Oh Morning..

I should probably have waited until demain matin to write this, but I found the perfect image for the post, had a little talk with Jl, and it pepped me up.

Today's rendez-vous. I arrived about 7 minutes early. Not wanting to be the first one there, I went to the library to check my emails. Since the night before, I had been having these thoughts, worries about this meeting. I kept thinking he would send me an email to cancel. It made me think of the second rendez-vous I was supposed to have with Mtt: the time he called me 30 minutes before, to cancel.

So I checked my email. Nothing. Okay. I go to the gallery, which was closed. I wait. I walk. I pace. I look at the time.. it's roughly 11 minutes past 11. I decide there must have been a misunderstanding. I go to the other gallery mentioned in our email exchange. Nothing. I call Vnss. 'When do you know when you've been stood up?' She kindly reassures me there's no worry, people are late, it happens. I wait.

My phone indicates 27 minutes. I call back. Sbn (Vnss's amiga) answers. Again, reassures me, things will be fine. It's the city, things are crazy. But, maybe I should consider calling him. I go back to the other gallery and ask: 'has a tall dark haired boy with a messenger bag been here?' Apparently not.

Call back. Ask if they can check my facebook for his number. I decide to text him. Voice to voice is too intense -- I give everything away. My text: 'Hey! Tu m'as oublié ou quoi?' I'm walking into the elevator when I see my phone ring; it's his number. I answer, but am cut off by the elevator's lack of reception. I got to a chair and sit. I receive a text: 'Shit. Be there in twenty" to which I reply: "I'll be in the cda lab, aight?' he texts: 'K'.

I decide to be productive. I found a good book on my Sternberg paper topic. Vnss calls me. She near my building with brownies. She says she's coming to see me with Sbn. I say ok. We meet on the fifth floor. As we're discussing various brownie textures, Nantucket arrives. I felt strange. He didn't really look at me.

Everyone was introduced. We talked about brownies and chicken, then proceeded to the elevators. He seemed confused and scattered. 'Is this a group thing?' he asked, which was funny.

We went our separate ways, he was still confused. He decided he was hungry, and suggested Kaffeine, but changed his mind and settled on Burritoville. Either one was fine by me. I was distracted.

We sat down. He ate a meal. I ate soup. We talked about his studies, his recent crisis (to school, or not to school? Montreal or USA? Computer science or Liberal Arts?), we talked about film studies and libraries. The changing nature of information. The book he was reading. Australia. Graduate school. Research. I kept bringing things back to film, or filmic examples. I felt like I wasn't being myself. I think in films a lot, but not to the extent that I was making myself seem.

Towards the end, I was noticing him yawn (two or three times), and that was making me uncomfortable, and want to leave. I was also thinking: 'dude, you wasted an hour of my time, I better not be late for work because of you..' I checked my clock, and the time was up. I said: 'oh I have to go' and we picked up our stuff and left.

He walked me to my bike. I forget what we were talking about.. at some point he said: 'we should do this again sometime' which made me extremely angry. I said: 'ok' while looking at my shoes. I was angry because I felt like he was saying this out of duty. He had just spent an hour talking to me about how behind he is in his schoolwork, how he's a 'one or two person guy' and forgot me for crying out loud. I felt like that was the thing people said at the end of such encounters, and I felt angry that he fell into that cliché. If he really wanted to do it, he should have said: 'we should go see the Tim Clark exhibit sometime' or something concrete.

What got to me the most was the fact that he forgot. This may be a pity party, but all I can do is say (honestly) what was going through my head at the time.

'You leave no impressions on people.'

'You are forgettable.'
'Why do you bother?'

'You not worth being around'

Along with these were thoughts like: you're not interesting enough, you'll be alone forever because you don't try hard enough, you're too picky, you're worthless, you don't deserve anybody.. I can't handle this right now.

The thing is, I honestly did not go into this situation with my (default) high expectations. I was totally fine. But having half an hour to pace around and have my time wasted.. I don't know what happened to me.

I feel completely ridiculous.

I spoke about this briefly with Vncnt. I told him I got half stood up by someone (who remained nameless). He said he was sorry my day sucked. He asked me who was my date? I said 'someone I met once, had some email exchange with... nobody really. I don't really know why we're meeting' to which he responded: 'maybe that's at the heart of the meeting thing'. I say : 'what do you mean?', he says: 'well if there was no purpose to your meeting! :D' to which I respond: 'that's a very logical way of looking at it'.

Mchl, Gnvr and Vnss were more encouraging. Although I suppose Vncnt was too, in his own way.

What i'm thinking is: This was my attempt at breaking away from Vncnt. Trying to get out there, in the world, making new friends. Look how that ended up. Nobody wants me. Vncnt just wants me around. I don't matter enough to be loved.

Confession: This whole situation, and the last two weeks have more to do with my dad than anyone else.

I just want to be alone. I've got to decide to get out of this state-of-mind. I'm going to decide.. Tomorrow morning.