Lots of thing have been happening in the last weeks. Lots of ice cream, hanging out with friends, Xavier Dolan's new film, parents arriving, graduating, having fits, laughing them off, working, not working, taking driving courses and reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book.
I've been coping with all these things relatively well. One strange thing that happened after my graduation supper is me having a total fit on the corner of Prince-Arthur and St-Urbain. It was me going from zero to 500 in a fraction of a second. It was a moment that has probably been building up for years. Me, walking with my mom and P, making a comment on how bratty my half-brother had been during the post-graduation family supper, them responding with 'but he's only twelve' and my reaction exploding out of nowhere. I threw the roses I had received on the ground and yelled 'I hate this kid!' storming of on St-Urbain and not looking behind, but not before I ripped my arm away from P who was trying to calm me down. I wondered if he would come running for me during a split second, but it's better that he didn't. My mom might've gotten lost, and I would have channelled my physical reaction onto him.
Like I said, this didn't happen from one isolated moment and honestly it's too long and complicated to explain here, but to summarize, it's largely about the lack of respect that this spoiled kid shows towards his parents, and the fact that he takes them so much for granted even though he's so lucky to have them both around. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but a few friends have remarked that this anger is probably a transference of anger that I have towards my parents, and not actually anger towards my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that hypothesis.. since I feel very aware of my emotions towards my dad, and they never manifest themselves so violently.
Either way, I got home. My mom was there. I didn't see P's shoes so I thought for a second maybe he left instead of staying over that night. He had gone to try to find me. I called him, he came back. I hashed out some ideas with my mom and by the time he got back I was feeling better. He made me talk about it a little, but eventually just made me giggle. All in all, i'm somewhat glad the outburst happened.. though I wish it would've happened at another time. Now i'm intrigued by this side of me i've never seen before.
My mom was lovely and awesome to be around, and it was nice to have everybody come together around a happy occasion. It feels fun to have graduated. To be done with that chapter of life. I have a feeling of endless possibility right now, which is nice.
I feel like letting out a big 'ahhhhh'.
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