New York State of Mind

Just got back from a 4 day trip to NYC with P. Five consecutive nights, four consecutive days, 24 hours per day -- the longest amount of time we've ever spent together. It was absolutely wonderful. Everything about the trip -- except my shoes -- was wonderful. The weather was nice, we did so much stuff! : MoMA, kebabs in Grand Central Station, lounging on the Top of the Rockefeller, hot dogs in Battery Park, Staten Island Ferry for the Statue of Liberty, Staten Island, Wall street, Dakota Building, Central Park, Upper West Side, Greek Restaurant, Lincoln Performing Arts center for coffee, The 39 Steps on Broadway, Union Square, delicious pizza on 14th street, finally finding a greek cup I've been looking for for years, IFC for The Art of the Steal, street food on an alley in Greenwich village, chocolate cake and cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery, burgers and fries at Dumont in Brooklyn, bed, sleep, an 8 hour car ride back to the city with P singing songs and me giggling or sleeping, a brief goodbye and (poof!) here I am.

They say when you travel with someone you get to see another side of this person, the "new" side I saw of P (which wasn't really new, but only more pronounced) was his bottomless patience. When we got to Manhattan and the GPS conked out on us because of the sky scrappers he stayed cool, calm and collected despite all the chaos going on around us. When we finally made it to Brooklyn and we missed turn after turn, he just said "so what's the next street?" in a sweet voice and kept singing.

We didn't get lost for the most part, but on the first night, I was somewhat delirious from hunger and we were not in the right neighborhood for food, but he never got pushy or irritated despite the fact that we walked three (big) blocks in the wrong direction (and despite the fact that the resto I was looking for was closed by that time). He was as happy as a clam the whole time and so was I. It was incredibly easy to be happy around him. We made funny noises and held hands as we walked briskly around town. Both our feet killing us.

Overall, I think i've learned a lot more about P's rhythm in life. Although he's a go-getter when it comes to his work, he's really more a savourer when it comes to life. He inspired calm in me the whole time. It was quite wonderful and now I feel really centered, calm, undramatic. As we parted he said "see you soon" and I thought "it's okay, i'll see you when I see you (and I love you)". I know I shouldn't be projecting into the future too much, but now I really believe that if a long distance relationship is in the cards for us, we'll get through it.

I will put up pictures as soon as I can. I took my camera, so it takes a bit of time to get the film developed. He liked NY, which I'm happy about, considering I've been in love with that city ever since I can remember -- though I think now I'm more of a Brooklyn kind of gal. Oh to renovate a beautiful brownstone.. oh to dream..

Mixed Feelings News

I get home and my roommates asks me if I received his text. I say no. He says, 'you got a letter', I look over to my bed, and there it is, a white 8.5 by 11 envelope sitting on my bed. I walk over to it. It's from the University of Toronto. Something in me says, 'I can't open it'. I wait a few minutes then I do. I got accepted to the program. It doesn't really feel like anything, though I know it should be an exhilarating moment. All I can think in my head is 'it doesn't matter if I get accepted or not, I need that scholarship to be able to go'. That thought takes the wind out of the moment. I call P, he's excited, he congratulates me, I call my mom, she does the same, and reassures me that everything financial will fall into place.

I hope she's right. I know around this time the Ontario Graduate Scholarship awards are supposed to be announced. I figure it's not a bad idea to go on their website to check the status of my application. Something I forbade myself to do before because I knew it would just turn into an obsession. I get on the website, go through the random usernames and passwords I never remember and get to a page where i'm asked to select an option. My eyes look around the page lightning fast and I select the first option I see starting with an 'O', because my application is the OGS. It informs me that 'You currently have no 2009-2010 files online'. My mind is sent into the most intense tailspin i've felt in a long time. Suddenly, the acceptance I got from Toronto was no longer an option, it was forbidden to think about, my whole future was ripped apart in two seconds.

I decide to write a post about the absurdity of life, and it's unfairness, and my disappointment. I want to quote the line that sent me into shock correctly, so I go back to the site (after having done so several times before, as if in disbelief) and for some reason, my eyes aren't so quick to scan the page. I see 4 options, one of which is the OGS option, my option. I click on it and it brings me to a page informing me that my application has been received and is complete. I will find out the results after april 14th.

I cry from the shock of the whole situation. I had no idea I had so much pent-up anxiety about this. I thought my anxiety was all out in the open. Turns out, when everything collapses in one instant, my anxiety is infinitely more acute. Now my eyes are burning, my nose is stuffed and my heart is finally slowing down from the whole thing.

I can't believe this world, in all it's greatness and disastrousness.

Oh Mom

Twice this week, I almost died. Once I went to heaven. It was after smelling my clothesline dried towels. So lovely. The time I almost died, though, that was a few minutes after I get a call from a nice sounding lady called Rose. She informs me that I am, in fact, six credits short of graduation. Then waterfalls came rushing out of my eyeballs. How can this be? How is this possible? I'm so organized! I've been planning this since my first semester! I saw advisers twice last year! This CAN'T BE HAPPENING! Indeed it was, and would be for another three days, since nobody in academia works on fridays.

Basically what I think has happened is a huge misunderstanding. I was told twice that I could graduate in december. I don't know what these profs were thinking when they told me this, but I always left those meetings feeling great, feeling ahead of the game. Why rush things? Why not spread it out over two semesters? Sure enough I did, but then in january I thought: why waste the money on three classes, when I really only need one? All this to say that they didn't realize until last friday that something was wrong with my file, sending me in a panic with not much hope. I'm so over undergraduate studies. I need to get out of here. I can't spend any more time and money here.

This whole thing has sucked the romanticism out of graduation in such huge proportions.

In other news, the week passed by really quickly, which is nice for a change. I was busy trying to console my friend Lé. Trying to tell her that things happen for a reason, even breakups. I think she needs to spend some time alone. I sure did, and I'm pretty sure it helped me mellow out (what does that say!?).

I've got a presentation tomorrow, in french. I've got my lecture notes and everything, but I don't feel ready to say all these things. To formulate sentences.. to express ideas.. in french.. in front of a whole room of.. frenchies. When it's done though, it'll be done and I won't have to think about it. Off to NYC I will go with my sweet P. Four consecutive days together, 24 hours per day, I can't wait!

I really want to find one of those greek coffee cups. And get some Magnolia cupcakes. And run into SJP in the street. I'm bringing my camera for sure this time!

My mom says she wants us to go when I graduate from my MA. I think I would rather go to India or Turkey with her. I wish I had more pictures of her when she was young.

Sweet Suppers

I really feel like having a small gathering with a table dressed like this, except there would be another table with sweets on it, and another table with things to make mini snadwiches with.

Epiphanies and Pompons

Today was a great day! I woke up, took it easy until I went to work at 11, wore a cute outfit, had a coffee date with P and our friend Arl, talked about film, and then had a wonderful epiphany. I've been thinking a lot lately about what my passion is, what I can do with my interests, my talents and my time, and I think I've found a direction. For some reason, the word 'design' was in my mind when I visualized my (ideal) future but I couldn't put my finger on anything satisfactory. I've dabbled in graphic design for about 4 years now, but I've never felt the urge to change career directions for this. Now I think I've found something that makes sense: art direction/production design!

This thought just occurred to me tonight, so of course I haven't thought out the nuances of the job, but I think there is something there, something I can do with my hands, and my heart, and my creativity. I don't want to change direction in my MA, I still really want to do archiving, but perhaps I could give it a try as a hobby. I feel like I'm good at putting things together (this is what I do as a layout editor and editor of the cinema journal). There's something about art direction that I think would touch my emotional side, rather than my thinking side, which I really like. When I was discussing this with Arl he told me to look into art history and color theory. I can just collect images in my mind and call them up when I need them. This is very exciting. I love it when things make sense.

Today we made pompons at work. I made a mini one and put it in my hair.

Open Heart

I just got back from visiting P's family with him this weekend. His mom won tickets to a hockey game so he and his papa went to it, while me and his mama stayed home, baked cookies and watched Gilmore Girls.

I had some very personal talks with her this time. She's the kind of person who's very interested in people and likes talking, so I can't help but eventually spill all my beans. This time though, I got some insight into her life and her marriage. She often says things like 'i'm not perfect' and 'everybody's got a story' but I never would have guessed to what extent she meant it. I appreciated the fact that she shared the difficulties she has had in her marriage. I often feel like I'm alone in my relationship struggles, when in fact, all relationships have struggles. She also said some things about her husband that rang true for P, which I thought was interesting.

The bulk of our discussion though was about following your creativity and putting yourself first. I told her I struggle to reconcile putting myself first with having a relationship. In a way, she didn't reassure me about anything : "Would P not go somewhere or do something because of you?" "no" "then neither should you!" But the conversation did go as far as discussing children. She said "P will want a family at some point in his life; he'll want all the things he had when he grew up. Besides, he loves holidays too much not to have a family."

I think she and P are very similar in their work ethic. She said to me, "you know, P will work a lot no matter what he's doing" and she's right. She also said something like 'you have to love the those things about him'. I think I know what she means by this, but I'm afraid I couldn't love someone wanting to be away from me, that seems destructive and hopeless.

All in all it was a lovely weekend. Lying around, eating, sleeping, watching GG. It was nice to spend three nights with P. At some points, I was excited to put myself first and get things going in my life. I need to keep that feeling.

I'm glad today I'm okay with life questions.

My stepdad will have open heart surgery. Fingers crossed to the max that everything goes well (and that he's able to turn his life around). What a second chance.

Mentally Jumping Through Hoops

This week was okay for the most part. Sunday or Monday I found out that my step-dad had chest pains and was taken to the hospital. This is 5 years after his first heart attack, and many years of continued smoking and drinking. Although we've had a strained relationship, there's no question that I would be devastated if anything were to happen to him. It feels like there are too many people dying around me. Every time my mom calls I always listen to her tone to see if I can hear and anticipate the news that my gramma is gone, or that my step-dad didn't make it through the night.

This news, compounded with the woman's story (see previous post) and various thoughts floating in my head about relationships and expectations lead up to a tense night last night with P. For the first time in the 1 year and 3 months we've been together, I felt cold towards him. Something in me wanted to be distant. 'You put yourself and your career first, fine, I don't need you' ran through my head. These thoughts were totally irrational and speaking to the news of my stepdad more than anything else.

There's lots of change happening around me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take it all in. I spoke to my mom tonight and she said 'P is teaching you lessons, he's waking things up in you that are about you, not about your relationship. He's making you think about what you want in life and what you want in a partner. You're not waking up as much in him, because he's not allowing it, he's not there yet. He still needs to feel in control'. I think she's right. Part of me worries about all these questions I'm always asking myself. I worry that I'm over-thinking and obsessing, but now that I think about it, it is just a way of sorting out what i want out of life and out of relationships. Logically I know this is a good thing, because, I think I will know when I've learned all I needed to learn from this person.

I have to remember that relationships should be grounded in the present, because the future doesn't mean too much in reality. I was thinking that something in me wanted a promise. Do you want him to ask you to marry him? Do you want to have kids? Well, logically I know neither of these things are promises enough to keep people together, or to make them love each other. Screw promises, you can't promise anything to anyone, because things change so much. Besides, I would never want to coax someone into promising me anything. I know the nuances of promises and questions like 'will you love me forever?' because i know that love could mean different things, it can evolve and it can die. I myself know that I would answer 'well, I will love you as long as i can, but that love might change into another kind of love as time goes on'..

All this to say, today I was very upset with the world. I was asking a lot of it: I was asking for certainty, but all it could tell me was 'everything will be okay'. Somehow that wasn't enough, but after talking to my mom, it seems not so bad.

Besides, I'm consoled by the thought that my mom says her two greatest loves are her children and that knowing we're in the world fills her heart with love everyday. I'd jump through hoops for her.

Oh, pourquoi es-tu si belle?

My coworker found this pretty girl on The Sartorialist blog. Very pretty, very classic. One thing I've noticed about this photographers recent images is that there are always two matching colors balancing the frame. For example, her red nail polish with a red sign in the back. They don't have to be obvious, but just visible enough for the eyes to look, connect and forget in the pleasantness that is in the image.

Two women came into the boutique today. I knew one of them (an ex of my friend) and she happened to also call her daughter Adl. She was with a friend and we began chatting about names. Her friend said her daughter's name was Juliette. She told the story of how they forgot to give her middle names when she and her partner were filling out legal papers at the hospital. She said she sort of thought it was strange because her daughter didn't have her name anywhere, as it is pretty common in these parts for the children to take both parents' family names. She said 'My partner and I had only been together two months when I got pregnant.. I didn't get the chance to want to have children with him, it just happened. Before that I had been with a man for 10 years, we discussed children, we planned on it. I was thinking of baby names that would go well with his last name. Now I find myself with a baby who doesn't have my name, and doesn't have the name I imagined my baby having. In some ways, I still have to get used to her family name.'

The woman looked perfectly content, but something in me felt sad. Maybe her calmness betrayed something, or maybe I just saw my own fear and sadness reflected in her. I thought it was sad that you could spend so much time with someone, imagine such grand things with them and then have it all go to waste, disappear, as if they had never happened. I sometimes worry that that will happen to me.

Of course, if someone is in a good place, a healthy and balanced place, then even such a drastic change can be taken with stride... I suppose it comes back to the question of 'do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one?' I don't feel i'm in that situation, but I think it's one of my biggest fears.

I'm looking forward to NYC with P.

Less is More

I just finished watching Coco Avant Chanel. It is far from being a life changing movie, but it did have an interesting impact on me. Audrey Tautou is pretty, that's a given, but what came out of this movie in particular was how pretty dark haired women are. I don't think we think of black-haired beauties in the same way as other beautiful women. Tautou was simply stunning. I also enjoyed her thick eyebrows and straight eyelashes -- both features I've personally been embarrassed about my whole life, for a reason unknown to me.

Also, when sending my application to UofT and exploring the possibility of getting accepted, I made a decision somewhere in my mind that I would cut my hair really short. A new beginning? A new identity? Maybe. I really like this haircut, and now that I've found a picture, maybe I will cut it if I get accepted.



I've rekindled my passion for fashion in the last few days. I fell on a website with Marc Jacobs' latest collection and I thought 'Yes! He did it again!' He did a forties thing in the early 2000s that blew me away, and probably ignited my love for forties fashion.



and



simply lovely.

Beautiful details, always the details.



Now, this girl has the craziest, zaniest fashion blog i've ever seen. I had heard about her last year, but she has since skyrocketed into hipsterdome. She's going to fashion shows and making a name for herself at 13 years old. How do these things happen? I can't wrap my mind around it, though I do appreciate her use of Wes Anderson's favourite font for her blog title. All this leads me to believe her blog is too good to be true, but interesting nonetheless.

Why is Robert Redford so Cool?

Even when he plays ping-pong (with Paul Newman no less).

Mighty Girls!

This week started out rough, but ended up uncharacteristically light and bright. I had a good talk with P earlier this week post-'nobody cares about me!'. It happens to me every year around this time, I get lonely, feel disconnected. I remember two years ago I felt the same way, except I was single, so somehow it felt worse. I remember talking to my mom outside of the Concordia library and saying how I had tried to call my dad and we didn't connect, and I probably felt like my friends were busy (which they probably were -- hey! they were students! duh). I remember feeling totally lost and sad. It didn't feel exactly the same this time, but a combination of factors did cue a reminder. Everybody came to my rescue, of course. I think I have to trust and be more patient when it comes to this stuff.

I just found something on the (don't laugh) Oprah website about the ebb and flows of relationships:

Unlike dysfunction, healthy intimacy pulls away, bounces back, creates infinite fresh configurations. Trusting the rhythm of each relationship, rather than insisting on robotic consistency, will keep you from panicking when someone's boundaries move a bit toward or away from you. Insist on continuous connection with just one individual: your own self, who knows where to draw the boundary lines on any given day, with any given person.

I think it rings true, and it's something I have to constantly remind myself.

The week zipped by. I don't even remembered what I did half the time. I know I saw P on one afternoon. I went to a fish fry at a church with Vnss and Lv. Went to a sweet 80th birthday supper for a friend of P's family. Had his parents and sister over for brunch today -- big success. I made an egg bake with mushrooms and asparagus and goat cheese, with a garden salad, fruit salad, breakfast sausage, cantaloupe, a little nectarine-kiwi salad and some croissant. It was really great. All the colors were so pretty. It made a lovely plate. Before his parents arrived, P and I hung around and talked. It was a nice change. We're usually doing things all the time, we rarely sit on the couch and talk. I like how aware I am of when he chooses to open up. It feels kind of special every time.

I went swimming friday morning, and I had a great rest of day. I should should should go more often... but I'm going to hold off on the pressure for now.

This seems like a pretty cute website. Chin up! Let's be mighty!

Off & On

After sending out a few feelers on this bored situation, I've come to conclude that being bored is, in fact, okay. Someone made me realise I don't have to be 'on' or 'on it' all the time, and though I know this in theory, I have to put my money were my mouth is. Besides, I spent my whole childhood being okay with being bored. I used to say I could never be bored no matter how dull the situation I was in -- mostly involving television. Why would I want to push that so far away from me? I turned out okay despite all the tv-time.

I've decided to be okay with this, so tonight I'm watching Gilmore Girls on DVD.

I had another strange thing happen to me in the last three days. I had been sending emails here and there to P and other friends (links I found funny, but more thoughtful emails too). I'm always torn about my motivation for sending emails. Do I send them simply to get a response? In many cases, I think the answer is yes. Somehow, yesterday, all this came down to 'nobody gives a shit about what I think and feel (because they don't respond to my emails)' and 'nobody wants to connect with me'. It was all very dramatic in my mind.

I know I'm in a weird spot right now. I can tell the difference between my level of zen-ness now and my level a month and a half ago. There are minor traces of desperation.. there are obvious signals I'm not putting myself first.. but I'm mixed up because everything seems to be going so well...

Watching the film 'Little Children' did it. I spent the evening feeling depressed. Then I started crying. Somehow I really wanted to talk to P. I knew he was at work, but I texted him to call me if he had a free minute. Not 2 minutes later he called.

Me: making crying noises. Him: Bb, are you okay? What's wrong? Me: Nobody responds to my eeemails! Nobody wants to connect with me!

He proceeds to apologise for not responding to the last few emails I sent, he consoles me and promises to respond to them the next day. Then he asks me a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel better that he is engaging with me. I realized late in the evening that this situation felt so acute because it reminded me of my non-responsive parents, and how much that hurt growing up. I asked him if he's stressed (because i felt like he was distant in the day) and he says yes. So all in all it was a good conversation, followed by good emails. He responded very openly to the email I sent him about being bored. He shared a lot in that email. It was nice to feel like he let me in for a little bit.

In other news, more diy projects up my sleeve. I'm thinking about doing a large grouping of artworks in my room instead of having them all spread out like I do now. I absolutely adore thinking about these things.

Fun!

Move it along, Nothin' to see here...

I'm bored. Busy, but bored. What's up with that?

Polka Dot Tights

A few things happened since last week. Deciding that I would do my best to move beyond fear, I decided I would have a conversation with P about how I was feeling. What was the most fundamental was that I missed him, and not being able to share this with him because of my own fear seemed unhealthy, so I did. He instantly said 'I miss you too' and then I explained a little more my quest to get beyond my fear and so on. In the instant that I did it, I felt better, and I've felt better ever since. In fact, I think it sort of opened the door for him to express how he feels too. He's been expressing stuff he didn't used to, so it makes me feel like we're on the same 'miss you' page.

Last week was good, this week has started off well, we spent a whole 24 hours together last weekend. We went to see a jazz show with some friends and it was pretty good. The next day when he asked me what I wanted to do I said 'oh.. i don't know..' and when he asked me again later I said 'anything as long as you're around' which is what I was holding back from saying earlier. So we went shopping for pants. After he decided on a few pairs, he offered to buy me a little something to thank me for my help. So I picked out awesome polka dot tights, which I've wanted for a long time, but somehow could never justify buying.

I wore my polka dot tights today when we went to see Avatar this afternoon. I think it's actually cool that my work schedule is M-W-F, because then we can spend some afternoon time together occasionally. I think i'm more comfortable asking for some of this time now.

In other news, I got accepted to McGill and I have to give them my answer before the 19th. It turns out my answer needs to be accompanied by a 300$ non-refundable deposit. After a few hours of panic, P made me realize that I should be investing in my future, not taking risks like this. I was thinking of taking a leap of faith that everything would work out for Toronto -- get the Ontario Graduate Scholarship, get accepted and get funding -- but those chances are seriously slim. He offered to pay for it, which makes me want to cry because it's so sweet and generous. He also said his parents would help too, because he had mentioned a potential fee to his mom last week. His mother did offer to pay for it too in an email exchange I had with her today.

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I wish McGill wasn't asking for such a ridiculously huge chunk of change. I wish I didn't have as much debt as my age x 1000. I hope someday I can be generous too.

In other other news, I did my very first do-it-yourself upholstery project and it was fantastic! I reupholstered two little stools I found outside. Covered them with dark purple velvet, spray painted the metal frame in silver - they are gorgeous! I'm totally addicted to d-i-y projects now. They make you feel so good. They make you feel like you're doing something. It's good to do something with our hands. I've got my eye on a complicated shelf system. P said he would help me. I love the thought of doing d-i-y projects with him. I'm all proud of my little stools.

Fun fun fun..

Mind-Heart Disconnect

Ugh. I'm tired of my mind and my heart being incommunicado. Lat week sort of zipped by, I felt good about my busyness, I felt good about the work I was doing, I felt good in general. Then Wednesday, I miss him. Okay, it's normal. Just keep going. I knew I was seeing him on Sunday night at his house with a few other friends. Great. Sunday morning, up, bright and early, I miss him. I cry a little bit. I remember 'don't make breaking down a habit' and I suck it up, besides, I'm going to see him that night. Sunday was lovely, we took a nice short nap on the couch when I arrived. Both tired -- from what? Sleeping?

The part with friends was fine. I admit, I did think for a split second: 'the only night I get with him, and I have to share him?!' but I also thought it would be good for him to socialize with other people, since his schedule doesn't normally allow it. I never want to be the girlfriend who keeps him from his friends. Tonight, tears. Am I tired? I felt tired this morning. Am I stressed? Maybe, I just found out about a presentation I'll have to do in my class, alone, and in french. Do I miss him? Yeah.

There are two weird things happening within me. The one part that completely understands what he's doing and why he's doing it. Understands and respects. The other part (my heart) that hurts a little (euphemism) that I can only see him once per week, and the bigger heart-part that worries my emotions will end my relationship. I imagine it as something like this: "I miss you and this once per week things hurts, even though I understand it" "Well... I don't want to hurt you, so it's over".

Wow. Writing that down seems really dramatic. A few weeks ago I would have been totally against the idea of opening this part of me (my heart) to him about this, but I think I will tomorrow. And I think I have a mix of reasonable and emotional stuff to bring to the table, so that it creates a somewhat messy situation which he will hopefully understand, tell me he loves me and that it's okay.

I think I want to tell him more about my book, because that's where my head-heart connection makes sense (or at least, is put into words). I feel like my heart is exposed in general right now, feeling everything with great intensity: my gramma, all this feminist stuff, my relationship, and even some friendships. So the situation with not seeing him is sensitive, even though I know and feel that our hearts are connected.

Tomorrow I don't work. And I think I'm planning a trip to nyc sometime in march (avec ou sans P). I saw a great movie called Herb & Dorothy, about a couple of modest incomes who built one of the most important contemporary art collections ever. It made me want to consume art. Besides that I'm reading a book to help me find my passion. I'm giving myself one year to find it, and make it my life.

I bought this poster. It makes me happy.

Cool School

So i've had this idea floating around in my head for a number of months about starting a school. Originally I wanted to expand the cinema program into something else, something like what I experienced at the cinema school in Cuba last year. After some thought and discussion, I realized that creating an affiliation to the university (or any other old-time institution) would probably end up being quite limiting.

My idea was to have a cinema school that focuses heavily on theory, practice and production. Theory would mean every student would have to be familiarized with the core concepts of film studies, going back to the early days of theory in the 1920s, but also reaching further back to include more general art theories too.

The practice would mean a few things: not only practicing one's craft, but also thinking about methods. There would be a class to help the student find their optimal working style. Some people can work hours and hours two days before a project is due, others need to mull over a projects for weeks, work on it in stages and then produce something complete. I was never taught how to learn or how to work efficiently, and although this might seem obvious to some people, I don't really think it's a given for everyone. Besides, sharing ideas about methods would undoubtedly be interesting or inspiring for others. The idea would be to get a collaborative feeling going between students. Taking the shift away from individual genius and making people with great ideas work together to make them powerful. Practice would also mean trial and error. Hopefully, the school would have enough resources for students to dabble in all kinds of things, developing their overall creativity. Practice would also involve a certain level of administrative arts, or business. Maybe, learning about contracts, rights, and other practical industry knowledge I'm not familiar with. (Note to self: find someone businessy to figure this out.)

Production was originally supposed to be a production company; in the same way that some universities have Presses to print their scholarly activities, this school would have a production unit composed of a network of individuals in and out of the school. After thinking about this for a while and talking to some other people, I thought if the school expands beyond cinema into music or performing arts generally, then maybe the production company shouldn't be limited to film. Maybe the school could have one big project per year, alternating between a film, a live music show, an opera, a dance or whatever. That would give the other areas several years to work on developing their projects. I'm unsure if this is possible, for a production company to produce many different kinds of works, but maybe it could be the first.

Thinking about this some more, and watching several TED talks, made me think that having an official 'institution' might not be a good idea. Institutions have a history of being very rigid and probably thwarting creativity. I watched one talk that was discussing how big internet successes are mostly ones that are flexible, accessible projects -- think flickr, youtube. Ones where people can contribute what they want, when they want. This is now my biggest mental challenge: figuring out how to have a flexible, inviting, creatively thriving "school" that has enough structure to produce things like films and operas which demand huge commitments. The challenge for me is uncertainty. How to deal with the uncertainty of who is in the school, working, learning, producing, at any given time? How to deal with the uncertainty of their compatibility? How to deal with the uncertainty of the attractiveness of this flexibility outside of the school (and indirectly, its legitimacy)?

The school in Cuba functions with visiting lecturer workshops. They have a core group of professors, but they bring in many top quality individuals from the industry (not only teachers, editors, producers, writers). This seems like a great idea. It would certainly add to the interest of the school, and create links between the school and the industry.. I think if the basis of the school, it's more fundamental principle is collaboration, then it might have a shot.

The trouble right now is, there's no real urgency for this kind of school. I know a bunch of talented creative people in all kinds of artistic field who are frustrated by the lack of creative locus in the city, but I don't know many of them with enough gusto to want commit to this crazy idea flowering in my head.

I want thinkers. I need thinkers right now. People who want to develop this, or at least watch a whole bunch of TED talks about talk about them.

Just Do It!

Somehow the stars aligned last night. I was in class watching this feminist movie. It was bizarre. A film about the condition of women in the seventies. The women were principally factory workers, waitresses, strippers, all kinds of jobs at the service of men. It was criticizing the limitations and lack of respect women had at the time, but what struck me was the the filmmaker was not giving any sense of validation to the work these women were doing. It's sort of serendipitous because I had a brief conversation about this very thing last friday with Vnss. Women who do this kind of work, who are we to make them feel bad about it? Who are we to see no value in it? Things need to be made, plates need to be cleaned, I'm not saying only women or only men should be doing this, but instead of seeing the denigration through the gender, we should just value the work these people are doing. I'm unsure at what age we're programmed to believe this kind of work is not noble, or doesn't deserve the same respect as lawyers and doctors.

It's like the old tale about how in Germany plumbers make as much money as doctors, because they are as valuable to society as doctors. I don't know why we have all these divisions here. This is a kind of mythical story I remember from childhood. I don't actually know if plumbers are as valued as doctors in Germany.

This film left me feeling like I was doomed not to achieve anything in life. That the cards were inevitably stacked against me no matter what I did in life. If I try, like I am now, to focus on being a good person, instead of getting ahead in life, then, I'll be left behind. I felt pretty anxious after this whole thing. Feminist films make me so anxious!

The thought that came to mind to remedy this feeling of not doing anything with my life more than working a retail job (which is awesome and a big part of my personal journey, but there is a part of me that looks down on this for some reason) was that when I went to the cinémathèque the other day, the girl working there was really nice. I thought 'I wonder how people get jobs there... I should just go and ask her!' Then I get home, reply to several emails, and then I read one from Lé about the cinémathèque currently hiring! My fear says, 'don't do it, Bummis is so comfortable and good for you' but my brain says 'oh my god! you can do this job! what perfect timing! Do it!' In the spirit of just doing things (and not thinking about them so much), I applied for a job at the cinémathèque.

I'm a bit anxious to see if i'll go through this process, because applying doesn't always mean getting considered. Scary, but somewhat exciting.

That He Not Busy Being Born Is Busy Dying

This is an interesting idea, if you're not busy being born, you're busy dying. What does it mean to be busy being born? I think I might be. Naissance. It's a very pretty word, and an even prettier concept.

I've suddenly rekindled my affection for bob dylan.

This week went by so fast. I don't know if it was only working three days, or being busy, or what, but I was happy when I realized I would be seeing P the next day! I went to find him at his house while he was gone to Canadian Tire to get that plastic stuff you put on windows to give better insulation. I got there and started making appetizers for Vnss's party. Every time I see him now, it's one of the most special moments in my week. Hugging him, looking him in the eyes, it's all heightened. This week I didn't feel any desperation.

We had a while before going to the party so he started putting the plastic stuff on the windows and I was cooking up a storm. It felt a little bit like what it would be like to live together, it felt nice and comfortable. I have a secret wish that he will one day want to live with me, but I think I want to wait long enough to know that living together won't be the pronouncement of the end of our relationship.

I watched many movies last week, and somehow a lot of them were about marriage. People were basically all saying: 'Marriage, what's the point? What's the point of this piece of paper? Have you ever seen a successful marriage? Why jump into this thing that is basically a death sentence?' I've often secretly hoped that if I did find someone that somehow 'we would be different, we would be the couple that made it work', and all that nonsense. I think i've gotten a random dose of reality, and now I'm not really convinced about the whole marriage idea. However, I have this secret that I'm kind of ashamed of... there's a part of me that wants to be someone's wife, to be introduced 'this is my wife, adl', and to introduce my husband. It doesn't come out of possessive part of me, I don't want to be possessed... but maybe I do, a little bit. Somehow I have this hugely romantic notion that 'my wife' and 'my husband' will always be said with the tone of deep respect and affection, despite the fact that it is probably more often said with disdain.

I feel like I've strayed away from my original path. So, we get to the party and we're pretty much hanging solo. I don't think I've quite figured out how to socialize as a couple, and I'm unsure how he feels about it, but I do know that he's shyer than I thought. So we sit on the couch and talk. I forget the order of things, but I think he said 'should we go? we're just sitting here?' and I said 'let's wait five minutes and then reassess' because I felt like we hadn't given it our best shot. Then he laughs and says 'What!? What's going to happen in five minutes?' and I say 'anything could happen!' Then he says something like it's always better to do something than to do nothing, to which I respond 'you know what that book i'm reading says about that? It says that restlessness is rooted in fear' and he responds 'yeah, that's totally true. I would rather do things than sit around thinking. I always want to be doing things' Then I give him this 'are you kidding me?' look and he says, 'ok, i'm only half kidding, take what I say and cut it in half' and then I am secretly reassured. Then he goes on to say that during the christmas holiday having nothing to do made him stress about the future, his work in particular.

We then start talking about tomorrow's plan: having supper with his folks. I had spoken to his mother a few days before to invite her to come have supper at my house the next time they were in town. We started talking about my christmas holiday, about my gramma, and about my family. One thing led to another and I spilled my family history. About the divorce, the alcoholism, the tension and the alienation. All this stuff I had never discussed with P because I didn't want to define myself with it. I used to do that. I would give people the rundown of who I was within a few meetings, because I wanted them to understand why I was the way I was. I saw myself as a broken person, so I felt like I needed to explain this. With enough time out of that environment, I became a different person. When I met P, I wanted it to come up in its own time. So now that I had told his mom, I felt awkward about the idea that she knew more about my family history than he did. So we're on the couch talking and I told him about this awkward situation. Then I gave him the abridged version of my family history and he looked at me and said 'you're so brave, bb' and he kissed me. Then I told him this sort of explains why I'm always second guessing myself, overthinking things, trying to work on things, trying to be strong and brave, trying to become fearless. Then he said 'well, you must've wanted to tell someone if you told her' and I said 'oh no, everybody knows, it's no secret, I just hadn't told you'. He looks at me with a funny face, asks why and I explain the bit about not wanting to be defined by this past. He responds sweetly.

I'm happy that opening a part of myself to him was positive. I'm not sure why I was worried about it. I think I'm figuring these things out, but hopefully we'll have a lifetime to figure them out together.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw

Kinda looks like an older P.

Let's Do it, Ladies!

Let's do wonderful things!

Delayed Gratification

Yesterday was okay. I received the sweetest love email from P. But on my way downtown, I sat on the bus and read The Sacred Path and everything became extraordinary. Somehow everything I was thinking and feeling was in front of me, in words, being explained. Two chapters, The Genuine Heart of Sadness, and Fear and Fearlessness put everything into perspective. It was basically explaining that I'm in a place right now where I want to open my heart to the world and the people in it. I want to open it because I want to be awake to the world and feel it. What happens is by exposing our hearts in a raw and genuine way, everything becomes a little more sensitive. It says that 'Fearlessness (which is what i'm going for here) is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart.'

In the chapter about fearlessness, it describes a common mistake many people make: understanding fearlessness as a reduction of fear, when really, fearlessness is going beyond fear. This reminded me of the acting class I took this summer. There was a quote on the wall that said, 'The only way to get through it, is to go through it.' I remember wanting so much to be able to go through it, but I don't think I had the tools to accept my fear then. I love how being soft and sensitive is the way to get to fearlessness, because now I feel like I am going in that direction in a way that is honest to myself.

Something else that was interesting was how it discussed fear at the root of restlessness, and nervousness. Below them is sadness, and below it, fear. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it this way, but I can't help but think 'is this why P always likes being busy?' Either way, this is my journey, not his, and that's okay.

On my way back from school I read another chapter, Synchronizing Mind and Body, and somehow the whole world began making sense. I felt exhilarated. I was smiling like a goof in the bus. I got home and was bursting with love and happiness and excitement. I wanted to talk to everyone. I wanted to post! but I told myself, no, just feel this, and post tomorrow.

Sometimes delayed gratification is great, it makes you relive your exhilaration.