This sentence hits the mark for me. This idea that your love partner is not someone who fulfills any need in you in one that I read about in Eat, Pray, Love and have put into practice ever since. She said something like 'I don't need Felipe for money, I don't need him for entertainment, I don't need him to travel, I don't need him for making babies (because she didn't want any), etc.' She concluded that the only thing she got out of her relationship with Felipe was companionship and love (but that would be later on). Now, am I crazy? Or doesn't this sound like a better way of going about loving someone?
It's easier to think about it in reversed terms: do I want P to love me because I'm smart? No. Do I want P to love me because I'm interesting? No. Do I want P to love me because I make him dinner? No. Because I pay for things? No. Because of my friends? No. Because I fulfill some kind of need in him? No. Because I make him feel good? No.
Basically all these things can suddenly change without notice, and do i want someone who will stop loving me if enough of these things stop being there? No. I want him to love me for reasons that can't really be expressed. That's how I feel about him. I do love him for reasons similar to the ones listed above, but the overarching thing is that I just do. I think this is were the 'loving someone who does not serve a purpose' is great, because things in life change a lot, needs and purposes included. So I think what ends up mattering is how much integrity each person in the relationship feels while being strongly connected to the other.
I'm not suggesting the old 'you mean like when Woody Allen waved across the park to Mia Farrow' scenario mentioned (with disdain) in Sex and the city, but I'm not sure I see something wrong with two people sharing only parts of themselves (ever changing) for the rest of their lives (ideally).
For example, at the beginning of our relationship, I felt I needed to know all of P's deepest thoughts and insecurities, because that's what intimacy is. Boy, was I wrong -- at that time, it only pushed him away a little bit. But now, I can have all the discussions I want, but I don't really feel the need to. So, if I expect to have a weekly dispensing of thoughts and feelings for the rest of my life, I'll probably be disappointed. P shares those parts with me sometimes. Other times he shares anecdotes, other times he shares other things, so eventually, I'll get to see every side of him, it's just going to take time. And if I want to spend my life with this person, what's the rush!?
I don't understand why we're programmed to want to know everything about someone in the shortest amount of time possible; to cram our noses so close to the window that we can't actually see the person, or much else either.
I'm open to other ideas about this, but right now, this one makes the most sense to me.
I love these pictures.
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