It seems many of us are in the same boat, be it the 'patching, sanding and painting' boat, the 'living financial stress' boat or the 'looking for a job' boat. I've been stressed lately; feeling ill-equipped to face life's surprises (job ending, fridge breaking down, not managing my money correctly).
Yesterday I helped P fix up his new place. We arrived at 10 am and his other roommate was nowhere to be found. He put me to work, patching and sanding. I tried to do it as best as I could, not really knowing what I was doing. He assured me I was doing good. He expressed some frustration with his roommates' lack of work ethic. It made me realise how responsible and organized he is. He has a very clear picture of what he wants and he knows how to get there, this became increasingly clear when his roommate and I were just sort of sitting watching P do things. I mean, it helps that he's tall, so some things are just easier for him to reach, but overall, he's a damn hard worker and all I wanted to do was keep up with him to make him proud. I felt a little lost at times, but I think that goes with the renovation territory.
Doing that with him was probably the best thing I could do to take my mind of the fact that I am completely broke and jobless. Having no work and looking for some is a huge blow to my self confidence, which I know is ridiculous, but I feel it all the same. It's the first time in my life that I'm not ahead of the game. Last year, I had a job before exams were over. I feel aimless and floaty. I want to take advantage of this "break" to really look for something I like, think seriously about what I want to do, not stress about finding a job, trusting that something will happen, but it's difficult. It's also too easy to sit at home, watch old episodes of sex and the city and wait for the hours to pass.
I'm trying to read, to get in touch with other aspects of my mind. My imagination went wild when I started reading stories again. I'm reading 'The Life of Pi', which was a suggestion from P.
I've realised I've misplaced many books and films.. and that this is somewhat disappointing. But then I think, 'maybe I should let these material things float in the universe and touch other people. They're just things.' I need to get away from my materialism... especially when I have no budget.
Another lovely discovery: Jean Talon Market. This place makes me so happy. Things are so inexpensive, you can get so much of them, and the atmosphere is simply lovely. It made me fall in love with Montreal a little bit more.
I wonder if we will ever feel still and satisfied?
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