Lots of things have been happening, few seem meaningful enough to write about.
Basically, November and half of December are a fog to me -- school stress in general. I plugged through my papers and exams and ultimately passed everything. I'm still sort of stunned that everything got done.
One weekend in December, P and I went to his parents' place. It was strange for me, I was overcompensating for something I didn't know at the time. P had been going through some things, some life changes and stresses. We had a conversation and it quickly boiled down to him not knowing if he saw me in his future or not. During the conversation I was strangely calm. I absorbed everything, even though I was hurt. This line sent some insecurities off in me, but also explained a lot of P's recent behavior (a bit distant, a bit less enthusiastic).
We shared a few more moments before I left to go to the Maritimes, and they were always falling short of (let's face it) my expectations. The time that I was at home, I was distracted by all these thoughts in my head. Mostly, I was feeling ashamed. I felt like I've talked to my girlfriends about their relationships and pointed out the moment when they needed to exit a thousand times, but now, I was in this situation, wondering if I was convincing myself of things, wondering if I was in denial about others, and wondering if my relationship would blow up in my face. I regret if i've ever made anyone feel like I knew something they didn't, because clearly, I don't. Now I fully appreciate how a relationship's uniqueness is matched only by the uniqueness of the needs of the ones in it.
I left the trip home earlier than usual to come back and spend new year's with P, and also to potentially talk to him about what I was feeling. I got home, and somehow, everything was fixed. He was really present, attentive, affectionate, enthusiastic and all the other good things I feared had gone away. I didn't want to bring anything up at that time, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say, but I knew it would come back to bite me in the butt. I resolved to bring the issues up at another time.
That time was this past weekend. Another strange comment was made that brought those not-so-old feelings back up to the surface and that did it. I told him everything I could remember from the things I thought before: "when does this future begin? do you understand that it makes me uneasy? what do these comments mean? I feel like you don't really mean them, but they are symptoms of something else. Can't we just take it one day at a time? Etc. etc." I don't remember what was said, but basically it was an honest and open conversation and it made me feel better.
I feel better today, I feel like everything that needed to be said was said, and I understand which parts of this conversation are related to me and which are related to him.
This whole weekend pre-conversation (I kept it until the very last minute, of course), we spent working on one of his projects for his friends. They used to make movies in their teens (several in fact) and he wanted to finish backgrounds in a few and make DVD menus for them all. He asked me if I wanted to design the menus. Of course! Now that i've been equipped with a new laptop (a refurbished macbook, decked out with extra RAM and all the Adobe software I could dream of -- courtesy of sweet P) I was eager to put it to work. It was really fun working side by side. He would teach me a few things, I would show him what I knew, and all in all I think something cool came out of it.
It also gave me a chance to see his skills. He showed me this image, which was a collage of images (a temple, some stairs, some mossy statues, trees, bushes) from all different sources, and throughout the day he just photoshopped the whole thing into one image. It looked real! I was really amazed. Now I don't know how I will ever trust anything I see on film.
In other news, school is better and more interesting this semester which makes me keener to be organized. I had an interview at my dream job (Moment Factory) and I'm pretty sure i've landed an internship for the summer.
I've been working a lot on some graphic stuff for school and work, which is awesome. It's amazing how much energy I have to do this stuff.
I went to yoga tonight for the first time since December -- it was rough. I feel like i've taken 100000 steps back. I'm scared (of hurting myself, or my knees) and tense and not as stretchy... i've got to get back into it and now!
I wish I would've made this poster:
Instead I made this one:
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