I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday after I blogged, I wrote an email to P apologizing for being needy and lazy. I reiterated how we both know needy relationships are not awesome. I felt a bit worried about how he would respond. I had no need to worry. He encouraged me to put myself first, doing the things that make me feel good, so that we can then spend time together in full spirits. He is so sweet and reassuring. I don't know why I'm scared of being open with him.
I'm in the midst of coming to terms with my old-fashionism. By that I mean, I don't think I'm as much as a strong, communicative, independent, 21st century woman as I thought I was. My insecurities get the better of me and I find myself thinking: 'If a man were to cheat on me, there's a big possibility I might never know; because some people can say 'I love you' and not mean it'.
I'm realizing now what it's like to feel vulnerable, to feel like you are placing your raw, bloody, beating heart in someone else's hand. It's kind of frightening. Maybe it's not frightening, maybe it's frightening that I feel so incapable of letting my guard down. Maybe it's frightening that I feel like a cliché.
Then there's part of me that feels guilty for feeling these things. Sort of how women feel guilty for not wanting to have families. Maybe if accept how I feel, it will be easier to move on...
I wish it wasn't so hard to talk about these things. I wish life was like a blog ... or not. I should read a book.
In the meantime, friends lift my spirits, and so does this movie:
Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.
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