Adèle, age 6

I always thought I grew up too fast. I was told I was an old soul at a young age, or at least, a cynical soul and cynicism is seldom associated with children (even though it seems to be more commonly said in sitcoms -- Arrested Development, Maebe?).

Why is it that with certain people or in certain situations we find ourselves thrown back into childlike emotions?

I’m referring to a specific Port incident: illegally consumed by Sm, Vncnt and myself on a faithful Friday night. It belonged to Jcq. I’m not one to tamper with the goods of my fellow roommates, but for some reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time. (I should say, we had about 2 oz. each)

When I came home late from school and got the cold shoulder (for no apparent reason), I began wondering what was up. Then Sm told me he told Jcq, I felt the pangs of guilt. Not because it was consumed by me or Sm, but because now he knew Vncnt was in on the action.

The cowardly thing to do was to avoid the situation. I wasn’t there – as far as I knew, nothing had been said, nobody knew anything. But then I thought: ‘What’s the mature way of dealing with this?’ Answer: straight on.

I went up to Jcq in his room. Said: “Jcq.. sorry we drank some of your Port the other night... I’ll get you some more. It wasn’t my idea but.. I participated in it.” He said: “It’s.. okay...” then I said: “well.. okay.. but, I know you always say that to people but you stay mad at them..” To which he responded how he didn’t like us eating his fancy stuff, and we could have just called him to ask instead. A reasonable response.

The thing was. When I went up to him, and the few minutes leading up to it. I felt shame. The shame of a child. The word that came to mind was: orgueilleuse. But then I really put my finger on it when I read: honte. I had that twisted stomach feeling. And for what? Nothing important (in the grand scheme of things).

I was disappointed that it was so hard for me (still) to apologize for things done wrong. I was surprised at how my instinct was to revert to a childlike cowardess. The worst is blaming someone else. I did that a little bit: I turned my (semi-) anger towards Sm. “WHY did you do that!!??”, I said to him. I shouldn’t have.

It’s strange how I need to remind myself to take responsibility for my actions or my words. One of my worst fears is to be(come) a coward.