Strange Fruit

I had a strange feeling last night. The word that came to mind was Compassion. I realized I didn't know what it meant anymore. And that meant I wasn't applying it as a guiding principle of my life anymore. This was not a fun realization.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go around being zen or anything and calling it compassion, but there is a sense of inner peace that I usually have that has somehow escaped me. The direct result of this is drama in my head.

I realized I had so many expectations for this year, for this school, for me in school, and they've all promptly blown up in my face. I'm also confronting how I cope with these disappointments. I think there's part of me that doesn't like to admit how much I rely on the people around me. And now I just feel like an island, in the middle of nowhere, lost, unsure and disappointed in myself for having had so many expectations, from my school, from the people around me, and from myself.

I'm not living up to the ones I set for myself, and what's happening is that I'm relocalising that disappointment to other places in my life... notably with P, lately anyway.

I've been feeling like he's very distant. I've had this feeling for a few weeks. I think it's the feeling of the novelty wearing off. He just doesn't seem as enthusiastic as before and I don't know if it's related to me or something else. I just feel that there isn't the same level of effort as before, in the sense that, previously, every email I sent, no matter how aimless, got a response. I feel he's not as affectionate as usually -- and he was extremely affectionate, so any decrease is instantly noticeable. I sort of confronted the issue last night in a strange conversation I didn't want to have for a while. Somehow we were talking about moving. He asked me, not seriously, if I wanted to move in with him. I answered no, because his room is too small, and suggested, not seriously, that he move in with me, because I have two closets. He said, no and that he needed his own space and didn't see himself in this appartment, and that he didn't feel he was at a point in his life when he thought he wanted to move in with me, and then said, not seriously, it'll never work. Something in that touched a nerve. I immediatly turned away, and while he was making sweet sounds to lure me back, I said 'you're always pushing me away'. Then he asked for some examples (not in those words, but that was the general idea) and I couldn't find any. I said it was a feeling. I said I felt like I was always making things happen. Then he started listing things... New York - my idea, South Caroline - his parents idea, the cocktail party - my idea, etc. I think he saw that I made a point. Today we went out for breakfast at Beauty's before I had to get to school. He said 'are you going to the Maritimes this summer?' I said yes. He said 'do you want to go by car?' (implying that he would come too) and then he talked about wanting to go to Halifax and saying that I could pick where I wanted to go. The conversation felt like he was trying to make up for something. I don't know if I should be happy about that.. or what.

I feel like good relationships take some kind of effort to keep them awesome. And I feel like right now I'm carrying most of the load. I accept that people go through things and sometimes they need their partner to carry their load for a little bit, but.. there's something in that that makes me feel like i'm not a partner.. i'm just there.. carrying something.

I just don't feel connected. To anyone. Or anything. So I don't know if this distance is actually in him, or if it's just my perspective that is skewed.

I feel like I need people around me because I can't get everything from him, nor do I want to.. but there's no-one around (for their own good reasons, no doubt).

For the first time in my life, I feel like people at school don't want to be friends with me. That makes me go on the defensive and think 'well i don't want to be friends with you anyway!'.

I don't like that feeling.

I'm not being compassionate. I'm disappointed in myself for being able to be. I'm disappointed that I had so many expectations.

I'm trying to accept all this with an open heart. Being compassionate towards myself is the first step and I know it... but somehow I'm blocked and everything is dramatic.

Okay, That's It!

I just want this semester to be over!

aaaaaaaaah

Why can't I focus for more than 8 seconds?! Why do I suddenly care about people from high school on facebook?

aaaaaaaaah

Over. Now!

Baby Crazy

Lately, every time I get really stressed, my mind goes automatically into baby-mode. I don't know why my brain is wired like this, but I keep thinking "If I had a baby, none of this stuff would matter and I would be able to push every aside and devote myself completely to this little life". But the hard, cold reality is that would no happen. I would have all the same stresses, but a baby on top of it!

I really want these baby cravings to go away. Having a baby at my age, and in my situation would not be awesome. I would want my partner to be happy and excited about it -- and this would not be the case, I think. Or, I mean maybe, but probably not.

Go away baby thoughts! go away!

Out of Breath

P made an observation the other day when we were sitting around chatting with his parents. I had just spent the day at TEDxMcGill and was feeling a little quiet after all the presentations of the day. I felt like I didn't really want to talk, I just wanted to be with my thoughts. But with parents around, you've always got to be polite, and for some reason, perky. So I talked a bit about my day and the running themes of the presentations. We moved on to some more tense conversations about P's sister, and how she's dealing with the stress of being far away while starting her PhD. Then P's mother revealed some serious details about her own mother. All in all I felt a little uncomfortable, and I guess a little reticent to say much.

What he noticed was that when I was speaking I wasn't breathing. My whole upper body was constricted. It's something i've noticed in yoga. That when i'm doing hard positions I forget to breathe. The teacher often makes a joke of it asking us if we are still breathing. It's a habit that many people have, to forget about breathing through stress. To forget about breathing through every day.

I've noticed I do that every time I start talking about something school-related, and when I talk to my schoolmates. I use every breath to cram so many ideas in my sentence that I end up out of breath at my last word. It's a very strange feeling. I've always reveled in the moments between thoughts... and now i'm choking myself to get every word out -- words that are, frankly, kind of meaningless.

I did the same thing when talking to him about a paper a few days ago.

I find this very strange, and a little bit worrisome. I've never been one of those people who wanted to talk all the time, but I find at school, everyone is like that. They're all chatty, and some can go on and on for hours. So, it's hard to get a word in.

I'm not sure what to do about it... maybe just think more about it, and talk less.

Maturity

On my way home from school today, biking up the Park hill, I realized my previous post was a complete and utter lie. I have not cut my sugar consumption, I've been eating one Camino chocolate bar per day for the last 4 days! Funny how one little good deed (in my case, eating a carrot and drinking ginger tea) erases all the bad little things.

I've been thinking a lot about the way I eat lately. I think I've pretty much kicked the habit of eating out. I've been on this home-cooking thing for a while now, but it's only in the last few months that i've really gone at it, making meals every day that are nutritious and different. Jamie Oliver's got lots to do with that. And now i've discovered Nigella. Domestic Goddess. Something about these English ways makes everything seem so easy-peasy.

The things that have been falling into place are my attitudes I've carried with me on the backburner since my adolescence. I've finally found a place to shelve those body-image worries. Funnily enough, for the first time, ever, in my life I thought 'Geez -- I hope I don't get too thin!' Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near 'too thin', but it's really funny that all these teen worries have finally been mellowed. This is something of a revelation. For those who knew me when I was in my teens, I had as many issues with my body-image as the next girl. Always worried. Always self-deprecating.

I don't want to play the 'blame the parents' card, but really, if they would have pushed me into exercise a little bit more, I think things would have been totally different.

It's funny and a little bit sad that most of the things that I felt so sharply in my teens have had the wind taken out of them. The older I get, the more prespective I have, the more I think about my former self with gentleness and that old 'everybody goes through it' kind of attitude.

I wish we understood that more when we were young. I remember people saying that it would pass, but never really believing them.

So things fall into place as time goes on... how about that?

Falling Into Place

My previous post will be elaborated later. Today I realized the simple joys of ginger. Of course I always new it was delicious, but sometimes we forget these things.

I've been trying and trying and trying to kick my sugar cravings to the curb, and I think today I am a step closer to being okay with be sugar-free. It's amazing how much sugar is in all the things we consume.

Nigella and Jamie are making me appreciate the tangyness of ginger tea, and the sweet crunch of a carrot.

Back to basics baby.

Youth

It's funny how everything falls into place.

Purging

What am I afraid of?

I've been having these meltdowns more frequently lately. I know it's because i'm stressed, about school, but I feel like they're beginning to get out of hand.

What am I afraid of?

Not doing well in school. Being mediocre. Being rejected (especially by scholarship foundations). Being so full of debt that I can't relate to the people around me anymore. Not finding a job I like. Not being strong enough to be proactive about being happy. Losing myself in my stress and fear. Not having ideas about interesting things. Not being curious. Not being ambitious. Losing touch with myself. Losing the people I care about. Being so scared of losing the people I care about that I push them away from me.

Not being able to overcome my fear of expressing my feelings and needs.

I'm afraid that I will be the only source to my unhappiness.

I'm afraid that I silence myself.

--

True fearlessness is not a reduction of fear, but moving beyond it. And discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart.

--

Fears, I acknowledge you. Now let's get on with the show.