Tied at the Hip

I just spent the last four days straight with P. It was amazingly fun and relaxing. We don't usually spend so much consecutive time together, probably because some part of me was a little bit afraid of the tension that can go along with being with someone 24 hours per day, but mostly because we're both kind of busy. We've been painting his new place and it's all coming together quite nicely.

I love how we can be in the same room, painting and not talking. I love not talking with him. I love how he lets me be in my head a little, but he always makes contact with me: a brush on the back here, a kiss on the forehead there. We're constantly touching each other, which is something I never really thought I would do. Fear was always holding me back, but now, contact is warmth and love.

I must admit, I was a little bit worried about our 'not talking'. I worried that our relationship was not communicative enough and that I was holding back or avoiding debatable topics to keep everything smooth. Last night we went to see a great film, 'J'ai tué ma mère', and we proceeded to have a great post-film discussion with L and her friends about our impressions of the film. P was saying that the most important part of a great film, and often what makes it a 'classic', is the seed of the film, the idea, or the story. I was arguing that although the nucleus of the film is important, what matters most is the way in which this idea is executed, the visuals, the style, the merging of form and content. We sort of agreed, but we were mostly disagreeing, all the while laughing and giving each other googly eyes. Later that evening he said, 'bebe, you're such a hard arguer', and it sort of made me happy. I was happy that we were having a discussion, a debate, about something we really believed in but we were still totally listening and trying to understand the other without getting defensive. He doesn't inspire defensiveness in me at all, which is really refreshing.

It's cool how, with P, my instinct is to go with the flow, not spill all my beans at once (which used to be my style: 'bombard them with information and see if they'll stick around') and deal with each neurotic drama one at a time. It feels really good to have one's natural instincts 'accepted' (that seems like the wrong word, but you know what I mean).



On Sunday after the movie, we bought ice cream as a snack. In the van, on our way home, P decided to surprise me and bring me to the top of the mountain. The lights, the view, ah! It was so romantic... Okay, okay, I'll stop before I start gushing.

"June, she'll change her tune..."

It seems many of us are in the same boat, be it the 'patching, sanding and painting' boat, the 'living financial stress' boat or the 'looking for a job' boat. I've been stressed lately; feeling ill-equipped to face life's surprises (job ending, fridge breaking down, not managing my money correctly).

Yesterday I helped P fix up his new place. We arrived at 10 am and his other roommate was nowhere to be found. He put me to work, patching and sanding. I tried to do it as best as I could, not really knowing what I was doing. He assured me I was doing good. He expressed some frustration with his roommates' lack of work ethic. It made me realise how responsible and organized he is. He has a very clear picture of what he wants and he knows how to get there, this became increasingly clear when his roommate and I were just sort of sitting watching P do things. I mean, it helps that he's tall, so some things are just easier for him to reach, but overall, he's a damn hard worker and all I wanted to do was keep up with him to make him proud. I felt a little lost at times, but I think that goes with the renovation territory.

Doing that with him was probably the best thing I could do to take my mind of the fact that I am completely broke and jobless. Having no work and looking for some is a huge blow to my self confidence, which I know is ridiculous, but I feel it all the same. It's the first time in my life that I'm not ahead of the game. Last year, I had a job before exams were over. I feel aimless and floaty. I want to take advantage of this "break" to really look for something I like, think seriously about what I want to do, not stress about finding a job, trusting that something will happen, but it's difficult. It's also too easy to sit at home, watch old episodes of sex and the city and wait for the hours to pass.

I'm trying to read, to get in touch with other aspects of my mind. My imagination went wild when I started reading stories again. I'm reading 'The Life of Pi', which was a suggestion from P.

I've realised I've misplaced many books and films.. and that this is somewhat disappointing. But then I think, 'maybe I should let these material things float in the universe and touch other people. They're just things.' I need to get away from my materialism... especially when I have no budget.

Another lovely discovery: Jean Talon Market. This place makes me so happy. Things are so inexpensive, you can get so much of them, and the atmosphere is simply lovely. It made me fall in love with Montreal a little bit more.

I wonder if we will ever feel still and satisfied?

Stop Overthinking!

This is my new motto. That and 'just let it go'.

I've started repeating these things while cylcing.. a pseudo-therapy I guess.

Trying to be calm is difficult, but I'm really trying. That and being happy.

Take A Deep Breath. It Calms The Mind.

I think I take myself too seriously. I'm pretty sure I set out to be this way when I was 13 and my parents didn't take my growing pains seriously. Now it's biting me in the ass.

I had my meltdown in the Meisner workshop. It started from the meditation. I had tears in my eyes even though they were closed. In my head I was reliving everything that I felt last night. Me and P spending time together, after our initial plan for a special date fell through (I thought I had people to meet at 5.30, but they never showed, so my non-appointment put a wrench in P's romantic gesture).

He came over after his supper, and we hung around for a bit. Then we made plans to go to Provigo on St-Urbain and Mont Royal for ice cream sandwiches. In my mind, I was like 'finally, a good, old-fashioned ice cream sandwich' (you know the kind of skinny ones with the soft cookie exterior), but all we could find were these fake ice cream ones (Breyers -- it's not real). So we go to PA, then a dep, then another dep. After PA, I was like 'I don't even want one, you can get one, I don't want one anymore'. Now I know that this was sort of a shitty attitude to have... like 'It's about the ice cream sandwich, it's not about eating it with you, it's about the thing itself'. So P was getting annoyed and he started making jokes I didn't appreciate. I was getting frustrated with the tension I had created and was holding inside. I was also thinking about how ridiculous the whole situation was (so... our first fight will be about ice cream sandwiches?). We tried to release the tension with hand-holding, and kisses, but somehow I wasn't letting go.

When we got home we lied around talking and then he said something (I don't remember what) and it just triggered some sort of reaction in me. I felt stone faced. I just looked at him without saying anything, feeling the tears well up and then I buried my face in my bed without a word. Then my face began to grimace, the tension was building, I was trying to push it down, I began feeling confused about why I was wanted to cry, about why this situation was provoking this reaction, about how I didn't like this irrational part of myself, then feeling disappointment in myself.

He was touching my hand, and he would squeeze a little bit, like 'are you okay?' Then with my hand on his back, I would rub it a little bit, like 'I'm here, but I don't know what's going on'. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore and I cried in my bed. He was rubbing my back and saying 'it's okay, it's okay'. My face was all hot and moist and my hair was stuck everywhere, but eventually I looked at him. His eyes were so filled with concern and warmth that I hid my face in my hands and cried again. He kept rubbing my back as I tried to catch my breath.

I began feeling like I wasn't myself. I felt horrible for dragging out this ridiculous thing. I told him.Then he said to me 'You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself' and I almost started crying again, but I felt more open at this point. He covered me with his body and gave me a little squeeze once I could breath again. He got up and went to get our toothbrushes, and then we brushed our teeth and then we fell asleep.

Drunk on Love and Happiness

Sometimes that happens when you stop and realize how wonderful life really is, or when you're multi-tasking (talking to friends on the phone while trying to engage in some mildly flirtatious conversations with your beau on gchat) and you forget what you're doing.

i've been doing this Meisner Acting workshop for the past two weekends. As I told Vnss, without really realizing it this workshop is everything I've been thinking about in my brain put into practice. The reason i'm doing this workshop is to kick my shyness to the curb -- mostly when it comes to speaking in class and doing presentations, and it is in fact very liberating. It reaffirms that people are worth trusting and believing in and how they can believe in you without you even realizing it.

Somehow, I have this great confidence in the world these days. Whereas before I would always anticipate the worse, now I believe 'good things come to those who wait' and 'everything's going to work out' (but you have to be open to it). Being open -- really open -- is very difficult. More difficult than I ever realized. It's not something that just happens, it's like we have to continually demand it from ourselves.

Serendipitously, I just found this website with resolutions. Some corny, some thought-provoking. I like 'Discover who you are before you find the person you need to be'...

Oh geez.. I'm so corny these days. But it feels pretty great.

A few things that have been put on the back burner though: my internet/email addiction (.. still going strong), my lack of school-work and my lack of cooking.

I'm trying to swim more, which is good. I can't wait to go back to the Laurier pool.

It's cold here. Not like spring. Not like anything I've felt in a long time, but it still makes me happy.



Speaking of drunk and love... I really wish I still had my 'Punch Drunk Love' DVD... but it disappeared.