Off & On

After sending out a few feelers on this bored situation, I've come to conclude that being bored is, in fact, okay. Someone made me realise I don't have to be 'on' or 'on it' all the time, and though I know this in theory, I have to put my money were my mouth is. Besides, I spent my whole childhood being okay with being bored. I used to say I could never be bored no matter how dull the situation I was in -- mostly involving television. Why would I want to push that so far away from me? I turned out okay despite all the tv-time.

I've decided to be okay with this, so tonight I'm watching Gilmore Girls on DVD.

I had another strange thing happen to me in the last three days. I had been sending emails here and there to P and other friends (links I found funny, but more thoughtful emails too). I'm always torn about my motivation for sending emails. Do I send them simply to get a response? In many cases, I think the answer is yes. Somehow, yesterday, all this came down to 'nobody gives a shit about what I think and feel (because they don't respond to my emails)' and 'nobody wants to connect with me'. It was all very dramatic in my mind.

I know I'm in a weird spot right now. I can tell the difference between my level of zen-ness now and my level a month and a half ago. There are minor traces of desperation.. there are obvious signals I'm not putting myself first.. but I'm mixed up because everything seems to be going so well...

Watching the film 'Little Children' did it. I spent the evening feeling depressed. Then I started crying. Somehow I really wanted to talk to P. I knew he was at work, but I texted him to call me if he had a free minute. Not 2 minutes later he called.

Me: making crying noises. Him: Bb, are you okay? What's wrong? Me: Nobody responds to my eeemails! Nobody wants to connect with me!

He proceeds to apologise for not responding to the last few emails I sent, he consoles me and promises to respond to them the next day. Then he asks me a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel better that he is engaging with me. I realized late in the evening that this situation felt so acute because it reminded me of my non-responsive parents, and how much that hurt growing up. I asked him if he's stressed (because i felt like he was distant in the day) and he says yes. So all in all it was a good conversation, followed by good emails. He responded very openly to the email I sent him about being bored. He shared a lot in that email. It was nice to feel like he let me in for a little bit.

In other news, more diy projects up my sleeve. I'm thinking about doing a large grouping of artworks in my room instead of having them all spread out like I do now. I absolutely adore thinking about these things.

Fun!