Three Little Words

I feel so overwhelmed with thoughts these days that I am having trouble deciding what to talk about at any given moment. Most days I sit around at home, read my book, flip through magazines and talk to my mom about every difficult thought I'm having, or have had. She listens to me with such an open heart, I feel like she's lifting weights off my shoulders for me.

She gave me a book I had seen once or twice and disregarded. It's called 'Eat Pray Love'. This book is my obsessive, neurotic brain pattern on paper, but the nice thing is that this woman is trying to find God. Or at least trying to figure out what this means to her. I think in many ways, the mantra i used two years ago and the 'letting go' of today are my small steps in this direction. One of the many things I've taken from this book is that finding inner peace is a constant struggle -- it's like exercising. Exercising is difficult when you start, but gradually you feel good and it gets easier. I think this is a worthy endeavor. I know I need inner peace.

I know my greatest challenges are guilt and worry. These two things cause me so much unnecessary stress I feel like i've wasted months of my life because of them. I need to restructure my thoughts, weed out the bad, but not be so hard on myself for thinking them.

This book has put words to so many of my thoughts, it's really quite reassuring. For example, why are there some people who are genuinely happy, uncomplicated, and never question their worth in this world? Why is P the way he is -- so confident and ambitious and by result, talented and motivated -- and i'm the way i am -- paralysed by guilt, constantly worrying, and questioning myself at every turn? I'm not only relaying this to me and P -- the more people I meet, the more of the confident go-getters I see.

I know everyone has their own struggle, but why is it that it seems to me these confident go-getters are often doing brilliant things, or getting brilliant opportunities? Or even, how did they overcome their struggle to go on to make wonderful things?

I think the root of it is love. I think they do their great things out of love. P can stay up for hours, prepare for days, and be the awesomest person to work with because he loves doing these things. He does them with love. But I think this is also related to how the experienced love throughout their lives too -- i think upbringing has something to do with it. Or maybe that's just me making excuses. In any case, I've decided that I will only do things I want to do out of love this year -- whether it's love for myself or love for the project.

First, and most importantly, I need to put myself first again. Swimming and cooking are too things I do out of love for myself. I need to cover those bases and thanks to the two Julia Child books I got, I think this will be possible. Then I need to refocus my energies at school: concentrate and be present. It's my last class in film studies, possibly ever. That's kind of sad, but I should make something good out of it.

I need to start being myself, going with my gut, and quit trying to fit into this stupid intellectual box I've regarded so highly for such a long time.

This year, my main ambition is to decrease my stress and with it, my worrying. Zen, here I come!

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In other news, i find it really interesting to be having this revelation at this particular moment in my life. My grandmother is dying, I'm seeing my parents get older, I'm seeing older people unable to accept they're getting older, and I'm seeing my mom accept it all with grace which is utterly inspiring. If I make my mom and Julia Child my mentors, I think i'll be alright.