Sometimes Bikes Hurt

I crashed into someone today. Or he crashed into me. We crashed into each other in front of Mcgill's Roddick gates. I was coming from campus, maybe a little faster than I should have been going and when I went to turn on Sherbrooke, there was a guy with his friend riding in my direction. I tried to stop as much as possible but the momentum sent me flying chest forward while my legs got tangled in my falling bike. The bikes broke my fall but I feel a bump on my knee and a bruise on my arm. Thankfully, I was able to ride away rather quickly, whereas the guy was left with a bent front wheel. He was nice and apologising profusely, while I was focused on getting up.

Angry. Sad. Guilty.

Those are the things I feel about this situation. Angry - so angry - at the situation because it was avoidable, at the guy because it was stupid of him to ride against traffic (even though we all do it one time or another), at myself for not slowing down when I was coming out of the gates.

I feel sad because situations like these scare me. They make me afraid of cycling. They make me afraid that at any moment a car door will swing open and I will slam into it just before being thrown in front of a car. I rode off from the scene, but I was shaking in the knees a little bit. I felt them weakened. I wear a helmet, but realistically, it will do little to save me from serious injury, if it happened. I know I have to slow down, I'm scared by how fast I go and how careless I can be. I don't know where this drive to be reckless comes from. Sometimes I wonder if i'm hoping for an accident.

I feel guilty because I left the situation so quickly. I muttered a few 'I'm sorry's while looking at the guy's wheel. I feel guilty that my first thoughts afterwards were 'yeah, it better have been your wheel and not mine'. I feel guilty I didn't offer to give my name or to take off my sunglasses and deal with the situation more thoroughly. I feel guilty that the guy knew it was his fault, and I was thinking 'yeah it was your fault'. I feel guilty because I know i'm being a hypocrite.

I don't like that this event ruined my whole day. Or rather, that I let it ruin my whole day. I should be glad it wasn't worse, and that my bike in intact.

I don't understand why I focus on the negative.