Oh Mediocrity...

I've been feeling like my brain has stopped thinking. Like its elasticity is gone and all that's left are the same thoughts being repeated and going nowhere. I feel en route for Mediocrityville and will be setting up shop any day now. I also feel like the more I repeat that, the more true it becomes. Sm suggested I've become too specialized, doing and thinking about nothing but film, and in a way I think he's right. I'm not sure if it's a symptom of my lazyness, or the lack of awesome stuff going on around school (see Remedios Terrarium from last winter). Another part of my brain thinks: "well Adl, you should MAKE things happen" and that's where the conversation ends. I've some ideas kicking around and I'm too scared to do anything with them.

I went to Vncnt's place the other day for breakfast before walking to school. We talked about these things, mediocrity, school and fear of rejection. He said he did things because he thought he might get rejected, learned a lot in the process or got accepted. He gave me a bug that made me want to try something, something I would surely get rejected from. I decided my project would be to find a cinema-related job. I have yet to attempt it, because I'm a little distracted with school.. (whoa whoa whoa.. Excuses Alert! -- I'm making excuses.. damn me!)

Anyway, today when I was picking up books from the library at school, the librarian smiled at me when he looked at my books: Films and Dreams: Tarkovsky, Bergman, Sokurov, Kubrick and Wong Kar-Wai and Deleuze and The Schizoanalysis of Cinema. I wonder what he was thinking. In that very instant I wondered: "Could I be happy being a regular librarian (checking out books, glancing at titles and smiling at students) and designing book covers on the side?" In my head, I felt like throwing everything away. I also feel like I'm in serious need of some career advising and mentoring (that being said, I just sent an email to the Head Archivist of Concordia who agreed to give me some graduate studies advice).

I need a new motto. I need motivation. I need to stop being discouraged. I remember during the xmas break I was watching Oprah (we only have four channels!), there was this guy who came from a poor, broken family and he worked his way into Harvard and lived his dream of being a pro-NFL-er. As cheesy as Oprah is, this guy had a good motto, it was: "Let no one out work you today." Maybe that'll be my new motto. It used to be (without me knowing it was -- oh first year ambition, where did you go?)

I think I'm waiting for something to go wrong.

Everything is going great with P. He continues to be sweet and interesting. He came over to our house for supper this weekend. It was really nice to have him there with Sm and an old high school friend. I would have liked to have Jcq around a little more, but hey, what can you do? P slept in my tiny bed. It's so tiny. I was worried he wouldn't sleep. I didn't ask if he did or not, but he sent me an email today saying how I was warm and comfortable and he didn't want to leave but had to.

I haven't been swimming lately, so I don't feel awesome. I am the only one with the power to do anything about that, I'm not sure why I don't. Tomorrow, I'm gong to Aquafit, no matter what.

I've been biting my nails again... stress is starting to rear its ugly head. I need to keep my sense of perspective, not let it get clouded by worry, which at the moment, it is.