All My Friends...

I used to be very possessive about my friends; always wanting to keep them hidden like my own personal, precious gems. NOW all I want to do is introduce them, have them get to know each other independent of me, build something different from what I have with them so that we can all come together under a beautiful, friendly umbrella.

I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday after I blogged, I wrote an email to P apologizing for being needy and lazy. I reiterated how we both know needy relationships are not awesome. I felt a bit worried about how he would respond. I had no need to worry. He encouraged me to put myself first, doing the things that make me feel good, so that we can then spend time together in full spirits. He is so sweet and reassuring. I don't know why I'm scared of being open with him.

I'm in the midst of coming to terms with my old-fashionism. By that I mean, I don't think I'm as much as a strong, communicative, independent, 21st century woman as I thought I was. My insecurities get the better of me and I find myself thinking: 'If a man were to cheat on me, there's a big possibility I might never know; because some people can say 'I love you' and not mean it'.

I'm realizing now what it's like to feel vulnerable, to feel like you are placing your raw, bloody, beating heart in someone else's hand. It's kind of frightening. Maybe it's not frightening, maybe it's frightening that I feel so incapable of letting my guard down. Maybe it's frightening that I feel like a cliché.

Then there's part of me that feels guilty for feeling these things. Sort of how women feel guilty for not wanting to have families. Maybe if accept how I feel, it will be easier to move on...

I wish it wasn't so hard to talk about these things. I wish life was like a blog ... or not. I should read a book.

In the meantime, friends lift my spirits, and so does this movie:

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

Whoa No More

I hit an ultime high on the bad-mood barometer today and I'm confused as to what has prompted this sour mood. I spent the last two days with P and had a wonderful time, but today I left his house, rode home under the dense grey sky, and got home only to be pretty bitchy with Sm. The nice thing about him is that we can discuss my bitchyness, and he doesn't usually take it personally. But seriously, I have to stop doing that.

I've been feeling a little desperate and needy these days. 'Why hasn't he responded to my email?' 'Why isn't he on gchat?' and thinking about him a lot when I should be thinking about other things. I feel like my head is full of air and I have no interesting conversations left in me. It's almost like I enjoy talking about the weather, the usual 'what's new?' but not much more.

I may be over analyzing this.

Today I felt needy and I didn't like it. I also felt like the only thing that would make me feel better was to buy something I didn't need. Right now, that's the worse attitude I could have, given my current financial situation. I keep finding these cool things online, or in stores that are very 'nesting' things. I'm still on this 'hanging things up on walls for very long periods of time' kick.. but it has expanded into table lamps and tshirts -- two things I definetly don't need.

I need more structure, or else I will end up confused and penniless.

So here's my To Do list:

no more restaurants.
learn to cook (better, healthier).
learn to plan.
read (books, not blogs).
sleep (being asleep at 11 is like heaven).
swim (more than once per week).
appreciate friends (every day).
take time for self (every day).
call mom (without putting it off).
simple things.
Think more.
Feel more.
Breathe more.

Here's hoping.

I Want to Build Something

The weirdest thing happened today. I'm at work, working/gchatting with P about his two potential apartments (he's moving in July). One is located approx. 8 houses down from my place, and the other is on the west side of the mountain next to Monkland. For some reason as we were discussing this, I felt the sudden urge to cry. My eyes welled up a little bit, and my heart felt sad. Logically, I know that from the metro, it will be faster for him to get to my house, it's only 2 kilometers more than his current place, but it still made me want to cry. I told him this, and he reassured me that the decision was not made, that either way it would be okay, and that he too was sad to potentially be moving further away.

After this conversation, I began worrying about my 'desperation'. I felt a little bit of 'Adl, this is not a big deal, it does not merit drama', and then for some reason I felt relief at the thought of seeing him tonight. This worries me a little bit. I don't want to feel like that. I should be happy that he is in my life, I should be happy when I see him, but I should not be brought down by minor things like where he lives, or how often I see him. With our schedules, twice a week is great, anything more than that is a bonus.

The story on The Ex has been coming out bit by bit. This also freaks me out. I don't understand why. My curiosity about this is incredible, and I don't understand why I'm pumping it up to be this big thing, when in reality, it will likely be very conventional.

I now have this desire to build things out of wood. A desk, a shelf, a bureau, a bed, whatever. P offered his help which was very sweet. It would be cool to build something together (like a double bed... despite how great sleeping in singles is).

(Dream)

Toothbrushes

I've dropped the idea of crafting a post. Everything that has been going on for the past few weeks has been much of the same: great great fun. We've been socializing alot (the Mel Hoppenheim Awards Night, Festival screenings, birthday suppers, closing parties, family suppers, acandian fiestas), all experiences that make me learn more about P. It's nothing drastic, but it also teaches me about me and how I am around him. I was always very comfortable around him, and I still am. Every time he looks at me it's like a vote of confidence. It's really nice.

I'm going to take a mini break from all this socializing. I'm taking this class on Bunuel and Mexican Cinema and I think it's going to be very interesting. I did not realize he was more than Un Chien Andalou. I'm already behind (because the book is expensive and ridiculously hard to find), but I'm feeling hopeful. The prof is from the school in Cuba, so having him teach just reminds me how calm I felt when I was there. I still feel pretty calm. Although I am having a semi-dramatic crisis about grad school, but hopefully that will work itself out.

I'm trying to get my sleep and swim schedule back on track so I can feel good and productive. Fatigue makes me unable to relax and let my mind be open. My attempt at getting unaddicted to the internet is going ok, but I guess I should have specified 'emails' and 'blogs'. Less emails and blogs, and more books.

More Nina Simone.