Mentally Jumping Through Hoops

This week was okay for the most part. Sunday or Monday I found out that my step-dad had chest pains and was taken to the hospital. This is 5 years after his first heart attack, and many years of continued smoking and drinking. Although we've had a strained relationship, there's no question that I would be devastated if anything were to happen to him. It feels like there are too many people dying around me. Every time my mom calls I always listen to her tone to see if I can hear and anticipate the news that my gramma is gone, or that my step-dad didn't make it through the night.

This news, compounded with the woman's story (see previous post) and various thoughts floating in my head about relationships and expectations lead up to a tense night last night with P. For the first time in the 1 year and 3 months we've been together, I felt cold towards him. Something in me wanted to be distant. 'You put yourself and your career first, fine, I don't need you' ran through my head. These thoughts were totally irrational and speaking to the news of my stepdad more than anything else.

There's lots of change happening around me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take it all in. I spoke to my mom tonight and she said 'P is teaching you lessons, he's waking things up in you that are about you, not about your relationship. He's making you think about what you want in life and what you want in a partner. You're not waking up as much in him, because he's not allowing it, he's not there yet. He still needs to feel in control'. I think she's right. Part of me worries about all these questions I'm always asking myself. I worry that I'm over-thinking and obsessing, but now that I think about it, it is just a way of sorting out what i want out of life and out of relationships. Logically I know this is a good thing, because, I think I will know when I've learned all I needed to learn from this person.

I have to remember that relationships should be grounded in the present, because the future doesn't mean too much in reality. I was thinking that something in me wanted a promise. Do you want him to ask you to marry him? Do you want to have kids? Well, logically I know neither of these things are promises enough to keep people together, or to make them love each other. Screw promises, you can't promise anything to anyone, because things change so much. Besides, I would never want to coax someone into promising me anything. I know the nuances of promises and questions like 'will you love me forever?' because i know that love could mean different things, it can evolve and it can die. I myself know that I would answer 'well, I will love you as long as i can, but that love might change into another kind of love as time goes on'..

All this to say, today I was very upset with the world. I was asking a lot of it: I was asking for certainty, but all it could tell me was 'everything will be okay'. Somehow that wasn't enough, but after talking to my mom, it seems not so bad.

Besides, I'm consoled by the thought that my mom says her two greatest loves are her children and that knowing we're in the world fills her heart with love everyday. I'd jump through hoops for her.