Strange Fruit

I had a strange feeling last night. The word that came to mind was Compassion. I realized I didn't know what it meant anymore. And that meant I wasn't applying it as a guiding principle of my life anymore. This was not a fun realization.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go around being zen or anything and calling it compassion, but there is a sense of inner peace that I usually have that has somehow escaped me. The direct result of this is drama in my head.

I realized I had so many expectations for this year, for this school, for me in school, and they've all promptly blown up in my face. I'm also confronting how I cope with these disappointments. I think there's part of me that doesn't like to admit how much I rely on the people around me. And now I just feel like an island, in the middle of nowhere, lost, unsure and disappointed in myself for having had so many expectations, from my school, from the people around me, and from myself.

I'm not living up to the ones I set for myself, and what's happening is that I'm relocalising that disappointment to other places in my life... notably with P, lately anyway.

I've been feeling like he's very distant. I've had this feeling for a few weeks. I think it's the feeling of the novelty wearing off. He just doesn't seem as enthusiastic as before and I don't know if it's related to me or something else. I just feel that there isn't the same level of effort as before, in the sense that, previously, every email I sent, no matter how aimless, got a response. I feel he's not as affectionate as usually -- and he was extremely affectionate, so any decrease is instantly noticeable. I sort of confronted the issue last night in a strange conversation I didn't want to have for a while. Somehow we were talking about moving. He asked me, not seriously, if I wanted to move in with him. I answered no, because his room is too small, and suggested, not seriously, that he move in with me, because I have two closets. He said, no and that he needed his own space and didn't see himself in this appartment, and that he didn't feel he was at a point in his life when he thought he wanted to move in with me, and then said, not seriously, it'll never work. Something in that touched a nerve. I immediatly turned away, and while he was making sweet sounds to lure me back, I said 'you're always pushing me away'. Then he asked for some examples (not in those words, but that was the general idea) and I couldn't find any. I said it was a feeling. I said I felt like I was always making things happen. Then he started listing things... New York - my idea, South Caroline - his parents idea, the cocktail party - my idea, etc. I think he saw that I made a point. Today we went out for breakfast at Beauty's before I had to get to school. He said 'are you going to the Maritimes this summer?' I said yes. He said 'do you want to go by car?' (implying that he would come too) and then he talked about wanting to go to Halifax and saying that I could pick where I wanted to go. The conversation felt like he was trying to make up for something. I don't know if I should be happy about that.. or what.

I feel like good relationships take some kind of effort to keep them awesome. And I feel like right now I'm carrying most of the load. I accept that people go through things and sometimes they need their partner to carry their load for a little bit, but.. there's something in that that makes me feel like i'm not a partner.. i'm just there.. carrying something.

I just don't feel connected. To anyone. Or anything. So I don't know if this distance is actually in him, or if it's just my perspective that is skewed.

I feel like I need people around me because I can't get everything from him, nor do I want to.. but there's no-one around (for their own good reasons, no doubt).

For the first time in my life, I feel like people at school don't want to be friends with me. That makes me go on the defensive and think 'well i don't want to be friends with you anyway!'.

I don't like that feeling.

I'm not being compassionate. I'm disappointed in myself for being able to be. I'm disappointed that I had so many expectations.

I'm trying to accept all this with an open heart. Being compassionate towards myself is the first step and I know it... but somehow I'm blocked and everything is dramatic.