Take A Deep Breath. It Calms The Mind.

I think I take myself too seriously. I'm pretty sure I set out to be this way when I was 13 and my parents didn't take my growing pains seriously. Now it's biting me in the ass.

I had my meltdown in the Meisner workshop. It started from the meditation. I had tears in my eyes even though they were closed. In my head I was reliving everything that I felt last night. Me and P spending time together, after our initial plan for a special date fell through (I thought I had people to meet at 5.30, but they never showed, so my non-appointment put a wrench in P's romantic gesture).

He came over after his supper, and we hung around for a bit. Then we made plans to go to Provigo on St-Urbain and Mont Royal for ice cream sandwiches. In my mind, I was like 'finally, a good, old-fashioned ice cream sandwich' (you know the kind of skinny ones with the soft cookie exterior), but all we could find were these fake ice cream ones (Breyers -- it's not real). So we go to PA, then a dep, then another dep. After PA, I was like 'I don't even want one, you can get one, I don't want one anymore'. Now I know that this was sort of a shitty attitude to have... like 'It's about the ice cream sandwich, it's not about eating it with you, it's about the thing itself'. So P was getting annoyed and he started making jokes I didn't appreciate. I was getting frustrated with the tension I had created and was holding inside. I was also thinking about how ridiculous the whole situation was (so... our first fight will be about ice cream sandwiches?). We tried to release the tension with hand-holding, and kisses, but somehow I wasn't letting go.

When we got home we lied around talking and then he said something (I don't remember what) and it just triggered some sort of reaction in me. I felt stone faced. I just looked at him without saying anything, feeling the tears well up and then I buried my face in my bed without a word. Then my face began to grimace, the tension was building, I was trying to push it down, I began feeling confused about why I was wanted to cry, about why this situation was provoking this reaction, about how I didn't like this irrational part of myself, then feeling disappointment in myself.

He was touching my hand, and he would squeeze a little bit, like 'are you okay?' Then with my hand on his back, I would rub it a little bit, like 'I'm here, but I don't know what's going on'. Then I couldn't hold it in anymore and I cried in my bed. He was rubbing my back and saying 'it's okay, it's okay'. My face was all hot and moist and my hair was stuck everywhere, but eventually I looked at him. His eyes were so filled with concern and warmth that I hid my face in my hands and cried again. He kept rubbing my back as I tried to catch my breath.

I began feeling like I wasn't myself. I felt horrible for dragging out this ridiculous thing. I told him.Then he said to me 'You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself' and I almost started crying again, but I felt more open at this point. He covered me with his body and gave me a little squeeze once I could breath again. He got up and went to get our toothbrushes, and then we brushed our teeth and then we fell asleep.