Snap!

This makes me want to keep my long hair, straighten it, ponytail it, and search for that bag day and night until I find it.

Introducing...

A little hint:

another little hint?

That's right! You guessed it! I'm starting my own graphic design business (for real!)! And what's the best part? The name: flâneriedesign ! How funny and awesome is that!?

The first image is the back of my new business card, and here's the front:



(it looks like the writing is too small to appear on screen - it just says my name, designer, email, telephone).

Here's what my invoices will look like:



I just spent a couple (too many to remember) hours making all this. I'm serious about starting this. I'm done with putting my passion on hold. I'm going to be PRO-ACTIVE!

Woohoo! I started putting together all the electronic files I have of past issues of magazines I've worked on, posters i've made, new things i'm making, all kinds of fun stuff! I'm really happy and excited. And thrilled at the fact that when making this stuff, I could just keep going and going and going and going... like the Energizer Bunny!

I've posted the sign for cards at Bummis, so for now the target audience is mainly babies, but hopefully that's going to grow into something awesome. Being creative is so awesome!

Woo-hoo x 2!!

Rarara

Okay, I've put my finger on something that really bugs me, and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's irritation mixed with jealousy towards P's mom. It was prompted by an article in Vanity Fair I was reading during our SC trip. It was Angelina Jolie waxing poetic about motherhood and parenting. I passed the magazine to his mom and she read the article. She didn't really comment on anything except one phrase where Jolie says something like 'when they become teenagers and they start closing the door, don't talk to them, listen. Because there's nothing you could say' and she responds: 'Angelina Jolie knows nothing about parenting if that's what she thinks'. The whole thing struck me because when I read the article and that sentence I thought 'yeah, that's awesome, listen to your child'. I didn't respond anything to her, but the irritation stayed with me.

She has very strong views on what makes a happy marriage, a happy childhood and a happy home, and who am I to judge? She's got all three. I mean, yes, her children are kind of exceptional and they all adore each other, but fuck, she had the luxury to stay home and raise them for a long time, with a husband making enough income to support them. I don't know if she realizes that that is not the case for most people. I don't know if I should feel flattered that she thinks I fit in that kind of profile, or angry that she has mistaken me for fitting in that profile.

I get rattled up whenever she talks about child rearing because although she has raised two well-balanced, successful, kind, loving children, I don't think there's only one way of getting those results. I feel like she's blind to their faults, but I guess all mothers are.

All this came about this weekend because I went to spend two days there with P and to see Eat, Pray, Love with his sister and mom. Her sister's friend was getting married on saturday so it sparked lots of discussion about weddings and how they should or shouldn't be. His sister was disappointed at the lack of traditional aspects in the ceremony.

I know I shouldn't, but I almost feel like telling people who think traditional weddings are the only way to go that they are crazy! There are SO many ways of getting married today. I would rather have a small and sincere wedding than a showy one where you don't feel like yourself, you're surrounded by people you don't really know, and you feel like you need to make a performance out of the whole thing. Today, my ideal wedding would be small enough to fit everyone on one big old wooden table (or two), lots of pictures, and lots of smiles.

I wonder if people hide themselves behind traditional weddings. If you follow the rituals, you avoid having to reveal anything about your personality, playing it safe... is that really the way to start the rest of your life?

Perhaps I'm judging all this too critically. Perhaps I'm letting my alternative views get the best of me. The only thing I hope is that if ever that day comes, I'll be able to compromise.

Another thing that kind of bugged me was her interpretation of Eat, Pray, Love. I think she's got it all wrong, focusing on the relationships (ex-husband, ex-lover, current boyfriend) instead of Liz's journey. What really burns my butt is when she insists on the fact that Liz is an extremely controlling person: I think 'should you really be the person commenting on another's control issues?'.

Rarara!

I know the best thing to do is let it go. And for the most part I can. My only worry is if this relationship with P grows into a long-term, family thing. Will she be invasive? Will I have to have awkward conversations with P about it? Will I be able to stand my ground? Will I be able to build a life different from the one she built with her husband if P is mine?

I know it's too early to think about this, but it seemed like the perfect occasion to do so.. wedding and all.

Think positive. Believe in yourself. Let go.



Love this coat-hanger.

Mad Men

On the plane back from South Carolina I picked up one of those airplane magazines which had a feature on two characters from Mad Men. I've only watched a couple of episodes from the first season, and if I had enough time, I would probably watch more, but all this to say, it gave me a vague idea about who these people were in the magazine -- enough to make me read the article. In the piece there was a pop-out quote, the ones that are in bigger font size outside the actual article. It was a quote from Don Draper saying something like : sometimes when you achieve your goals, you realize you didn't make them high enough. It resonated with me immediately, because I have very modest goals, I'm very cautious, and I don't dream big like some people do. It got me thinking about what my biggest goal would be. Do I want to be rich and famous and get recognized in the streets? No. Do I want to make a breakthrough in some kind of field? Not really? Do I want to have huge design contracts like re-designing the New York City Subway signage? No (because it's already perfect!).

I think I have found what I want to do. I want to design small personal projects for people or small companies. To work independently, or with a small team. And to have another job which is enough to pay the bills but not eat up all my time if it's not related in some way to this goal.

P just installed Indesign on my computer. I'm going crayzay!

How about that?

"Only in the love of those who do not serve a purpose, love begins to unfold."

This sentence hits the mark for me. This idea that your love partner is not someone who fulfills any need in you in one that I read about in Eat, Pray, Love and have put into practice ever since. She said something like 'I don't need Felipe for money, I don't need him for entertainment, I don't need him to travel, I don't need him for making babies (because she didn't want any), etc.' She concluded that the only thing she got out of her relationship with Felipe was companionship and love (but that would be later on). Now, am I crazy? Or doesn't this sound like a better way of going about loving someone?

It's easier to think about it in reversed terms: do I want P to love me because I'm smart? No. Do I want P to love me because I'm interesting? No. Do I want P to love me because I make him dinner? No. Because I pay for things? No. Because of my friends? No. Because I fulfill some kind of need in him? No. Because I make him feel good? No.

Basically all these things can suddenly change without notice, and do i want someone who will stop loving me if enough of these things stop being there? No. I want him to love me for reasons that can't really be expressed. That's how I feel about him. I do love him for reasons similar to the ones listed above, but the overarching thing is that I just do. I think this is were the 'loving someone who does not serve a purpose' is great, because things in life change a lot, needs and purposes included. So I think what ends up mattering is how much integrity each person in the relationship feels while being strongly connected to the other.

I'm not suggesting the old 'you mean like when Woody Allen waved across the park to Mia Farrow' scenario mentioned (with disdain) in Sex and the city, but I'm not sure I see something wrong with two people sharing only parts of themselves (ever changing) for the rest of their lives (ideally).

For example, at the beginning of our relationship, I felt I needed to know all of P's deepest thoughts and insecurities, because that's what intimacy is. Boy, was I wrong -- at that time, it only pushed him away a little bit. But now, I can have all the discussions I want, but I don't really feel the need to. So, if I expect to have a weekly dispensing of thoughts and feelings for the rest of my life, I'll probably be disappointed. P shares those parts with me sometimes. Other times he shares anecdotes, other times he shares other things, so eventually, I'll get to see every side of him, it's just going to take time. And if I want to spend my life with this person, what's the rush!?

I don't understand why we're programmed to want to know everything about someone in the shortest amount of time possible; to cram our noses so close to the window that we can't actually see the person, or much else either.

I'm open to other ideas about this, but right now, this one makes the most sense to me.

I love these pictures.

Clean Sheets

I've been reading this book, The Art of Loving. I like that it's a book that agrees with a lot of things that I think about (for the most part). It has some interesting ideas about human motivations behind love, different kinds of relationships, and the author considers to be the best, or more mature, kind of love. One nice phrase that stands out is :

Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

This rings a lot of bells in me. Especially since the time I came across that great quote by Katharine Hepburn (Love has nothing to do with what you're expecting to get, only what you're expecting to give -- which is everything). In keeping with this quote, the author writes: 'love is an action, the practice of human power, which can be practice only in freedom and never as the result of a compulsion."

I appreciate that he recognizes the act of giving as the expression of aliveness. I think our society views giving as 'giving up' something, when it fact, we all know how much better is feel to give than to receive. What are we so afraid of losing? In a sort of indirect way, I was always ambivalent about sharing things with people: friends, ideas, interesting articles, more recently interesting blogs, interesting artists, interesting films. I was afraid other people would like them! Why would I be afraid of connecting with someone on these things? Well, for friends it's clear, I didn't want them to want to be friends with my friends, or my friends to want to be friends with them. Clear case of insecurity. As for interests, I think it's because I wanted to hoard the things I thought were cool, to maybe feel some sense of separation from others, to feel like I knew about something special and they didn't.

Now when I think about it, I don't mind so much sharing ideas and interests. And I think i'm ready to go out of my way to share them with people (ie. follow-up on a 'yeah, i'll send you the link' conversation that happens in the wee hours between me and someone I barely know). Besides, there's too much stuff on the internet for me to know about.

Better to release it into the universe.

(and write certain things on paper... I had a great idea for an article title about archives... forgotten...)

No wait! It was State of the Archive, an article i'm thinking of writing in the future about archives and how they're high tech now (which I have no idea if they are, that'll be resolved in September!) But I like the play on state of the art, and the state of archives.

Yes, saved in the blogosphere. Like so many other thoughts.

Best Birthday, Ever

This year my birthday was low-profile, no muss, no fuss. I made a vague suggestion to P that there were some people I wanted to see, he made an attempt at a rencontre, but since there were so many things happening this weekend (Osheaga, farewell parties, other birthdays, etc) I didn't hold my breath for anything.

But boy, did I get swept off my feet. First, we spent a lovely friday night at our dear friend Arl's going away party. I caught up with Lé, whom I hadn't seen in many weeks, and saw some friends away for the summer. We went home and I went to work the next day. I come home, get dolled up according to his instructions (blue polka-dot 40s style Banana Republic dress to the rescue, with coral sandals), he met me at 6pm and delivered a bag of surprises. A new Strand bag! Mine was looking pretty shabby, so I was very pleased to get this nifty new one. In it P packed a few more items, a teeny box of chocolates, Elizabeth Gilbert's first book Stern Men, a sweet card, and the most incredible gift ever: a Bamboo drawing tablet like this



He said when he saw me having so much fun with his tablet, he thought it would be a good idea for me to have one to jump start my graphic design career. He also said he found an old version of Indesign that my (poor, little, weak) computer could handle.

I'm so excited and motivated! It's awesome. It reminds me of the story his mom told me about how she became a writer. She said: 'I wanted to stay home and raise the children, but I had always been interested in writing. Alain bought me our first computer so that I could write.' And the rest is history (she has almost a million books in print, actually). Anyway, getting this design tool from P kind of boosts my confidence. He said, 'see! now you're a real designer!' which was really sweet.

I think I'm going to contact Moment Factory again soon to see if I could intern there. I want to get my foot in the door of some design studios. I watched a documentary on Annie Leibovitz, that was really motivating too. It reminded me how much I loved Susan Sontag's On Photography so I bought it used right away. That a Barthes' photography book. I remember how it made me feel so connected to creative work.

I want to paint, and photograph, and arrange, and blog, and surf, and look, and bike around. Life is awesome. I want to remove all the pictures from my room, paint my walls a light shade of grey and make an assemblage of pictures in the living room. I also want this lamp.

I should stop wanting material things though... :s