Always

P calls me at 4pm : 'bb! I'm sorry i'm only calling you now! I just woke up'. Hearing his voice instantly soothes me. His little bubbly enthusiastic 'bb!'. We make plans, he shows up later and his hug makes me lighter. He even dressed up a little bit; nice shirt with the grey, wool tie I gave him. I was wearing a cute 60s tweed dress, so we unconsciously matched.

I felt like he was very present. He was there, he wanted to be there, and he was making me feel it. All my neuroses subsided, all the drama I invented earlier that week disappeared.

I discovered the root is all this drama and urgency is related to my grandmother, and indirectly, my family. When I realized this, all I wanted to do was call my dad, but I couldn't. Something in me felt like I wouldn't be able to keep myself together when talking to him.. I spent the last week in tears for myriad reasons, and I felt like I couldn't do that when he was losing his mother. I haven't felt ready to call him yet. I should, because this shouldn't be about my fear..

I'm all fear these days, but I'm trying to accept it into my heart so that I can let it go.