Mentally Jumping Through Hoops

This week was okay for the most part. Sunday or Monday I found out that my step-dad had chest pains and was taken to the hospital. This is 5 years after his first heart attack, and many years of continued smoking and drinking. Although we've had a strained relationship, there's no question that I would be devastated if anything were to happen to him. It feels like there are too many people dying around me. Every time my mom calls I always listen to her tone to see if I can hear and anticipate the news that my gramma is gone, or that my step-dad didn't make it through the night.

This news, compounded with the woman's story (see previous post) and various thoughts floating in my head about relationships and expectations lead up to a tense night last night with P. For the first time in the 1 year and 3 months we've been together, I felt cold towards him. Something in me wanted to be distant. 'You put yourself and your career first, fine, I don't need you' ran through my head. These thoughts were totally irrational and speaking to the news of my stepdad more than anything else.

There's lots of change happening around me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take it all in. I spoke to my mom tonight and she said 'P is teaching you lessons, he's waking things up in you that are about you, not about your relationship. He's making you think about what you want in life and what you want in a partner. You're not waking up as much in him, because he's not allowing it, he's not there yet. He still needs to feel in control'. I think she's right. Part of me worries about all these questions I'm always asking myself. I worry that I'm over-thinking and obsessing, but now that I think about it, it is just a way of sorting out what i want out of life and out of relationships. Logically I know this is a good thing, because, I think I will know when I've learned all I needed to learn from this person.

I have to remember that relationships should be grounded in the present, because the future doesn't mean too much in reality. I was thinking that something in me wanted a promise. Do you want him to ask you to marry him? Do you want to have kids? Well, logically I know neither of these things are promises enough to keep people together, or to make them love each other. Screw promises, you can't promise anything to anyone, because things change so much. Besides, I would never want to coax someone into promising me anything. I know the nuances of promises and questions like 'will you love me forever?' because i know that love could mean different things, it can evolve and it can die. I myself know that I would answer 'well, I will love you as long as i can, but that love might change into another kind of love as time goes on'..

All this to say, today I was very upset with the world. I was asking a lot of it: I was asking for certainty, but all it could tell me was 'everything will be okay'. Somehow that wasn't enough, but after talking to my mom, it seems not so bad.

Besides, I'm consoled by the thought that my mom says her two greatest loves are her children and that knowing we're in the world fills her heart with love everyday. I'd jump through hoops for her.

Oh, pourquoi es-tu si belle?

My coworker found this pretty girl on The Sartorialist blog. Very pretty, very classic. One thing I've noticed about this photographers recent images is that there are always two matching colors balancing the frame. For example, her red nail polish with a red sign in the back. They don't have to be obvious, but just visible enough for the eyes to look, connect and forget in the pleasantness that is in the image.

Two women came into the boutique today. I knew one of them (an ex of my friend) and she happened to also call her daughter Adl. She was with a friend and we began chatting about names. Her friend said her daughter's name was Juliette. She told the story of how they forgot to give her middle names when she and her partner were filling out legal papers at the hospital. She said she sort of thought it was strange because her daughter didn't have her name anywhere, as it is pretty common in these parts for the children to take both parents' family names. She said 'My partner and I had only been together two months when I got pregnant.. I didn't get the chance to want to have children with him, it just happened. Before that I had been with a man for 10 years, we discussed children, we planned on it. I was thinking of baby names that would go well with his last name. Now I find myself with a baby who doesn't have my name, and doesn't have the name I imagined my baby having. In some ways, I still have to get used to her family name.'

The woman looked perfectly content, but something in me felt sad. Maybe her calmness betrayed something, or maybe I just saw my own fear and sadness reflected in her. I thought it was sad that you could spend so much time with someone, imagine such grand things with them and then have it all go to waste, disappear, as if they had never happened. I sometimes worry that that will happen to me.

Of course, if someone is in a good place, a healthy and balanced place, then even such a drastic change can be taken with stride... I suppose it comes back to the question of 'do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one?' I don't feel i'm in that situation, but I think it's one of my biggest fears.

I'm looking forward to NYC with P.

Less is More

I just finished watching Coco Avant Chanel. It is far from being a life changing movie, but it did have an interesting impact on me. Audrey Tautou is pretty, that's a given, but what came out of this movie in particular was how pretty dark haired women are. I don't think we think of black-haired beauties in the same way as other beautiful women. Tautou was simply stunning. I also enjoyed her thick eyebrows and straight eyelashes -- both features I've personally been embarrassed about my whole life, for a reason unknown to me.

Also, when sending my application to UofT and exploring the possibility of getting accepted, I made a decision somewhere in my mind that I would cut my hair really short. A new beginning? A new identity? Maybe. I really like this haircut, and now that I've found a picture, maybe I will cut it if I get accepted.



I've rekindled my passion for fashion in the last few days. I fell on a website with Marc Jacobs' latest collection and I thought 'Yes! He did it again!' He did a forties thing in the early 2000s that blew me away, and probably ignited my love for forties fashion.



and



simply lovely.

Beautiful details, always the details.



Now, this girl has the craziest, zaniest fashion blog i've ever seen. I had heard about her last year, but she has since skyrocketed into hipsterdome. She's going to fashion shows and making a name for herself at 13 years old. How do these things happen? I can't wrap my mind around it, though I do appreciate her use of Wes Anderson's favourite font for her blog title. All this leads me to believe her blog is too good to be true, but interesting nonetheless.

Why is Robert Redford so Cool?

Even when he plays ping-pong (with Paul Newman no less).

Mighty Girls!

This week started out rough, but ended up uncharacteristically light and bright. I had a good talk with P earlier this week post-'nobody cares about me!'. It happens to me every year around this time, I get lonely, feel disconnected. I remember two years ago I felt the same way, except I was single, so somehow it felt worse. I remember talking to my mom outside of the Concordia library and saying how I had tried to call my dad and we didn't connect, and I probably felt like my friends were busy (which they probably were -- hey! they were students! duh). I remember feeling totally lost and sad. It didn't feel exactly the same this time, but a combination of factors did cue a reminder. Everybody came to my rescue, of course. I think I have to trust and be more patient when it comes to this stuff.

I just found something on the (don't laugh) Oprah website about the ebb and flows of relationships:

Unlike dysfunction, healthy intimacy pulls away, bounces back, creates infinite fresh configurations. Trusting the rhythm of each relationship, rather than insisting on robotic consistency, will keep you from panicking when someone's boundaries move a bit toward or away from you. Insist on continuous connection with just one individual: your own self, who knows where to draw the boundary lines on any given day, with any given person.

I think it rings true, and it's something I have to constantly remind myself.

The week zipped by. I don't even remembered what I did half the time. I know I saw P on one afternoon. I went to a fish fry at a church with Vnss and Lv. Went to a sweet 80th birthday supper for a friend of P's family. Had his parents and sister over for brunch today -- big success. I made an egg bake with mushrooms and asparagus and goat cheese, with a garden salad, fruit salad, breakfast sausage, cantaloupe, a little nectarine-kiwi salad and some croissant. It was really great. All the colors were so pretty. It made a lovely plate. Before his parents arrived, P and I hung around and talked. It was a nice change. We're usually doing things all the time, we rarely sit on the couch and talk. I like how aware I am of when he chooses to open up. It feels kind of special every time.

I went swimming friday morning, and I had a great rest of day. I should should should go more often... but I'm going to hold off on the pressure for now.

This seems like a pretty cute website. Chin up! Let's be mighty!

Off & On

After sending out a few feelers on this bored situation, I've come to conclude that being bored is, in fact, okay. Someone made me realise I don't have to be 'on' or 'on it' all the time, and though I know this in theory, I have to put my money were my mouth is. Besides, I spent my whole childhood being okay with being bored. I used to say I could never be bored no matter how dull the situation I was in -- mostly involving television. Why would I want to push that so far away from me? I turned out okay despite all the tv-time.

I've decided to be okay with this, so tonight I'm watching Gilmore Girls on DVD.

I had another strange thing happen to me in the last three days. I had been sending emails here and there to P and other friends (links I found funny, but more thoughtful emails too). I'm always torn about my motivation for sending emails. Do I send them simply to get a response? In many cases, I think the answer is yes. Somehow, yesterday, all this came down to 'nobody gives a shit about what I think and feel (because they don't respond to my emails)' and 'nobody wants to connect with me'. It was all very dramatic in my mind.

I know I'm in a weird spot right now. I can tell the difference between my level of zen-ness now and my level a month and a half ago. There are minor traces of desperation.. there are obvious signals I'm not putting myself first.. but I'm mixed up because everything seems to be going so well...

Watching the film 'Little Children' did it. I spent the evening feeling depressed. Then I started crying. Somehow I really wanted to talk to P. I knew he was at work, but I texted him to call me if he had a free minute. Not 2 minutes later he called.

Me: making crying noises. Him: Bb, are you okay? What's wrong? Me: Nobody responds to my eeemails! Nobody wants to connect with me!

He proceeds to apologise for not responding to the last few emails I sent, he consoles me and promises to respond to them the next day. Then he asks me a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel better that he is engaging with me. I realized late in the evening that this situation felt so acute because it reminded me of my non-responsive parents, and how much that hurt growing up. I asked him if he's stressed (because i felt like he was distant in the day) and he says yes. So all in all it was a good conversation, followed by good emails. He responded very openly to the email I sent him about being bored. He shared a lot in that email. It was nice to feel like he let me in for a little bit.

In other news, more diy projects up my sleeve. I'm thinking about doing a large grouping of artworks in my room instead of having them all spread out like I do now. I absolutely adore thinking about these things.

Fun!

Move it along, Nothin' to see here...

I'm bored. Busy, but bored. What's up with that?

Polka Dot Tights

A few things happened since last week. Deciding that I would do my best to move beyond fear, I decided I would have a conversation with P about how I was feeling. What was the most fundamental was that I missed him, and not being able to share this with him because of my own fear seemed unhealthy, so I did. He instantly said 'I miss you too' and then I explained a little more my quest to get beyond my fear and so on. In the instant that I did it, I felt better, and I've felt better ever since. In fact, I think it sort of opened the door for him to express how he feels too. He's been expressing stuff he didn't used to, so it makes me feel like we're on the same 'miss you' page.

Last week was good, this week has started off well, we spent a whole 24 hours together last weekend. We went to see a jazz show with some friends and it was pretty good. The next day when he asked me what I wanted to do I said 'oh.. i don't know..' and when he asked me again later I said 'anything as long as you're around' which is what I was holding back from saying earlier. So we went shopping for pants. After he decided on a few pairs, he offered to buy me a little something to thank me for my help. So I picked out awesome polka dot tights, which I've wanted for a long time, but somehow could never justify buying.

I wore my polka dot tights today when we went to see Avatar this afternoon. I think it's actually cool that my work schedule is M-W-F, because then we can spend some afternoon time together occasionally. I think i'm more comfortable asking for some of this time now.

In other news, I got accepted to McGill and I have to give them my answer before the 19th. It turns out my answer needs to be accompanied by a 300$ non-refundable deposit. After a few hours of panic, P made me realize that I should be investing in my future, not taking risks like this. I was thinking of taking a leap of faith that everything would work out for Toronto -- get the Ontario Graduate Scholarship, get accepted and get funding -- but those chances are seriously slim. He offered to pay for it, which makes me want to cry because it's so sweet and generous. He also said his parents would help too, because he had mentioned a potential fee to his mom last week. His mother did offer to pay for it too in an email exchange I had with her today.

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I wish McGill wasn't asking for such a ridiculously huge chunk of change. I wish I didn't have as much debt as my age x 1000. I hope someday I can be generous too.

In other other news, I did my very first do-it-yourself upholstery project and it was fantastic! I reupholstered two little stools I found outside. Covered them with dark purple velvet, spray painted the metal frame in silver - they are gorgeous! I'm totally addicted to d-i-y projects now. They make you feel so good. They make you feel like you're doing something. It's good to do something with our hands. I've got my eye on a complicated shelf system. P said he would help me. I love the thought of doing d-i-y projects with him. I'm all proud of my little stools.

Fun fun fun..

Mind-Heart Disconnect

Ugh. I'm tired of my mind and my heart being incommunicado. Lat week sort of zipped by, I felt good about my busyness, I felt good about the work I was doing, I felt good in general. Then Wednesday, I miss him. Okay, it's normal. Just keep going. I knew I was seeing him on Sunday night at his house with a few other friends. Great. Sunday morning, up, bright and early, I miss him. I cry a little bit. I remember 'don't make breaking down a habit' and I suck it up, besides, I'm going to see him that night. Sunday was lovely, we took a nice short nap on the couch when I arrived. Both tired -- from what? Sleeping?

The part with friends was fine. I admit, I did think for a split second: 'the only night I get with him, and I have to share him?!' but I also thought it would be good for him to socialize with other people, since his schedule doesn't normally allow it. I never want to be the girlfriend who keeps him from his friends. Tonight, tears. Am I tired? I felt tired this morning. Am I stressed? Maybe, I just found out about a presentation I'll have to do in my class, alone, and in french. Do I miss him? Yeah.

There are two weird things happening within me. The one part that completely understands what he's doing and why he's doing it. Understands and respects. The other part (my heart) that hurts a little (euphemism) that I can only see him once per week, and the bigger heart-part that worries my emotions will end my relationship. I imagine it as something like this: "I miss you and this once per week things hurts, even though I understand it" "Well... I don't want to hurt you, so it's over".

Wow. Writing that down seems really dramatic. A few weeks ago I would have been totally against the idea of opening this part of me (my heart) to him about this, but I think I will tomorrow. And I think I have a mix of reasonable and emotional stuff to bring to the table, so that it creates a somewhat messy situation which he will hopefully understand, tell me he loves me and that it's okay.

I think I want to tell him more about my book, because that's where my head-heart connection makes sense (or at least, is put into words). I feel like my heart is exposed in general right now, feeling everything with great intensity: my gramma, all this feminist stuff, my relationship, and even some friendships. So the situation with not seeing him is sensitive, even though I know and feel that our hearts are connected.

Tomorrow I don't work. And I think I'm planning a trip to nyc sometime in march (avec ou sans P). I saw a great movie called Herb & Dorothy, about a couple of modest incomes who built one of the most important contemporary art collections ever. It made me want to consume art. Besides that I'm reading a book to help me find my passion. I'm giving myself one year to find it, and make it my life.

I bought this poster. It makes me happy.