair. He's into giving me hugs lately. It's a bit strange. Good! but strange because when he hugs me, he leaves space between us. I'm working on closing this gap.

In other news, I sent a msg. to Nantucket. Making a special request for a particular photograph of his. I said something like: I'll compensate with coffee or tea. Anyway, he said: "Pick a time Thursday or Friday and make me stick to it. Blah blah I'm in a "I don't have time for anything" state of mind." BUT he is fitting me in. Although, honestly, I don't actually feel like seeing him or anyone at the moment.. this is due to stress more than anything else.

I watched Sex and the City: The Movie. Good. Good. Great! I took the night off tonight. From what? Who knows (probably from my neuroticism), but tomorrow it's serious work time.