The Future

So after a series of complications (and panics) with rides and departure times, I left friday morning to go visit the University of Toronto. I arrived about 5 minutes before my meeting, and thankfully Ll was there to drive me to the door.

I walk in, ring the bell, and a pretty older lady guides me to the assistant Dean's office. I walk in, a beautiful grey-haired, bobbed, pearl wearing lady greets me with her smile. I sit down, we talk about the school, the city, my background, we discuss funding and she encourages me to apply to the SSHRC (worth 17 500$) and then she shows me through the school. We go to the top, look at the view, she tells me 'this is where we have tea every thursday', we meet other friendly profs in the halls, everything is wonderful. The building itself is very 70s inside, but it felt like walking through some kind of prestigious building where smart, nice people study.

I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I felt it.

I spend a lovely 14 hours in the city with my Mount Allison friend Lr. Hung out with some great ex-Mount A students. The whole thing made me realize what nice people there are in the world.

I also realized how if you really want something, you can get it.

I had been researching grants and funding options since last fall, but knowing Information is considered a professional MA, it limits my eligibility for certain grants. I thought the SSHRC wouldn't work, but when the assistant Dean told me I should, I thought I would. Long-story-short: I panicked (since the deadline is friday), sent a bunch of emails to profs late last night, and hoped somehow everything would magically fall into place this morning. Of course they all want to write letters for me, I thought. The reality is not that they don't want to, it's that they don't have time. One prof told me just that. Another told me she didn't know me well enough. After the second rejection, I re-emailed the other two profs and told them to forget about it and pretend it never happened.

I feel like a fool. I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the only professors I really knew. I feel like I've tarnished the idea they had of me in their minds.

I think, 'do it once and do it right', but this panic about the future got me in a frenzie. I know it's not the end of the world, but this morning I felt like I fucked my future, hard.

Now I think, 'what the fuck?' I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway, and there are other options to consider. Now i've got to rock all my classes to get killer grades to get funding from the university.

I need to chill the fuck out. Besides, I'm not in a rush to leave this city - I just got my bed situation figured out!

In other news, things are great with P. Although, now I sort of feel like I let him down by fucking up this application thing.. Why does it matter to me if I screw up in front of him anyway?