What a difference a few days can make.
I don't have time to post a whole lot, because I have a presentation on Thursday and I am not feeling prepared for it.
I spent friday night crying. I was woken up saturday morning by Vnss, asking me if we could push our breakfast date to a bit later. That was alright with me. I ended up getting up anyway (for a change)..
We we're supposed to go to the diner on Milton, but when I got there it was packed with weird Mcgill types. I felt like being far away from everything and everyone I usually see, so we decided to go to a place Vnss knew in Pointe-St-Charles. The bike ride was short and pleasant. The Pointe is a real hidden gem. So is Verdun. They have music playing in the streets. You can dance in the streets!
Alors, we had a good breakfast at Art Café (I think that's the name). The food was good, the service was bad, but in a funny way. The guy seemed so bitter. If you saw the interior of this place, you would think: 'You work here! How can you possibly be bitter?' The breakfast was followed up with about 3 hours of shopping in a consignment shop. I had forgotten how awesome vintage stores can be. It really lifted my heart and changed my thoughts.
We went to Vnss's, hung around the house, ate brownies (that were good -- for greasy ones) and tried to read about masculinity from the feminist perspective. We went to bed early and woke up late.
I don't have time to post a whole lot, because I have a presentation on Thursday and I am not feeling prepared for it.
I spent friday night crying. I was woken up saturday morning by Vnss, asking me if we could push our breakfast date to a bit later. That was alright with me. I ended up getting up anyway (for a change)..
We we're supposed to go to the diner on Milton, but when I got there it was packed with weird Mcgill types. I felt like being far away from everything and everyone I usually see, so we decided to go to a place Vnss knew in Pointe-St-Charles. The bike ride was short and pleasant. The Pointe is a real hidden gem. So is Verdun. They have music playing in the streets. You can dance in the streets!
Alors, we had a good breakfast at Art Café (I think that's the name). The food was good, the service was bad, but in a funny way. The guy seemed so bitter. If you saw the interior of this place, you would think: 'You work here! How can you possibly be bitter?' The breakfast was followed up with about 3 hours of shopping in a consignment shop. I had forgotten how awesome vintage stores can be. It really lifted my heart and changed my thoughts.
We went to Vnss's, hung around the house, ate brownies (that were good -- for greasy ones) and tried to read about masculinity from the feminist perspective. We went to bed early and woke up late.
I had made plans with Vncnt to have breakfast, but wasn't feeling very peppy about it. I felt like he might be doing it more out of obligation or something. I raced to his place for 10.30 am. I waited a bit, and he arrived (he was out getting a tube). I thought we would go to Figaro across the street. He was being weird and funny and he didn't feel like going. I suggested we go to Caffe Della Posta on Bernard and insisted on buying him breakfast.
I felt a little bit shy. I felt like he now knew a new side of me (I had told him about Nantucket). I kept trying to steer the conversation away from that. I didn't feel like reliving it. We went to the place, ate breakfast, talked and laughed. I brought up what I deem to be the condition of the modern woman: loving men who don't love them back. I was including myself in this category, of course. This blog wouldn't exist if I didn't. He says to me: "I'm not indifferent towards you!" to which I reply: "Don't go there. Let's not go there". He insisted. I tried to find a way of explaining that it's different: loving and caring for friends, and loving and caring for a romantic partner. I was unable to make him understand my position, but he kept saying "I'm not indifferent!".
I left the breakfast feeling energized. I didn't do any work all day, but I cleaned the house. I was allocating myself a weekend of recuperation.
Later that night (last night -- sunday november 9th, 2008), we began chatting on gchat. I said I was working on clarifying my 'contemporary woman's plight' argument. We started talking about the difference between friends and lovers. He essentially said that for him, friendships are more valuable than romance. I say I can understand that. Additionally, I say, 'not being indifferent towards someone - that's the minimum requirement (to borrow G's words): there's a difference between 'not being indifferent' and actively loving someone". To which he responds: "For all that counts, I would consider that I'm actively loving you" (me thinking: whaa? uhhh.. gulp.. oh.. gee.. RESPOND!) I say: "I can say that I do in the same way but am I crazy for thinking that intimacy plays a part in this love business?" Then it becomes an issue of defining 'intimacy' I eventually spell it out: 'physical intimacy'. We talked about it. Our views are vastly different. I tried to understand his position, but felt like I was crossing into territory I wasn't meant to explore yet.
I apologized for insisting, he said 'you have nothing to apologize for' and 'stop being so scared of me' to which I responded: I'm less scared than before! He said, I guess.. except when it comes to 'issues'.
I've been feeling like I hold back many things from him. Sometimes what I want to say comes to the surface like a rush of anxiety. As we were saying bye I said: "I don't really want to say this, but I think I should say it because I don't want to say it" he says 'What?' I say: "sometimes I want to hug you, but I don't really, because I'm scared of touching people and being touched, but I feel like with friends I really care about, I hug them, or let them hug me.. so I'm confused and I didn't want to say it, but I did." 'You did' he says. Then we talk about the two or three hugs he's given me before. I explain that they weren't real because there was space between us (the hug gap) and he patted me on the back and besides, I was scared of being hugged by him. He asks why and I say : "I was scared I would shatter into a thousand pieces" to which he responds: "That would be terrible. I didn't know my hug could be so powerful." I joke about his arms of steel (because I always talk about my legs of steel).
He says 'thanks for sharing that with me'. I say 'It was scary, but I'm trying to be less scared.'
He says: "I'll hug you from behind one day, and see you turn to dust."
I left the breakfast feeling energized. I didn't do any work all day, but I cleaned the house. I was allocating myself a weekend of recuperation.
Later that night (last night -- sunday november 9th, 2008), we began chatting on gchat. I said I was working on clarifying my 'contemporary woman's plight' argument. We started talking about the difference between friends and lovers. He essentially said that for him, friendships are more valuable than romance. I say I can understand that. Additionally, I say, 'not being indifferent towards someone - that's the minimum requirement (to borrow G's words): there's a difference between 'not being indifferent' and actively loving someone". To which he responds: "For all that counts, I would consider that I'm actively loving you" (me thinking: whaa? uhhh.. gulp.. oh.. gee.. RESPOND!) I say: "I can say that I do in the same way but am I crazy for thinking that intimacy plays a part in this love business?" Then it becomes an issue of defining 'intimacy' I eventually spell it out: 'physical intimacy'. We talked about it. Our views are vastly different. I tried to understand his position, but felt like I was crossing into territory I wasn't meant to explore yet.
I apologized for insisting, he said 'you have nothing to apologize for' and 'stop being so scared of me' to which I responded: I'm less scared than before! He said, I guess.. except when it comes to 'issues'.
I've been feeling like I hold back many things from him. Sometimes what I want to say comes to the surface like a rush of anxiety. As we were saying bye I said: "I don't really want to say this, but I think I should say it because I don't want to say it" he says 'What?' I say: "sometimes I want to hug you, but I don't really, because I'm scared of touching people and being touched, but I feel like with friends I really care about, I hug them, or let them hug me.. so I'm confused and I didn't want to say it, but I did." 'You did' he says. Then we talk about the two or three hugs he's given me before. I explain that they weren't real because there was space between us (the hug gap) and he patted me on the back and besides, I was scared of being hugged by him. He asks why and I say : "I was scared I would shatter into a thousand pieces" to which he responds: "That would be terrible. I didn't know my hug could be so powerful." I joke about his arms of steel (because I always talk about my legs of steel).
He says 'thanks for sharing that with me'. I say 'It was scary, but I'm trying to be less scared.'
He says: "I'll hug you from behind one day, and see you turn to dust."
Poof (!)
I feel like our friendship is growing beautifully. He's so wonderful. I feel very much in love, but much more secure and much less neurotic. I don't know that things will change between us. But I am satisfied with the thought of having him around for the next 87 years.
I feel full.
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