Corny Blog Alert!

Okay okay, I know it sounds corny, but I landed on Gwyneth Paltrow's blog and it's really really good.

Lately (for the last 6 months), I've been thinking a lot about relationships and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's interesting to think about how we can begin to be more generous with ourselves for others and how this can make relationships less selfish, which I think they may often be for me.

Gwyneth has two very insightful Q&As on relationships which are good food for thought and in tune with what i've been thinking these past months.

"Instead of wasting time with the ego's version of love, return to the place of love. To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego. You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self." - Deepak Chopra

I have been feeling generally more fulfilled. Things are great with P. I'm still putting myself first, going with the flow, being productive. I've got to work on the better eating and better exercising though... Maybe I'll get a metro pass and start swimming instead of biking... I feel like biking rattles me up a lot. Swimming is more calming.

I want to be zen!

!!!

My brain is exploding with stimulation!

Design and the elastic mind! I wish I would have been there! But it has changed everything!

ahhhh!!!

(procrastinating)

Hmmm...

http://www.natthefatrat.com/2009/10/in-defense-of-small-things.html

it seems this lady's on to something...

I'm My Own Distraction

It's funny how I can get so many other things done when I should be doing something else. Last week I hit (what I felt was) the halfway mark in my semester. Everything up to that point seemed like a giant pile of stuff I had to do through. Now I feel like a new thing comes on my plate every day and I can deal with it right away. This whole 'putting myself first' business has really helped with feeling productive and healthy.

I feel like I've re-programmed my habits a little bit, especially when thinking about eating out, buying unecessary food (who needs a Twix every day?), so it makes me feel more responsible about my health and my money. Being seriously broke for one month really put things into perspective. I haven't been freezing meals in advance as much anymore, but I do try to use what I have instead of buying one-off things. Although.. Coaticook Maple Sugar ice cream is to die for.

Things are great with P. We're nicely balanced these days. I'm go with the flow, but asserting myself more. Being busy with all kinds of projects I care about is also very rewarding.

I'm a little worried that too few women are putting themselves first. Not like half-first, I mean First-first! Being satisfied with what we do is so tightly linked with every other facet of life.. I'm amazed.

I really, really, really, really want to go to New York and eat it all up!

Strong Reactions: Honest or Rude?

Is it possible to have a strong reaction to something you don't care about?

P reacted with disgust and almost insult when he saw that L sent me an email an Ex-in-the-making wrote to her. Basically this guy was playing the hot and cold card with her, and she wanted some advice about how to handle it. He said something like 'ahhhrg stupid, fuc -- silence -- girls' followed by 'i love you'. I said, 'fine, I'm won't tell you about it' and he responded sharply 'I don't want to hear about it'. I shrugged it off and continued my email to her.

I know I shouldn't expect him to understand how girls think... much less about how sometimes they need support, another perspective, about how being heartbroken hurts and having someone talk about how hard it is for them to have dumped you hurts even more. But I think he should have some decency about how he reacts to it. He said 'don't do that with my emails!' I said, 'I don't!' I felt like it was personal.I felt like he was thinking something negative towards girls who need their girlfriend's advice.

I feel like I want to bring this up again... as some kind of solidarity act, but part of me is afraid to bring the topic up (fear of rocking the boat, of course)...

At the same time, I think I should just let it go. I can't blame him for not understanding.

I think it would be wise if I let this go. I have to remember that Ermerson quote...

The Future

So after a series of complications (and panics) with rides and departure times, I left friday morning to go visit the University of Toronto. I arrived about 5 minutes before my meeting, and thankfully Ll was there to drive me to the door.

I walk in, ring the bell, and a pretty older lady guides me to the assistant Dean's office. I walk in, a beautiful grey-haired, bobbed, pearl wearing lady greets me with her smile. I sit down, we talk about the school, the city, my background, we discuss funding and she encourages me to apply to the SSHRC (worth 17 500$) and then she shows me through the school. We go to the top, look at the view, she tells me 'this is where we have tea every thursday', we meet other friendly profs in the halls, everything is wonderful. The building itself is very 70s inside, but it felt like walking through some kind of prestigious building where smart, nice people study.

I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I felt it.

I spend a lovely 14 hours in the city with my Mount Allison friend Lr. Hung out with some great ex-Mount A students. The whole thing made me realize what nice people there are in the world.

I also realized how if you really want something, you can get it.

I had been researching grants and funding options since last fall, but knowing Information is considered a professional MA, it limits my eligibility for certain grants. I thought the SSHRC wouldn't work, but when the assistant Dean told me I should, I thought I would. Long-story-short: I panicked (since the deadline is friday), sent a bunch of emails to profs late last night, and hoped somehow everything would magically fall into place this morning. Of course they all want to write letters for me, I thought. The reality is not that they don't want to, it's that they don't have time. One prof told me just that. Another told me she didn't know me well enough. After the second rejection, I re-emailed the other two profs and told them to forget about it and pretend it never happened.

I feel like a fool. I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the only professors I really knew. I feel like I've tarnished the idea they had of me in their minds.

I think, 'do it once and do it right', but this panic about the future got me in a frenzie. I know it's not the end of the world, but this morning I felt like I fucked my future, hard.

Now I think, 'what the fuck?' I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway, and there are other options to consider. Now i've got to rock all my classes to get killer grades to get funding from the university.

I need to chill the fuck out. Besides, I'm not in a rush to leave this city - I just got my bed situation figured out!

In other news, things are great with P. Although, now I sort of feel like I let him down by fucking up this application thing.. Why does it matter to me if I screw up in front of him anyway?

Sheets! and Treats!

I bought sheets this week. Finally, a bed, nice sheets, things are coming together! I daydreamed about my bed today... it was really funny. (They don't look like the ones in the picture -- I wish! -- but I find this bed so pretty!)

I realized something this weekend. I went to a Cinema students party with P and Lé on friday. P slept over and earlier he had told me he had lots of work to do over the weekend. I was going to be busy myself, working the whole weekend (which I usually don't) and various schoolwork needed to be done. I had a lovely saturday working at Bummis and reserved that night to spend with Vnss. We went to a restaurant I like a lot, despite its terrible service, Les Enfants Terribles, and had dessert and a cocktail. It was really fucking fantastic. I had forgotten what it was to spend time with my girlfriend under non-distress circumstances. We hadn't done anything like this in a while, given that we were both broke, and it was really refreshing. I spent the next sunday at home mostly, doing schoolwork, preparing for a presentation, not really thinking of P.

The times I spoke to him on Sunday and Monday were a little bit rushed -- me being the first to say 'okay well...' (like the wrap up of a phone conversation) and him going on a little more about something that happened in the day. I felt a little bit like I was playing a game, the 'I'm too busy to talk to you' game. It was like a guard or something. I didn't like that feeling. I thought, hell, if I've gotten to the point of playing games with him, that's not a good sign, and maybe it would be better to seriously consider what is really best for the both of us.

Quickly after though, I realized what I was really doing was putting myself first, focusing on my activities, doing things I like doing, doing things that make me feel productive. The whole thing made me realize what 'putting myself first' meant. I had totally forgotten. Not forgotten, I didn't understand what it meant anymore! So now I thought, well, if that's what he's doing, that's okay. And if that's what I have to do to make this relationship work, then, what's so bad about that!?

I had this whole dramatic scenario in my head that pictured 'putting myself first' as the first step towards estrangement. Like two people riding bikes on the same path but not talking to each other. But it doesn't have to be like that.

Besides, I really need to step up my game in this last semester... I haven't been giving it my 100% and I don't feel good about that.

I'm going to Toronto tomorrow to visit the University of Toronto's Faculty of Information science. I'm pretty nervous, but also very excited. On my own in the big city for a day... I'll have to try and picture myself there. I hope it's a good picture.

What else? I feel like I had so many things to say! Oh well... I'll just crawl into my soft comfy bed...

I feel a little bit like this girl.

Allan King

"Reality -- one finds that it's full of contradictions and all the values in it are human. And therefore, being human, they tend to be full of tensions between various notions of what is good and what is valuable. Life is about working out resolutions between those tensions and those conflicts so that you can live longer, hurt people less, get more pleasure and do all the things people want to do."

I know I'll be okay if this ends. I'm just not ready to give up yet. 

Expectations

'Would it be easier on you if we did break up?'

that's what I really want to ask him.