Sm echoed a comment Agns made at the end of the summer about how we see some men as gods.
Sm made the comment that I see V as some sort of God, in this case, because he corrected a little french blurb I had to write. It's really annoying, because I agree with him. In many ways, I do see V as this ultimate being of perfection. Rationally, I have no idea why... but, if you think about it, he is pretty impressive. I mean, I think he has spent time working on himself to be impressive. He's good at lots intellectual pursuits, he's good at most sports, he's charismatic, he's pretty, he's got the mysterious-unavailable thing going for him..
(I hate myself so much for writing a post about how great I think he is.. I'm hoping in doing so, some negative qualities will surface.)
I mean, in some sense, it's kind of impressive that someone can know how to manipulate people so well. Case and point: me. There's this ugly part of me that lets myself be treated like a puppet. My only attempt to justify this is that, in the past, I've never been much of a subordinate player, the job was shared. That was the first requirement. I suppose because these past players respected me more? I've been told (and have seen how) my behavior can turn into abusive (the word is perhaps a tad strong) relationships. I don't want to be like that, but I'm totally deluding myself into the idea that we've got something equal going on. It's not. That's the bottom line. I give everything. I get nothing. I'm left depressed because he suddenly leaves, in tears because of the sight (or thought) of any girl in his vicinity.
I've never been this pathetic (and insecure). I don't understand how I got here.. although, I feel like it had something to do with the asshole (Mtt) last year (who keeps sending me annoying mass emails!). I don't understand how one guy, one date, could throw EVERYTHING out of wack. I'm probably giving him too much power this way, and V too. Maybe I'm just caught up in self-pity.
I look around me (in reality and otherwise) and a lot of the time, I see women broken.. women struggling to be strong. I'm tired for them. It's unbelievable the crap these wonderful women are put through.. and most of the time, for nothing.
I've got to get some old-school feminist anger back! Even though, I have a hard time swallowing that stuff sometimes. I suppose what I mean by feminist anger is strength. I could never be angry to the same point.. it just doesn't suit me. I need to be affirmative. I need to not give a shit. I need to stop bending backwards. I need to stop believing bullshit. I need to believe that I deserve something better than that.
The thing I think about V is, as much as I feel like I'm in love with him, I feel sad about the idea of having put myself through all of this 'for' him. I wish it could have been equal. I wish I didn't have to badger someone into liking me.
Although, as discussed with another V, nice guys -- they sort of finish last.
Why the fuck are we such masochists!?
Fuck this shit.
Sm made the comment that I see V as some sort of God, in this case, because he corrected a little french blurb I had to write. It's really annoying, because I agree with him. In many ways, I do see V as this ultimate being of perfection. Rationally, I have no idea why... but, if you think about it, he is pretty impressive. I mean, I think he has spent time working on himself to be impressive. He's good at lots intellectual pursuits, he's good at most sports, he's charismatic, he's pretty, he's got the mysterious-unavailable thing going for him..
(I hate myself so much for writing a post about how great I think he is.. I'm hoping in doing so, some negative qualities will surface.)
I mean, in some sense, it's kind of impressive that someone can know how to manipulate people so well. Case and point: me. There's this ugly part of me that lets myself be treated like a puppet. My only attempt to justify this is that, in the past, I've never been much of a subordinate player, the job was shared. That was the first requirement. I suppose because these past players respected me more? I've been told (and have seen how) my behavior can turn into abusive (the word is perhaps a tad strong) relationships. I don't want to be like that, but I'm totally deluding myself into the idea that we've got something equal going on. It's not. That's the bottom line. I give everything. I get nothing. I'm left depressed because he suddenly leaves, in tears because of the sight (or thought) of any girl in his vicinity.
I've never been this pathetic (and insecure). I don't understand how I got here.. although, I feel like it had something to do with the asshole (Mtt) last year (who keeps sending me annoying mass emails!). I don't understand how one guy, one date, could throw EVERYTHING out of wack. I'm probably giving him too much power this way, and V too. Maybe I'm just caught up in self-pity.
I look around me (in reality and otherwise) and a lot of the time, I see women broken.. women struggling to be strong. I'm tired for them. It's unbelievable the crap these wonderful women are put through.. and most of the time, for nothing.
I've got to get some old-school feminist anger back! Even though, I have a hard time swallowing that stuff sometimes. I suppose what I mean by feminist anger is strength. I could never be angry to the same point.. it just doesn't suit me. I need to be affirmative. I need to not give a shit. I need to stop bending backwards. I need to stop believing bullshit. I need to believe that I deserve something better than that.
The thing I think about V is, as much as I feel like I'm in love with him, I feel sad about the idea of having put myself through all of this 'for' him. I wish it could have been equal. I wish I didn't have to badger someone into liking me.
Although, as discussed with another V, nice guys -- they sort of finish last.
Why the fuck are we such masochists!?
Fuck this shit.
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