The part with friends was fine. I admit, I did think for a split second: 'the only night I get with him, and I have to share him?!' but I also thought it would be good for him to socialize with other people, since his schedule doesn't normally allow it. I never want to be the girlfriend who keeps him from his friends. Tonight, tears. Am I tired? I felt tired this morning. Am I stressed? Maybe, I just found out about a presentation I'll have to do in my class, alone, and in french. Do I miss him? Yeah.
There are two weird things happening within me. The one part that completely understands what he's doing and why he's doing it. Understands and respects. The other part (my heart) that hurts a little (euphemism) that I can only see him once per week, and the bigger heart-part that worries my emotions will end my relationship. I imagine it as something like this: "I miss you and this once per week things hurts, even though I understand it" "Well... I don't want to hurt you, so it's over".
Wow. Writing that down seems really dramatic. A few weeks ago I would have been totally against the idea of opening this part of me (my heart) to him about this, but I think I will tomorrow. And I think I have a mix of reasonable and emotional stuff to bring to the table, so that it creates a somewhat messy situation which he will hopefully understand, tell me he loves me and that it's okay.
I think I want to tell him more about my book, because that's where my head-heart connection makes sense (or at least, is put into words). I feel like my heart is exposed in general right now, feeling everything with great intensity: my gramma, all this feminist stuff, my relationship, and even some friendships. So the situation with not seeing him is sensitive, even though I know and feel that our hearts are connected.
Tomorrow I don't work. And I think I'm planning a trip to nyc sometime in march (avec ou sans P). I saw a great movie called Herb & Dorothy, about a couple of modest incomes who built one of the most important contemporary art collections ever. It made me want to consume art. Besides that I'm reading a book to help me find my passion. I'm giving myself one year to find it, and make it my life.
I bought this poster. It makes me happy.
1 comment:
Why don't you have a genuine heart-to-heart with him? At this rate, you'll resent him for making you feel like you're getting the short end of the stick.
There's no reason to believe he'll break up with you for wanting to see him more often. In fact, I'd bet any thinking man would be flattered by the prospect :)
There's a fine line between understanding his actions and playing the martyr. You are not a martyr. We might love imperfect beings, but they must love us too. It is not an expectation that they do, it is our right to demand it from them as mutually respectful souls.
Sure, a career is important, but a relationship takes time to maintain as well. He shouldn't be taking it for granted. Why is it justified to have someone cheer him on while there is no equivalent compromise/effort on his part to make you feel like a million bucks (which you deserve completely)?
So talk to him. Tell him, Okay, here's what I want from you because I can no longer live parallel lives anymore. You want to emphasize that it means a lot to you and that a fair deal benefits the long-term health of the relationship. If he "doesn't want to hurt you," he'll know what's best for him and make more time for you.
And if being on track to a sterling career means more than your feelings, then fuck it, you're better than that.
Assert yourself.
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