I Got It.

Finally. I get it. After weeks of thoughts, emotions, ups and downs, I finally got it.

You can't get everything you want out of the same person. Different people offer different things. That is what makes them wonderful and fascinating.

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About a week ago, I initiated an email discussion with P. Somewhere where I could get all my thoughts and feelings off my chest, and hopefully, provide a starting point for him to share his. My first email got a response, my second was left lingering for a few days. I wasn't bothered by this because a day or so after I sent the email I had a complete turnaround. Vnss made me realize I had only been focusing on the negative, that I should remember that he could have broken up with me but he didn't, that he is attached to me for a reason I may never know, and that I should see the bright side of the situation.

Her advice stuck. Stuck like crazy glue! I felt way better all week, I felt like it was everything was good and that we would see each other whenever we had time, and that he loved me and everything was great. We spent the weekend together, my thoughts occasionally went back to my unanswered email, and then I thought, why not just tell him that I feel a bit left in the dark?

Not one minute after I sent the email my phone rings. It's P! He asks me how I am and what I'm doing, I tell him about my paper -- which I should be writing at this very moment instead of blogging -- and he says 'I got your email'. Then he says, 'You're stressin' me out baybay!' and I say 'ooh no, that's not what I meant to do... but! It's good! I'm glad you're telling me this!' We proceed to talk about how I need to have emotional discussions way more than he is willing, and that this is causing him some stress. I'm left with mixed feelings and then Sm comes into my room.

I tell him what I discussed with P. Explain how P doesn't like to trust emotions, but rather think through emotions, and Sm agrees with P's strategy. He explains that relationships need to be compartmentalized; you get different things from different relationships and although I am usually a more deeply involved friend, it's not necessarily to be such a deeply involved girlfriend.

It clicks! P is not one of my girlfriends. I don't need to share everything with him. In fact, it's probably better if things come out over time. Besides, P's not telling me I can't share things with him, he's just asking that I don't push him for his own opinions.

I called him to tell him I got it. He reacted funnily, a little stunned, but sweet. He said that even though I may feel like I don't know him right now, these things get known over time. He said there is friendship and a mutual understanding between us that separates our relationship from strictly friendship. From this I deduce that I need to have faith that I will learn more things about him over time.

He did however say I could ask him two questions about any topic that he would answer fully. I couldn't think of any on the spot... but I will definitely think about them carefully.

Overall, good conversation. My confidence needs a little boost still, but this was a good help.