Sheets! and Treats!

I bought sheets this week. Finally, a bed, nice sheets, things are coming together! I daydreamed about my bed today... it was really funny. (They don't look like the ones in the picture -- I wish! -- but I find this bed so pretty!)

I realized something this weekend. I went to a Cinema students party with P and Lé on friday. P slept over and earlier he had told me he had lots of work to do over the weekend. I was going to be busy myself, working the whole weekend (which I usually don't) and various schoolwork needed to be done. I had a lovely saturday working at Bummis and reserved that night to spend with Vnss. We went to a restaurant I like a lot, despite its terrible service, Les Enfants Terribles, and had dessert and a cocktail. It was really fucking fantastic. I had forgotten what it was to spend time with my girlfriend under non-distress circumstances. We hadn't done anything like this in a while, given that we were both broke, and it was really refreshing. I spent the next sunday at home mostly, doing schoolwork, preparing for a presentation, not really thinking of P.

The times I spoke to him on Sunday and Monday were a little bit rushed -- me being the first to say 'okay well...' (like the wrap up of a phone conversation) and him going on a little more about something that happened in the day. I felt a little bit like I was playing a game, the 'I'm too busy to talk to you' game. It was like a guard or something. I didn't like that feeling. I thought, hell, if I've gotten to the point of playing games with him, that's not a good sign, and maybe it would be better to seriously consider what is really best for the both of us.

Quickly after though, I realized what I was really doing was putting myself first, focusing on my activities, doing things I like doing, doing things that make me feel productive. The whole thing made me realize what 'putting myself first' meant. I had totally forgotten. Not forgotten, I didn't understand what it meant anymore! So now I thought, well, if that's what he's doing, that's okay. And if that's what I have to do to make this relationship work, then, what's so bad about that!?

I had this whole dramatic scenario in my head that pictured 'putting myself first' as the first step towards estrangement. Like two people riding bikes on the same path but not talking to each other. But it doesn't have to be like that.

Besides, I really need to step up my game in this last semester... I haven't been giving it my 100% and I don't feel good about that.

I'm going to Toronto tomorrow to visit the University of Toronto's Faculty of Information science. I'm pretty nervous, but also very excited. On my own in the big city for a day... I'll have to try and picture myself there. I hope it's a good picture.

What else? I feel like I had so many things to say! Oh well... I'll just crawl into my soft comfy bed...

I feel a little bit like this girl.