One Day at a Time

Why do I spend my time thinking about the future? Why do I sabbotage my present happiness by overthinking the possibilities of the unknown?

I had an email exchange with P's mother after last weekend's brunch. It was merely a 'have a good trip' email, but it turned into a minor discussion about the future. She reiterated how she and her husband spent 3 years apart before coming together. She said her daughter (also graduating) and I need to go off and spread our wings so that we can lead fulfilling lives.

I'm really, really scared by this reality.

I know she's right. I know I need to get out of my box -- even though it's a beautiful box, filled with wonderful people -- and go experience something else. I haven't even begun applying to graduate schools, but I'm in tears just thinking about getting accepted to the ones that are far away.

I know Toronto isn't far. I would hope that it might become a logical next step for P, but there's part of me that is saddened by the idea that for the rest of our lives our time will be spent mostly apart. In the email, his mother said 'P will be away on film shoots for many months at a time and being away from the people he loves will be a fact of life for him.' I want to be the strong girl who believes everything will fall into place, and if I can just be in the present I won't waste time thinking about 'what might happen if...'

Be here now. Be here now. I need to be here now.

Polytechnique - Denis Villeneuve

We went to see Polytechnique on saturday. Watching that was like getting the wind knocked out of me. Those are the only words I can use to express how I felt watching it. The event itself is horrifying, the fact that women still deal with some of the issues they were facing in this film is depressing. I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to leave. I'm not one to leave when there are tough issues to see or deal with, but this, this touched me deep inside, inside where my sense of security lies. I want to say 'Don't see this film,' it's too sad to see.

It was so well made, i'm at a loss for words.

P reacted similarly. He said what he took out of the film is that it's really scary to be a woman. He also said, 'What's the point of living if you're never going to stand up for something?' referring to the men who left the women helpless starring down the barrel of the guy's M16.

He hugged me and touched me and kissed me more than he usually does for the next 24 hours.

I Got It.

Finally. I get it. After weeks of thoughts, emotions, ups and downs, I finally got it.

You can't get everything you want out of the same person. Different people offer different things. That is what makes them wonderful and fascinating.

---

About a week ago, I initiated an email discussion with P. Somewhere where I could get all my thoughts and feelings off my chest, and hopefully, provide a starting point for him to share his. My first email got a response, my second was left lingering for a few days. I wasn't bothered by this because a day or so after I sent the email I had a complete turnaround. Vnss made me realize I had only been focusing on the negative, that I should remember that he could have broken up with me but he didn't, that he is attached to me for a reason I may never know, and that I should see the bright side of the situation.

Her advice stuck. Stuck like crazy glue! I felt way better all week, I felt like it was everything was good and that we would see each other whenever we had time, and that he loved me and everything was great. We spent the weekend together, my thoughts occasionally went back to my unanswered email, and then I thought, why not just tell him that I feel a bit left in the dark?

Not one minute after I sent the email my phone rings. It's P! He asks me how I am and what I'm doing, I tell him about my paper -- which I should be writing at this very moment instead of blogging -- and he says 'I got your email'. Then he says, 'You're stressin' me out baybay!' and I say 'ooh no, that's not what I meant to do... but! It's good! I'm glad you're telling me this!' We proceed to talk about how I need to have emotional discussions way more than he is willing, and that this is causing him some stress. I'm left with mixed feelings and then Sm comes into my room.

I tell him what I discussed with P. Explain how P doesn't like to trust emotions, but rather think through emotions, and Sm agrees with P's strategy. He explains that relationships need to be compartmentalized; you get different things from different relationships and although I am usually a more deeply involved friend, it's not necessarily to be such a deeply involved girlfriend.

It clicks! P is not one of my girlfriends. I don't need to share everything with him. In fact, it's probably better if things come out over time. Besides, P's not telling me I can't share things with him, he's just asking that I don't push him for his own opinions.

I called him to tell him I got it. He reacted funnily, a little stunned, but sweet. He said that even though I may feel like I don't know him right now, these things get known over time. He said there is friendship and a mutual understanding between us that separates our relationship from strictly friendship. From this I deduce that I need to have faith that I will learn more things about him over time.

He did however say I could ask him two questions about any topic that he would answer fully. I couldn't think of any on the spot... but I will definitely think about them carefully.

Overall, good conversation. My confidence needs a little boost still, but this was a good help.

H-C B

I'm not sure what to say, but I think things are sort of okay.

Patience and faith.

Be Calm and Carry On.

I need patience. I need faith. I'm in a state of needing at the moment. Needing to be reassured, needing to be needed.

P and I talked while we were at the Botanical Gardens. It was not the conversation I was hoping for. It left me unsatisfied and slightly more confused. I'm a little unnerved that I am so set on sticking this through. I feel like i'm entering unhealthy relationship territory. I feel like i'm swimming so hard, just to keep my head afloat.

I sent him an email; an initiation to discussion. Though he doesn't acknowledge it, P is a toug nut to crack. He's got his emotions in check at all times. This is very frustrating for me. Even more frustrating is the feelings I have to carry around vis-a-vis this situation. I'm spending too much time thinking about it, it's absorbing me, like my thoughts were absorbed by Vncnt last year. Very unhealthy. I guess the difference is, I'm really, truly in love with P, so it hurts much more.

I want him to open the door. Or at least, I want him to want to open the door.

They say 'men never change', i'm very discouraged by this statement.

Other than that, I'm too busy with school and work. I don't know how much longer this can go on.

Better.

We talked a few times from the moment he requested a break to the time we planned to 'discuss things'. I always felt a bit awkward and skeptical, but I quickly realized there was nothing to be alarmed of. 

I was unusually calm during those days of waiting. It helped that I was kept busy. When he came to my house on Thursday so that we could talk, he came up the stairs slowly and his behind the corner. A box popped out and it had a red ribbon on it. I said 'Is that box floating by itself?' and I heard him giggle behind the wall. I said, 'Am I supposed to go get it?', he shakes the box to lure me and I bit. As I walk down the three steps, he comes out from behind the corner and hugs me. One of those I-missed-you hugs. I hug him back. 

We ate, talked about our day and lounged around. We didn't get around to talking about 'things' because there was a part of me that wanted to forget it ever happened, and a part that couldn't bear the thought of bringing it up and prompting our demise. 

I know this is a step in the wrong direction, the direction of non-communication, something we've been struggling with... but I'm just so happy he has reconnected with me for the time being. 

Lifted.

Yesterday was a 24 hour panic attack. I've yet to divulge the details, because I simply can't think about them again. Basically, P and I are on a break, suggested by him, and we're meeting on thursday to discuss things.

Yes, I slept in the shirt I wore the last time I saw him. No, I haven't showered since the last time we showered together. I'm grabbing on to the last things I can right now, not knowing what the future holds.

I couldn't find an image that adequately portrayed how I feel, or the feelings that have been captured in photos I have of you, but you can do your best to imagine it.

I feel so lifted by you all. I feel so special to have you all in my life. I literally feel lifted a few centimeters from the ground knowing you are a part of my life.

Best. Friends. Ever.

Sick to My Stomach

I can't talk about it yet.

Flying Solo

Lately I've been feeling strange, as if I'm alone, working on P and I's relationship. I know he's going through a really tough time lately: his film wasn't picked up by a festival, he's graduating, he didn't get the job he was counting on for post-graduation because he's 6 credits shy of having a degree, and I think he's generally unsatisfied by not working on his own projects. He's probably terrified about the future, as I would be. From this comes his tendency to shut me out a little bit when it relates to his feelings.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and talking about 'relationships'. One of my favorite blogs has been posting about 'the secrets of successful relationships'. I read them all and find what may apply to me. Many of them say talking things out, no matter how difficult the topic, is a crucial part of being happy. I'm struggling with this like I've never struggled with anything else.

I have all these thoughts like 'Why do I feel like I'm the only one working at this?', 'I feel undesired', 'I feel guilty for wanting to talk about some things', 'I feel worried bringing these things up will prompt him to end the relationship'. Most, if not all these thoughts are totally irrational, I know, but I can't help feeling them.

I feel like I need to be really reassured. I need him to reassure me that he's there. I want him to be connected to me, even though he told me he feels disconnected from everything.

This feels dramatic. I don't like it.

Makin' Faces

I had a strange realization this evening while walking back from the store with Sm. He was talking as he usually does, and suddenly I had to say: 'You just don't stop talking, do you?' Not in a mean way, I was just stating the fact of the situation. I think I've felt like P hasn't been listening to me lately. Like most of what we talk about revolves around his work and events. We're not sharing ideas. I have a strange feeling that the two people I see and talk to the most (P and Sm) are having conversations with themselves with me as a spectator. It's a bizarre feeling.

For some reason this thought makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I'm also uncomfortable in this mental state I've been inhabiting for the last few weeks. It's either a state of calm and zen, or a frustration with the world so intense I've reverted back into my head. These two states are worlds apart, which would seem to make my identifying it easy, but I'm totally confused.

This confusion, compounded by the transition into school-life, the instability of class schedules makes me slightly depressed. I think I've got to cut some dead weight (difficult classes) and try to find somewhere comfortable to be. It's my last year, I don't want to overbuden myself with classes and projects. I want this one to go smoothly.



P, me and our sweet rides.

Emerson

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day; Wisdom is when you let something go everyday"

New motto.

Sometimes Bikes Hurt

I crashed into someone today. Or he crashed into me. We crashed into each other in front of Mcgill's Roddick gates. I was coming from campus, maybe a little faster than I should have been going and when I went to turn on Sherbrooke, there was a guy with his friend riding in my direction. I tried to stop as much as possible but the momentum sent me flying chest forward while my legs got tangled in my falling bike. The bikes broke my fall but I feel a bump on my knee and a bruise on my arm. Thankfully, I was able to ride away rather quickly, whereas the guy was left with a bent front wheel. He was nice and apologising profusely, while I was focused on getting up.

Angry. Sad. Guilty.

Those are the things I feel about this situation. Angry - so angry - at the situation because it was avoidable, at the guy because it was stupid of him to ride against traffic (even though we all do it one time or another), at myself for not slowing down when I was coming out of the gates.

I feel sad because situations like these scare me. They make me afraid of cycling. They make me afraid that at any moment a car door will swing open and I will slam into it just before being thrown in front of a car. I rode off from the scene, but I was shaking in the knees a little bit. I felt them weakened. I wear a helmet, but realistically, it will do little to save me from serious injury, if it happened. I know I have to slow down, I'm scared by how fast I go and how careless I can be. I don't know where this drive to be reckless comes from. Sometimes I wonder if i'm hoping for an accident.

I feel guilty because I left the situation so quickly. I muttered a few 'I'm sorry's while looking at the guy's wheel. I feel guilty that my first thoughts afterwards were 'yeah, it better have been your wheel and not mine'. I feel guilty I didn't offer to give my name or to take off my sunglasses and deal with the situation more thoroughly. I feel guilty that the guy knew it was his fault, and I was thinking 'yeah it was your fault'. I feel guilty because I know i'm being a hypocrite.

I don't like that this event ruined my whole day. Or rather, that I let it ruin my whole day. I should be glad it wasn't worse, and that my bike in intact.

I don't understand why I focus on the negative.