Flying Solo

Lately I've been feeling strange, as if I'm alone, working on P and I's relationship. I know he's going through a really tough time lately: his film wasn't picked up by a festival, he's graduating, he didn't get the job he was counting on for post-graduation because he's 6 credits shy of having a degree, and I think he's generally unsatisfied by not working on his own projects. He's probably terrified about the future, as I would be. From this comes his tendency to shut me out a little bit when it relates to his feelings.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and talking about 'relationships'. One of my favorite blogs has been posting about 'the secrets of successful relationships'. I read them all and find what may apply to me. Many of them say talking things out, no matter how difficult the topic, is a crucial part of being happy. I'm struggling with this like I've never struggled with anything else.

I have all these thoughts like 'Why do I feel like I'm the only one working at this?', 'I feel undesired', 'I feel guilty for wanting to talk about some things', 'I feel worried bringing these things up will prompt him to end the relationship'. Most, if not all these thoughts are totally irrational, I know, but I can't help feeling them.

I feel like I need to be really reassured. I need him to reassure me that he's there. I want him to be connected to me, even though he told me he feels disconnected from everything.

This feels dramatic. I don't like it.