Semi-successful Investigation

I've been thinking a lot about relationships: friendly ones, blood ones, and romantic ones. I find it interesting how some people are very hesitant to think about them, to think about how they are formed, what makes them work, what makes them last.

How do we define 'friend'? Is it defined by the frequency of their presence? Geographic proximity? I think part of it is about being on the same page at the same time. Not necessarily close in terms of daily life, but connected through their interpretation of their experiences. Their ability to empathize, maybe. Often this is related to comforting someone, given them advice, which ultimately boils down to 'listening'. Listening with their open heart.

What sort of expectations to we have of our friends? I suppose I'm stating that they should listen with their heart. But one interesting thing my mom proposed to me when I was having some difficulty adapting to Jcqs and I's changed friendship, she said: 'he does not owe you anything'. I had difficulty wrapping my head around this because I had a hurt-feelings residue, but later I came to realize that she's right. Friends don't owe us anything. We shouldn't be friends with people because we think that somehow they owe us their time, their attention, their respect because we give ours to them. Being someone's friend should be a selfless thing (or as much as possible, because we all know how doing good to others makes us feel great too).

Now, I perfectly understand it when someone argues, 'but people are friends because the other person gives them something, there is a mutual exchange that happens', and I can agree that an energy exchange can occur, but expecting this exchange is where it becomes problematic. Expecting anything is problematic, because that creates certain limits in which this friend fits. Then how are we supposed to deal with unforeseen changes? When we become frustrated, disappointed, feel forgotten or replaced? When one of the pair begins feeling these things, it means there are some kind of expectation established. I can understand how expectations are related to a sense of 'caring': if someone never expects anything of you and you can be here or there, and everything is the same, then how do you know that the other person has any sense of you, what you do, what you care about, where you are and how you feel.

The other problem with expectations is that they are so arbitrary. For this, I use an extreme example in a slightly different interpersonal dynamic (a romantic relationship): I expect my partner never to hit me, under any circumstances. This, which seems so black and white is not when you consider that for some women, being hit can (probably unconsciously) be justified. Now, in a friendship the example should probably be milder, but my point is simply that expectations create a 'lose-lose' situation, because they are different for every person. Then, if we don't expect anything out of anyone, it's win-win, because we'll constantly be surprised.

Now, I must emphasize that I am not convinced that the issue is so clear cut, or that it will ever be. But, I think it's important to think about it because when we become disappointed we should think about what is really disappointing us.

I see so many holes in all the possible variations of these arguments, I'm not sure what to make of them. What I have noticed in my subtle investigations of people and their relationships is that it seems most people are reticent about discussing friends, love and family. Then I wondered why? Is it because these elements of life should be felt, and not thought?

I'm not sure I can do that. I love thinking about the people around me too much. They're my point of reference.