I'm currently having mini-crises every three hours. Deadlines are looming, papers need to be written.. but the wheels aren't turning in the right direction. I shouldn't be writing this post but... after a little surfing, some too-good-not-to-post images were discovered. And a too-good-not-to-post conversation was had earlier today, but I'll recap the last few days too.
Agns arrived on Thursday afternoon. I met up with her and Vncnt at Mcgill. We went shopping for several hours (and it was super fun!) but the lady didn't find a dress to her liking. She ended up (most appropriately) wearing my Kate Moss bird dress and looked fabulous for her graduation.
Vncnt on the other hand found a sweet, sleek black ensemble at Tristan. He looked like a million bucks. So hopefully this will influence the Rhoades judges. I met up with Vnss later on. We searched Holt Renfrew (Love it!), Harry Rosen, Club Monaco (Loove it!) for bow-ties, but didn't find anything fashionable that wasn't over our budgets. Bow-tie hunting is surprisingly fun!
I went home feeling sick and weak, I never found out why.. but I thought I should go to the pool (since I hadn't been in a number of weeks) to make myself feel better. It was pretty funny. I got in the pool, did one lap, and was totally exhausted. The more laps I did, the more flail-y I looked. Apparently, I've lost all style and technique. Agns reassured me it was because I was tired... I hope she's right.
Friday we went to the graduation, and had supper with Agns' parents and two people from Moncton that I know vaguely, but Agns knows slightly better. It was really fun. Mostly, having the parents there was really fun. We went to the Cafe du Nouveau Monde downtown. It was really good.
Saturday we had a supper planned. The usual birdies were there: Agns, Mchl, Gnvr, Vncnt and myself. It was really fun and tasty! At a few moment, I found myself thinking: 'this is what it would be like if V and I were a couple, and we were entertaining friends.' I was finishing his sentences, and rolling my eyes while saying: 'I've heard this story a million times'. It felt really comfortable, but also slightly frustrating. Vnss put her finger on it the other day: I feel somewhat hurt that he has let us get to this level, with no chance of advancing to the next. She also nailed it when she said: 'you sound fed up'. No words could better describe how I felt.
This was the feeling I was carrying around with me today. Fed up. Fed up of the situation, fed up with my thoughts, fed up with myself. Then Vncnt came on g-chat today and we started talking. he said he thought his cat was in a 'peine d'amour' after venturing outside and meeting a catess. I empathized and said "the cat and I have lots in common, we should start a support group." He asked: 'are you in peine d'amour?' to which I responded my usual muddled confusion (yes.. no.. maybe.. what does that really mean?). I told him about being fed up about my thoughts, the repetition of the same ones in my head all the time. I told him I was fed up with the situation I was in; the situation being me unable to connect with someone and it occupying too much brain space. He said: 'Is there anything I can do?' I thought.. hmmm.. what to respond? what do I feel about such a question? So I said: 'You could if you could love me the way I needed you to. But we've talked about this'... (Side note: I was totally not stressed while writing that line. I was actually smiling. I told him I was smiling. I wasn't angry or trying to jab him in any way, it was just really how I felt, and I mostly felt happy that I was comfortable telling him so.)
He responded: 'You sound like you're flirting with old ideas of not seeing me anymore' to which I responded: 'mais non, pas du tout, besides it doesn't work. We're beyond that stage." Him: "Yipee".
Then I told him about the couple feeling I had on Saturday and how I'm slightly hurt because we can go to the next level. He said he didn't really know what to say, I said he didn't have to say anything because I wasn't sad about it. He said he wasn't sure he understood the part about the levels. I reiterated the friendship vs. relationship thing and how we attribute different importance to them. I said I wasn't sure anymore which one I found more valuable. I told him Vnss and I talked about whether or not I could deal with a 'non-sexual but affectionate' relationship. He said: 'and?' and I told him the truth: that I didn't know if I could be satisfied with that, but maybe in the long-term. Like if it's going to be like strictly affectionate in the long run, why bother with the initial passion stuff? but I still think I need the initial passion stuff.. Then I said: 'so I guess I just end up confused and annoyed by myself' He asked: 'Why do you want to be with me? (I'm thinking: yeahhh let's get on the direct-questions wagon. I'm still feeling capable of honesty so) I say: 'the short answer is: because I love you -- why do I love you?, that's a difficult thing to put in words' ... I warn him I'm going to paint a corny picture (because I just can't find any eloquent words to express the right sentiment) so I say: because you're funny, and nice, and interesting. Sometimes you're a little bit difficult. You're charming and stimulating. The more I get to know the details, the more I love what I see.. You're like a strong cheese -- an acquired taste, but soo good when you like it.. and you can be really sweet without knowing it ...or while knowing it. There's just something about you. Maybe it's because you haven't run away from me.' Then I send him this picture (Vnss found it, but it coincidentally landed on one of my followed blogs too!):
and I said: 'this comes close to how I feel' to which he responded: 'it's all the more pertinent that you can't close your hands.' I didn't really understand him, and I said 'ouch?' because I thought he was saying 'no matter how you feel, you won't be able to close your hands -- you won't be able to have me' which, I think my mind made up independently of what he actually said but, the conversation sort of ended in confusion and me having to leave to go meet someone for a project.
All I know is that I feel better about our friendship. I'm trying to be less scared. I'm trying to hug people (Mchl was my guinea-pig on Sunday) and at the end of the day, I want to feel like this:
... but I'm okay with waiting for it (despite what all my neurotic-paranoid-discouraged outbursts may lead you -- and me -- to believe).
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