Out of Breath

P made an observation the other day when we were sitting around chatting with his parents. I had just spent the day at TEDxMcGill and was feeling a little quiet after all the presentations of the day. I felt like I didn't really want to talk, I just wanted to be with my thoughts. But with parents around, you've always got to be polite, and for some reason, perky. So I talked a bit about my day and the running themes of the presentations. We moved on to some more tense conversations about P's sister, and how she's dealing with the stress of being far away while starting her PhD. Then P's mother revealed some serious details about her own mother. All in all I felt a little uncomfortable, and I guess a little reticent to say much.

What he noticed was that when I was speaking I wasn't breathing. My whole upper body was constricted. It's something i've noticed in yoga. That when i'm doing hard positions I forget to breathe. The teacher often makes a joke of it asking us if we are still breathing. It's a habit that many people have, to forget about breathing through stress. To forget about breathing through every day.

I've noticed I do that every time I start talking about something school-related, and when I talk to my schoolmates. I use every breath to cram so many ideas in my sentence that I end up out of breath at my last word. It's a very strange feeling. I've always reveled in the moments between thoughts... and now i'm choking myself to get every word out -- words that are, frankly, kind of meaningless.

I did the same thing when talking to him about a paper a few days ago.

I find this very strange, and a little bit worrisome. I've never been one of those people who wanted to talk all the time, but I find at school, everyone is like that. They're all chatty, and some can go on and on for hours. So, it's hard to get a word in.

I'm not sure what to do about it... maybe just think more about it, and talk less.