Delayed Gratification

Yesterday was okay. I received the sweetest love email from P. But on my way downtown, I sat on the bus and read The Sacred Path and everything became extraordinary. Somehow everything I was thinking and feeling was in front of me, in words, being explained. Two chapters, The Genuine Heart of Sadness, and Fear and Fearlessness put everything into perspective. It was basically explaining that I'm in a place right now where I want to open my heart to the world and the people in it. I want to open it because I want to be awake to the world and feel it. What happens is by exposing our hearts in a raw and genuine way, everything becomes a little more sensitive. It says that 'Fearlessness (which is what i'm going for here) is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart.'

In the chapter about fearlessness, it describes a common mistake many people make: understanding fearlessness as a reduction of fear, when really, fearlessness is going beyond fear. This reminded me of the acting class I took this summer. There was a quote on the wall that said, 'The only way to get through it, is to go through it.' I remember wanting so much to be able to go through it, but I don't think I had the tools to accept my fear then. I love how being soft and sensitive is the way to get to fearlessness, because now I feel like I am going in that direction in a way that is honest to myself.

Something else that was interesting was how it discussed fear at the root of restlessness, and nervousness. Below them is sadness, and below it, fear. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it this way, but I can't help but think 'is this why P always likes being busy?' Either way, this is my journey, not his, and that's okay.

On my way back from school I read another chapter, Synchronizing Mind and Body, and somehow the whole world began making sense. I felt exhilarated. I was smiling like a goof in the bus. I got home and was bursting with love and happiness and excitement. I wanted to talk to everyone. I wanted to post! but I told myself, no, just feel this, and post tomorrow.

Sometimes delayed gratification is great, it makes you relive your exhilaration.