Three Little Words

I feel so overwhelmed with thoughts these days that I am having trouble deciding what to talk about at any given moment. Most days I sit around at home, read my book, flip through magazines and talk to my mom about every difficult thought I'm having, or have had. She listens to me with such an open heart, I feel like she's lifting weights off my shoulders for me.

She gave me a book I had seen once or twice and disregarded. It's called 'Eat Pray Love'. This book is my obsessive, neurotic brain pattern on paper, but the nice thing is that this woman is trying to find God. Or at least trying to figure out what this means to her. I think in many ways, the mantra i used two years ago and the 'letting go' of today are my small steps in this direction. One of the many things I've taken from this book is that finding inner peace is a constant struggle -- it's like exercising. Exercising is difficult when you start, but gradually you feel good and it gets easier. I think this is a worthy endeavor. I know I need inner peace.

I know my greatest challenges are guilt and worry. These two things cause me so much unnecessary stress I feel like i've wasted months of my life because of them. I need to restructure my thoughts, weed out the bad, but not be so hard on myself for thinking them.

This book has put words to so many of my thoughts, it's really quite reassuring. For example, why are there some people who are genuinely happy, uncomplicated, and never question their worth in this world? Why is P the way he is -- so confident and ambitious and by result, talented and motivated -- and i'm the way i am -- paralysed by guilt, constantly worrying, and questioning myself at every turn? I'm not only relaying this to me and P -- the more people I meet, the more of the confident go-getters I see.

I know everyone has their own struggle, but why is it that it seems to me these confident go-getters are often doing brilliant things, or getting brilliant opportunities? Or even, how did they overcome their struggle to go on to make wonderful things?

I think the root of it is love. I think they do their great things out of love. P can stay up for hours, prepare for days, and be the awesomest person to work with because he loves doing these things. He does them with love. But I think this is also related to how the experienced love throughout their lives too -- i think upbringing has something to do with it. Or maybe that's just me making excuses. In any case, I've decided that I will only do things I want to do out of love this year -- whether it's love for myself or love for the project.

First, and most importantly, I need to put myself first again. Swimming and cooking are too things I do out of love for myself. I need to cover those bases and thanks to the two Julia Child books I got, I think this will be possible. Then I need to refocus my energies at school: concentrate and be present. It's my last class in film studies, possibly ever. That's kind of sad, but I should make something good out of it.

I need to start being myself, going with my gut, and quit trying to fit into this stupid intellectual box I've regarded so highly for such a long time.

This year, my main ambition is to decrease my stress and with it, my worrying. Zen, here I come!

--

In other news, i find it really interesting to be having this revelation at this particular moment in my life. My grandmother is dying, I'm seeing my parents get older, I'm seeing older people unable to accept they're getting older, and I'm seeing my mom accept it all with grace which is utterly inspiring. If I make my mom and Julia Child my mentors, I think i'll be alright.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I'm trying hard not to care about grades right now. I've gotten back 2 out of 4 and I feel a little disappointed. I got a B- and all I can see if my future going down the toilet. I'm trying to convince myself it's not going to be like that, but the drama bone in me is going strong.

Friday morning before taking the bus P went to an FX studio to drop off his cv for a junior compositor job. He got the job in under 15 minutes. I'm so happy for him, and a little bit jealous at the same time. I'm not jealous he got the job, I'm jealous that he's so skilled and driven and motivated and that he got an awesome job one week after graduating. He'll be working nights, from 6-midnight, which should be interesting for our relationship. Right now I don't feel like it's a big deal, but I wonder how i'll feel in a few months. Especially since I'll more free time in the new year, I think.

I went to P's parents' house this weekend. It was simply lovely. I didn't feel phony or anything, but perhaps that due to the fact that halfway through I started getting sick and I slept for most of the other half.

I've been realizing lately that I'm not totally putting myself first these days - in the sense of eating and exercising. I haven't cooked myself good meals in several weeks, and I bike less because of the snow so I don't feel good when I get tired from walking up the stairs in the metro. I'm convinced the metro makes people less healthy. There's something about it that I just don't like -- the air, the heat, the noises -- it's all too thick or something. Not that inhaling gas exhaust from cars is any better, but somehow it doesn't feel so bad.

I've got some laundry and packing to do, heading home tonight! Youpi!

Tinsel Town

I've been totally indulging in the xmas spirit this year, listening to the Nutcracker like crazy and also funny 80s xmas music I associate with my most vivid memories of xmas.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to P's family's place for the weekend. The week has built it up as a kind of stressful experience, but I should just remember to be in the moment, be with P, and have fun.

Easier said than done? We'll see...

The most exciting thing about this time of year: buying a new agenda for next 2010. I settled on a moleskine monthly. I've never really used moleskines consistently, we'll see how this goes.

"I Like Your Shirt"

I also like going to dinner with P to celebrate the end of school, to celebrate snow, to celebrate our one year anniversary, and to celebrate love. We went to a party at Phl's afterwards. It was really nice, we talked and laughed and giggled and snuggled each other. We were there 'as a couple' and we didn't really socialize with strangers, but we talked a little bit about that. About how it's awkward for Patrick to strick up a conversation with Joe Stranger when he's Phl's friend's boyfriend. I feel the same way when I hang around in his circles. I figure people have to make more direct links with the main person in question; they have to bond on something.

I'm really glad I got the reality check I did many weeks ago. The reality check to chill out, put myself first, and realize how wonderful it is to accept and love people for who they are. These things seem really obvious, but when you think about it, they're not so.

P gently opens up to me about lots of things and I don't push him anymore. I've realized that some times it's me who is actually a bit closed. More than I would like to admit. He was talking to me about his family's christmas traditions, and he asked me what I was looking forward to the most. I told him I wasn't big on christmas, when what I meant was 'I have too many memories of drunk, fighting christmases, where I just wanted to unwrap gifts and get as far away from everyone as possible.' I feel a little bit like I'm omitting something important, but I also don't want to over-emphasize something (which still hurts me) but I don't identify with.. I don't feel a huge amount of pressure about this, but I did feel a tinge of something when I didn't bring it up.

Things are great.

Fireworks!

This Friday, P and I will have been together for one year, 365 days, lots of laughs, many films, a few disagreements, tears for better or worse, and a big dose of growing up. I feel really proud and happy with this year. I feel like I've matured and gained a better understanding of myself. One that I don't think I could have necessarily gained on my own. I had about 6 years of life 'theory' before I met P and being with him put everything into practice. It's really about trial and error, but most importantly it's about patience and understanding.

I feel like I want to give props to all the people who went through this with me in some shape or form. I don't know that I could have done it without you.

This is your one-year too!

Here's where we'll meet to celebrate:



(in our minds and hearts). xox

John Cassavetes

Life is fucking fascinating. Watch a Cassavetes film and you'll feel it.

Where Do You Go to My Lovely?