what got me here

I made an appointment to meet with a therapist.

P and I have been living together for two months, and I'm not going to lie, it's been tough. I'm not sure how to follow this sentence. I don't want to say something that puts the blame on him, but I don't want to exaggerate the blame on myself either. So let's just say no body's to blame, it's just an adjustment period. An adjustment period with more arguments than we've ever had.

It makes sense, for the last 4.5 years, we've seen each other only when we wanted to, usually once per week and the weekend. We each had out own space and our own ways of doing things. Now all that is shared.

I find myself being so critical, so 'this is the way to do this properly', so obsessed with efficiency that I point out things, that in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter.

Also, I've been having these waves every month or so. It's a wave of feminism that causes a great deal of tension between me and P. I've had a conversation with V about this before, I said something like 'he's not aware enough about women's issues' or 'he doesn't care enough about women's issues' and 'if I ever have a daughter, I don't want to impose all this awareness (and anxiety) about women's issues onto her, but I don't want to pretend like the world is fair to women, I want her to do what she wants to do even if it isn't fair'. V said something like 'yes, but if P inherently thinks men and women are equal, he will never tell his daughter she can't do something, the thought won't even cross his mind'.

True.

But it still makes me mad, when I feel guilty about talking about some feministy sounding thing, or that I want to watch a documentary about the misrepresentation of women in the media (Missrepresentation, the movie) and I feel like I have to ask permission and make sure it's okay. And then I feel too awkward and guilty afterwards to ask him what he thought about it because I know he's thinking I'm going to pounce on whatever he says (which might be true sometimes). But sometimes I think he's so unaware of what he's saying.

It's just that for the last few days I've really been thinking about if our values are aligned on this issue or not, and how important it is to me.

Jesus, why do i have a lump in my throat while writing this?

Part of me feels like I can't really talk to him. That he doesn't want to hear what I'm thinking, unless it's legitimate enough to warrant emotion. If it's something that causes me to worry, I should keep it to myself.

Yes, I know I have my own issues to deal with, hence the therapist appointment, but i feel like he never looks at himself and what he could improve. If I told him "i feel like i can't talk to you about things that worry me", he'd say "of course you can" and I'd say "but i don't feel like I can" he'd say "well, i can't do anything about that' instead of wondering "maybe there's something I'm doing that's making her feel this way".

If it horrible that sometimes I wish I could just say "when i say somethings worrying me, just respond like this (insert comforting words here)". Does that mean I just want him to be a yes-man? Isn't that the least feminist thing I could do? I kind of hate that saying "a happy wife is a happy life", I feel like it's bullshit, but I worry I'm buying into it somehow.

I don't know what to do with all these thoughts, and these stories that I'm telling myself. So I'm going to see a therapist who does individual and couples, and who specializes in self-esteem and has a feminist penchant.

I need to get this under control.